Abortion Taken Lightly


#1

:banghead: The thought of even talking about this makes me upset but I need advice.
I am very much PRO-LIFE! The thought of abortion is cruel, gross, inhumane, and just plain WRONG! The reason I am so touchy about it is because I’m adopted and my biological mom was only 16 when she had me and the concept of abortion would have been an easy out for her. She chose life, obviously, and I thank God everyday that she did.
My friend, Darise, is a free-spirit and does whatever she wants when she wants. She’s basically a spoiled brat. We haven’t been very close friends since college because my priorities have changed and I have a family now. She’s still single and free.
Well, she got pregnant last June by her “so-called” boyfriend at the time. She was scared and so I was there for her. I helped find her a doctor and get on Medicaid so she wouldn’t have any medical expenses to pay for. I even told her that if she didn’t think she could handle a baby, I knew a good couple that would love to adopt. They would even buy Darise maternity clothes and pay for anything she needed or wanted during the pregnancy. That’s how bad these people want a child. They’re on an adoption waiting list but there’s no children available around here right now.
To make a long story short, I hadn’t heard from her in awhile and I tried calling her but received no answer. She had an abortion. I was so furious at her and I’m still mad at her for doing that.
My question to everyone reading this is: Should I remain her friend or should I let her go? I still can’t forgive her for the abortion because she acts like it was no big deal. She discarded the baby like a pair of shoes she didn’t want anymore. :banghead:


#2

Let her go, but pray for her. Try not to be angry. Instead, see her as a lost soul in need of guidance. If you see her, make it clear that you love her and pray for her, but that you are so pained by her choices that you need to keep your distance.


#3

[quote=mrs_abbott]:banghead: She had an abortion. I was so furious at her and I’m still mad at her for doing that.
My question to everyone reading this is: Should I remain her friend or should I let her go? I still can’t forgive her for the abortion because she acts like it was no big deal. She discarded the baby like a pair of shoes she didn’t want anymore. :banghead:
[/quote]

Of course abortion is a serious and horrible thing. But, no person is beyond redemption, and we are not their judges. Refusing her friendship because of her abortion confirms what many pro-abortion advocates say: pro-lifers only care about the baby and not the woman.

When a woman aborts her child, she aborts a piece of herself. She may not have any visible signs of distress, but they will eventually come out. Most relationships break up within one year of an abortion. Many women go through depression and PAS (post abortion syndrome). And, she will need a friend when the ramifications of what she’s done come home to her (and that may be years from now).

You do not have to condone or approve of what she did, but if you want to help her, you must get past your anger and be ready to provide her with support and healing. Women who do not get healing from abortion are likely to repeat and have additional abortions.

You can get post abortion information from www.hh76.com and by looking at Rachel’s Vineyard and Project Rachel websites.

Continue to try to get through to her. Many women who have had abortions have been healed, and are now pro-life. Think of all the brave women holding their signs “I Regret My Abortion” at the March For Life.

If you feel you cannot be open and loving to her despite what she has done, then yes you should discontinue contact.


#4

She’s not with that guy anymore but she took him back after she broke up with him after the abortion. He drove her to the clinic to get it done.
I still talk to her but it’s not the same. I’m trying not to be angry at her but it’s hard. I’ve told her how I feel and she just nodded her head.
I just know that if it’d happen again (a pregnancy), she’d do the same thing again.
It just feels like I can talk to her all I want and try and help her but she always turns around and does what SHE wants.
She’s very selfish and spoiled and needs a good reality check. :frowning:


#5

[quote=ReginaNova]Let her go, but pray for her. Try not to be angry. Instead, see her as a lost soul in need of guidance. If you see her, make it clear that you love her and pray for her, but that you are so pained by her choices that you need to keep your distance.
[/quote]

I’ve kinda distanced myself already in fear of saying nothing but harsh things when I’m around here. Like I said, I still talk to her but don’t see her anymore. It’s sad but my heart was shattered when she did that.


