Adulterous Sister-In-Law & My Children-Need Advice QUICK!


#1

Over the past couple of years, my SIL has been having an affair with her best friend's husband. He has separated from his wife and children. My children (13 & 10) were used by my SIL to create situations for them to be together and my children even witnessed inappropriate physical behavior before he left his wife (our families were acquaintences.) We have spent the last year trying to regain the trust of our children because they thought we knew about the affair and were a party to it. (We didn't!) We've also learned that my SIL had "rendevous" with him at our home while we were away.
My husband's family is coming into town and wants to include my SIL's "boyfriend" (can he be called that if he's still married?) in our gatherings. My children have said they don't want to attend anything if he's there.
My SIL's "boyfriend" left a message yesterday telling us that he'd like to be included in activities but won't attend if we don't want him to. My husband is stuck in the middle because he wants to have a relationship with his family, but wants to model our Catholic values for our children and respect their feelings. How can we do both without putting our children in the middle?
I suggested my husband hang out with his family, but not our children. I don't think he even needs to give a reason, he just needs to show up alone and they'll get the message. (BTW, when we confronted my SIL re: the affair, we told her that she couldn't be alone with our children until she got back on track. We offerred to have a relationship with her, but she said, "No!" My husband's family has been told by my SIL that we don't want to have anything to do with her, which is totally not true. Since then, two of his family members have been in town and not made an attempt to contact my husband. He is extremely hurt.)
HELP!


#2

sorry your kids come first, and your own intact family, and if as you say you are still trying to heal the damage your children suffered through this multiple layer of mortal sin, you owe it to your children to explain the situation in that way. You don’t tell your kids, Aunt Suzy has sinned, but you will explain, since they are old enough to understand the distinction, that these behaviors are mortally sinful, and that making another person a party to a sin, even if they are unwilling, is an additional sin. You remind them only God can judge Suzy and Mr. Jerk, but your duty is to teach them about right and wrong. In no way shape or form should either of these two people be allowed within 20 miles of a family gathering. To put your husband on the spot simply compounds their deceit and lack of charity. Your husband should not consider for 30 seconds the possibility of ignoring the feelings of your children at this instance.

Yes your husband is hurt, he is feeling the pain caused by two exceedingly insensitive (most charitably word I can find) people, as are your children. Teaching opportunity in dealing with pain and suffering caused by the actions of others. They made a deliberate choice to disrupt two families, and expect everyone else to suffer except them. You show them no love or charity by giving any blessing or acceptance to their actions.


#3

No way, no how. I think that's that's pretty easy concerning your children.


#4

I agree 100% with puzzleannie. Protecting your immediate family from the poisonous relationship with SIL/boyfriend comes before anything else. If you want any credibility in reestablishing trust with your children, I certainly would not allow SIL near them. It is best if you and your husband are a united front on this. You can’t force your husband to cut off contact from his sister, but I think its wise to insist that she not be in the presence of your home and children (especially since she used them and used your home for her sick affair).

I’m really sorry your husband is caught in the middle of this and suffering the effects of his sister’s terrible choices, but he has to protect his children above all else. Prayers for you!


#5

I agree wholeheartedly with the previous posters!

If your kids are having trouble with trust right now, because they thought you guys were in on the lying, I would make it CRYSTAL CLEAR that you in no way validate a deceitful relationship. That means, no family gatherings with SIL and her friend. Use this as a teaching opportunity for your kids, about God’s love and forgiveness, and about what we are responsible for upholding on His earth!


#6

Sounds like the kids have a higher and better moral sense than the adults in this family.


#7

I agree with the previous posters. Give your children the dignity and respect that they were denied by your sil. One doesn't have to have a lot of religious inclinations to know that this is wrong..I know when I was a teenager someone in my family had a couple of affairs with married men and I thought it was selfish rotten thing to do to another family and one of the families I was friends with the man's daughter. I lost an awful lot of respect for that person. And I wasn't following any type of faith..it's just in us I guess.

I would be angry about how they used the children for this-Oh man would I let them all have it... make no bones about it..but that may be my own issues talking.


#8

An affair with her best friends husband??!!! OMG! :eek:

I would not trust her around my kids either. Selfish is an understatement.

You have to put your kids first.

Here is a sad bit of my life. My husband left my son and I 6 years ago when my son was 11. MY SISTER, my own SISTER pretended to want to have my son over to play one day.
But, she really wanted my son to meet the girlfriend of the week my HUSBAND had(it had only been a couple weeks since he left).
My son was so upset he went after the woman that was ruining his family. Tried to choke her, crying..ect. I found out later that day when he came home.

