I struggle with bouts of impurity. Sometimes (almost always) immediately after I have fallen, the gravity of what I have just done kicks in. I suddenly want to roll out to confession as soon as uh…its over. I want to call a priest and schedule a confession asap. My first instinct is to say an Act Of Contrition right away as well. To beg God for mercy and thank Him that I still feel His call to repentance. Here is the question. Ive heard alcoholics describe “not feeling normal unless I am drunk”. Now a sexual act releases into the body endorphins and oxytocin, chemicals that to the sex addict are addictive (wow that sounds redundant) . I have battled this addiction for years. Often once I am in “my cycle” repentanting after each fall and having another craving only a few hours later at which point I fall again each time, the guilt kicks in afterwards. Eventually, sometimes weeks later I feel its out of my system, I make a confession and finally have a period of sobriety before it starts back up again. During sobriety I am a fortress against lust. I have near perfect custody of eyes. Its like I’m two different people.When I am in my cycle, and before each fall, I dont want to repent but certainly want to want to repent. And of course the whole time I am begging God for His assistance but not really trying to accept it. Is it possible I only think correctly after the aforementioned chemicals are released into my body? Does this make any guilt I feel cheap? I want to confess but wonder if I should wait till I know Im back in sobriety.
Edit: please be gentle in your responses, this is already humiliating.