A road trip with a boyfriend


#1

I have been a long time lurker on these forums but I thought maybe it was finally time that I asked for some advice myself:) I was wondering about a Catholic perspective on a plan that I have. I am in a long distance relationship right now. We have been dating almost a year and it's stable and great. Well, I'm moving across the country in 6 months. Unfortunately it's not to the same city as my boyfriend but it will be closer than where I am now. He has offered to come help me load up the moving truck and drive it with me across the US. It will be a long drive and we will need to get a hotel for each night we're on the road. I'm hoping it will only be 2 nights though. I want to get there as fast as I can! I'm worried that people will perceive this as a sin since it would be just me and my boyfriend on the road together. Is it a sin? Should I tell my boyfriend thanks but no thanks? His help would be greatly appreciated. Not only because of the physical labor, but also some company on the drive:) I don't want to tell him I don't need his help, but I don't want to be sinning either.


#2

I love how many variations we can get on the “my boyfriend/girlfriend is helping me move 1000 miles story”

Solution. Find a KOA. Rent two cabins. The basic cabins have beds (you’ll need a sleeping bag) kitchenettes and acess to shower facilities. Most can be rented at $40 a night…so two for $80 a night will have you FAR better off than any second-rate motel. KOA usually has decent highway access, and if you plan your trip to use those as overnight stays you should be able to make it work no matter where you’re going to/from in the US.

If you’re in Europe, then try hostels.


#3

It gets expensive sometimes to do the right thing, but I think it’s worth it.

Just get two rooms. In the long run, it doesn’t cost that much more, especially if you can afford the moving van and gas to move across the country.

Aside from putting yourself in the middle of temptation, and aside from the whole scandal argument, there is something special about sharing a hotel room that I’d prefer to share with my husband. If you don’t marry this guy, you’ll have already spent the night in a hotel with someone else. And if you do, your honeymoon will lose a little bit of that excitement, even if you did stay in separate beds.


#4

No, it would not be a sin for him to help you move and give you company on the road. Nor would it be a sin for your two to sleep in the same hotel IF you are in separate rooms.

BUT...

I do see a big problem that cannot be ignored. That is, you two will have a LOT of opportunity to be alone in a way that could certainly lead you to sin. If he is a steadfast Catholic committed to chastity, he should be able to see that. Being apart in a long-distance relationship, I would think, will only magnify the problem of keeping hormones in check.

I would either get someone whom you know and trust to be with you two on the trip, or find some other way to move without him. If you are concerned in the perception this will give your family if he were to accompany you, then perhaps you can express this concern to them and they might be able to offer some assistance.


#5

I think that's for them to personally assess though. If they are honest with themselves they'll come to the realization that maybe they should have a third or 4th (one of each gender to split the cost of the room perhaps?).

Or they'll come to the realization that it's unnecessary.

Hormones act differently in every person. For my husband and I it wasn't as much about being "commited to chastity" while we were dating that kept us from messing around. We were not interested in sex at all. Kissing? Yes. Sex and all of its varients? No. Even my parents eventually acknowledged that the traveling restrictions placed on us were more about avoiding scandal than for our personal safety. It's still a sore spot thinking about the presumptions (and people did presume anyway) just because we were a couple.

Be honest with yourself though. And if you don't think you can do that than default to trying to bring in extra people.


#6

Only two of you are moving a household worth of furniture and stuff?

Leaving aside the questions of sin and scandal, how practical is that? I've moved to different cities a few times in my life, and quite frankly, investing in hiring a mover to move you is probably more economical in the long run. First of all, they're insured, they have the right equipment, some companies will pack your stuff for an additional fee, and you're not running the risk of injuring yourself. Throwing your back out, an evening in the emergency room, some visits to a doctor and perhaps tests like a CATT scan would quickly erase any savings you might (I say "MIGHT") experience from doing the job yourselves.

Actually, if you're moving furniture, you need more than two people to do the job safely, because you're probably not going to have equipment to do it safely. So if you're going to do this yourself, find a buddy to go along with the two of you (good luck with that!)

If you're moving out of a furnished apartment and just taking a few boxes of stuff, investigate the price of having those shipped across country, and take a plane. He can meet the boxes at your destination and sign for them.