#6

I know someone who had 2 abortions, was totally okay with it, and only in the past couple of years has come to realise what she has done…all those years ago. She has even become a Catholic and is very pro-life now! So, the fact that your friend is totally okay with her decision to abort NOW, doesn’t pre-clude that she won’t feel terrible about it a few years from now…

But, if you have drifted apart, as sometimes happens with friendships, then maybe it is time for both of you to ‘move on’…

Anna x


#7

[quote=mrs_abbott]…I still talk to her but it’s not the same. I’m trying not to be angry at her but it’s hard. I’ve told her how I feel and she just nodded her head. I just know that if it’d happen again (a pregnancy), she’d do the same thing again…
[/quote]

No, you don’t.

While I can understand the intensity of your emotions on this topic (my only sibling was adopted) this was not a personal attack on you–nor is it really about you. Your friend made a value judgment under very stressful circumstances with which you strongly disagree. Based on your description of her, it probably is an accurate reflection of her overall character and maturity. However, as grave a mistake as it may be in your eyes, sometimes it is just these experiences in life that make us stop, re-evaluate our decision making and values, grow up a little and ultimately lead us to follow a new path.

I would encourage you to be there for her. She may in time come to regret the behaviour that put her in such a desperate situation, and her ultimate decision to undergo the abortion. More often than not it is compassion, not condemnation, that softens a hard, selfish heart and opens it up to change. If you can be a model of Christ’s love to her, you could be responsible for helping to work the miracle of converting her defensive stubborness to humility and sincere repentence.

You need to ask yourself–if this is a friend/person I value, then what is my ultimate goal for them–to do what is best for their soul-or-make myself feel better by unleashing my anger and resentment upon them.


#8

[quote=Island Oak]You need to ask yourself–if this is a friend/person I value, then what is my ultimate goal for them–to do what is best for their soul-or-make myself feel better by unleashing my anger and resentment upon them.
[/quote]

I’m not making myself feel better by “unleashing my anger and resentment”. I hate feeling this way toward her. I just can’t seem to forgive her and move past it. Yes, I do know she would do it again if it happened now because she said she’s not ready for kids right now and she hopes she doesn’t get pregnant right now because otherwise she’d have to get an abortion again.
I’m simply tongue-tied.


#9

[quote=anna1978]I know someone who had 2 abortions, was totally okay with it, and only in the past couple of years has come to realise what she has done…all those years ago. She has even become a Catholic and is very pro-life now! So, the fact that your friend is totally okay with her decision to abort NOW, doesn’t pre-clude that she won’t feel terrible about it a few years from now…

But, if you have drifted apart, as sometimes happens with friendships, then maybe it is time for both of you to ‘move on’…

Anna x
[/quote]

And I don’t want to be her friend out of guilt when her world may come crashing down. I can be the distant friend, I guess, for now and go from there.


#10

She has been badly mislead by the dominant Culture of Death, as advocated by Hollywood and many liberal policitians.
The Hollywood mentality wants people to think of abortion as a bandaid and not as the child murder it is. We need to pray and work to defeat this mentality whereever it exists.

May all the Angels, Saints, and people of good will pray for the conversion of hearts of those mislead as well as those doing the misleading.


#11

[quote=mrs_abbott]…I hate feeling this way toward her. I just can’t seem to forgive her and move past it…
[/quote]

Once again, you mischaracterize the problem by placing yourself squarely in the middle of a dilema in which you really have no part. She has done something which is incidentally offensive to you, but over which you have no power or ability to “forgive.” She has not personally wronged/harmed you by her actions. You are offended by a choice she made and action she took that in its purpose had nothing to do with you. As a friend, your negative reaction may give her pause to contemplate her decision-making, but she owes you nothing–including an apology.

[quote=]Yes, I do know she would do it again if it happened now because she said she’s not ready for kids right now and she hopes she doesn’t get pregnant right now because otherwise she’d have to get an abortion again.
[/quote]

This is regrettable and understandably disturbing as it seems to indicate she’s learned nothing from her misadventure other than the route to the abortionist. If you find you either can’t stomach her conduct or can’t separate yourself from taking her conduct personally then stepping away from this relationship would be in both of your best interests. It may reflect the simple truth that you two are at odds over some fairly fundamental values and therefore may not be compatible as friends. It’s hard to imagine maintaining a reciprocal friendship with someone for whom you feel no respect. Just as she does not “owe” you an apology for actions that do not impact you directly, you are not obligated to continue a friendship with someone whose conduct you deem to be morally reprehensible.