I havent spoken to my sister since. My son now 17 cant stand her and never wants anything to do with her again.
Kids definately see morality in black and white.. we (adults) tend not to want to hurt feelings.

Nobody will put your children first like you will. You owe it to them to let them see morality. This world has enough sins on display, it is your job to see it isnt right... or they will grow up thinking it isnt that big of a deal.

Plus, this relationship will not last. Something that starts out so wrong and ugly.. is bound to fail. Why put your kids in the middle of it.


#9

I’m puzzled why it’s taking a whole year to rebuild trust with your kids. I don’t have the very best relationship with some of my teens, but I do know one thing. All I’d have to do was tell them “I had no idea this was going on and I condemn it and I’m furious with them for involving you kids as “beards” behind my back. And I want nothing further to do with it or them” for it to sink in that I was deceived too and was NOT one of the untrustworthy adults in this.

I don’t often advocate information sharing but in this case I’d make a big exception. Since the lying adulterous scumbag couple that used children as opportunities for trysts and scandalized children and your own home :eek: insists on being included in family gatherings and has lied about you and involved you in this mess, disturbing your relationships with the family, I really believe you have a right to share with your family members your reasons for not wanting to be involved with this couple.

Time for your husband to stop playing the victim and the guy in the middle. He was put there by his sister. She is a horrible person. (Cheating with her best friend’s husband? Some best friend! Using her brother’s home to conduct an affair behind his back? Gross!)

It is up to him to notify his family why he is making the decisions he is making. Something tells me this ****** couple won’t last 20 years and BF’s desire to fit into a new family will be short-lived, seeing as he doesn’t know how to treat his own family very well. He and your SIL have nothing to build on… they are both equally untrustworthy and full of unmitigated gall. Now that they’re free to be out in the open, they are going to go on the attack against everyone who doesn’t praise their relationship, even those who remember when they were sneaking around and betraying people.

It would be a shame if this temporary couple got your husband estranged from his family, but his family needs to be warned what this couple does around children and the advantage they take. They’ll be sure to try something like that again, seeing as how they got away with it before.

As I said, I don’t normally advocate playing town crier and revealing the sins of others, but since your SIL has started her own information campaign that is designed to make your husband look bad, you have a right to defend your choices and your own position in this matter. Your kids come first and they really don’t need to be around Aunt and Uncle Scumbag after what has happened.


#10

Pray for her and do like the father did in the story of the prodigal son - pray from a distance. Let her wallow with the pigs as long as she wants. Welcome her with open arms when she returns to the Faith.


#11

I'm puzzled why it's taking a whole year to rebuild trust with your kids. I don't have the very best relationship with some of my teens, but I do know one thing. All I'd have to do was tell them "I had no idea this was going on and I condemn it and I'm furious with them for involving you kids as "beards" behind my back. And I want nothing further to do with it or them" for it to sink in that I was deceived too and was NOT one of the untrustworthy adults in this.

Kids trust can take a long time to earn back, especally if they're anything more than wee ones. A general rule of thumb with kids (or anyone) is that it will take atleast twice as long as ongoing event went on to heal from it. If this even went on for two years, it can take four years before they are really confident in their parents. It was also very hard on them that they were used and couldn't go to their parents becuase they thought they were participating. Yes, the parents were decieved, too, and can say that to a child, but the child has been through MUCH more (by the years of inapropriateness they witness) than the parents in this scenerio.

SIL is no longer family. She gave up your family when she broke her marriage. You have every right to tell her you'd be uncomfortable. SIL is still the mother of your nieces and newphews but she has no right to bring BF.

On a side note. I have an aunt who married into the family had four kids and then who left the family and made bad decisions continually. She's still not a part of the family, by her choice and continual bad decisions. However my cousins half siblings are always welcomed with open arms whenever my cousin brings them along.


#12

It would appear that if you expose your children to your SIS and her boyfriend you will be eroding the trust your have been endeavoring to rebuild. You SIS betrayed you and your husband by using your chidren to advance her affair. i would not let you children have any contact with them when they are together.


#13

The Bible says that we will suffer for our beliefs. Clearly that's what's happening in your family, and it's okay. What a wonderful lesson for your children to learn, that you will not expose them to people who betray their vows or misuse someone's trust. It will teach them what to do when people behave like that in the future.

