Advice for those using internet dating (profiles)


#1

I'd like not to get into detail about my experience with this kind of thing. I've also worked in areas where you interact with people and lately as a small business owner, which means I know everything about self-promotion. Just kidding. Here goes the advice. Please understand I am not addressing any safety concerns and my advice is not necessarily safe for you to follow when you have stalkers, live in a particularly bad area, or have enemies or friends that make pranks. You need to take those concerns into account on your own (preferably talking to an Internet savvy person before making any hasty conclusions).

Your first and foremost tool in online dating is your profile. Leaving a profile unfinished, for example containing a single photo and a couple of loose keywords, is a mistake because it does not allow people to match with you properly. Do not believe that someone "truly interested" will rise above the scarcity of information and still somehow sense that you are an interesting person. And there is nothing wrong advertising a little.

So:

Photos: You need a good photo to make the impression and deliver the kill. I am talking about making a good impression, not about being seductive (there is a difference). You would probably also benefit from posting a normal, plain picture that shows your everyday look. It will prevent people from expecting you always to look like a model after seeing the "kill" picture. Including several pictures gives a better rounded impression instead of providing only a single angle and particular lights, which may be misleading.

Personal data: Don't lie, ever. Skip if you must but everything you skip may hurt your chances. And if you think skipping certain information will improve your chances, think twice. Sooner or later it will come out. In certain situations you may need to choose an approximate answer or one that best suits you. Also, bear in mind that selectable answers can be used as search criteria in the website's search engine.

Interests, goals, hobbies: Keep it real and engaging. Stick to relevant things. For example, if you went to a nerd convention with your ex, it doesn't mean you're actively interested in Star Trek (which someone may be looking for) and "¡Dos cervezas por favor, rapido!" is not yet fluent Spanish. On the other hand, if you can strip an M72 apart and put it back together under 2 minutes blindfolded or you read Persian poetry, why not tell people. It will give a like-minded person the chance to locate you and it will give the potentially impressed folks a chance to, well, be impressed. Don't skip on something that makes you exceptional out of false modesty. And if you think you're an ordinary person, say it. It takes some guts to do that.

Language: Language is your tool to operate the bigger tool, which is your profile. Use language that can be understood by others. Make sure your train of thought can be followed easily. If you don't care, go play with your dog instead. Don't be ashamed to sound like an educated person if you are. Some people like astrophysicists. On the other hand, don't pretend you're someone you are not.

Limited spaces: If your writing space is limited, stick to what's important and remove information clutter. Think about it as summary writing, which it really is. With practice you can say more and more using less and less room. Even if your space is not limited, remember, however, that people's attention spans generally are.

Moods: It's okay to experience emotions but you don't need to change your profile on that basis. Stick to a general, universal image of you. Don't be negative. If you need to vent, have a beer with your friends. Don't focus on what you don't like, wouldn't stand for, absolutely couldn't accept and so on. On the other hand, don't be false-positive and don't try to please everybody or appear to be a softie when you're not.

Know what you are doing: Verify that your profile sends the right message about you. Always do this. And again.

I hope this helps you in your journey.


#2

Solid information. I had two close female friends review my ave maria singles account so I could get their perspective, it was a GREAT idea. It can’t hurt at least.


#3

I have nothing to add and nothing to criticize. Just glad I met my wife before internet profiles were requisite. One day I saw a girl sitting on a bench outside class. I went up to her and said something like “Hi! Why are you here? Are you taking this class, too…?”


#4

GASP SPEAKING TO A GIRL WITHOUT FIRST COMMUNICATING WITH HER VIA ELECTRONIC MEANS? I am shocked!

:eek:


#5

:bigyikes: LOL


#6

I made the mistake of joing Plenty Of Fish.I was stalked by someone I met online and found it very hard to meet a quality guy.Being middleaged didn’t help either.I ended up very disappointed,and in the future,will stick to a catholic dating service where the men have values and are sincere.


