About To Be Married Soon...And Still Can't Make Love To Her


#1

Hey guys. I have somewhat of a situation on my hands and wanted to hear your guys’ opinion. I apologize for the long post. But please read through this and let me know what you think.

Ok…first off, I’m getting married next month. The end of August to be exact. My fiancee and I are both very excited and what not and we can’t wait to be married. Here’s the thing though. My fiancee has been diagnosed with some kind of syndrome called “PCOP” or something like that. It’s this syndrome that affects the hormones and ovulation cycles of a woman so much to the point that she doesn’t have a period, her weight starts to go up, she may get more hair in certain parts of her body, etc., etc.

This has been going on for a while now. To make a long story short, my fiancee got pregnant by the guy she was with before me and her got together and after she had the baby (which was almost 2 years ago) her body has just not been the same. While they were giving her the C Section, they discovered that she had a fibroid. And that started affecting her period. So they put her on birth control to make her body have a period. After a few months, the fiborid shrunk so my fiancee got off the birth control, but then her period stopped again. And that’s when they diagnosed her with this PCOP thing.

We went to the doctor yesterday and the good news is, that she can get treated for this syndrome using methods that don’t involve birth control (thank GOD) and it will bring her period and her body size back to normal with some time. However, the bad news is, that the doctor advised us to abstain from having sex until her cycles are back to normal. Strictly because of the fact that since she’s not having a period but still experiencing some symptoms (such as the discharge from her vagina and cramps and stuff), it could really throw us off while trying to practice NFP. Which is also a new experience for us. Because neither her or I have tried NFP and since her body isn’t acting normally, it would be hard to tell when she’s ovulating and when she isn’t. So to prevent having anymore kids for now, the doctor highly advised waiting until her cycles are back to normal. And we don’t even know how long that’ll take. It could be a few weeks or it could be a few months from now.

My fiancee and I have been together for 2 years now. And in that whole time, her and I have abstained from having relations with each other because we are both preserving ourselves until we’re married. I’m a virgin, but she’s obviously not a virgin because of the baby she had. She’s not Catholic either, but she’s always respected my beliefs as a Catholic and so that’s why she hasn’t forced me or pressured me into having sex with her this whole time. So we’ve both abstained together (her for 2 years and me all my life so far) and we were both very excited about the wedding night. Because once we’re married we could make love to each other the right way (God’s way). But now that the doctor has told us to wait even LONGER, it just really frustrates the both of us. Because now having abstained after all this time, now we have to abstain even longer. And we have a 1 week honeymoon package booked for Puerto Rico the day after the wedding. If we go over there and can’t even make love to each other, it’s just not gonna feel like a honeymoon. So we’re both very frustrated right now. Because we don’t know how long it’s gonna take for her body to go back to normal.

And to be honest, my fiancee hasn’t been making it any easier on me. Her first reaction was asking me to use a condom on our wedding night. And immediatly I was like “No, of course not.” Because the doctor didn’t advise to abstain from using NFP. She advised us to abstain from having SEX period overall. Until her cycsles are back to normal. And then she got angry and then I got angry and…the past day or so just hasn’t been easy. I mean the wedding planning in itself was hectic enough. And now to hear that even when we’re married we’re STILL going to have to wait. It’s just unbearable.

A side of me is telling me to just use some condoms for the wedding night and the honeymoon (just so that we can make some kind of love on our first night together as husband and wife and on our honeymoon) and then not ever use them again afterwards. Because we’re both going to feel misearable going on a honeymoon knowing that we won’t be able to make love to one another. Especially after waiting as long as we have waited. But the spiritual side of me is like “If I use a condom on our first night as husband and wife, not only will I be disregarding everything I believe as a catholic christian, but all that waiting would’ve been for nothing. If I’ve waited all this time to make love to the woman of my dreams in the right way and then end up using a condom, then the wait was for nothing. I could’ve used a condom at anytime with her or any of my other past gf’s. But I didn’t, because I was waiting to do it in the right way. And that is not done by using artificial contraception.” Not to mention, I don’t want my first time to be done using a condom. That just wouldn’t feel right to me. This is my wife, why should I use a condom? It’s just really messing with my head, ya know? What do you guys think?


#2

Contraception is always morally wrong. You know this. Pray and find strength in the Eucharist to resist the temptation to sin.

