Adoption Nightmare!


I am 33, my wife is 29.

My consultant told me I will never have a child, not even with IVF.
The adoption process here is a nightmare, not only does it last years but they treat you like absolute dirt, I got in trouble with the police for a very minor offence when I was 18 and they go on and on about it, also as I have an illness they think I wouldn’t be able to cope with a child aswell.

What are they thinking, I don’t have an illness that confines me to a bed, to look at me or talk to me you would never know, most people don’t know but it is all on my shoulders, my wife is in perfect health, I work with ex prisoners that push out children one after the other and constantly complain about their children.

Imagine the worst job interview lasting for 8 hours every few weeks.

I think we will remain childless.



Have you considered foster care? My daughter works with many people who have adopted through the foster care program.


Are you in the US?


No England, this is one thing that makes us bad, especially when you see same sex couples get approved.


Have you looked into adopting from another country? I know a couple from church who have two adopted boys. One from Cambodia, and the other from China. I’ve also heard to people adopting from Russia.


I’m sorry you are going through this. I will pray for you.


I am sorry you and your wife are having infertility issues. However, IVF is never a moral option. It is a sin against the Sixth Commandment.

I am sorry that the social services system is not treating you with dignity and compassion. Not knowing your situation, we really cannot comment on whether or not their concerns are justified or overly cautious.

Remember, though, that whether or not you have a child in your marriage does not define you as a couple or as children of God. Your marriage is still a vocation to minister in the world. If not as parents, then in othe ways. Remember what the Catechism has to say regarding children:

2378 A child is not something owed to one, but is a gift. The “supreme gift of marriage” is a human person. A child may not be considered a piece of property, an idea to which an alleged “right to a child” would lead. In this area, only the child possesses genuine rights: the right “to be the fruit of the specific act of the conjugal love of his parents,” and “the right to be respected as a person from the moment of his conception.”

2379 The Gospel shows that physical sterility is not an absolute evil. Spouses who still suffer from infertility after exhausting legitimate medical procedures should unite themselves with the Lord’s Cross, the source of all spiritual fecundity. They can give expression to their generosity by adopting abandoned children or performing demanding services for others.

Do not let childlessness consume you and make you bitter.



I’m sorry your experience is such a difficult one. Have you tried looking into other programs or facilities? My suggestion would be to explore other avenues if at all possible. It’s understandable to want to just give up out of sheer frustration and exhaustion, just remember what a blessing you will be giving to a child by giving them a family. Keep you chin up.


What exactly was the diagnosis? I’ve never heard of a fertility specialist telling people under 35 conception is impossible.


I don’t have any particular advice for you, Smoked…but will keep you and your wife in my prayers. :gopray:


I have looked into other countries, Russia and Romania but you have to spend a lot of money (practically buy the child it seems) and Poland where my wife is from but we would have to live there instead.

I have total pituitary failure, I cannot produce sperm myself or any other hormone, the drugs they give me is a substitute for the real thing but the sperm comes out dead.

I have had many tests even at the top fertility clinics in England but is futile.


I had heard that overseas adoptions can be expensive. There’s the usual paperwork to be done, flying to and from the country, plus whatever else that particular country expects of prospective adoption parents. I’ve even heard that sometimes at least one parent has to stay there for an extended amount of time to spend time with the child and waiting for the paper work to go through. I remember reading a couple of stories about that stuff, but can’t remember exactly what. The couple I know from church, I hardly ever see them, but I’ve never asked about the cost. I hadn’t thought about it.

Well, whatever the outcome, I pray for peace for you and your wife.


I’m so sorry. Have you heard of Dr.Hilgers?

Also, domestic adoption seems a bit easier in the US than in England. I know people who’ve been placed with an infant within a year. Would it be possible for you to try it here?


