Abusive relationships


#1

Hi
I don’t know if anyone remembers me. I used to post under the name Anna’s Mom.
well, if you don’t here goes…
My husband is absolutely messed up. he lies, cheats, steals, does drugs. ect ect… He only let me go to work or take care of his mother. he did not work. I worked 2 jobs and soley cared for our child. He took all of the money that I made. If I didn’t give him my pay, he became enraged. I continued to live this way because I loved him and thought he would go back to normal.
Finally he became violent towards me. this has been going on since the birth of our daugheter in may of 2005. we had been together since 2000. Our relationship had had it ups and down before, but not like this! He became violent and I finally moved out one day without notice in july. He became very enraged. I called the police on him on several occassions. he tried to steal my car, the baby and have me arrested by saying I assulted him when I never touched him. Then I didn’t hear from him for a few weeks. I figured he was either in jail or lost interest.
3 days ago he called me saying how much he loves me. he said he changed and wants me to come home. I don’t know what to do, or If I should believe him. He has even lied to me about who his father is!
I don’t want to raise my child without a father. I am also afraid of visitation rights, because of his rage and the activities he does. I thought at least If I stayed with him I could moniter his being with the baby(as little that there was of it. sometimes we didn’t see him for a week at a time) Please help!
I also am afraid of divorce, because I always believed that If you got married, you stay married. I worry how all this will affect my daughter. We also do not have a place to live. currently I am staying with someone, but it is temporary. should I go back to him? :confused: :frowning:


#2

You know, I have worked with a lot of women in your situation and there is no easy answer. Once abuse starts it does not stop, it only gets worse, in 99% of the cases. You need proffessional help. You can educate yourself out of this cycle of self abuse, but you have to be willing to be honest. God Bless you and I will pray for you and your family.


#3

Thanks… I’m really lost here. I don’t know if I really love him or if I love the idea of having a family.

I was supposed to go to a womens group on thursday night, but I didn’t. scared. I don’t want people to see me.

I don’t know how I’m going to support my daughter.

So lonely.


#4

also is it ok to get a divorce?


#5

Yes, it is OK to divorce in this situation and no it would not be a good idea to go back to him. I know it is hard, and that going back might seem like a good solution, especially if he is promises that he has changed. I am in the same boat and have had my husband send me an enormous boquet of roses and emails saying how much he loves me – but in the end when it doesn’t go the way that he expects, he is right back to threatening me. I sort of think when you are dealing with an abuser, nothing short of a sign from God should convince you that they really have changed.

It is still good to forgive him and pray for him, but realize that you really need to make sure that you don’t put yourself in that same place again. I think if you wind up there again, the isolation and abuse will be that much more crushing.

If you need some help, turn to your most trusted friends and family and be upfront and honest about what you have been going through. I would also recommend contacting the National Domestic Violence hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). They can put you in touch with people who can really help you.


#6

thanks.
in my area there is a domestic womens shelter called Hope House. they also offer counseling and other services. someone gave them my name and they actually called ME! I still haven’t gone to group counseling though. Before he actually physically hurt me, I did not think of myself as being abused. Sometimes I’m still not so sure. He used to tell me that I made him act the way that he did. now he says he doesn’t know why he treated me that way.
so confused.


#7

That is the thing with abuse, you feel like you are the one losing your mind and you wonder if it really is all your fault. I think if you have any type of counseling being offered to you, go for it. I have been getting individual counseling for the last 4 or 5 months and it has helped me to understand soooo much better.


#8

there is a wait list for individual counseling, so I can only attend group if I want it asap. I can’t afford it on my own so…

I miss my husband. I’m only 29 and we have been together most of my adult life, so I can’t see myself without him. I guess I am without him huh?

I’m really afraid that I can’t do this on my own.


#9

I know that the loneliness can be almost unbearable, but don’t give in. Group counseling would probably be good for this reason.

You are afraid that you can’t do this on your own, but you will be amazed at how much you can do if you just start DOING it.

I’m heading off to bed, but just want you to know that you and your daughter are in my prayers.