Regarding PCOS, NFP, cycles, etc, I strongly urge your fiancee to learn the Creighton Model of NFP and consult with Dr. Hilgers at the Pope Paul VI Institute. He is a fertility expert and has helped many women with the issues your fiancee has. Creighton NFP can be used when a woman has such cycle issues. And, one must be charting Creighton to consult with Dr. Hilgers.

www.fertilitycare.org
www.creightonmodel.com
www.popepaulvi.com


#3

Oh really? They have specific NFP plans for women who have medical issues like my fiancee? Wow, that’s great news. That’s awesome news. I’ll definetly take a look at those links. Thanks a LOT. I really appreciate it :slight_smile:

I mean if we have to wait for MONTHS until her cycles are back up, I don’t thinkw e could take it man, lol. I told my fiancee just now about this method as well. But she was just like “…Ok…”. So she’s still all mad and stuff. But oh well, hopefully she’ll get over it.


#4

Yes, get in with a Creighton teacher ASAP.

Many women have PCOS, it’s fairly common, and can certainly be charted and potentially fixed. I would advise having your fiancee begin charting immediately, because learned charting does require one cycle of abstinence.

Good luck!

Liz


#5

When you are married, there will be times of periodic continence, whether you use NFP or not. Read 1 Corinthians 7; there are just moral reasons for periodic continental in marriage. Prayer and fasting are the explict reasons that are listed by St. Paul, in this section from his epistle. So you need to prepare yourself for some of this, regardless of whether you use NFP.

There are certain other legitimate reasons for not paying the marriage debt. Sickness is clearly a reason. Your fiance clearly has a serious illness, so you may need to wait to consummate your marriage.

You need to be extremely senstive and supportive during this period. You need to subjugate your sexual needs to the physical and emotional needs of your spouse. (In reality, that is what good Christian husbands do throghout their marriage, not just during the first month or two.) So this will be a good - but though - learning experience for you.


#6

Oh, I know. Trust me, I know. And despite the fact that I want to make love to her so badly on our wedding night and on our honeymoon (especially after waiting all my life so far), honestly, waiting another few weeks or another month or so wouldn’t be a problem for ME. I’ve waited 23+ years so waiting another few weeks or months wouldn’t be an issue for me. She’s the one who’s taking it harder then I am. I mean I was upset, but at the same time I was like “I’ll live. I’ll be ok.” But since she’s not accustomed to abstinence and has been abstinent for 2 years and going now, it’s a lot more frustrating and harder on her because her body just wants it, ya know?

But she’s always been very understanding. So I’m pretty sure she’ll simmer down after a while and be open to this method and to NFP.


#7

I just wanted to offer my thoughts and prayers. It sounds like you’re going to be a wonderful husband who’s trying to lead and guide your future wife in faith and morality and I commend you for that! :thumbsup:
Definitely look up the Creighton Model information. There are several different NFP techniques - including Sympto-Thermal (what I use!), Marquette, Billings, Creighton, etc… but from what I’ve heard the Creighton Model tends to have the best results for those with PCOS.

Good luck and may God bless you and your future wife! :slight_smile:


#8

Just wanted to add my support. Know you and your future wife are in my prayers. You are facing a difficult situation but God will help you through! God bless you.


#9

For what it’s worth, I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

On a side note, everyone you speak too should remember that sex is an extremely important part in a marriage-in particular to a guy. Saying either NFP or abstinence might be “morally true” but it’s also quite cruel.

Your in my prayers my friend. Speak to priests, the above listed centers, all that jazz.


#10

Wow, you’re definitely in a frustrating situation, but just think: waiting even longer just goes to show how much you love your bride (not to mention God!). Your fiance is lucky to have a guy like you!


#11

I want to say that you’ve done a wonderful job keeping yourself pure, that is so great to hear.

In addition the moral problems of using an artificial birth control, I would also fear that it would lower your wife-to-be’s respect for your religious convictions. What is the value of laws that you can break on a whim?

Also, is the abstaining just because NFP is unreliable for her right now? If that is the case I would suggest that you really talk over the reasons (you are supposed to have GRAVE reasons it to be morally acceptable to use NFP) that you “can’t” have children yet.


#12

Thank you all for your support and wonderful comments and best of wishes for me and my future bride. And I especially thank you all for the prayers. We definetly need them. Not just to get us through this situation with her medical issues but also with the wedding. This thing has been so hectic and I can’t WAIT for it to be over, lol. But yeah, thanks guys. I appreciate the support and the help :slight_smile:

Does anyone know how much it costs for these creighton model teachers and how long the courses are?


