Actress wife's infidelity - artist husbands hurt


#1

I am a husband and artist, though recently I have stopped any artistic activity so that i can work in a corporate job and have health insurance for myself and for my wife, as we are rapidly running out of time to have children.

Though I am no saint, i am tempted and fall into temptation by masturbation and pornography sometimes, and I struggle with this as I always have. But I never touched another woman "in real life", as all of this was sinful fantasy. Sinful nonetheless. I know that for me it is a painful addiction and I am seeking help.

But in most areas of my life i believe i am making the sacrifices that a good husband makes... building a home for us, aiding in any way i can her teaching career.
recently we exploded into crisis because, as she is a stage actress and teacher, she had been rehearsing kissing and touching with other male actors and did not communicate this to me even though she knew that it would upset me. When she communicated this to me i became hurt, upset and humiliated and withdrew to be alone. When she again approached me, she taunted me with "so what do you want a divorce now?" This really angered me, because i felt that she was being wanton and disrespectful to me and disregarding my feelings.
when i told her to tell the director to change the script,she began claiming that it was impossible, and when the director told her that I was being abusive in insisting that the not kiss or touch the other actors, she left me. I am responsible for part of this, as i lost my patience with her an began yelling, for which i have apologized, and i am trying to do penance. But never could i strike her or any woman.
It is clear there were miscomunication and trust issues from the start, even though when we were married 4 years ago, she told me that she wanted to marry and have babies, get into teaching, and have a family - all of which i have been working towards.
I feel like i have been making sacrifices in my life, but now she is putting her acting career before our marriage, and listening and obeying and honoring others more than she is me. I have told her that I cannot give these displays of affection and intimacy "even if pretending" my blessing. She responded by calling me a muslim fundamentalist. When we went to counseling the other day for the first time, she she began blaming everyone else in the world for my hurtfulness, my father, my situation in life, etc. But the truth is that all of this came about because she is unwilling to place and respect boundaries in our marriage. she knows how hurtful her actions are to me, but refuses to on the grounds of artistic license. and she demonizes me for having my feelings hurt.
I feel that my wife is not honoring or obeying me by continuing to display affection on stage with other men (yes, and even sometimes woman - in fact she played a lesbian nun - which to me is abominable - like dragging the sacred through mud). She claims that this is her god given talent. to me it desecrates our marriage and the sacred.

while i am praying to God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit to heal my wounds and help me to suffer patiently and stop judging and condemning, i am having a very difficult time in believing that if we had children, that she would stop these shameful displays- she refuses even to stop for me, why should she stop for my children. She seems to be putting her acting career first, and i have made it clear that she is hurting me and risking the peaceful bond i hoped to have in our marriage.

Am I wrong to feel hurt, am I wrong to think that she is letting the secular and vulgar tear apart this marriage?
I am trying to repent and make restitution for my sins, but it seems like she is blind to her faults as well.


#2

You are both comitting some pretty deep sin. Her for kissing other guys, you for your porn addiction. May you both find the help you need through penance, prayer, and counseling. This is not said out of judgement none of us is perfect - the only perfect person died on the Cross and He was the Lord. When arguing you either need to stick to the issue at hand or go to seperate corners. The sacrifices you have made are not chips to be called in either- they are part of the marriage vocation. God bless you and good luck. How was your pre-marital counseling - were these issues discussed. Were you married in the Church. Is your wife Catholic. Are you both attending mass.


#3

If she is one of the famous people of hollywood then I can tell you right now, shes probably around this sort of thing all the time. I know you don't like it. Try talking to other men who have actress wives. They'll probably tell you how to cope with it. I don't think its right to be kissing other men or doing sex scenes if you're married, even though its a movie, it seems wrong to me. But if thats what she wants to do, then.... try to be supportive and help her through this.


#4

I’m praying for you, her, and your marriage.

You say you have given up all artistic activity.

Why?

Sure, an artist’s lifestyle isn’t conducive to a settled income - but that’s the lifestyle, not the art. You may not have the time to promote your art to the galleries, but you can still create.

If (speaking for myself only) I were in your situation, I would be tempted in two ways. I could be a martyr: “I gave up my Art for our family, but you can’t even give up the small part of yours that involves necking??” Or I could be the Pharisee in Lk 18:10-14, pridefully rejoicing at how much holier I am than my spouse (and all those other inferior people). I struggle with that pharisee-like pride, every day. Oh God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

And if I myself were in her place, I would react to either of those attitudes with rebellion. “You’re trying to tell me how to be holy, when you can’t even give up your nasty habits? Yeah, right.”

Make some time for yourself, both for prayer and meditation, and for art.
I always found my art to be meditative and contemplative. It also takes me out of my troubles.

Praying for both of you,

me, a sinner


#5

[quote="artistmodel, post:1, topic:217250"]
I am a husband and artist, though recently I have stopped any artistic activity so that i can work in a corporate job and have health insurance for myself and for my wife, as we are rapidly running out of time to have children.

