CAUTION LONG POST
I love this forum, so many questions have been answered, and it has helped me understand many questions I’ve had about our faith, which I’m proud of having.
I love my faith, I love God, and I love anything that has to do with the church.
My biggest problem is masturbation.
As with a lot of young people, I’m currently 20. I did not start embracing my Catholic faith until I was 19, and I can say that I’m so fully submerged in it.
I attended just this passing World Youth Day in Rio, I’m a Core Team member for the Life Team ministry, I’m a Confirmation teacher, and a leader for a ministry helping kids live out their faith on campus as well as in their home.
I’m as active as I could possibly be at my parish, but I keep on resorting to masturbate.
The problem was that this sin developed before I started embracing my faith. I’d masturbate at a tender age of 12 constantly, and I’d go around and get laid by multiple girls. (Although now that I’m more engaged, the occurrence of masturbation is way less). The reason why I’m posting this is because I just broke my recent month-long spree of not masturbating, and it is alarming for me.
How can I, someone who engages in mortal sin, be worthy to preach and teach the Gospel? How can someone who does this, be worthy to help people with the same struggle?
I always try my best to live to be in a state of grace, but when the desire comes around I resist it at first. Then later on, it becomes stronger and stronger. It gets to this point where, I initially resist the temptation to look at pornography, but later on give into it. Sadly, my conscience goes to somewhere that I hate. “You can just go to Confession later.” I hate that excuse, it kills me that I tell that to myself. Every single time this happens, I believe it. Thus, making my Confession non-contrite.
What am I doing wrong? I have a Miraculous Medal that I constantly use, especially in the presence of sin. I pray to Our Mother. If that doesn’t work, I read the daily readings, or I contemplate on the Crucifix. I try to visualize Christ hanging on the Cross naked, even.
I guess my problem is that I know that I hate the action of masturbating, but I have this WANT to do it.
I reason with myself not to do it, but I just WANT to do it. I want this instant gratification.
But deep down, I think it spawns from the fact that I am lonely. I want to love someone, hold someone, you know? I want to care for someone. I miss having the feeling of having someone with me. I know that Christ is always with me, but there’s just that human want of not being alone.
What am I doing wrong? What should I do? I want to be a better person.
(If you’re a troll who’s trying to reason with me to become atheist, quite frankly I’m not gonna become atheist. Just putting it out there.)