Adultery, adultery, adultery! Help!

People. I have committed adultery for over a year and a half now. I have repented so many times. Visited confession in all probability approx 50 times.

I told my wife about it after approx 3 months. We are still together. She thinks i dont see this lady anymore but i do!

We have been married approx 22 years now and have a 10yr old.

Our marriage has been on a very slippery slope for about 11yrs or more. The wife has always been cold to me and i am not on about just sex! No. I am on about a loving relationship. I have tried over the years but nothing. No love or feelings there.

We both decided that divorce was going to happen and unfortunately i had an affair!

The wife and i have said many many times that we are only together because of our kid. No other reason. Seems like nothing can change her mind.

So, why am i telling you all this?

Well, i have carried on the affair…sought confession…affair…confession…with the same lady from the start. I go a month or 2 and then we get together again and sex!

I always hate myself afterwards, and even before as i know what i am doing!

I am at my wits end people. I am a big sinner. I have betrayed my wife, kid and God! I try to stay away from this other lady but i get tempted back, again and again because of my lustful thoughts.

My priest has told me to not contact the lady but it is so hard as (a) she loves me massively (b) I am living in a dead end marriage.

I have talked to my wife many times seeing if we could start again but its always no! Never. What do i do?

I have prayed and prayed but i still sin.

The lust eats me up inside as i really want to sleep with this other woman on occasions and i know it is wrong!!!

I pray to God asking for help every day. I do attend mass as much as possible. I only take communion when i have been absolved.

As i said, i am not having sex with this woman every week! Its once a month or even 2! Even once is once too much i know! I get a strong urge to be with her. Yes, she gives me what my wife has said she could never do. My wife hates me but she has been ‘out of love’ of me for years! She has admitted she will never get it back, ever!

How do i stop?

How do i stop the urges, the filth, the adultery?

People, i know i am evil and in the wrong. I know. I want to be pure. Sin free. The devil is winning over me and i dont know where to turn!!!

You need to cut all contact with this woman, now. Listen to your Priest.

It doesn’t matter that your wife is cold towards you. It doesn’t matter what temptations you have. It doesn’t matter that you have sex “only once or twice” a month. Your actions are down to you and you alone. If you want to stop, stop. It is up to you.

Try and encourage your wife to get marriage counselling with you, and have a meeting with your Priest. Stop pitying yourself and do something about it.

Think of your child. Would you like to imagine them growing up being cold to their spouse, or thinking it is an acceptable way to be treated? Would you like for them to think adultery is acceptable, as long as the other party knows and you confess it? Your actions and your marriage will shape your child’s future family. You have a duty to your child to get them the best example possible.

How do you stop? Make a decision. Mean it. Keep to it.


This may sound harsh but you are acting like you have no control over yourself. Every time you cheat, you are making a conscious decision to do so. Make better decisions.

If you confess, you are forgiven but that doesn’t give you the right to go and do it again. Obviously you must repent which means to turn you back on your sin.

I feel bad for you and the situation you are in with your wife but as long as there is a third person in your marriage there is no way to repair it.

Pray for your wife and for your child and for your marriage and for strength to resist temptation. Put your attention where it belongs - in your own life and your own home.

I would seek additional counseling from a licensed therapist in addition to the spiritual counsel you are receiving in confession. A licensed therapist could help you figure out early triggers and alternative means of coping, as well as offer techniques to help you better communicate with your wife.

As a college student, this could be way out of my depth, but I’ll respond anyway.

Like Lou2U said, I recommend cutting contact with this lady. Beforehand, tell her that you are going to try and stay faithful to your wife and the Church(or something along those lines) and that you can’t contact her anymore. Then cut contact. Try and get rid of any way you could contact this lady(because if you don’t, you most likely will give in again) and focus your attention on your family. It’ll be hard, I guarantee that. But we all need to carry our crosses, no matter how tempting it is to let them go or how hard it is to carry them. You are no different.

Like the other posters have said, break all contact with her and follow the advice from your priest.

Contact her once last time and tell her you cannot see her anymore.

I don’t know how you contact each other but you might want to try this:

  1. Block then delete her phone number.
  2. Block then delete her email address.
  3. Do not go to places that she frequents.
  4. If you see her in a public place, do not approach her but turn and leave.

Besides confession, pray, pray, pray. Ask God for the grace and strength to resist your temptation.

I hope and pray you do the right thing.

God Bless

Just stop… like my advice is, just stop. This isn’t weakness, if you think it is it is mental denial. You are just being selfish and doing whatever you want. Stop or don’t, be good or be bad… chose and deal with it.

Not even. The right action for this kind of situation is cold turkey.

Agreed! The more you drag it out, the more painful it’ll be to cut the cord. :frowning:

I don’t have any concrete suggestions for the OP, but I’ll keep you in my prayers. :slight_smile:


Do not see this woman again, and do not allow her to see you again.

Hmm, you sound exactly like a poster that got banned. He posted the same story as this. First he said it was about his sister. Then later he said he was doing the same thing. He justified everything his sister did, then tried to get all of us to think that cheating on his wife was somehow not his fault.

He was from The UK, teabag. And just like you, he liked to say “people” to us, and he also used many exclamation points to show us how excited he was!!! It’s amazing how alike you are. Maybe you can find his old posts and read them to see what people said! It sure would save a lot of time!!!

No. You need to tell her.

I’m not condoning the affair but strong emotions are involved. We can not help whom we love but we can help what we do about acting on those impulses. The OP should tell her why he can’t see her, cut off the ties as was previously suggested, and go back to his wife. The other person needs to hear it for no other reason than she knows what has happened and will not call his home to find out if he is dead or not.

The OP needs to get into marriage counseling. Sorry you are having an affair. Your wife appears to be having some problems if she isn’t willing to work on this marriage.

In addition to the above great advice, would you and your wife consider attending a Retrouvaille retreat? They are Catholic retreats intended to help repair troubled marriages.
God bless you and don’t give up.

Thanks for the posts.

Yes, i am aiming to stop this once and for all. I just need the courage to do this. Its not as easy as you may think. I know the wife and i are going to separate in a few years as she told me this is going to happen 100%. If that is the case then i would rather give my life to God. To serve God.

I would definitely have to tell this other lady as i couldn’t just disappear as that would be unfair on her as she would deserve to know. I wouldn’t want her to think that there was a future for us as there is not.

Any other advice i take willingly.

Closed pending review by forum moderator Zelie Louis

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