I have been very disappointed with God in the past one month and a half and I always feel tempted to abandon my Catholic Faith.
Yes, I do love the Eucharist, I do believe in the Real Presence, but I don’t find God a loving Father. He does not respond to my prayer and I cannot hear His voice.
I know I have sinned to much and sometimes I am indeed dismayed at my poor spiritual progress, but sometimes I also feel He doesn’t really care about me - well, if He wants to throw me into Hell, feel free to do so! He is always moving the goal post in the game called life …
I am fed up with seeing bad priests and priests who do not care about the faithful. They are like civil servants within a hierarchy known as the Church - they may do their job right, nothing more, nothing less, but don’t expect too much. They are more like church keepers than pastors.
I am fed up with hypocritical parishioners and unfairness in the parish. Of course there are a lot of kindhearted ladies and gentlemen, but this is a rarity.
I know everyone is a sinner - I am in fact a big sinner so I shouldn’t be that ‘intolerant’ towards others. But I am fed up with all these.
I know I should go to Mass, and I do, but this is done only to avoid punishment. I still remember how much I loved going to the Mass and saying the Rosary when I was young. Well, admit it - the sheer fact that I was baptized was already too much a miracle, for my family was non-religious, the entire society was secular, and I grew up in an environment of little Faith. I feel detached to the parish.
Every Sunday I am tempted not to go to the Mass. And I am getting less interested in Tridentine Liturgy as I used to be. Yet I really feel how dead and dry deep within me without my Catholic Faith. But I don’t care. If God is really a loving Father, why not guide me through all these?
Why can our Cardinals, Bishops - and the Pope - abandon the suffering faithful and seek to establish diplomatic relationship with the evil Communists? I am really afraid of being abandoned by the Church one day - no matter if I am still a churchgoer or I am a future priest.
My spiritual director said I seem to have a Vocation, but God never replies to my prayer. I am fed up with searching for meaning of my life. I am lazy. I am scared of change. And my spiritual director, by the way, is a non-empathic parish priest. I asked God to find me another spiritual director but He never replied.
And I failed my exam. Why abandon me?