This might be a long post, but I’ll try to compress as much as I can.
Background: I have been in a long distance relationship for about 8 months with a woman who is very compatible with me in so many ways. She is sweet, loving, and is a calm presence in my life, but our differences in sexual morality are causing a strain. See, she was baptized Catholic at 8, but it was a decision her parents left up to her. She wasn’t brought up taught about the faith and received no other sacraments. So, it’s understandable she’d have a very secular view on sexual ethics.
We have talked about it, because we’re getting closer and it’s unavoidable. So these issues definitely need to be sorted out. I have told her that I don’t want to do certain things that would be sinful in the context of dating and even in marriage if it happened. It makes me sad because it seems like all I do is say, “I can’t do this, I can’t do that” and she, to her credit, has been flexible while I can’t really make compromises.
Lately, things have been going south. When I explain my faith, my beliefs, I hurt her because I get so defensive. I don’t want to do that. I love her, but I still want to be true to my faith. How can I find a balance in the way I present my views? Because of all the objections I raise, I fear that she thinks I am not attracted to her, which couldn’t be further from the truth.
So here’s the thing. I am working on an email to tell her my thoughts on some pretty important issues like sex before marriage, contraception, etc. Yes, I know it’s only been 8 months, but I think it’s best to address marriage issues right now instead of later. I have a feeling contraception is going to be the biggest issue, as she seems pretty set in stone that she would only ever use the pill (she takes it for irregular periods right now).
Now, I am under the understanding that it’s okay to have relations and use the pill for therapeutic reasons in marriage AS LONG as the intent is not contraceptive (correct me if I’m wrong). But sadly, even if she didn’t need the pill for her symptoms, I’m sure she’d still use it as contraception. In this email, I am trying to tell her of the health concerns of using the pill and trying to paint natural family planning in a positive light.
But well, since she does have irregular periods, I understand NFP would be more difficult. And if we wanted to have sex while choosing to avoid pregnancy using NFP, we’d likely not have many days in which we could, which I know is something she really doesn’t like.
Ok, now to the point of this post. How can I be as charitable as possible in presenting these views? Has anyone gone through a similar situation? Any advice? I know that I can’t change her mind. It would take an act of God in her heart. I really do love her, and while I don’t want to break up, it may have to happen. But first, I just want her to know where I stand in a loving way.