Hello. So in the past, I have posted about this problem I have, with the blasphemous thoughts that keep popping into my head simply because I try to keep them away and therefore focus too much on them.
These are completely accidental and I try my very best to get rid of them.
Yesterday I went to confession. I confessed these thoughts, mentioning that it was not on purpose. I have gotten better at keeping them away, mostly by the act of not totally attempting to (just quickly shifting away rather than reprimanding myself or focusing on their gravity).
Today at mass, I planned to receive communion for the first time in years. I had not committed any mortal sin since confession yesterday, except that the thoughts still plagued me, especially because I was worrying about them. I spent a lot of time during mass trying to deliberate over whether or not to receive communion. Although I knew that I was in a state of grace because these thoughts were not on purpose, it is difficult to really convince oneself of that.
At the very last minute I got in line and received for the first time in 7 years. It was the most amazing spiritual experience I have ever encountered, and after receiving it was like every thought just melted away - new strength with Christ. But I still had trouble really convincing myself that i was in a state of grace.
I kept going back and forth during mass beforehand. “I’m not required to receive today, better safe than sorry”. “But you’re in a state of grace, you are safe, not sorry”. “What if I’m not in a state of grace? I haven’t been trying as hard to not think these thoughts”. “That’s because it’s the only way to keep them away. You’re being scrupulous”. “This is The Most Blessed Sacrament, maybe a little bit of better safe than sorry is required here” “This is faith, not physics, if it’s not your fault then you are not responsible” “How can I be certain it’s not my fault?” “Even if it does happen to be your fault, you are clearly not aware of it, so even if you are not in a state of grace you can’t be held responsible for receiving within it because you are not aware of it”. “Are you sure it works that way? Maybe you should wait another week, go to confession again”. “I will, but I am in a state of grace now, so I should receive now”. “Yes, but are you SURE”. “YES” “well I’m not”
I know I’m probably being scrupulous, I have a tendency to do that. I just really need some reassurance that I made the right decision in receiving.