#10

4Tomorrow:

Stay strong! Your husband is a liar who will do whatever it takes to have whatever he wants, even if it’s immoral or illegal. Your husband is a very dangerous man. Your abusive relationship is your husband’s “drug of choice.” By leaving him, you have deprived him of a perverted sort of high: that is, the feelings of immense power and superiority that comes with from putting someone down by physical or emotional abuse. Since you are the only way he can feel these things, he must have you around in order to survive. He feeds off of your fear and vulnerability. Abusing you has become his sick way to escape from the demons, so to speak, in his own soul. He will tell whatever lies he can in order to get you back into his sick life.

Do not feed his sick addiction by being anywhere near him. You would be better off being married to a snake, and of course no one would want that for you either. Keep telling yourself this: this man is no more capable of telling the truth than the devil is.I know this sounds extreme, but you cannot allow yourself to be taken in by his lies. He will do whatever it takes to get you back under his control.

4tomorrow, as a mother, you know that this is already affecting your baby girl. Is this the life you want for her? Because if you don’t get out of this, she will grow up to believe that violent marriages are the norm and will find herself a man just like her father. How frightening. And, you have a moral and a legal responsibility to keep her safe. By moving back into the house with your husband, I believe you are risking your daughter’s emotional and physical safety every moment that you are there.

Don’t forget, he is incapable of telling the truth. Leave him now. You have seen over the past few years that this violent behavior won’t change without a profound conversion, which takes a lot of work on his part. But he doesn’t want to change and guess what? He doesn’t want you to change either, but he knows it’s happening. And he’s scared. Very scared. Expect the lies to intensify or the violence to escalate as he becomes more desperate. Expect threats about your ability to care for your baby. Expect the worst so that you will be prepared. You may even be face to face with the authorities, since your husband may use your daughter to get back at you. Now would be a good time to make certain that your baby is current on all of her shots and doctor’s appointments. Go to a public clinic if necessary. Keep a log of everything that transpires from here out. It will help you come to grips with the changes that you are making, which are changes for such good things.

Can Hope House direct you to an attorney so you can start the legal process as soon as possible? Though it is hard to accept that this marriage has failed, it’s better than winding up injured, in a hospital with Child Protective Services taking your precious baby because they may determine that Anna is in a dangerous environment in her own home. Once this dangerous man is out of your life, things will get better, the fog of confusion will lift as you gain control over your own life and feelings and you will realize how sick this man is. Keep praying, stay close to the sacraments. God bless you.


#11

[SIGN]Do not go back!!![/SIGN]

You were already raising your child without a father before you left him. He is a monster, not a father. You are perfectly right to protect your daughter from him. It’s better for her to be away from that.

I have seen what effects abusive dads have on kids years and years and years down the line when they are teens and adults. I have seen this in my students and in my extended family. It’s better for her to have a safe childhood with no dad than to have one who is abusive. Kids with abusive parents in the home are so much more likely to suffer from mental/emotional issues later in life (anxiety, depression, eating disorders, drug abuse, suicidal behavior, etc), and are more likely to choose abusive partners later in life. It’s ugly.

Go to the shelter, go to their counseling sessions, get an attorney, and get that bum out of your life so you can make your daughter’s environment healthier.


#12

it is just that before, when I was in our home I could moniter my husband around our child. Now that I have left he says he wants the baby even though he had nothing to do with her before. He only wants to use her to hurt me emotionally.

I’m really afraid. I don’t see how I can possibly support myself and my child on our income. We were not making ends meet before either. I was very scarily behind in our bills.

I have started my first semester back at school, so I can better our futures. However, I just don’t know how to make ends meet now.

I have qualified for state paid daycare assistance and food stamps. I only have to pay a small portion of childcare when I am at work. Then I have to pay the full amount when I am in school. The waiting list for low income housing is very long. Over a year! What will I do for a year??? I don’t want the govenments help forever, that is why I’m going to school.


#13

Do you not have any family that could help you, that you could stay with?

The domestic violence group that you spoke with should be able to get you some legal help with regards to a restraining order and possible supervised visitation. Has you husband demonstrated abusive behavior towards your daughter, or just you? Does he have any type of an addiction that you are concerned about?

Does your husband work? Have you looked into child support and spousal support? I was very surprised to find out how much this was.


#14

I have retained a lawyer and filed for divorce. A month ago I was moving around on a fog. It just seems so real now. I’m also worried about God and getting a divorce.

