Accusations and Trials


#1

Ok, I will have to apologize for two reasons. First, this post is very long. Second, this post is all about me and a situation I am in.

About a month ago I posted the below thread in the Prayer forum asking for prayers because of an extremely unfair Human Resources situation where I work that has to do with excuses being made to withold official credentials for the work I do everyday: forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=288702

I had blamed my former boss for this situation, since she’s in HR. I had been really praying about the situation, and prayed a rosary about 2 weeks ago specifically for my current boss to see for himself the way I was being treated, and how unfair it was. I prayed that God would reveal this to him because I felt I could not compromise my integrity by speaking negatively about anyone at work. I was very confident God would hear this prayer because my boss is very open about being a Christian. He is a Protestant, and my impression of him is that he is a godly, sincere person.

Immediately, the very next day a woman I work with who also is a Protestant Christian, and who is actually a pastor, held this meeting where I very clearly felt unfairly attacked and wrongly accused on a project we were working on. I was very upset by this. I am still upset by this, and my reason for being upset is that I thought I had good working relationships with everyone.

So, my boss told me the very specific things I was being accused of, and I knew they were untrue so I documented them. I then had a meeting with her and another person I work with. Before today, I also thought I had a very good working relationship with him.

I went to them and said, “I care about our working relationship, so I want to show you that I did not do what you said.” I was very surprised that the man said, “I don’t care about your proof, it doesn’t matter”, and all of the sudden the issues became something entirely different. Vague accusations that were not supported by specific examples. Then an accusation that I had looked at someone the wrong way, basically. I explained that my reaction had been misinterpreted. I was shocked when this woman refused to believe my explanation. Basically, she said she knew what I was thinking when I looked at this person this way because the other person thought so, too. Of course neither consulted me, so it was just discussions behind my back.

The more I am accused, the more I try to defend myself. The more I feel hostility from people, the more I try to cooperate and help solve problems. I am honestly at a sincere loss when it comes to the accusations. I go back and look at what happened in black and white and it isn’t there, but when I point that out the issue gets changed.

My cooperativeness and desire to have good relationships with them seems to make things worse, not better. It’s as if they have decided I am the scapegoat for everything, they get to gossip about me and wrongly accuse me, and if I try to smile and befriend them and please them, then it enrages them.

But these aren’t bad people. I know they aren’t bad people. I like them. I can’t understand why they are doing this. I think- what is it about me that I can’t figure out what I am doing wrong so I can fix it?

There are only two explanations for this, and I don’t know which it is, or if it is both. The first is that it is just a sincere misunderstanding and personality conflict, because I am an Introvert and a Thinker and the woman is the opposite. The second is that what is going on is the bad treatment I got in one office has followed me to the new office because of gossip. I have somehow been labelled and branded as “whatever I do it’s wrong”.

Please, if you have a spare moment, pray for me, especially that I figure out what God’s will is in my profession, or if you have any insight, I am feeling very beaten down and defeated.


#2

It’s such a pity that you have be labelled in this way. It is very difficult when people decide what another person is thinking. The thought that crossed my mind when you indicated you’ve tried very hard to be extra pleasant…perhaps the others have felt your anxiousness and have responded to it. People can sometimes sense a lot of effort as being not quite authentic…and while it is genuine on one level, you mean well and desire good relations, trying too hard comes across as contrived to people who are already suspicious of you.

*“The more I am accused, the more I try to defend myself. The more I feel hostility from people, the more I try to cooperate and help solve problems. I am honestly at a sincere loss when it comes to the accusations. I go back and look at what happened in black and white and it isn’t there, but when I point that out the issue gets changed.” *

It’s the Shakespearian “Methinks the [man] doth protest too much”

You’re not relaxed and therefore the folk aren’t comfortable with you. Trying too hard can be alienating and you seem to be indicating that the issue with you isn’t really any longer whether you were guilty or not of haressment…on very slender grounds or I doubt you’d still be there, but it’s become very personal. Your job requires a lot of interaction? I don’t know how much it would help at this stage but unless you’re quietly countering clear untruths, it might be an idea to back off and be fairly quiet, especially with any women around. Don’t try dazzling smiles, chit-chat and eye contact that they can misinterpret, just do your job politely and quietly and move back to your space. That’s all I can think. It may not improve things but it may put less fuel on the fire.
If they ‘don’t like’ you, that’s their problem so long as you can keep your job and maintain you quiet personal self-respect.

And yes, prayer


#3

Speaking to you, I thought of this prayer I wrote when suffering someone’s misunderstanding, and I say it now on behalf of your work colleagues

Judgement of others
Jesus, please alert us when we are tempted to judge other people. Our judgements may be based on another’s opinion, on flimsy evidence or on past observations, without full knowledge of someone’s situation and nature. Even if others appear to blatantly sin, we cannot judge them according to Your vision. Please give us grace to extend impartiality and compassion to all others, friend, foe or stranger.

