I am a husband and artist, though recently I have stopped any artistic activity so that i can work in a corporate job and have health insurance for myself and for my wife, as we are rapidly running out of time to have children.
Though I am no saint, i am tempted and fall into temptation by masturbation and pornography sometimes, and I struggle with this as I always have. But I never touched another woman "in real life", as all of this was sinful fantasy. Sinful nonetheless. I know that for me it is a painful addiction and I am seeking help.
But in most areas of my life i believe i am making the sacrifices that a good husband makes... building a home for us, aiding in any way i can her teaching career.
recently we exploded into crisis because, as she is a stage actress and teacher, she had been rehearsing kissing and touching with other male actors and did not communicate this to me even though she knew that it would upset me. When she communicated this to me i became hurt, upset and humiliated and withdrew to be alone. When she again approached me, she taunted me with "so what do you want a divorce now?" This really angered me, because i felt that she was being wanton and disrespectful to me and disregarding my feelings.
when i told her to tell the director to change the script,she began claiming that it was impossible, and when the director told her that I was being abusive in insisting that the not kiss or touch the other actors, she left me. I am responsible for part of this, as i lost my patience with her an began yelling, for which i have apologized, and i am trying to do penance. But never could i strike her or any woman.
It is clear there were miscomunication and trust issues from the start, even though when we were married 4 years ago, she told me that she wanted to marry and have babies, get into teaching, and have a family - all of which i have been working towards.
I feel like i have been making sacrifices in my life, but now she is putting her acting career before our marriage, and listening and obeying and honoring others more than she is me. I have told her that I cannot give these displays of affection and intimacy "even if pretending" my blessing. She responded by calling me a muslim fundamentalist. When we went to counseling the other day for the first time, she she began blaming everyone else in the world for my hurtfulness, my father, my situation in life, etc. But the truth is that all of this came about because she is unwilling to place and respect boundaries in our marriage. she knows how hurtful her actions are to me, but refuses to on the grounds of artistic license. and she demonizes me for having my feelings hurt.
I feel that my wife is not honoring or obeying me by continuing to display affection on stage with other men (yes, and even sometimes woman - in fact she played a lesbian nun - which to me is abominable - like dragging the sacred through mud). She claims that this is her god given talent. to me it desecrates our marriage and the sacred.
while i am praying to God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit to heal my wounds and help me to suffer patiently and stop judging and condemning, i am having a very difficult time in believing that if we had children, that she would stop these shameful displays- she refuses even to stop for me, why should she stop for my children. She seems to be putting her acting career first, and i have made it clear that she is hurting me and risking the peaceful bond i hoped to have in our marriage.
Am I wrong to feel hurt, am I wrong to think that she is letting the secular and vulgar tear apart this marriage?
I am trying to repent and make restitution for my sins, but it seems like she is blind to her faults as well.