Adultery and forgiveness

I have a situation and I would like some input. For the past 5 months I have been in a relationships with another woman. Obviously, I am married hence the title. The problem is I am in love with both women. Now, I know I will get plenty of comments saying that it isn’t possible to love 2 people but I am here to tell you that it is indeed very possible. I say that because the 2 women I love give me different people to love. So, one of my questions is what do I do? The “other woman” knows I’m married and except that fact and my love for my wife. My wife obviously does not know. I know if I’m sincere God will forgive me and I have been told that God’s forgiveness is the only one’s that matters. But, I don’t want to hurt either woman and in fact I don’t want either relationship to end. I’m truly conflicted. I would love some guidance or opinions.

Dear Ted: You may indeed be ‘in love’ with two women.

The problem is that you married one woman. You made a vow to remain faithful to that one woman. You are betraying her with another woman. You need to stop. And as for ‘forgiveness’, despite rumors to the contrary, God asks you not just to be sorry, but to, um, STOP SINNING. If you are sorry for cheating on your poor wife, and stop sinning with the other woman, and go to confession, then indeed you will be forgiven. But not before.

two words: Stop sinning.

Problem solved.

The one, only, correct answer is that you end the illicit relationship with the other woman. Period. There is no “guidance” or “opinions” out of that.

For as long as you persist, you endanger your soul and the soul of the other woman. What you feel is irrelevant. And God won’t forgive you if you have no intention to end it. You cannot be forgiven for something you do not intend to stop.

End it. Now.

The relationship with the woman who is not your wife must end. Doing the right thing and what’s best for both people does not always mean you can avoid hurting feelings. The other woman may be hurt, and in cutting her off entirely (which you must do) will hurt more but it is best for both of you. Feelings should also not be your primary guide (not that they can’t help). God gave us reason. Love is also not a feeling, but an action of the will, and until you correct yourself, whatever love you may feel is severely undermined by what you’re actually doing and intending.

You must also see a priest as soon as possible and confess. I would schedule an appointment, or at least go to a confession time that will not be busy (in other words, don’t try to go fifteen minutes before mass starts). Your priest should advise how you should handle this with your wife and what is necessary on that end.

But you must completely terminate your relationship with the other woman, and for both your sakes I don’t even recommend insisting on waiting to do it in person.

Yes, this and what other posters have said.

You made a promise to your wife and to God. You are breaking that promise.

5 months eh … ? You sure it’s not infatuation? I’d make a case that your mistress does not love you. How could she if she knows your married and you love your wife? Doesn’t sound good. This all sounds like infatuation at best, something else at worse. You need to look at this closer.

I agree with the other posters about what your next move should be. The longer you put it off the harder it will be to end it without more hurt.

This will be harsh, but:

What do you do? You stop having your cake and eating it.

You made a commitment to your wife, a commitment of loyalty and fidelity. You need to honour it, as she has been doing to you. The way you are behaving towards her is not love. You are breaking her trust. You are deceiving her, disrespecting her and you are breaking the vows you made to her. You do not love her in the way she should be loved by her husband.

What is it you hope to be forgiven for? You are not sorry for your actions, and you admit this. You are not sorry for lying to your wife, you are not sorry you are disrespecting her. You even imply that your wife’s feelings do not matter because you say “God’s forgiveness is the only one that matters”. Your wife matters. The vows you made to her matter.



Now, I know I will get plenty of comments saying that it isn’t possible to love 2 people but I am here to tell you that it is indeed very possible. I say that because the 2 women I love give me different people to love.

Here is one comment agreeing with something you said. Yes you can love two women. If anyone truly understands what love is, you can love many, and at the same time. The idea that it is not possible is absolutely false.

As to the rest of your situation, sorry Ted, but I agree with all the other posters. As Ted Koppel once said in a college commencement address, “They are not called the ‘Ten Suggestions.’” The illicit relationship must end for forgiveness from God to be obtained. Sorry, no way around that.

As one of the posters on this site says in the signature, A truth is a truth if nobody believes it, and a lie is a lie even if everyone believes it. That from, I believe, Bishop Sheen.

Man up, do the right thing.


By the way Ted, HECKUVA first post !!!

OP, if you came here thinking someone is going to tell you it is okay, you are mistaken.

I will say what no one else has said: you are selfish.