We cannot know others’ motivations or all the influences affecting them, so we have doubtless misjudged others more frequently than we realise. Give us grace to avoid unkind or scandalous gossip. Enlighten those who see a few incidents or an isolated occurrence or appearance, even from years past, and then presume to make a permanent judgement like “he always does this.” “She always is like that.” “He is that sort of person.” How unjust to judge others in this way! Even if former perceptions happen to be accurate, who can judge that any person has not advanced in wisdom or grace!

If we defend victims of misjudgement, some accusers reconsider their opinion, while others cling to prejudice. Some people believe that their subjective view of people, reality, and events is the only valid one; therefore, we cannot expect them to be open to contrary evidence or testimony. They honestly believe that their judgements are correct. They seem not to be fully responsible for the injustice of their viewpoints.

We cannot judge even these people for perhaps they suffer from personal insecurity or desire for ascendancy over others, due to immaturity or low self-esteem. Their lack of respect and compassion may be hurtful to someone we love or respect, but let us respond with Christian maturity, without besmirching their reputations. Please expand their mental and emotional maturity so that with just and empathetic understanding of others, they—and we—may make reparation for the reputation and welfare of anyone who has been maligned or misjudged.

We trust in Your love to pardon us and to greatly bless anyone we have sinned against by judgement or unkindness. Jesus, help us truly to love our sisters and brothers, whether or not we understand them. October 1999

“Question your friend, he may have done nothing at all, and if he has done something he will not do it again. Question your neighbour, he may have said nothing at all, and if he has, he will not say it again. Question your friend, for slander is very common, do not believe all you hear. A man sometimes makes a slip, without meaning what he says; and which of us has never sinned by speech?” [Ecclesiasticus 1913-17]


#4

Thank you, Trishie. I think you are right. I must be communicating anxiety, because I am anxious. I think the only way to handle it is to try to steer clear of too much interaction. The only problem is that prior to coming to this office I was always criticized for being too “aloof”, or exactly the opposite. I was being accused of not providing people information they needed, but when I pointed out that wasn’t true, the issue changed, and all of the sudden it was my “attitude” based on a phantom “look” I gave someone, and that never happened at all… so you see my sense of panic. Whatever I do, it’s not right…

But I do want to be clear that as of now, anyway, it is not my boss who is saying or doing any of this, it is co-workers.


#5

Beautiful, beautiful prayer!!
Entirely and perfectly appropriate. Thank you.


#6

Angel, I was once in a similar situation, I had proof that I did not do what they were accusing me of but they refused to even consider this documented proof. This is called false witness. It sounds to me like they are ganging up on you for reasons other than what they are telling you. In my situation they were downsizing the organization for financial reasons. They were just making things up to feel better about the need to fire me. They put me through much ostracizing, which was unfounded.

I would suggest you start looking for other employment. Now this may sound harsh and I don’t mean to be, its just that when people start telling you what *you are thinking *they are clearly setting you up for a fall. Nothing you do or say will change this mindset. You cannot control other peoples ignorance. Don’t let this kind of ignorance get to your emotions. It is heartbreaking because you put your heart into your work. I can tell from your post. Sometimes we just need to admit that things are not what they seem and people only pretend to like us. Clearly they have stopped the pretense.

They will never back down or change the perspective they have formulated in their minds toward you. Get a resume together, take matters into your own hands. Our dear Lord has you in the palm of His hands and perhaps wants you to find a better job. When one door closes another will open. Don’t use them as reference. A year from now you will look back at this situation as a learning experience. PM me if you want.

See Psalms 37

I know this is not what you want to hear. I apologize for the frankness of my words.You are praying for a solution to this that restores your work place happiness. I seriously doubt this can happen at this juncture. Spare yourself any further heartbreak over this, life is too short. Move on. God bless you my friend.


#7

Dear Angels Unaware,

I’ve been in your shoes. I even consulted a lawyer about it. And I started a couple of prayer threads this past spring.

Please feel welcome if you ever want to PM me, even if just to say hello.

Meanwhile I’ll pray for you. Sounds to me like you may be in the front lines of a spiritual battle.

St. Michael the Archangel,
defend us in battle.
Be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the Devil.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray,
and do thou,
O Prince of the heavenly hosts,
by the power of God,
thrust into hell Satan,
and all the evil spirits,
who prowl about the world
seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.


#8

Been there too myself, similar situation, and I did loose my job over it all.And I can tell you Rubys advice may seem extreme but it isnt, they may well fire you before it is all over with. Particularly with the present economic situation I would start looking now. Even if you dont beat them to the punch you will actually feel relieved to be out of a situation where it seems to me isnt going to get any better no matter what you do or dont do. . Prayers to you and please dont waste time figuring out what motivates these people or their actions, it won`t make any difference anyway.


#9

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