#12

I would encourage you to really read Island Oaks posts again. You have made this about you. Whether or not you ever talk to her again, you need to see this clearly for you … then you will be able to be open to what the Holy Spirit is calling you to do in this particular situation.

It is only after you get a more objective view on the situation, can you trust any decision you make stemming from it.

Believe me, she will suffer over her decision more than you ever will, wether in this life or the next.

If you counseled a friend to divorce or not to … would you expect an apology if they didn’t heed your advice?

It is one thing to end a relationship because of other more valid reasons, but it is prideful to end a relationship because she didn’t take your advice.

This may help. When I was a teenager I had an abortion, an aunt tried to talk me out of it. I did not listen and allowed myself to be swayed by my mother who was a more powerful influence over my life. Many years later after a reversion, I realized what I had done and was full of repentance. I was so sorry for what I had done, and my contrition was directed towards God and my child. Though I am thankful for her attempts to help me, I do not now or have ever felt it necessary to apologize to HER. My offense was not against her, except in the way that it impacts society generally.

I think you really need to bring this to prayer, and ask God what he wants YOU to learn from this.

I am thinking you may have an area He wants to heal through this emotional cross.


#13

I just wanted to add my sympathy. It is hard when you see someone treat LIFE so casually. Be thankful you do not have to live with this regret.

I recently met a girl who was sharing how she had met her boyfriend, and that on their first date, he had to take her home and care for her, because she was sick and still bleeding from an abortion the week before. I was stunned as she described how he took care of her with no referance to the abortion other than as as if it was a cold or something.:bigyikes:

She has no idea what she is in for …:nope:

It is a hell I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.


#14

I totally agree with Island Oak and Ana. Praise to you Ana for admitting your story, as I totally understand too. My reversion is the result of two abortions. My very Catholic parents offered to pay for the first one and I was so destroyed by that one that a second one just flowed right through as I felt I didn’t have a leg to stand on. (I’ve posted my story once before on these boards) Ironically, I am married to the man from which the second abortion stemmed and we have three children. Does it hang in our marriage? Only to the extent that I have become VERY pro-life and he’s still on the fence. He sees how it has destroyed me and almost our marriage, but he is still delusional about “choice.” I can only pray for him. I have learned to forgive myself and my husband… I am currently working on forgiving my parents.

I hurt when with your criticizm of your friend. You don’t know her heart and you don’t know that this just might be the start of a long downward spiral for her. I hid my spiral for 10 years until I hit bottom and blew up. My friend that is devoutly pro-life and stood by my side every step of the way showered me with sound bytes of Christ’s love and kept showing me the path to a Rachel’s Vineyard retreat. I highly recommend that you tell your friend “Hey, I’ve done some research about women that have had abortions and if you ever feel like you want to talk or something, or that you’re hurting, www.rachelsvineyard.org is a great resource site. I’ve heard and read really great things about the retreats.” And leave it at that. Don’t push her. Abortion might disgust you, but (praise God) you have NEVER been in those shoes and you don’t know the condemnation we post-abortive women carry for ourselves. I wouldn’t want the president of NARAL in that position (althought I’m sure they’ve been there, done that) because it hurts… and not just physically.

Give her time, she will start to connect the dots and she doesn’t need a so-called friend being condescending and judgmental. You can distance yourself, but do it out of love, not fear and hatred for what she did. You can let her know that you love her and that you are always praying for her and you will be there if she ever needs to talk but you are taking a time out from the relationship. Nothing worse than needing a friend to talk to about a screw up you’ve done only to find the one you thought was safe, judging you.

I just had a friend that allowed her husband to have a vasectomy, although they are both devout Catholics and used to use NFP. I fought for two months, but I kept it very charitable and I emphasized over and over again that I won’t judge her or hate her for the choice she and her husband make for their relationship. I knew how it hurt her to have to even think of having to make a choice like that, the last thing she needed was a friend judging her. She knew my opinion, I gave it to her on more than one occassion, she respects me… but I respect and love her enough to know when to back off. I know, I know… abortion isn’t the same as sterilization… but the loving your friend even though they ask your opinion, you give it and they don’t take your advice… is the same.

Ask yourself how many times you’ve hurt Christ, and see how many times He goes “But I still love you and I’m here for you.”

