Adultery - As the victim would you like to know?


#1

This is kind of the opposite of the other poll that was started here asking if an adulterer should confess to their spouse. If you’re the victim of an unfaithful spouse do you want to know?

As for me, yes I’d like to know. It’s happened to me. Unfortunately, I found out the hard way. It wasn’t revealed to me by my spouse, but instead I discovered it on my own.


#2

It is worse if someone else informs you or you find out yourself.If they admit it and are sorry ,it is easier(although never in any easy) to deal with.That is my two cents.God Bless


#3

Certainly. The reason being is the person who cheated could have caught a nasty sexually transmitted disease and spread it to me.


#4

I voted no, but I think I would’ve put depends on if it’s adultery that’s frequent and with a myriad of partners or if it’s a one time deal. Obviously, if it’s a continual thing I would want to know due to diseases and to know the extent of betrayal that I’m dealing with. My dad had several affairs and it totally ruined my parents marriage. I honestly don’t think I could get over such a thing, so if it was once and my husband was repentant and never did it again, I don’t think I’d want to know. I know that sounds weird, but that’s how I feel.

God Bless
Giannawannabe


#5

I voted yes. I wish I had known when it happened instead of later. As much of a blow as it was, it would have been less if HE had told me upfront.


#6

The practical problem underlying telling the wife or telling the hubby is this…

Some people are really, really good liars. Did you ever watch the paternity test shows on Maury Povitch? I’m a guy. To me, the guys on those shows are all transparent, and it is very easy to sniff-out “truth-teller,” “liar,” and “stupid man.”

The girls are another story: I just can’t penetrate the facades of the girls who say that so-and-so absolutely is the father, and the only one they had sex with for years is that one guy. The really pretty ones are the best liars. If you see them finger a particular male as the daddy, you think, “Ah, man, that gentle, beautiful, wonderful soul would NEVER fool around! She HAS TO BE telling the truth!” And then, the results come in, and about one-third of the time the girl turns out to be lying! To me, the girls are impenetrable.

Now, balanced against the near-perfect lying of many of the adulterers and blindness of many of the spouses, there is the spouse’s reaction.

He or she THINKS they can handle it, but it turns out that they can’t, and the revelation leads to a dynamic of distrust, snapping, arguments, fighting, calls to police, hitting, restraining orders, and so on.

That leads to separation, failure to pay support, financial collapse, divorce, years of litigation and preoccupation with hate.

Almost invariably, the innocent spouse ends up wishing that they have never known.

In the real world, it is sometimes better to hide the sin.


#7

If there was true repentance then it should be between my husband and God through the confessional. If it is a repeated behavior it will come out anyway. I think I would know without being told.


#8

My reply above was based on one indiscretion not an ongoing relationship.


#9

I don’t know, this is such a hard subject. I can’t imagine ever cheating on my husband, or him cheating on me.

I guess I would say this: If it was over, and he was truly repentent, and I’d never find out, it may be best if I didn’t know.

If I were to find out, I would want it to be him that tells me, and not find out from a 3rd party.

If he were a habitual cheater, definately I’d want to know.

But this is why we don’t cheat, so we don’t have to go here! This really is a horrible thought for me. It would totally shatter the life I thought I had. I trust my husband 100%. I don’t have any suspicions that he’d cheat. How would I ever get that back? How do you rebuild your life?

For people who’ve gone through this and your marriage has survived, I really admire how you got through it, stuck with it, and found happiness again.


#10

I used to do divorces, as an attorney.

In two of those cases, after the husbands were caught fooling around with younger women, the wives kicked them out, the wives began to try to relieve their loneliness by fooling around, too, but were shocked at the low quality of the males still out there in the social landscape (“out there” being an appropriate euphemism). In those two cases, I successfully argued to the wives that now the scales were balanced – each had had their bites of forbidden fruit. The husbands, unable to cope with the vigor and optimism of the young women they were bedding, and the wives, shocked at the low caliber of the wierdos out there still available for marriage, agreed to get back together.


#11

I found out the hard way when her boyfriend tried to pick a fight with me in response to her calling it off

somethings are better not known


#12

Going to find out either here or at the Last Judgment, I think I’d rather know in this life.


#13

I voted no. My first husband had a “friend”. While I know the “friendship” wasn’t pure, I don’t know how far it actually went. To know more could have hurt too much.

God Bless,
Donna


#14

[quote=Mt19:26]This is kind of the opposite of the other poll that was started here asking if an adulterer should confess to their spouse. If you’re the victim of an unfaithful spouse do you want to know?

As for me, yes I’d like to know. It’s happened to me. Unfortunately, I found out the hard way. It wasn’t revealed to me by my spouse, but instead I discovered it on my own.
[/quote]

I said yes. If the subject doesn’t come up, how can it be dealt with? Being ignorant of the problem won’t make it go away.


#15

Okay, let’s say hypothetically that my BS had an affair 13 years ago. How will that knowledge in any way enrich my life or our relationship?


#16

[quote=Timidity]Okay, let’s say hypothetically that my BS had an affair 13 years ago. How will that knowledge in any way enrich my life or our relationship?
[/quote]

Having gone through the situation myself, we ending up getting marriage counseling in order to save the marriage. Problems were identified and solutions found. This situation happened 7 years after the marriage began. We are now about to celebrate our 19th anniversary and though we still have problems, fidelity is not one of them. I cannot speak for your hypothetical situation, but only my real life situation. Had my wife never confessed, I am very sure that it would have come out eventually and had I heard it from someone other than my wife, I probably wouldn’t have been too receptive to counseling with a woman that couldn’t admit her mistakes or whom I felt was lying or hiding things from me.


#17

What an explosive topic!!!

I can’t begin to speculate. . . haven’t cheated, to the best of my knowledge SHE hasn’t cheated (we have 7 kids, she homeschools. . .WHEN would she cheat??)

I was accused in a job I had recently that I was leaving because I was an adulterer (this was simply a confused and bitter public trying to guess as to my “real” reasons for leaving, when in fact my stated reasons were it). My wife, God bless her, immediately dismissed this scurrilism by saying: “WHEN would he have the time to cheat on me?”


#18

I think that most victim spouses have at least a sense that something is afoot. It is pretty hard to share bed and board and not be aware that things aren’t waht they should be.

Then, I suspect, it gets down to whether one sticks one’s head in the sand, or whether one takes issue head on.

And the old saw “what you don’t know can’t hurt you” is sadly lacking in truth.


#19

If you wish to love your family then, better not to known


#20

If it was a one time indiscretion, I don’t want or need to know. If it was an affair, I’d know anyway without being told. You just KNOW these things.
As to the diseases being a reason to know, no. If it’s already a done deal, how is knowing going to change anything? If I find I have a disease, I’ll know and if I don’t, I won’t.
This is a rather depressing topic.


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