Today was a horrible day…and a day of spiritual awakening for me.
I knew I wanted to go to Mass today at noon, but also knew I needed to go to confession beforehand. This isn’t a problem since the confessional is open 30 minutes before each Mass at my parish. I’m running late and get to the Cathedral at 11:50. I walk in and there’s 4 other people waiting in the line for confession. I sit down with the others and pray that there will be enough time.
One person goes in and then comes out (we’re now down to 3). A woman goes in and then immediately comes back out stating that the priest said he would hear all our confessions after Mass. I understood. Mass needed to begin, it was my fault for running late - I was devastated.
I haven’t been to Mass where I couldn’t receive the Eucharist since I was in RCIA (in 2005). I’ve just always made a point to go to confession (if needed) beforehand, it’s always worked out. Today wasn’t the case. Today I was at a spiritual loss, one I had never felt before.
During the consecration my eyes welled up with tears. By the time people were going up to receive I was kneeling, crying, heartbroken. Jesus was right there, yet I felt a thousand miles away.
After Mass there we were again, the three of us waiting to go to confession. I was still teary-eyed and the woman sitting close to me turned my way and softly said, “I know”. I looked over at her and she had been crying too. Seeing each other with tear stained cheeks, well, we had a silent understanding and I can’t help but feel that it was beautiful in some way. It was as if we both realized how sin can literally distance you from God.
I’ve seen people talk about it on here, but never actually realized how true it is, sin does distance us from God. I felt it spiritually and physically both at the same time - this has never happened to me before.
Finally it was my time for confession. I begin balling right when I sit down in front of the priest. He patiently listens while I confess my sins, while I pour out my heart. Today was the first day I think I’ve ever made a solid act of contrition and it was freeing to say the least.
Yes, Jesus is the Mass, He is the Liturgy, I was receiving Him spiritually, but to be denied actual communion with Him was like a sharp stab to my heart.
I look forward to going to Mass tomorrow so I can finally be one with Him.