A vent about caring for my mom


#1

**** This is a long vent and I know it already soundsselfish but please bear with me because I am devastated by what happen I can't make myself continue contact with my mother at this point.
MY STORY: My mother broke her hip. She is a young 66 but was not recovering well enough to go to rehab so she ended up in a nursing home. While in that NH she accused a woman of neglecting her and said it was racially motivated. She refused to let me tell the administrator. She refused to eat. She refused to get up to go to the bathroom. She never said please or thank you to anyone who did something for her. She was extremely nasty and all she wanted was to be doped up. This was 4 weeks after surgery, and the staff was trying to get she off the morphine and other narcotics. The staff was very kind and good to her. I had many nights when I didn't sleep worrying about her.. I brought her her favorite foods and bought her all new PJs, slippers, undies etc an thing I could think of to make her comfortable. We were clueless about what was going on with her.

About 2 weeks into nursing home, I discovered she was vomiting. I told her to please tell the doctor but she refused. Mom then got my estranged sister involved and sister filed a complaint with the city about the NH.
The NH doctor met with me the following day(he was very upset) and asked me what was going on with my mother. Did I have any information to help them find out why she wasn't doing well. I mentioned the vomiting(I was forbidden to do so by my mother). He told me that vomiting was not normal.(I thought it might have been from the drugs.) He asked about my moms mental health, I said she had problems in the past with severe depression and suicide attempts. I apologized for my sister and told him my sister was crazy and that what she did was way out of line. I then went back to moms room to find her vomiting and my sister who is a nurse *disposing of the vomit and washing the tray. I told her that she should not have done this because the nurse or doctor probably would want to see the vomit. I was really annoyed my sister did that. Anyway the doc rushed in and sent her to hospital immediately.
Sister started to take moms wallet and I asked for it back and said i would take care of her personal items as I had been doing for 4 weeks now. So she cursed and threw the wallet at me and all the cards and items went flying all over the room and the aides who witnessed my sisters tyraid helped me pick it all up. But guess what was missing from the wallet...mom's credit card and bank card. My sister took them..
At the hospital, they found a thyroid tumor and removed it. Now she is looking very bad.
More pain drugs are necessary. Still she refuses to eat but claims she is getting better.
She begins to see visitors and starts to tell them that my brother, his children, my husband and myself were writing her off. That my brother(who lives with her) was throwing away her personal items. He was actually trying to clear out some of the junk (he packed it in containers)and clean so that her wheel chair would fit in the small house.
She told me I was trying to control her and that I was not allowed to talk to the doctors about her needs. When her friend called, she told her friend that she had asked me to call this frien on her behalf but I didn't do it. She never asked me to and it made me look very bad for not calling her friend. It was a blatant lie and she did it to cover her own neglect at letting her friend know where she was But that is how she does things. She lies alot to make herself look good at the expense of others. **To be continued....
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#2

If your mother’s erratic behavior is new, please bring it to the immediate attention of her doctor. There are frequently physical causes for irrational behavior. If this is ongoing, then just remember that the commandment to “honor” your parents doesn’t mean you have put up with their behavior. I would limit phone calls and visits to keep them short and focused on checking up on how she is doing. Sounds like your sister has her own issues. Try not to take things too personally!

You, and your family, are in my prayers. God bless you for trying to do the right thing in a difficult situation.


#3

Without doing the medical advice thing you may wish to research thyroid tumors - thyroid issues can cause people to become irrational on their own accord. You may want to ask the doctor as well if it is possible that she hit her head when she fell and hurt her hip as many with head injuries also display irrational behavior and cannot remember things later and sometimes will lie to cover that embarassment. But ASK THE DOCTOR