How about you check out www.rachelsvineyard.org and go to a retreat? You’re effected by abortion too (although you’ve never had one)… and your eyes will be opened to the true heartache the women suffer. And maybe, just then, you won’t be so condemning of your friend.


#15

[quote=mrs_abbott]:banghead: The thought of even talking about this makes me upset but I need advice.
I am very much PRO-LIFE! The thought of abortion is cruel, gross, inhumane, and just plain WRONG! The reason I am so touchy about it is because I’m adopted and my biological mom was only 16 when she had me and the concept of abortion would have been an easy out for her. She chose life, obviously, and I thank God everyday that she did.
My friend, Darise, is a free-spirit and does whatever she wants when she wants. She’s basically a spoiled brat. We haven’t been very close friends since college because my priorities have changed and I have a family now. She’s still single and free.
Well, she got pregnant last June by her “so-called” boyfriend at the time. She was scared and so I was there for her. I helped find her a doctor and get on Medicaid so she wouldn’t have any medical expenses to pay for. I even told her that if she didn’t think she could handle a baby, I knew a good couple that would love to adopt. They would even buy Darise maternity clothes and pay for anything she needed or wanted during the pregnancy. That’s how bad these people want a child. They’re on an adoption waiting list but there’s no children available around here right now.
To make a long story short, I hadn’t heard from her in awhile and I tried calling her but received no answer. She had an abortion. I was so furious at her and I’m still mad at her for doing that.
My question to everyone reading this is: Should I remain her friend or should I let her go? I still can’t forgive her for the abortion because she acts like it was no big deal. She discarded the baby like a pair of shoes she didn’t want anymore. :banghead:
[/quote]

yes it is discusting, yes it is awefull, and yes it is evil, but dont be surprised. Id argue most Americans have a similer attitude. Like in the voting buth. When voting even Catholic americans are more worried about economic issues rather than right to life. We will get our punishment as americans for not fixing this problem too, just like the roman empire did at its end.


#16

[quote=mrs_abbott]:banghead: The thought of even talking about this makes me upset but I need advice.
I am very much PRO-LIFE! The thought of abortion is cruel, gross, inhumane, and just plain WRONG! The reason I am so touchy about it is because I’m adopted and my biological mom was only 16 when she had me and the concept of abortion would have been an easy out for her. She chose life, obviously, and I thank God everyday that she did.
My friend, Darise, is a free-spirit and does whatever she wants when she wants. She’s basically a spoiled brat. We haven’t been very close friends since college because my priorities have changed and I have a family now. She’s still single and free.
Well, she got pregnant last June by her “so-called” boyfriend at the time. She was scared and so I was there for her. I helped find her a doctor and get on Medicaid so she wouldn’t have any medical expenses to pay for. I even told her that if she didn’t think she could handle a baby, I knew a good couple that would love to adopt. They would even buy Darise maternity clothes and pay for anything she needed or wanted during the pregnancy. That’s how bad these people want a child. They’re on an adoption waiting list but there’s no children available around here right now.
To make a long story short, I hadn’t heard from her in awhile and I tried calling her but received no answer. She had an abortion. I was so furious at her and I’m still mad at her for doing that.
My question to everyone reading this is: Should I remain her friend or should I let her go? I still can’t forgive her for the abortion because she acts like it was no big deal. She discarded the baby like a pair of shoes she didn’t want anymore. :banghead:
[/quote]

Mrs. Abbott,

Please listen to this show when you get a chance. It will air Friday but you can listed to a replay at any time on Catholic Answers.

Yvonne Florczak-Seeman will be on “Catholic Answers” Friday, February 17th!!!

If you miss the show click here to listen to it…

www2.catholic.com/radio/cale…ar=1&category=0


**Woman Who Had 5 Abortions Finds “Love From Above” **

forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=62272


#17

Mrs. Abbott,

Here’s another story you should listen to…

**Have you heard CHOOSE LIFE: The Cindy & Jennifer Speltz Story? **

forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=83073&highlight=life+rock+jeff+cavins


Have you heard CHOOSE LIFE: The Cindy & Jennifer Speltz Story?

This is ONE of the BEST CHOOSE LIFE STORIES I have ever listened to. If you have not heard the story, you must listen to it. Stacked against ALL ODDS, the CINDY & JENNIFER SPELTZ STORY!!!