You claim to love both women. But all you really care about is yourself. You want them both. You don’t want to give up either. You don’t really care how your wife would feel or you would never have begun the relationship 5 months ago. It didn’t “just happen” as people like to say, you made the choice. You don’t care about the other woman either because if you did, you wouldn’t have begun a relationship with her since you are already married. But none of that mattered to you because it was all about you.

Do you have children? I hope not, because if you do, you cheated on them too.

What should you do? Be a real man and end it, now. Hurt cannot be avoided when you do the wrong thing. Then get yourself to Confession. Yes, God forgives, but if you care about His forgiveness, you need to care about His laws. You have made a very serious mistake.

I tell the teens I teach, Just because it feels good, doesn’t mean it is good.
you know what to do.
Prayers for you and all involved.

Go to Confession immediately. Resolve to never do this again. Cut off all contact with the other woman. You do not want to risk ending up in hell and sending the other woman there, too. (In addition to all the other hurt you caused).

Friend, neither Love NOR LUST have any part of the absolute MORAL TRUTH


Your risking you SOUL and your family for sex! :eek:

NOT a prudent choice on either score.

YOU know what is RIGHT or you would hvae posted this on CAF:o


REPENT & Convert

Pray much!


Marriage is a vocation. You aren’t just betraying your wife. You are betraying the vows you made before God. If you truly want to do the right thing, not only do you have to end the relationship with the other woman, but you must also tell your wife. God’s forgiveness comes easy. Forgiveness from your wife is going to be a different matter. But, you need both. Your wife is injured, even if she doesn’t know. She needs to heal.

You, your wife, and your marriage are in my prayers.

I’ll pray for the other woman, too, but those are going to be a different kind of prayer.

hhi ted,

welcome ot CAF

I am sorry but you are wrong about the part where you say you ar in love with two women, you aren’t. this is not love at all. love should not look remotely anything like this. this use and abuse. your wife does not deserve to be treted this way. and neither does the other woman, not just getting half of someone else’s husband. and you are not loving yourself either. you are a child of God, he expects better than this.

I am in no way saying this to be judgmental, I’ve had my fair share of my own darkness as well. do not send your soul to hell over something like this, it’s just so not worth it. Christ came to set us free and paid for ouor lives with his so it’s our responsibility to aim higher than sin

And something no one has mentioned about this “wonderful” other woman - she is a thief. And you are allowing it - you have invited this woman into your life to steal from your wife.

Reach out to, end the relationship with this woman, and go to confession. Once you get over your withdrawal of her (you can expect this, and when it is over you will see that you never truly loved her), you can confess to your wife. It will help immensely if you can show all you have learned about how you allowed this to happen and how you will keep it from happening again. Having a counselor in place who will not sweep it under the rug and will allow your wife time to process the betrayal will also go a long way to help her begin to feel safe again.

You will need to support your wife, but you can recover and get through it. Recovery takes time and many apologies. You can do it.

(We are 9 years post my husband’s affair, have a closer relationship than ever with each other and God, and are expecting our 4th child. Again, you can do this.)

Don’t think anyone’s mentioned it yet, so I will…

You need to get tested for sexually transmitted diseases ASAP, because if this woman you’re having the affair with is carrying an STD, you could pass that onto your wife - if you haven’t already done so.

And some STDs can cause infertility, even death.

It is essential to your wife’s safety that you find this out. If you test positive for something, you will have to tell your wife so she can get tested herself.

Wearing a condom does NOT mean that you will not get an STD, only that you’ve got a reduced chance of getting one. In particular, HPV, which can cause cervical cancer, is spread when there’s contact anywhere from thigh to mid-abdomen - a condom will not work. There is no test for HPV in men - your wife would need to be tested for this directly to see if she has caught it from you.

You think the issue is that you are in love with both women. No, that is not the issue.
You are married to one, and only one of them. She is the one you made vows with. She is the one you are being unfaithful to.

What would Christ say? “Go thy way and sin no more”

It’s that basic. It’s not rocket science

Convert to Islam. They permit polygamy. :slight_smile:

Alternately, declare yourself a fringe Mormon and try to land a guest spot on Sister Wives. :smiley:

Or, you could stop trolling here, repent, return to your wife as Christ commanded, and be faithful to her. :rolleyes:

Or you could try the “Amoris Laetitia Solution”, which is like the mythical land of Atlantis: everyone talks about it, but no one can clearly show you what it is. :stuck_out_tongue:

It’s unmanly men like these who are responsible for the rotten state of what used to be Western Christendom. What kind of an example are you setting for your children? :frowning:

What kind of relationship is it?

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