Though I am no saint, i am tempted and fall into temptation by masturbation and pornography sometimes, and I struggle with this as I always have. But I never touched another woman "in real life", as all of this was sinful fantasy. Sinful nonetheless. I know that for me it is a painful addiction and I am seeking help.

But in most areas of my life i believe i am making the sacrifices that a good husband makes... building a home for us, aiding in any way i can her teaching career.
recently we exploded into crisis because, as she is a stage actress and teacher, she had been rehearsing kissing and touching with other male actors and did not communicate this to me even though she knew that it would upset me. When she communicated this to me i became hurt, upset and humiliated and withdrew to be alone. When she again approached me, she taunted me with "so what do you want a divorce now?" This really angered me, because i felt that she was being wanton and disrespectful to me and disregarding my feelings.
when i told her to tell the director to change the script,she began claiming that it was impossible, and when the director told her that I was being abusive in insisting that the not kiss or touch the other actors, she left me. I am responsible for part of this, as i lost my patience with her an began yelling, for which i have apologized, and i am trying to do penance. But never could i strike her or any woman.
It is clear there were miscomunication and trust issues from the start, even though when we were married 4 years ago, she told me that she wanted to marry and have babies, get into teaching, and have a family - all of which i have been working towards.
I feel like i have been making sacrifices in my life, but now she is putting her acting career before our marriage, and listening and obeying and honoring others more than she is me. I have told her that I cannot give these displays of affection and intimacy "even if pretending" my blessing. She responded by calling me a muslim fundamentalist. When we went to counseling the other day for the first time, she she began blaming everyone else in the world for my hurtfulness, my father, my situation in life, etc. But the truth is that all of this came about because she is unwilling to place and respect boundaries in our marriage. she knows how hurtful her actions are to me, but refuses to on the grounds of artistic license. and she demonizes me for having my feelings hurt.
I feel that my wife is not honoring or obeying me by continuing to display affection on stage with other men (yes, and even sometimes woman - in fact she played a lesbian nun - which to me is abominable - like dragging the sacred through mud). She claims that this is her god given talent. to me it desecrates our marriage and the sacred.

while i am praying to God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit to heal my wounds and help me to suffer patiently and stop judging and condemning, i am having a very difficult time in believing that if we had children, that she would stop these shameful displays- she refuses even to stop for me, why should she stop for my children. She seems to be putting her acting career first, and i have made it clear that she is hurting me and risking the peaceful bond i hoped to have in our marriage.

Am I wrong to feel hurt, am I wrong to think that she is letting the secular and vulgar tear apart this marriage?
I am trying to repent and make restitution for my sins, but it seems like she is blind to her faults as well.

[/quote]

Not to be flip about your situation, but her calling you a muslim fundamentalist is ridiculous. If you were, you'd have just killed her and called it an "honor killing." Or gathered your friends to stone her to death.

I do wish you'd have discussed this subject before you got married - "Do you feel OK with me kissing other men or pretending to have sex with them on camera? How much nudity will you be comfortable with? etc. evidently you have 2 different mindsets about this or if she wants to be moral, she wants fame and money even more.

I don't have any wisdom to offer you, but no matter what she does or doesn't do, you need to get away from the porn and masturbation, for yourself and your relationship with God.


#6

This seems like the classic example of the pot calling the kettle black. Artistmodel, you seem to think your sin is lesser than hers because you never actually touched another woman sexually. However, I find it very harsh that you accuse your wife of infidelity. I actually thought, based on your title, that your wife had actually gone and had intercourse with another man. I can understand you being upset by your wife kissing another man, and “touching” is very vague but if you are referring to simulated intercourse I can see why that would upset you too.

Now, it seems that your wife could in turn accuse you of infidelity, indeed many woman equate a man indulging in pornography to be cheating. Do you? If I got married to an actor, I’d actually be less jealous over his kissing another woman while acting, than if he were to spend time masturbating with porn. As a woman, I think it’s very possible that your wife is not being aroused at all by her acting, that she sees it as just business. That doesn’t make it ok, of course, just as a prostitute who’s not aroused while having paid sex is still sinning. However, if she is not seeking out these acting roles with some hidden motivation to arouse herself, then I can see her thinking you are a hypocrite, since in your case you are deliberately arousing yourself and “getting off”, while she is not.

I’ve read that one reason Marilyn Monroe and Joe DiMaggio got divorced was due to Joe D’s extreme jealousy, especially about her exposing parts of herself to men in the context of her acting. Now, maybe Marilyn was sinning here. But Joe D was also sinning, since his jealousy resulted in him actually physically abusing his wife, and I don’t think anything justified that. Now, I’m not saying you’re abusing your wife. But you really seem to be upset that she is “listening and obeying and honoring” others more than you, you speak of not “giving your blessing” to her activities, as if you are her father, not her husband. I am not Catholic myself but I understand that in Catholic wedding vows, a wife does not vow to obey her husband. Indeed, you seem almost as, or even more, angered by her “infidelity” in following someone else’s orders, than by her physical contacts with other men.