#7

I’ve decided to avoid online dating period. I tried POF and that didn’t work out. Then I tried a Catholic site and the only fellow in my area turned out to be a guy I had to throw out of my workplace once. Apparently he doesn’t remember that and he sent me several messages trying to strike up a conversation but quite frankly I want nothing to do with him (he was the first person I ever had to kick out and it was a very scary experience, he yelled at me for quite some time before finally leaving!!! I was shaking like a leaf after that). Yeah, the second message I got from him I immediately deleted my profile. I could have blocked him sure but there wasn’t anyone else in the area so why bother? :shrug:

Quite frankly I figure being single isn’t so bad. :smiley:


#8

Advice from a master…


#9

Chevlier I just have to ask. I haven’t seen you post in a while and all of a sudden you are giving advice on how to meet someone on-line… Is there a new woman in your life?:wink:


#10

That would be nice. There aren’t many places you just bump into a woman in her 30’s (my dating range) that’s cool with no premarital sex, outside of the occasional pro-Life or diocesan events. My parish certainly is no help, there are 2000+ families,but the only single women are either college age or elderly widows.


#11

Nope. :wink: (Though I’m moved that you’d notice. ;)) But there’s plenty of bad profiles out there, which reduces people’s chance of meeting someone.


#12

There are many people who met their spouse on an online matchmaking service. If you are serious about your religion, you should use a Catholic site (among others if you prefer), and screen out the people who seem unsuitable in that way. Frankly, one big thing that got me interested in the woman that I married is that she went to daily mass.
One thing turned me off on many women who put up their profile. Many women when they were supposed to provide their personal qualities just said what they want. Some women said they like to have someone to take walks with, who would take them dancing, and the like. I was looking for women who had family values, would like to take care of their children, even liked to cook or would clean the house. Not so many women seemed to show that they had much to offer as wives, though I am sure in some cases the reality was otherwise–but they didn’t show it.


#13

[quote="Havard, post:10, topic:237877"]
That would be nice. There aren't many places you just bump into a woman in her 30's (my dating range) that's cool with no premarital sex, outside of the occasional pro-Life or diocesan events. My parish certainly is no help, there are 2000+ families,but the only single women are either college age or elderly widows.

[/quote]

You make a good point. 30 years old is an important break-point for women. According to census 2009 ACS data about 61% of women aged 25-29 are "never married". By the time you get to the 30-34 years bucket that figure drops to 35%, for 35 to 39 years it hits 22%. The pool of available women is limited. Unmarried women at that age are probably spending most of their day at a job. Perhaps word-of-mouth is a solution? My wife introduced her younger brother (who is in your target age range) with our kid's kindergarten teacher once.


#14

Too bad. But yes, I did miss your posts :slight_smile:


#15

[quote="cmscms, post:14, topic:237877"]
Too bad. But yes, I did miss your posts :)

[/quote]

Thank you. :) And it isn't that bad actually. Right now I have tax returns to handle, accountants to fire, debts to collect and work is piling like there's no tomorrow, in addition to having to finish two degrees and one professional exam in the coming months. Don't have time to think much.


#16

As an Ave Maria success story--couldn't agree more! :thumbsup:

KG


#17

I do have to ask for someone who is going through that whole decree of nullity thing - if I ever do get the opportunity to get back out there again - when is the proper time to talk about the whole past marriage question. Obviously one should not dwell but on the same token someone has a right to know that you have been married before and that you are free to date now. And sooner or later if the dating is going well then they are going to want to know what happened. I am also wondering if someone who has been married before is something that men avoid? Sorry don’t mean to derail - just wondering how that works on the world of online?


#18

A “sorta” Catholic site I know has a relationship status option that says “ecclesiastical nullity decree”, which I think solves the problem. On the one hand it gives the information right away, on the other hand it does so probably with the least harm. Whoever would be discouraged will simply not approach. Now if they had a “how much PC hardware do you own” option. :smiley:


#19

just a reminder that there can be scary stalkerish people on catholic dating sites, too, and just because they’re on there doesn’t necessarily mean they’re catholic. I have a friend who uses a site - I forget which one - and she had some weird guys contacting her, and even had to block one or two due to incessant messaging…

be safe, y’all! :smiley:


#20

Yes, or even if actually practicing Catholic, then still not necessarily in agreement with the sexual ethics. I have experience with two Catholic dating websites that provide those questions in profiles and they are very often left blank or answers are selected which are not in accordance with the Church’s teachings. Therefore I suppose that on those websites where such questions are not asked, many or even most people may hold more secular views on premarital sex, contraception or something else.


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