Your wife could become pregnant with another man’s sperm. This sort of thing is done all the time, through a fertility clinic. No sex is involved, of course, except to produce the sperm, by masturbation. The clinic chooses a suitable male donor, someone who looks like you, with a similar ethnic background, and no known genetic diseases. Your wife carries and delivers the child. The donation is totally anonymous; the donor will never know you or your child.* You *are the father. Single women do this in order to conceive, if they have no prospects of marrying.

However, assuming that this is true, can you adopt a girl from China? In the US, this single group has been among the most successful of adoptions. I think, at last count, there were a thousand of these in Manhattan alone–more now, probably.

I was talking to a doctor I knew about these, and how successfully they had worked out, and he replied: “Yes, I know. My chief resident at the Brigham was one of them”. The Brigham is one of the most prestigious hospitals in Boston, run by Harvard and Mass General Hospital.

In the US, there are a lot of older children up for adoption. I know of a young, extremely talented and bright, happily married couple of two charming people–who have elected to adopt two older sibs, rather than have their own bright talented children. These adopted children have to be some of the luckiest kids on the planet.


As you know, this is a Catholic board, the OP is Catholic. What you suggest is gravely immoral, it is a sin.


This ought to be good. :popcorn:


I was outlining the medical possibilities, including adoption, which, the last I checked, was not a sin.

It is for the OP to decide what to do, once he knows the facts. He was not asking us what and what is not—a sin in the eyes of the RCC.


Hi Smoked Salmon
im sorry for your predicament.It is indeed a wonderful gift to have a baby and be parents, however, painful as this may sound it is not a right.As catholics we would not use another
persons sperm to produce a child.However you can talk to your priest about what type of medical intervention may be admissable.If no medical intervention is permissable then however long/difficult the road fostering/adoption is the road to follow.
I speak as a foster parent myself for the past 6yrs.
As you would expect there is a vetting process for the protection of the child.This is entirely necessary as im sure you understand considering only recently children have been in the media about being abused and dying while under social services care.
If you were a child yourself you would want to know that if you were placed somewhere that the parents had been police checked and regularly so.
My husband and i are police and medically checked every couple of months and we are entirely happy about this for the sake of the child/children placed with us.

Having a misdomeanour when younger will go against you but not that much it will purely just be there for the record.Medically speaking it is important children are placed with parents who are going to be around for a while.Some emotionally damaged children who go through the system could not cope very well if they were placed with a family then a couple of years down the line one parent dies! Social services are not perfect by a long way but they have a vital job to do to ensure the safety of the child first and foremost and prospective foster/adoptive parents feelings come secondary.Im hoping you want to become a parent for the sake and good of the child which is so rewarding.Im sorry you will have to wait a while in the UK but it will happen if you are honest and patient.
Trust in the Lord ,we dont know his plan for you and your wife.If it is His will it will happen.We can all serve the Lord in many different ways.It may not be the way we imagined but it will be important.Pray to God for guidance and i will keep you in my prayers
God bless you and your wife


It’s a shame because I worked for a long time within children, autistic children and have great references, do they care, no and my wife is a teacher of 7-12 years olds, do they care, no.

I understand the vetting process, I even have references for working with children in Kosovo in 2000 and Estonia in 2001 but they still go on and on about my slight brush with the law, at 18 I never got in trouble since, I changed jobs, changed friends, went to college showing the world that I had no interest in crime but they don’t care about that.

In my group they just placed a child with a couple (38-48) who are nudists and they said this was fine, he has his own business and has never been in trouble or been ill.

Everything is topsy-turvey.

And they take weeks to answer you and have used all my days off work in the last six months to see them.

It is so frustrating, I understand they have to trim the bad ones and trim the ones who are half hearted but we have passed these hurdles.



Hang on in there im sure social services will come up trumps in the end and finally finish vetting you both.I will keep you both in my prayers.Keep on praying to the Lord for what His plan is for you and your wife.Talk to your priest about adoption possibly through catholic agencies he may be able to find out information for you.In the mean time pray to the Lord trust in Him.You are both in my prayers
God bless

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