My husband does not work. he hasn’t worked in two years. He does manage to get money for himself through questionable activities. he also steals money from his mother, who lives on social security. My lawyer said that he will still have to pay child support, since he is a healthy male capable of working. I know I will be granted a judgement in favor of child support however, I do not feel he will actually pay it. I’m sure he will end up going to jail for failure to pay, and of course since there is no job, there is no paycheck it can be garnished from.

The lawyer says I cannot deny my husband from seeing our daughter. However I am glad that everytime he says he wants to see her, and he makes arrangements to do so, he does not show up. He is just saying he wants to see her so he can tell everyone what a good father he is. (yeah right) I have also been told that he has pretended to have phone conversations with me in front of other people. Why? who knows. His thinking has become very twisted.


#15

Well, if he isn’t working, I don’t really see how going back to him would help you out financially. I have found that my grocery budget is now half of what it was when my husband was with us. I also don’t have all of his impulse purchases and astronomical American Express bills to deal with anymore. Maybe you will find that being in control of your money will help you to make it go a little bit farther.

After going over income and expense and asset and debt paperwork with my attorney, he said that once I get a “real” job I will be in a better financial picture than I was when I was married. I just have to go back to school to get my teaching certificate.

I know what you mean about being in a fog. I’ve been there myself, but once you start actually doing all of the things that seem so hard and so impossible, you will feel so much better. I am about 1 month from my final divorce and am in a much better place than I was 5 months ago. Each month it gets a little bit better. Try out that group counseling, find a support group, or join a Bible study at your church. You are going to need this kind of emotional support for the days when your resolve is feeling a little bit “mushy”.

Also, please don’t worry about God and your divorce. The Church does allow for separation of spouses when it is for their emtional or physical well being and it also allows for divorce in these situations to protect yourself financially and legally. Please do talk to your priest for reassurance about this.


#16

I don’t actually have a priest. I don’t have anyone. It has been so long since I have had any friends I don’t know how to make any. I’m sorry to be so full of self pity, but I can’t help it. I am so lonely. day in and day out all I have is my daughter. She is so wonderful however, I desperately need someone else in my life. Even at work, I sit by myself at lunch and on breaks.

I don’t feel like I belong anywhere.


#17

Do you go to church? Are you Catholic?

You mentioned somewhere above that you have been in this relationship your entire adult life. Abusers tend to use isolation as a way of maintaining control. It is not surprising that you are finding yourself alone. I know I didn’t really get to know my neighbors until I kicked my husband out. I never really tried because I always felt embarassed about the things he would yell about me in our house. I was afraid the neighbors heard them. Well, now I have gone out and met them, and they are very nice and very supportive. It’s a whole new world out there.

With all that you have been through, chances are that your self esteem is suffering. You should know though that you are a brave woman. You are taking your life back, and that is great.

Be a little bit daring. Talk to people that you have never talked to. Give them the chance to get to know you. Get involved in something…You can do this!


#18

it is so hard for me. I guess I’m pretty shy. Haven’t been to church in awhile. I was going for a bit last year, but then my husband found out. He didn’t want Anna going to a catholic church, and I couldn’t go anywhere without her except to work so…

feeling especially down today…

think about my husband and how hard I tried. I did everything he asked. I wanted so bad to be a family. It husts so much that we didn’t matter enough to him.


#19

Isn’t it wonderful that you don’t have to walk on eggshells now? Isn’t it great that you can finally be yourself, and not feel terrible that you are not perfect?

I know how hard you tried, really harder than you should have. In reality though, no matter if you had somehow found it in you to try even harder, it really wouldn’t have mattered. You can’t please the unpleasable.

Why don’t you try sitting down and doing a complete examination of your conscience. Write out a little list, and go to confession? Maybe even call up your parish and schedule a face to face one. Let your priest know all that you’ve been through and have a little counseling as part of the deal? I guarantee you will feel a whole lot better, and with all that grace, you might even be up for tackling some of the new challenges that you will be facing. I really recommend it. It’s great for new beginnings.


#20

thanks for all your advice.

I am so scared. most days I just want to hide away. It is really hard to get out of bed. (especially at 5:30 am)

by the way… The process server can’t find my husband to serve him divorce papers. He is pretty good at hiding. Sometimes I couldn’t find him for a week at a time, and I know where to look.


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