#13

:)Just wanted to send you both my prayers and good wishes for a long and happy married life. You sound such a lovely, thoughtful guy - your fiancee is very lucky:thumbsup:


#14

I too just want to let you know that you sound like a very mature, caring man, who has done his research and knows in his heart what is the right thing to do. Congradulations on your wedding. You and your fiance are lucky to have each other.:slight_smile:


#15

It will vary by teacher. Usually Creighton teachers hold one hour introductory classes every so often. These are free and open to everyone. You can call the family life office in your diocese to find out when these are. Then, if you sign up for instruction, the Creighton teacher will meet with you on on one. You meet every couple of weeks at the beginning and then less often as you get the hang of it.

We have two Creighton providers in our area. One charges $125 for all the sessions and follow up visits. The other charges $25 per session and you pay as you go. I can’t imagine either of them turning down someone who wasn’t able to pay.


#16

Agreed. If anyone would know, it should be. However, the OP’s circumstance is completely different form my own. He should not have sex with his wife for a temporary period of time, for health reasons. I have not had sex for 16 years because of sexual refusal by my wife.

Yes, this can be tough, but whether it is cruel, depends on circumstances. I wouldn’t describe what the OP has to go through as cruel. It will be tough - I am not denying that. But that doesn’t necessarily make it cruel.


#17

If you end up having to wait, make some other plans to make things special. Plan particular meaningful things for your honeymoon. You might ant to consider visiting some churches or special prayer services, or just things that you will both enjoy. And when you get the green light from the doctor, plan something special for that too.

You wouldn’t be the first couple that had something like this intrude on their honeymoon, even a particularly inconveniently placed menstrual cycle can cause difficulties of that kind. It won’t be the biggest difficulty you face.


#18

I just want to say thank you all from the bottom of my heart. My fiancee and I went yesterday to go see an NFP counselor who is going to tutor us on the Creighton Model. Hopefully she’ll get to cover all the important things and we’ll get the hang of it by the time the wedding comes around. But we’ll see.

Keep us in your prayers so that we’ll learn how to use the method properly so that my fiancee won’t get pregnant anytime soon. And thank you guys. Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for telling us about this. I just hope and pray it works. God bless you all :smiley:


#19

Two things:

1-You are worried your honeymoon won’t “feel like a honeymoon.” I understand that feeling, but honestly, who says what a honeymoon is supposed to feel like? Plenty of people have to abstain on their honeymoons, and that doesn’t make the vacation celebrating your marriage less of a honeymoon. Try to change your expectations about that - there will invariably be anniversaries and other romantic occasions in your marriage, during which you will have to abstain. Oh, and when you finally are allowed to consummate your marriage, plan a weekend trip or a night someplace fancy - like a 2nd honeymoon. Hey, how many people get one of those?

2-You’ve waited this long because you want to do it right. It’s just a little longer - not worth doing it the wrong way after all that. Imagine yourself 10 years after you’ve been married. You will have had plenty of marital relations, you won’t care whether or not you did it on your honeymoon or any of that. But you could still have a strong sense of regret that after waiting your whole life, the first few times of being intimate with your wife, the love of your life, you did it in such a way as to degrade the loving act you were trying to commit. You are saving yourself for her so you can give yourself completely to her. Yet if you contracept those first times, you won’t give yourself to her completely - you will have held something back - and your plan will have been thwarted. Don’t you want the memory of your first time with her to be joyful, and not marred by the knowledge that it was done in sin?

Just keep your eye on the prize - it’s not permanent abstaining, and someday, you’ll be glad you waited. Congratulations on the engagement, and prayers for her cycle to get sorted out quickly.


#20

Hi there
I think you already got a lot of good advise here. But here is my perspective. A lot of women with PCOS struggle with infertility. So maybe the thing that you guys are struggling so much to avoid now will be the most difficult thing to achieve later. My advise would be that you enjoy your honeymoon FULLY. Probably you wont conceive but if you do it is still a blessing. Maybe I just don’t understand this idea that you want to call off the wedding night because you are so afraid of having a child. For me the real fear if I had PCOS would be infertility issues. And I should know since I have been infertile myself for 2,5 years.

I also think you sound like a great guy, not many men wait these days.

God bless you and your soon to be wife

Amber (who is also on the naprotechnology program)


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