Advice for My Marriage?


I don’t even know what to ask for, really. This is such a sticky, knotted mess, and I suspect I don’t know half of what the problems really are in our marriage.

I have been doing a lot of reading on alcoholism, and his family’s behavior makes so much sense in light of the characteristics of adult children of alcoholics. I never took seriously his father’s bigotry against Asians or his threat that my husband could even marry an Asian, but he’d be disowned if he married an American-- I think I should have. My father in law, btw, was always very nice to me, and did not disown my husband. But I think those attitudes were real and have had their impact on the whole family, regardless. (I’m not sure I was clear here-- they have extremely negative views of Americans, and I think that impacts how they, including my husband, have viewed me, despite any evidence to the contrary.)

I suspect now that my husband’s head has been filled with every kind of ugly judgment on me, and he believes these things, despite what he SHOULD know of my character from spending the last 18 years with me. I’ve recently discovered that he STILL thinks maybe I’ve been lying to him all along about him being the only person I’ve ever slept with!! :frowning: I have no history, ever, of lying to him or sleeping around, and he’ll even say I’m a very honest person… but then thinks maybe I’m lying on this! I don’t even know why, and I know if/when I ask him, it will turn into a huge fight. It is impossible to ask him or tell him anything outside of his determination to play fairy-tale marriage, without him getting angry.

I believe he loves me. I also think he has placed his family above me and believed anything they say above his own personal experience of my character. I think it’s hopeless. I am also filled with anger at the things he has done, and refuses to acknowledge or deal with, and I believe if they are not dealt with (the issue of secret female ‘friends,’ for instance, that I’ve posted about before) that it is only a matter of time before it happens again.

Thank you for any prayers you can offer.


The reason he thinks you must be being unfaithful is because he is doing it, it is called projection.

Is everybody involved Catholic? If not, what might their faiths be?

If he is suddenly turning against you, are you sure it is not something to do with him finding someone else he prefers to be with, and searching for a reason to oust you?


Thank you, Shirley. I re-read and realize I wasn’t entirely clear. He did accuse me, many years ago, of cheating on him, and that would have been close to the beginning of this long term ‘friendship.’ The recent event involved him specifically questioning whether he was really my first.

We are all Catholic.

The turning against is not sudden. And in fact, he has changed a lot of the worse behaviors in the last 2 years (stopped dropping little insults, for example). What I’m talking about has been going on for years, in issues of constantly taking his family’s part, in showing that he will protect and defend others but not me-- things like that. When I get explanations, it seems the only way to understand his behavior is that he believes awful things about me (ie, sleeping with others before I met him and lying to him about it our entire marriage.)


I don’t really know what to suggest, except maybe see if he will go with you to a good marriage counselor. Just from personal experience with people I know, it creates alot of problems in a marriage when a husband takes sides with his mother/family over his wife. When God said a man should leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife, he meant it! I will pray for you and your husband, and get many people to pray for you and your situation.


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