Which really makes me wonder what your marriage has been like so far. Did you expect your marriage to be the kind of relationship where you tell your wife to jump and the only question she asks is “how high”? Are you more angry that she “cheated”, or that she “disobeyed”? Your answer may indicate that you have more to repent for than just lust, porn, and masturbation. Have you really loved your wife in the way Christ loves the Church?


#7

You clearly brought up the subject of your own sins because your discussions with your spouse involve deciding whose sin is worse. She tries to justify her actions based upon them being better or no worse than yours. That is a fools argument. Only God can judge the sinner. We can only say that both of you are wrong.

Regarding the morality of acting, one can act out a sin on stage if it is only pretend. For example, murder is a sin. On stage I use a fake gun and kill someone. No sin was committed. It wasn't a real gun and no one was hurt. On the other hand, one cannot pretend to violate the second commandment. Also, if she is to play an effective lesbian or fornicator, it is hard to imagine the role being effective without inappropriate touching.


#8

Blessings in the name of our Lord and Savior, Jesus the Christ ! Who is faithful to complete the work HE has begun in you UNTIL the day of completion :)

Keep pressing into Jesus and do not get discouraged.....Your help and hope is in Jesus alone. Only by the power of the HOLY SPIRIT can your situation turn around. I have seen it happen over and over again. You are not alone...

Thank you for sharing your struggles with us and I hope the answers you received helped you look alittle deeper into what is 'really going on' in your heart. This is truly not about your wife.

I just want to encourage you to look into your own 'issues' with women before you try to change your wife. Jesus said, "he that has never sinned, cast the first stone". This is not about 'her duty' to 'obey' you, or her acting career (right now). A wife can only obey her husband, if her husband is laying down his life for her first (like Christ layed down his life). This is bigger than leaving your artistic career for a family. Look deeply into this truth and keep asking Holy Spirit to reveal what this means....."Laying down your life, as Christ layed His life down for the Church". When you understand this deeply, in your heart, you will see things change in your marriage. Read I Corinthians 13 and the beatitudes (get a comentary to go deeper into the meaning of these passages).

Have you ever read "Theology of the body-beginners guide"??? It is so good and may help you understand more about your God given design in being a man and a husband.
You can get this book at any Catholic book store.

Porn and masturbation addiction is often rooted in anger towards women. Get alone with God and ask God if this is true in your case. Ask Holy Spirit to give you a mental picture (remembrance) of any time you felt over powered, abused, or controled by a woman. It is very possible that down deep in your soul you have unforgiveness towards a woman (mom, etc). Even bitterness. If a memory comes up in your heart, talk to God about it, let yourself feel the pain, anger, etc. and pour it out on the cross of Jesus....and then by an act of faith, forgive her/extend mercy towards her for hurting your heart. This forgiveness is for your heart alone. It does not get her off the hook for her possible sin against you. This is for your heart to be set free to love your wife well.

After you have forgiven her in your heart, cancel the debt you may feel she owes you (i.e apology, etc). She can not repay you. Then bless her and wish Gods best for her. Then ask God to reveal His Fathers/Mothers Heart towards you. Ask Him to give you a picture in your mind of how He sees you. Holy imagination (pictures) is the language of the heart. Let God reveal Himself to you in pictures. Close your eyes and wait for God to fill you heart with HIS LOVE. Only His love can break addictions. You may need to repeatedly forgive different women, or the same woman over and over again. That is o.k. forgiveness can be like layers of an onion being peeled. It's all part of the process of getting healing, deep in our souls. Some of us have many, many deep wounds for others sin against us. It can take time. Joy does come in the morning !!!

If you don't have any memories of a women over powering you, etc. Ask God what the root is to your addiction. It could be your father introduced you to porn, or there is another reason. Addiction come from LOVE DEFECITS in our hearts. You can be free...totally free from any addiction. The blood of Jesus is enough to break any stronghold of thought or addiction. His love and mercy is our only hope of restoration.

I shared alot I know.....Being that I minister 'inner healing' for years as a lay counselor, I have seen so many hearts healed and restored.

God is for you and there is nothing you can do, to separate His love towards you. His mercy can never be exhausted. It is a never ending fountain of living waters.

Your on your road to healing, deliverance and restoration. Keep up the good work of pressing into the lover of your soul....JESUS...

Get in the word of God (gospels,etc) and meditate on passages and let it wash you. It is alive and living. Put yourself in the stories and ask Jesus lots of questions (what was that like for you, when you saw, or heard or experienced......) What did you feel? Let me feel your feelings, draw me closer to your heart Jesus..... HE Jesus longs to reveal Himself to you. His spirit lives inside you if you have repented of sin, made Jesus savior and Lord and been baptized. He can't get any closer to you than He is right now, inside of you. That means you can know His thougths, and feelings. How exciting is that ???

Bless you my brother


#9

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