In terms of sin and the occasion for scandal--what everyone else said. Get separate rooms. Or team drive (one of you sleeps while the other one drives.) Interstate truckers are limited to ten hours driving time every twenty four hours. Team driving is the only way you will be able to complete a trip from New York to California in three days, the vehicle has to be in motion pretty much all the time. Expect to arrive exhausted and pretty gamy, and then have to empty out the truck.

See what I mean? Might be cheaper in the long run to hire a moving company and fly to your new city!


#7

[quote="prstoessel, post:4, topic:235165"]
No, it would not be a sin for him to help you move and give you company on the road. Nor would it be a sin for your two to sleep in the same hotel IF you are in separate rooms.

BUT...

I do see a big problem that cannot be ignored. That is, you two will have a LOT of opportunity to be alone in a way that could certainly lead you to sin. If he is a steadfast Catholic committed to chastity, he should be able to see that. Being apart in a long-distance relationship, I would think, will only magnify the problem of keeping hormones in check.

I would either get someone whom you know and trust to be with you two on the trip, or find some other way to move without him. If you are concerned in the perception this will give your family if he were to accompany you, then perhaps you can express this concern to them and they might be able to offer some assistance.

[/quote]

There are ways to protect your chastity and purity without going all puritanical. They should have separate hotel room (no adjoining rooms either) but if two adults cannot be alone together during the day, semi-public without a chaperone then they are not really living chastely. If you cannot learn (I am not really talking to you OP, just making a generalization) to control yourselves alone without a "nanny" to say, time to separate or this is wrong, you have serious problems when married because if you never learned selfcontrol who is going to stop you from doing whatever you want (cheating, etc) regardless after you are married and the chaperones go away.


#8

[quote="purplesunshine, post:2, topic:235165"]
I love how many variations we can get on the "my boyfriend/girlfriend is helping me move 1000 miles story"

Solution. Find a KOA. Rent two cabins. The basic cabins have beds (you'll need a sleeping bag) kitchenettes and acess to shower facilities. Most can be rented at $40 a night....so two for $80 a night will have you FAR better off than any second-rate motel. KOA usually has decent highway access, and if you plan your trip to use those as overnight stays you should be able to make it work no matter where you're going to/from in the US.

If you're in Europe, then try hostels.

[/quote]

Not sure what KOA cabins you've stayed in, but we stayed in one last summer and it cost over $70 and it was the very basic one. No kitchenette. We had to drive about 6 hours from home to get the one at that cheap price. Places closer to home that we may have also liked to stay were going for $120 a night. For a cabin with a bed in it.
Two rooms at a budget motel would be way cheaper.


#9

[quote="Arlene, post:8, topic:235165"]
Not sure what KOA cabins you've stayed in, but we stayed in one last summer and it cost over $70 and it was the very basic one. No kitchenette. We had to drive about 6 hours from home to get the one at that cheap price. Places closer to home that we may have also liked to stay were going for $120 a night. For a cabin with a bed in it.
Two rooms at a budget motel would be way cheaper.

[/quote]

Most KOAs are reallly reasonable. I don't know where you are geographically, but that's strange to me...unless it was 4th of July weekend...


#10

Its not a sin.You are not responsible if someone chooses to think the worst of you.If they ask just tell them the truth.For the people who know you there's no need to explain.


#11

I guess I have not been very precise with the situation. I have friends here that will help me pack my truck and I have friends in my new city who will help me unload the truck. I am living in a studio apartment right now and I have the minimum of possessions. A bed, a bookshelf, a desk, a TV, clothes, a dresser. I have crunched the numbers and I can save $400 by driving myself instead of hiring a moving company and flying. Especially with airline tickets going up! My boyfriend would be coming for companionship along the way just as much as he’d be coming out to help me with physical work. Plus, I have 3 different friends who have had nothing but a headache with movers. They say they’ll have the stuff in a couple days and then it turns into weeks. I don’t want to deal with the stress of not knowing where my things are at all times.

We are planning on putting in 2 15 hour days and a 3rd day of 6 hours. According to Google Maps we should be able to do that. Even considering that we will have to drive slower because of the truck.

I do thank you for trying to find an alternative for me though :slight_smile:

It won’t be a problem for chastity, but I worry about scandal. I’ve grown up with the belief that who cares what other people think but from what I’ve read on here, causing scandal can be just as much of an issue as the act itself. Even if we get 2 hotel rooms, will people believe us? Does it matter if they believe us?