It's heartbreaking for your husband that he is estranged from his family. I agree that some explanation to them is acceptable, although I assume they already know the relevant details but don't want to "judge" the sister.

The boyfriend has opened the door for communication and it might be worthwhile for your husband to speak to him and explain the situation very frankly. The points to make: "you used our children, you abused our trust, you exposed our children to immoral behavior, if we act as if nothing happened, we will be sending the wrong message to our children. If you and SIL had acknowledged and repented, it would be different. But that's not what's happened. I appreciate your reaching out, but what you did was wrong in so many ways. I can't in good conscience have a relationship with you or sister."

This may be an opportunity to share your faith with him, to explain why marriage is sacred, why relations outside of marriage is wrong. God loves us so much, and to act in direct opposition to what He teaches is truly offensive. I mourn when I see others sin because I know how much it offends God.

Finally, pray for them both. Maybe ask your children to pray for them as well. Explain that God expects us to pray for the conversion of others. It may be a way for them to see the situation in a different light - not so that you can socialize with them, but so that they can develop pity for these souls who are so far from God.


#14

Thank you all for your support. My hubby's family is coming over to discuss the situation. I will definitely use some of the points made by the posters. My kids pray for my SIL in their morning and evening prayers. It's such a sad situation for them, but it has given us many teachable moments.
Thank you again.


#15

[quote="Suzq2, post:14, topic:181568"]
Thank you all for your support. My hubby's family is coming over to discuss the situation. I will definitely use some of the points made by the posters. My kids pray for my SIL in their morning and evening prayers. It's such a sad situation for them, but it has given us many teachable moments.
Thank you again.

[/quote]

when this discussion takes place don't forget to point out that your children were made party to and forced to witness this adult sexual behavior, which in and of itself is an offense, without any other misbehavior, in fact it might even be illegal depending on the circs.


#16

Since the lying adulterous scumbag couple that used children as opportunities for trysts and scandalized children and your own home insists on being included in family gatherings and has lied about you and involved you in this mess, disturbing your relationships with the family, I really believe you have a right to share with your family members your reasons for not wanting to be involved with this couple.

Time for your husband to stop playing the victim and the guy in the middle. He was put there by his sister. She is a horrible person. (Cheating with her best friend’s husband? Some best friend! Using her brother’s home to conduct an affair behind his back? Gross!)

It is up to him to notify his family why he is making the decisions he is making. Something tells me this ****** couple won’t last 20 years and BF’s desire to fit into a new family will be short-lived, seeing as he doesn’t know how to treat his own family very well. He and your SIL have nothing to build on… they are both equally untrustworthy and full of unmitigated gall. Now that they’re free to be out in the open, they are going to go on the attack against everyone who doesn’t praise their relationship, even those who remember when they were sneaking around and betraying people.

yup.

when this discussion takes place don’t forget to point out that your children were made party to and forced to witness this adult sexual behavior, which in and of itself is an offense, without any other misbehavior, in fact it might even be illegal depending on the circs.

yup. this too.

if the family discussion is bent on ways to get you and hubby to sell out your kids for the greater (and falser) peace, don’t do it. not for nothing. don’t do it.


#17

Well, my hubby met with his other siblings and it was as the previous poster said, they were just trying to get my sweet husband to sell his kids up the river in order to keep the peace. My husband said no way but, in the process opened one of his siblings' eyes as to what is really going on in my SIL's life. Bottom line is that my SIL (and his mom and two of the sisters) chose to have the married man at the family gatherings and our family didn't attend. (Parents are divorced, Dad lives out of state and wasn't there.) My husband is such a champion for our family and our children! Our daughter thanked him several times for standing up for her and for doing what's right. My hubby still has it in his mind to make his case to the remaining lost siblings and his parents, but I think he should just move on. I'll support him in whatever way he needs me to. I just don't have faith that they would go against their lying, manipulating sister. Their mantra is "Love the sinner, hate the sin." If I hear that one more time . . .!


#18

Dont take this the wrong way…but I think your SIL’s life is none of your business her decisions are not yours, her sins are definitely not yours, nor your children’s nor your hubbys, UNFORTUNATELY when she involved the children then it became your business and what she did is not right at all!!! I don’t understand how some people can live with themselves knowing they are doing something inappropriate infront of the children? To use them and for the children to know that person is all ready married yet here they are two grown adults misbehaving infront of children is just wrong!!! Unacceptable!!! Iam not judging but it is still wrong to use children like that you kow?!