#4

… the rant continues with mom being discharged from hospital. At her request I had her transfered to a different nursing home. At this one she flatly refused to eat or ate very little. She refused to shower. She wouldn’t let the staff clean up her trash or make she bed. Again when treats like ice cream were offered she never said please or thank you just I take one.
I brought my nieces, her grandchildren for a visit. I had not seen them for a while and remarked that they were growing into beautiful young woman to mom. She said that she never thought Mary(not her real name) was pretty.( She tells me constantly that Mary looks like me)(growing up my mom has from time to time told me that I look like my dad and that she never thought he was handsome and by insinuation that I was not pretty) She allowed my siblings to make fun of my nose and I grew up thinking I was very ugly.
My niece is actually stunning, she’s beautiful! My mom just doesn’t like her because she has begun to confront her about many issues she finds hypocritical. My mother can never be wrong or corrected.She’s always been this way.
On one occassion, my husband said that we couldn’t afford a cell phone I think, she said my husband was cheap and it was because he was a Jew. (My husband is Catholic of Jewish heritage.)
She started to ask for take-out to be brought in but never offered to pay for the food). She has a good income and knows that we are hurting in our business. So I just started to pack dinners and snacks from home and bring them. She refused to eat them. To be continued…


#5

Did you check those things with the doctor?


#6

Long story short... I have no access to my mother's doctors. She is now in my sister's care and we are estranged. Mom refused to come and live with me when she was let out of the NH(I have one floor living and a guest room). She told me desperately wanted to go home to the house she shares with my brother. She lied to me saying the she made all arrangements for the equipment that she would need to be delivered to her home so all she would need was the someone to empty her potty. So I packed her into my brother's car and sent her home. When she got home I called to check on her and my brother told that she insisted on being taken to my sister's new rental house because she had no potty and couldn't get upstair to the bathroom(sister has a powder room but no bath or bedroom for her). I realized that mom never ordered the equipment, she lied about the ordering of the equipment to have an excuse to go to my sisters. Later that evening I found out she actually stole a wheel chair from the nursing home. She told me that they said it was hers to take home. I didn't find that out until the NH called me asking for their wheelchair back and I told them that the therapist said she could have it. They assured me that was not true.
Mom has always told lies and is very manipulative so this is not new. I have never had to take care of her before so this was very difficult.
.
When my brother asked her on the way home in the car why she hadn't chosen to stay with me for a while. She replied "I'm not gonna stay with that girl".
When my brother told me this I was hurt, I just replied "so that's what she calls me.-that girl?"
I wish I could say the rant ended here but it doesn't. I got word from my brother that my mom continues to vomit at sister's. It got very bad 5 days before Christmas but she refused to go to hospital. Christmas Eve, I get a call from brother saying my mom now wants to go to hospital. I am an hour away, I don't drive at night,I have a my 2 sons and new girlfriend (who I'm meeting for the first time and we have an evening planned, (dinner and Mass together ) My brother has children he is trying to get to bed so he can play santa. He can't spend the night in the emergency room and leave his kids. I tell him to call an ambulance but mom refuses the ambulance. So my sister who also has children packs mom into a cab and sends her to the emergency room. There mom tells the doctor that her children dumped her there. The doctor, of course, is very disturbed by this. (My mom tells me this on the phone) They tell her that her gallbladder is diseased, schedule her for monday surgery and send her home to my sister's house. She doesn't make it to monday and has emergancy surgery on Christmas day. Her gallbadder is so diseased it bursts when they try to remove it. She ends up with a 20 inch incision because they have to clean her out. Again, I know I almost loss her because she wouldn't seek help when she needed it. I am angry, guilt.ridden and grieved at the pain she is going though and the fact that she could have died.
I know some of you think mom may have injured her head but this is pretty typical for both my mother and my sister as far as behavior goes.

The reason I did not want my mother with my sister is because of sister's lifestyle. She has an alcoholic boyfriend and her own alcohol abuse, the neglect of her own children. She was just kicked out of BF's house for domestic violence and the breaking of his daughter's laptop. The new house(she had to rent a brand new townhouse, pricey) is probably more than my sister can afford, I'm guessing sister needs my moms social security check to pay the rent. My mom has always given her money.10 years ago mom declared bankruptcy because she gave my sister her credit cards to use and she maxed them out leaving mom with a bill she couldn't pay.

This is the end of my rant. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers especially your prayers. I really need them!!!
I have one update to share. I now have emergency custody of 2 of my sister's children ages 7 and 8. Child protective service told me that my neice was attacked by my sister over an unfinished school project. My mom called and told me it was the child's fault.I don't believe her. I have not spoken to mom since...Please pray for me and my family...