Thank you to everyone who responded. It seems like the first responder is a bit sick of these kind of questions, so I don’t want to draw out the thread. I guess I want to be sure that any “scandal” I might cause is not my fault and not my concern. I don’t want to be viewed as the village bicycle though because my boyfriend decided to be nice and keep me company.

Maybe if society didn’t assume that all couples who are dating are having sex then I wouldn’t have this issue. :mad:


#12

[quote="elifont, post:11, topic:235165"]
I guess I have not been very precise with the situation. I have friends here that will help me pack my truck and I have friends in my new city who will help me unload the truck. I am living in a studio apartment right now and I have the minimum of possessions. A bed, a bookshelf, a desk, a TV, clothes, a dresser. I have crunched the numbers and I can save $400 by driving myself instead of hiring a moving company and flying. Especially with airline tickets going up! My boyfriend would be coming for companionship along the way just as much as he'd be coming out to help me with physical work. Plus, I have 3 different friends who have had nothing but a headache with movers. They say they'll have the stuff in a couple days and then it turns into weeks. I don't want to deal with the stress of not knowing where my things are at all times.

We are planning on putting in 2 15 hour days and a 3rd day of 6 hours. According to Google Maps we should be able to do that. Even considering that we will have to drive slower because of the truck.

I do thank you for trying to find an alternative for me though :)

It won't be a problem for chastity, but I worry about scandal. I've grown up with the belief that who cares what other people think but from what I've read on here, causing scandal can be just as much of an issue as the act itself. Even if we get 2 hotel rooms, will people believe us? Does it matter if they believe us?

Thank you to everyone who responded. It seems like the first responder is a bit sick of these kind of questions, so I don't want to draw out the thread. I guess I want to be sure that any "scandal" I might cause is not my fault and not my concern. I don't want to be viewed as the village bicycle though because my boyfriend decided to be nice and keep me company.

Maybe if society didn't assume that all couples who are dating are having sex then I wouldn't have this issue. :mad:

[/quote]

I can understand you about scandal but sometimes you are d---- if you do and d----- if you don't. If this is the best way for you to move, go for it. Some people will see you standing 10 feet away from each other looking straight ahead and swear you were going at, if someone chooses to think bad about you even though they know your character and beliefs they are not worth worrying about. Good Luck on your move.


#13

Okay, no idea that you had packing and loading/unloading the truck covered at both ends; my experience in my moves was that I had a couple of friends show up "catch as catch can." And one of the possessions that I had to have transported is a baby grand piano! So moving from San Francisco to New York any other way than with a commercial carrier was pretty much out of the question, they had blocks and tackles, heavy equipment dollies, that sort of thing that was just not available to the do-it-yourself types. Plus, they packed me up and put things in the right rooms when I got to New York. Getting a baby grand into a third story brownstone is no small feat!

A couple of us stayed in a KOA near Saratoga Springs, NY, one summer. Minimal amenities, and it was $140 a night. We stayed the weekend and found motel rooms elsewhere. KOA might work well over the road, but near bigger cities or vacation hotspots, it can be pretty pricey.

Just behave chastely, and your conscience is clear. God and you know what you're doing. That should be enough. I'd still see if a third person wants to go along, just for variations' sake. The strain of long periods of driving can test the nerves of any couple! Having a third person along for variety in conversation keeps the tension to a minimum.

Hope you have a safe trip!


#14

Yes, it's a big sin. Any kind of contact with your boyfriend, road trip or not is a possible occasion of sin and therefore it should be greatly avoided. It's best you don't ever see him until your wedding day, because then you won't be as culpable (still a sin though).

If you really must make the road trip, make sure you rent two different hotels, preferably a state apart. This will end all occassions of sin.

Remember to wear the suit to ward off evil.

http://www.christilling.de/pics/mashed.JPG


#15

[quote="elifont, post:11, topic:235165"]
It won't be a problem for chastity, but I worry about scandal. I've grown up with the belief that who cares what other people think but from what I've read on here, causing scandal can be just as much of an issue as the act itself. Even if we get 2 hotel rooms, will people believe us? Does it matter if they believe us?

