He has shown me His love, he has revealed to me His family in the most Holy Trinity, the Blessed Mother and Queen, the Saints, and all of you. And I want Him so bad, like a spouse longs for their dearly beloved, and I take great joy and delight in obeying His commandments. But the ongoing anguish is so overwhelmingly painful. It had gotten so bad at one time, back in late summer of 2005, that I turned away from Him—almost to the point of denying His existence, but instead convinced myself I was dammed, and stopped attending Mass. It was so depressing, the most depressing time in my life. I missed Him, and nothing I did brought me happiness, nothing! It was like He kept stepping in front of me, every which way I turned, and the loneliness increased until I came back in the fall of 2007, feeling His touch like never before. I was an emotional wreck, and wept nearly everyday when thinking or speaking with Him. Then, the test became so severely difficult my spirit couldn’t breath. i felt attacked by a thousand different entities, often extremely relentless.
I know I’m by far not the only one, and often feel selfish when venting like this. I think about all the great saints, what they have done for Him, what many alive on earth presently do, the intellegence of many, then look at myself, and feel utterly ashamed! Because I can’t do anything it seems, anything except fail. I’m selfish, prideful, lustful and stupid, and God has shown me all of this intensely recently.
I really wish there was something I could do which would please Him, I want to make Him happy, but always ALWAYS fail! I’m not sure if I’ve ever inspired even one single solitary human being for Him, usually, I just stutter, can’t speak properly, slow to wit, and end up sounding ridiculous, even when I think I sounded good. I’m not good, I know that. But I at least wish I could please Him.
And the emotional anguish of mental disorder is getting harder. I mean, every . . . single . . . day at least ten to fifteen to twenty battles, all illogical fight within my mind, all which attempt to take away everything I love, and as God shows me more of His love, the anguish becomes harder. The more I desire Him the more entities from within or outside attack me, tenfold!! I don’t know what to do anymore, I really don’t.
I’m never going to turn away from Him, ever! I cannot, I’ve tasted Him and want no other. It is a real treasure to give yourself completely over to Him, and to trust Him, having past fetishes of D&S I think, ironically, has really inspired that
Forgive my ramblings brothers and sisters, for that’s all they are, mere ramblings from a slow to wit individual having no guidance. but if any can, please pray for me, that I may please our Lord in at least *some *way, please. I feel like I always let Him down, along with everyone else.