#7

You need to see a lawyer about getting power of attorney to tend to your Mom’s medical and legal affairs. If your sister already has it go to court and fight her for it. It sounds like your Mom may be developing some dementia and can’t make good decisions anymore and needs someone who will step up and protect her. It looks like your roles may be reversing now: You parent, she dependent.


#8

Sounds like you are mourning the loss of the relationship you wish you could have had with your mother. It's very hard to admit that such a vital relationship will never be a good, close one. Unfortunately, many things in life are out of our control, especially when they involve other people's behavior. Perhaps this would be a good time to draw near to Mary, and seek comfort from her.

I know some people on this forum are not Dr. Laura fans, but I do recommend the book Bad Childhood, Good Life by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

You and your family are in my prayers.


#9

My mom lives with me, and I remember a time when she was not taking all her medications. It was really imbarassing for me when we went in for a check up and then gave this story about how she felt I didn’t love her and so on.

I was shocked at the time and so angry, but once she went back on all her meds, it was a completely different story. She was like night and day. My suggestion would be to see if you can schedule an appointment with her doctor to find out what she needs to be taking, and get the power of attorney.

It’s hard taking care of an aging parent and trying to figure out if they really mean what they say or if it’s the condition they are in that is causing them to say those things. I will pray for you and ask God to help you with this journey. Sometimes you may feel like pulling your hair out, so vent to us whenever you need to :wink: The hospital may also have services to support you and your mom.


#10

Was she always this way, or is this unusual?

I ask because I’ve seen my husband’s grandmother completely lose touch with reality, all due to a urinary tract infection. She accused her sons of stealing from her, she sat in the dark one night with her bags packed waiting for the police to come and get her. She was put into a psych hospital, on some decent medication.

It took them months to find the problem, and when they fixed it, she regained her mental faculties, and was mostly reasonable. During that time, she also stopped eating, and they had to feed her with a tube. The family was considering removing the tube and allowing her to die (I argued strongly against this). With a bit more investigation, they found that she had oral thrush, and it hurt her to eat. When they fixed that she started eating again.

That was about five years ago. She hasn’t got her previous life back, her brain has been damaged by all this, but she’s much much better than she was. It might be worth asking for tests to be done to try and find evidence of infection, because it can have a strong effect on a person’s mental state.

Maybe.


#11

:console::byzsoc:


#12

[quote="Sirach_43, post:8, topic:189396"]
Sounds like you are mourning the loss of the relationship you wish you could have had with your mother. It's very hard to admit that such a vital relationship will never be a good, close one. Unfortunately, many things in life are out of our control, especially when they involve other people's behavior. Perhaps this would be a good time to draw near to Mary, and seek comfort from her.

I know some people on this forum are not Dr. Laura fans, but I do recommend the book Bad Childhood, Good Life by Dr. Laura Schlessinger.

You and your family are in my prayers.

[/quote]

I personally also found comfort from a book which the author I cannot remember but I can you can find it on Amazon - It is called "When Bad Relatives Happen to Good people."


#13

[quote="Sirach_43, post:8, topic:189396"]
Sounds like you are mourning the loss of the relationship you wish you could have had with your mother. It's very hard to admit that such a vital relationship will never be a good, close one. Unfortunately, many things in life are out of our control, especially when they involve other people's behavior. Perhaps this would be a good time to draw near to Mary, and seek comfort from her.

[/quote]

I had hoped mom changed from her crazy behavior when she came back to the Church about 20 years ago, though she very zealous about her faith, it's kinda a messed up version.
For instance in 2000 mom was going around telling the family that the world was going to end. She convinced my poor Aunt to stock her basement with food and water. When no great catastopy happened she denied she ever said it. It was all she ever taked about. She is very obsessed with Marian apparitions, some that have been condemned by the Bishops. She has completely turned my nieces off to the Faith.

Thank you for kind post. It helped alot to remind me to cling to Mary.
I believe that Our Blessed Mother has always stepped in and cared for me as She will now. I have had many consolations from Her in my life. Your post reminded me about Her continued love and caring for me. She is a good Mother.


#14

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