Adoption: Abstinence a must?


#1

I’ve been thinking about my future. If I plan to get married and adopt children instead of conceiving them, is that wrong in any way. Also, would I have to practice abstinence with my wife forever? This is a critical decision but I do not have a very clear answer. Any comments or responses would be greatly appreciated.


#2

Why don’t you ask Dr. Ray Guarendi? He has 10, all adopted- although he’s liable to tell you it’s none of your business what he and his wife do in the privacy of their home:

http://www.drray.com/

You are making a problem where there is none. People who are married but one of the parties of the marriage is sterile still participate in the marital embrace, without sin.


#3

[quote=OutinChgoburbs] People who are married but one of the parties of the marriage is sterile still participate in the marital embrace, without sin.
[/quote]

I’m referring to a situation when neither spouse is sterile.


#4

[quote=swimstud]I’m referring to a situation when neither spouse is sterile.
[/quote]

A marriage is not valid unless it is consummated.


#5

[quote=swimstud]I’ve been thinking about my future. If I plan to get married and adopt children instead of conceiving them, is that wrong in any way. Also, would I have to practice abstinence with my wife forever? This is a critical decision but I do not have a very clear answer. Any comments or responses would be greatly appreciated.
[/quote]

you may not marry with the intent to avoid the good of marriage, which is children, and you may not engage in the marriage act while using any artificial contraceptive device, medication or practice, if that is what you are asking. If there is a valid reason why your wife should not get pregnant, you would practice continual or periodic abstinence (NFP) and there are hundreds of threads on this topic with great links to sources of help and support. This decision would be made in consultation with your priest. Just not sure why you would not bring this up with the priest during your marriage preparation rather than bringing strangers into the decision.


#6

What if your wife “plans” on conceiving? What if she doesn’t at first, but 5 years after being married suddenly wants to conceive?

Sounds like you want to be a priest. Marry the Church, adopt lots of children - like a whole parish full, and never conceive your own. Attaboy!

Oh, yes you’ll have to remain chaste and celebate, but don’t worry in a few short decades, you’ll pass on to your eternal rewards in which case God has something better in store for you.


#7

[quote=swimstud]I’ve been thinking about my future. If I plan to get married and adopt children instead of conceiving them, is that wrong in any way. Also, would I have to practice abstinence with my wife forever? This is a critical decision but I do not have a very clear answer. Any comments or responses would be greatly appreciated.
[/quote]

Please study the purpose and end of marriage and the Sacramental purpose of marriage. We as married persons are called to life-giving love through the pro-creation and raising of children.

Adopting children is a great act of charity, and can be a part of our marriage-- either in addition to biological children or as an act of love for those couples who cannot conceive naturally.

However, it is not a replacement for the primary end of marriage. This is something you should definitely discuss with a priest or spiritual advisor.

The root question is why you would not have children of your own. If you go into a marriage with a permanent intention against children this could be an impediment to an invalid marriage. So, I ask you WHY do you have this idea about entering a marriage and not having children???


#8

Yup, you’ve not provided enough info to make a decision.

If you have anxieties about having to wake up and go get ice cream for your pregnant wife, if you just can’t stand the thought of having a wife with stretch marks, or other similar selfish things you certainly have a problem.

If you have some sort of genetic defect that is likely to be inherited, that’s a tough one. I’d probably seek out a priest whom I trusted to be faithful to catholic teaching on that one. Possibly a Legionary of Christ if they are active in your area.


#9

Maybe I’m a bit dim (I am blonde :stuck_out_tongue: ), but…why not adopt a few and see if God gives you natural children too? Why ‘just’ adopt…I know plenty of people who have a few children of their own AND a few adopted…What’s the problem? Again, from such a short, sketchy message it’s hard to tell ‘why’ you don’t want your wife-to-be to fall pregnant, if this may be God’s Plan…

Anna x


#10

[quote=swimstud]If I plan to get married and adopt children instead of conceiving them, is that wrong in any way.
[/quote]

CCC

1652 “By its very nature the institution of marriage and married love** is ordered to the procreation** and education of the offspring and it is in them that it finds its crowning glory.” 162

Children are the supreme gift of marriage and contribute greatly to the good of the parents themselves. God himself said: “It is not good that man should be alone,” and “from the beginning [he] made them male and female”; wishing to associate them in a special way in his own creative work, God blessed man and woman with the words: “Be fruitful and multiply.” Hence, true married love and the whole structure of family life which results from it, without diminishment of the other ends of marriage, are directed to disposing the spouses to cooperate valiantly with the love of the Creator and Savior, who through them will increase and enrich his family from day to day. 163
[left]You are very blessed to have an open heart to follow God’s will in your life. A thought like this does not come from God. When I realize in my own life that I have been taken in by one of satan’s traps (lies), I find it important to find out why. This can only be done by prayer. God is diffently moving in your life.