He’s still married, plans to divorce? Well if he’s Catholic I hope he knows he has to go through the tribunal to see if his marriage qualifies as invalid if it does then they are free to date if not he will be committing adultery all his life and so will your SIL! it’s not our place to judge and I am not judging I am just stating facts…you know?! And I hope your SIL knows this as well, I feel sorry for her if she doesn’t…

Another thing, your SIL is trying to win everyone’s affection, sympathy and attention…She’s looking for a scape goat and because the whole family doesn’t know the entire story behind how she used the children, well there you go…you will always be looked upon as the instigator, believe me I know the feeling! Of how in the world you could be willing to separate the family?! UGH! I am telling you some people…All they look for is their own escape and being the innocent victim and you the judging family divider!

I also feel sorry for your hubby it hurts when family is misled and then turns on you…Believe me i know the feeling!!!

But right now what’s important is your children!! No one else! Your children don’t need to be in that kind of environment and they don’t need to be with people whom used them for their own inappropriate behaviours! It’s not right to do that to kids…gets them confused and not feeling right you know!? Makes them want to question what’s right and wrong and just a big ol’ mess and guess who’s stuck cleaning it all up! YOU!!! Exactly! Does anyone else care? Nope! So the best thing is to keep a distance…wish them all well, and hey if SIL’s “boyfriend” gets divorced and properly annulled marriage, then girl let by gones be by gones, just explain to the children that we must forgive and forget, move on and they are able to be with aunt again, and her boyfriend… Let your hubby deal with his family…As hurt as he is, believe me I can understand him, he must be the one to deal with them not you…Nor your children…

Let him talk to his family and spend time with them and even if they don’t listen to him, you know the truth and so does he and just keep on going you know?! If they don’t want to spend time with him nor you that’s their choice no one elses…

That’s like my future inlaws, whom stopped speaking with us and practically disowned their son since what oct, last year because i apologized??! OK! Well anyhow I was called an instigator and that I was trying to divide the family?! Because I apologized for sending fiance’s gift to their house?!???! YUP! So believe me, there will always be something that someone will not like about you in the family and will use whatever little excuse they can to make you be the bad one!

The only thing you can do is just move on…Wish them well, bless them and continue with your life…and PRAY for them!!!

When my kids asked me why we weren’t going over to “nana’s” house anymore, I explained to them that they were extremely busy and that maybe someday when they weren’t we would go over…Kept them satisfied…You don’t have to tell them why their father’s family is acting a certain way just you know be as honest as possible and yeah when someone doesn’t want you around they are usually too busy for ya! :wink: So Just hang in there…I am sure things will clear up soon…If your hubby can talk to them and explain why without hurting SIL I am sure they will understand and be ok with you and the children’s reaction…Besides it’s normal for you to protect your children, and it’s normal for you to not want to be involved in such misbehaving!! When people want something they don’t care whom they go through as long as they get it…That’s how you get to see their true colors…So just do what you feel you need to do best…

When my best friend started dating a married man I stopped speaking with her, I loved her like my sister, and I would tell her the honest truth about her behavior…and how even if that marriage was in turmoil how she was making those 3 children fatherless just because she felt like it as if there were no other elligible men out there for her literally lining up for her, she was young 24 and gorgeous why did she have to do that? She didn’t care, we stopped talking…He divorced his wife, we started talking again, they weren’t married through the church so it was like ok, then she slipped and told me how miserable she was with her new hubby, and how he mistreated her, I hated to be the barerer of reminder news but you know I had advised against it she didn’t care to listen…I was there for her but I was not really feeling any sadness for her or sorrow for her because I had told her all the things his wife had said about him and the reasons why she and he were separated but again she wouldn’t listen… After a while of him beating her, her sister and taking their children away from her she stopped talking to me because she saw that the only one whom could help her was her…you know!? She made her choice separated from everyone for that man and at the same time separated her family for moving in with him without marriage after she had been married through the church with a great man…


#19

That’s life for you, you know?! I was always trying to be there for her, as a true friend, true friends talk to each other in all honesty wether we like to hear it or not…I hear my friend’s honesty when needed and even if it hurts I deal with it you know?! But the point is that your SIL’s choices are not yours and right now your kids are important not her…Not to sound rude but your children’s peace of mind is more important than the “what will they think” scene!

I will keep you and your family and your hubbys family and in our prayers! GOD BLESS!


#20

Just remember when dealing with someone of that kind of moral depravity - it could just as easily have been your husband she made a run for!!!


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