Thank you to everyone who responded. It seems like the first responder is a bit sick of these kind of questions, so I don't want to draw out the thread. I guess I want to be sure that any "scandal" I might cause is not my fault and not my concern. I don't want to be viewed as the village bicycle though because my boyfriend decided to be nice and keep me company.

Maybe if society didn't assume that all couples who are dating are having sex then I wouldn't have this issue. :mad:

[/quote]

There are people out there who will assume you've had sex with your boyfriend just because you have a boyfriend. I wish I had a dollar for every person who expressed surprise that we were neither sexually active or living together.

Instead, think more about what you're doing that's visible to the public eye. Say the two of you share a hotel room. You could have slept in separate beds and never touched each other. But all an outsider would have seen was the two of you entering a hotel room alone and not leaving until morning. The assumption that you've had sex is very likely to form in their mind. That assumption is far less likely to be made if you are seen going into separate hotel rooms for the evening.

If you are seen going into two different rooms and someone claims "well maybe he left his room to go into hers later in the evening" when he/she never actually saw this take place, then I would say an unreasonable stretch is being made in order to support an already existing suspicion. At that point I think the problem is no longer yours. Like I said...there are people out there who just default to "they're having sex" just because you are in a committed relationship.


#16

How about recruiting one of your good friends-- a female-- go tag along with? Someone who would be willing to help you move and then you can share a hotel room with her, and it reduces the need for temptation.

I'm telling you, sometimes the old days custom of chaperoning makes sense. Chaperons don't always have to be parents or older people-- just people who really have your best interests-- including your soul-- at heart.

A Catholic friend (or strong Christian friend, for that matter) should be fine, if they are willing.


#17

I personally don't see anything wrong with it. I know some people will make assumptions about two people entering a hotel together -- just the hotel. Not a room -- but I have to admit I don't give much thought to what anybody is doing in a hotel. I recently went on a week's vacation with a friend of mine -- we were two girls sharing one hotel room. Nobody looking at us would know if we were having a girls' trip or if it was something else going on -- they didn't know there were two beds in the room. The fact of the matter is people are going to make assumptions no matter what you do, but I personally think that most people won't pay more than a moment's attention to the two of you at all -- unless you're doing something to draw attention to yourself.


#18

[quote="elifont, post:11, topic:235165"]
I
We are planning on putting in 2 15 hour days and a 3rd day of 6 hours. According to Google Maps we should be able to do that. Even considering that we will have to drive slower because of the truck.

[/quote]

I wouldn't go by that. I've done plenty of long driving trips and it often takes longer than what Google Maps says. You still have to allot for heavy traffic (I got stuck driving through Minneapolis and St. Paul MN, and Chicago IL during rush hour. Each added on almost two hours of driving.) Stopping for fuel, food, the washroom, leg stretches, etc adds up time too. Also, depending on which way you come into California, there are checkpoints you have to get through. 15 hours of driving doesn't sound like a long time, but when you've been driving for 8 hours and you start getting sick of being in a vehicle, the other 7 are torturous. If you're going to put in 15 hour days, I highly adivise you to leave quite early in the morning. I usually try to be on the road by 6:00 am, so I get to my day's destination by 10:00 pm. (15 hours of driving according to the map usually means 19-20 hours of actual driving.)


#19

[quote="odile53, post:13, topic:235165"]
I'd still see if a third person wants to go along, just for variations' sake. The strain of long periods of driving can test the nerves of any couple! Having a third person along for variety in conversation keeps the tension to a minimum.

[/quote]

[quote="spunjalebi, post:16, topic:235165"]
How about recruiting one of your good friends-- a female-- go tag along with? Someone who would be willing to help you move and then you can share a hotel room with her, and it reduces the need for temptation.

[/quote]

I'm trying to recruit a couple friends to come with us like you guys suggested, but it is harder than one might think. My boyfriend has a very flexible job and they are allowing him to take a week's vacation. My friends are either having a difficult time getting that large amount of time off work, or they can't afford the plane ticket to either fly out here or fly back here, depending on where they live. My mother and father have offered to come out to ride along, but I worry about their health being on the road that long (they're only in their mid 50s, but I still would rather keep it to people in their late 20s). I do have 6 months though to try to gather up some people. Nobody is really jumping at the chance though. I wonder why. Sitting in a moving truck for 30+ hours sounds like fun, no? :p

[quote="Suspicious_Mind, post:14, topic:235165"]
Remember to wear the suit to ward off evil.