Click on “Life on the Rock #110” to Listen to the Story…

http://www.ewtn.com/rock/files/images/LR_110.jpg
[left]Life on the Rock #110
**Jeff Cavins with Cindy & Jennifer Speltz **
Originally aired: 3/11/1999
Theme: Choose Life
[/left]


#18

[quote=tamccrackine]I hurt when with your criticizm of your friend. You don’t know her heart and you don’t know that this just might be the start of a long downward spiral for her. I hid my spiral for 10 years until I hit bottom and blew up.
[/quote]

You’re right, I don’t know her heart. I do know, however, she’s extremely selfish and self-centered though because that’s obvious in her everyday life. As long as she continues to think of herself and herself only, I have nothing but criticism for her. It’d been different if she had the abortion out of fear. I’d be able to forgive her then.

[quote=]Abortion might disgust you, but (praise God) you have NEVER been in those shoes and you don’t know the condemnation we post-abortive women carry for ourselves. I wouldn’t want the president of NARAL in that position (althought I’m sure they’ve been there, done that) because it hurts… and not just physically.
[/quote]

Right again, I’ve never been through an abortion. I’ve had what people like to call “an unwanted or unplanned pregnancy” and I wasn’t dating the baby’s father anymore and he wanted nothing to do with the baby. During the whole pregnancy, even due to lack of support from family, I still had the baby and almost gave him up for adoption until I met my current husband. Never once did I consider abortion. Abortion is murder, plain and simple, of an innocent baby who did NOTHING wrong. I have nothing but hatred for those who kill and think it’s alright. That’s my stance.

[quote=]Give her time, she will start to connect the dots and she doesn’t need a so-called friend being condescending and judgmental. You can distance yourself, but do it out of love, not fear and hatred for what she did. You can let her know that you love her and that you are always praying for her and you will be there if she ever needs to talk but you are taking a time out from the relationship. Nothing worse than needing a friend to talk to about a screw up you’ve done only to find the one you thought was safe, judging you.
[/quote]

I think the friendship is over. The more I think about and more I talk about it here, it can never be the same. It probably never was a strong friendship in the first place. I can never look at her the same way again.

God have mercy on me!

[quote=]Ask yourself how many times you’ve hurt Christ, and see how many times He goes “But I still love you and I’m here for you.”
[/quote]

I’m not a baby-killer. I have my own short-comings to work on, like harshly judging people. I need to learn to leave it in God’s hands.

[quote=]How about you check out www.rachelsvineyard.org and go to a retreat? You’re effected by abortion too (although you’ve never had one)… and your eyes will be opened to the true heartache the women suffer. And maybe, just then, you won’t be so condemning of your friend.
[/quote]

“I hurt when I read your criticism of me. You don’t know my heart.” Who are you to judge me?


#19

I just have to say Mrs. Abbott…Morn the baby…pray for the friend.

I don’t see how you could remain too friendly with this particular person however…not because she had an abortion…but because the two of you obviously have nothing in common! Your values are polar opposites!

Friends are supposed to be people who you enjoy being around. They don’t stress you out or anger you…hopefully they help you to grow. If you are a “friend” with anyone who makes you feel bad when you are around them…it is a sign to move on.


#20

[quote=Ana]I would encourage you to really read Island Oaks posts again. You have made this about you. Whether or not you ever talk to her again, you need to see this clearly for you … then you will be able to be open to what the Holy Spirit is calling you to do in this particular situation.

It is only after you get a more objective view on the situation, can you trust any decision you make stemming from it.

If you counseled a friend to divorce or not to … would you expect an apology if they didn’t heed your advice?

It is one thing to end a relationship because of other more valid reasons, but it is prideful to end a relationship because she didn’t take your advice.

I think you really need to bring this to prayer, and ask God what he wants YOU to learn from this.

I am thinking you may have an area He wants to heal through this emotional cross.
[/quote]

I’ve prayed to God to help post-abortion women and help them realize what they’ve done so they’ll never do it again and to help them find peace. Abortion is a horrible thing.
I tried to help my friend and no, she obviously didn’t take my advice. It’s a big deal though that she didn’t listen because it cost an innocent baby his/her life.
There’s no healing. Killing is killing, no matter how you look at it.


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