May God :blessyou: [/left]

[left]
[/left]


#11

[quote=swimstud]I’ve been thinking about my future. If I plan to get married and adopt children instead of conceiving them, is that wrong in any way. Also, would I have to practice abstinence with my wife forever? This is a critical decision but I do not have a very clear answer. Any comments or responses would be greatly appreciated.
[/quote]

Interesting choice of screen name given the subject matter of your post–Freudian slip, perhaps?


#12

Let me clear a few thing up for everyone. I now understand that I must remain abstinent because contraceptives are not allowed. I am not planning on getting married anytime soon. I just barely graduated from high school. Let me answer this question then reform my question.
I was thinking of the many children out there that do not have parents, not just the babies but the older children and teens as well. If I planed to get married and my future spouse also shares in my desire to adopt without having our own biological children, would this be wrong? I would also be open to having children if my wife later wanted to have children.


#13

[quote=swimstud]If I planed to get married and my future spouse also shares in my desire to adopt without having our own biological children, would this be wrong? .
[/quote]

Essentially, yes…for all the above reasons but with a few extra brownie points for the charity shown toward adoption.

You have to be open to life and procreation. To construct the situation you describe you would deliberatly have to decide to avoid pregnancy indefinatly.


#14

What Anna said, me too.

You have to consumate the marriage, or there is no marriage. You have to be open to life or you are living a lie.

I think it is noble of you to want to adopt, but if you are married, you have to do what’s necessary or you are in sin.

Something tells me you will not have the problem you describe when the right young lady comes along. :thumbsup:


#15

[quote=swimstud]Let me clear a few thing up for everyone. I now understand that I must remain abstinent because contraceptives are not allowed. .
[/quote]

Not exactly. You would be able to use natural family planning (NFP) to space your children. It has a 99% success rate.

As another poster said, once you find the right young woman you will probably find that it all works out. After you have a few of your own, you might add some children by adoption. But there are a lot of ramifications to that scenario, which you can’t even discuss with your future wife as you haven’t met her yet.

Your desire to help children is very admirable. Have you considered becoming a Big Brother to a fatherless boy?


#16

What’s the matter with doing both? We are adopting but are still trying to conceive also. Having children through adoption and birth worked for St. Thomas More! (and lots of other folks who haven’t yet attained St. titles)


#17

[quote=swimstud]Let me clear a few thing up for everyone. I . . .I was thinking of the many children out there that do not have parents, not just the babies but the older children and teens as well. If I planed to get married and my future spouse also shares in my desire to adopt without having our own biological children, would this be wrong? I would also be open to having children if my wife later wanted to have children.
[/quote]

no of course it would not be wrong, it would be a good thing, but at the same time you cannot do anything that interferes with the procreation of your own children. You can choose to practice NFP if otherwise there is a compelling reason to avoid pregnancy, but also having adoptive children would not by itself be a compelling reason.


#18

I think as the OP is in highschool and hasn’t met his future-wife yet, it’s all a bit ‘hypothetical’ anyway, I think he just wanted to have a clearer picture of where the Church stands on this…but he may find that when hypothesis turns into reality, it’ll all theories will slot into place quite naturally.

Anna x


#19

[quote=1ke]Adopting children is a great act of charity,
[/quote]

Dont adopt as a “form of charity” to me the word “charity” should never be associated with adoption.

“gee i am feeling charitable today i think i will go adopt some child”

Charity is something you do to help someone out and feel good about knowing you helped that person out, ADOPTION is about ging a child a home,love,and a life.those are not acts of charity,
to me an adopted child is absolutly no different than a "natural child"
they are humans,all need heavy amounts of love and care.
to assume an adopted child is for “charity” is an absolute insult to every child that has ever been adopted, they are so much more than a charity case…

OK i vented sorry i picked your post to do it on as i seen others post same things but your was the first one up…
and for the record i am not adopted,nor do i currently yet have any adopted children.but if i am ever finacially able to adopt they will be as far as i am concerned MY CHILDREN and will be treated no differently as my own “flesh and blood” Ask my fiances children
they are also treated as my own.:slight_smile:

                          John


                                           John

#20

[quote=anna1978]I think as the OP is in highschool and hasn’t met his future-wife yet, it’s all a bit ‘hypothetical’ anyway, I think he just wanted to have a clearer picture of where the Church stands on this…but he may find that when hypothesis turns into reality, it’ll all theories will slot into place quite naturally.

Anna x
[/quote]

You are probably right:)

To add my two cents, if the OP feels very strongly about this issue (and continues to feel as strongly about it into adulthood) would there be anything morally wrong with seeking out an infertile woman who would be willing to adopt? Seems like a perfect match to me. Of course, I would advise following God’s will above all else so you need to pray over what He is really calling you to do.

Malia


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