[/quote]

I looked on amazon and ebay and couldn't find the suit for under $4,000,000. Maybe I just need to keep looking... :p

[quote="Kit15, post:15, topic:235165"]
There are people out there who will assume you've had sex with your boyfriend just because you have a boyfriend. I wish I had a dollar for every person who expressed surprise that we were neither sexually active or living together.

Instead, think more about what you're doing that's visible to the public eye. Say the two of you share a hotel room. You could have slept in separate beds and never touched each other. But all an outsider would have seen was the two of you entering a hotel room alone and not leaving until morning. The assumption that you've had sex is very likely to form in their mind. That assumption is far less likely to be made if you are seen going into separate hotel rooms for the evening.

[/quote]

I like this post, probably because it expresses my frustration the best. My parents trust me, and even if they didn't, I'm an adult who can make my own decisions. But my grandparents are floored by the prospect of me wanting to do this trip with my bf. It's almost like I will need to set up a video camera watching me sleep to prove to them. I think the problem stemmed from the fact that I was mulling over the idea of getting one hotel room with 2 beds to cut down costs and they were not happy learning that.:blush: That idea's out the window now, but I guess the seed has been planted in their minds.

[quote="Nanny_PK, post:17, topic:235165"]
I personally don't see anything wrong with it. I know some people will make assumptions about two people entering a hotel together -- just the hotel. Not a room -- but I have to admit I don't give much thought to what anybody is doing in a hotel. I recently went on a week's vacation with a friend of mine -- we were two girls sharing one hotel room. Nobody looking at us would know if we were having a girls' trip or if it was something else going on -- they didn't know there were two beds in the room. The fact of the matter is people are going to make assumptions no matter what you do, but I personally think that most people won't pay more than a moment's attention to the two of you at all -- unless you're doing something to draw attention to yourself.

[/quote]

I've actually thought of that too. What if one of my girl friends were coming with me and we shared a hotel room? For all anybody knows, we're dating and we could be having quite the night! But no, most people will assume it's just 2 friends sharing a hotel room. Why can't people assume the same with members of the opposite sex? One time I went on a roadtrip with my brother and a huge snowstorm forced us to get a hotel for the night. I was 26 and he was 20 so I handled the paperwork. The gross guy behind the desk winked at me and told me to "have fun". He was shocked when I replied "That's my brother, you perv". Note to self: never stay in seedy hotels ever again.

[quote="Love_Divine, post:18, topic:235165"]
I wouldn't go by that. I've done plenty of long driving trips and it often takes longer than what Google Maps says. You still have to allot for heavy traffic (I got stuck driving through Minneapolis and St. Paul MN, and Chicago IL during rush hour. Each added on almost two hours of driving.) Stopping for fuel, food, the washroom, leg stretches, etc adds up time too. .......

[/quote]

Google Maps estimated 28 hours. I added another 8 for the purposes that you stated. I think that's more than generous. The only big cities I will be driving through are Tulsa OK, Phoenix, and St Louis. I've done long trips before. I can pack a cooler of food like a champ and my bladder is about the size of Massachusetts so I am a road warrior! We plan to be on the road at 5. It's what time I nomally get up anyway, so I'm not too concerned. We'll have a portable DVD player for the passenger too, and we'll switch frequently. I'm not worried about the drive itself. I'm just worried about who I'm going with. And enough people on here have put my mind at ease, so I am feeling a lot better about the situation.:)


#20

This is a silly discussion.

Whether you stay in separate rooms or not will not affect what people will think about how far you are going with your boyfriend. Thinking to worst of others is their sin, not yours.

From a safety perspective, I implore you to bring the boyfriend. First, their is the issue of your own physical safety when stopping along the way, breakdowns. etc. Bu even more importantly, you have a relief driver. You can keep each other awake. Driving these kind of distances without falling asleep is the most dangerous part of your trip.

So let the busy bodies gossip if the must, that is their sin to confess, not yours.

Please take this advice from the father of a daughter, please take your boyfriend along for the trip and don't worry about renting two rooms. I trust you.

Paul


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