Advice needed from the GUYS ( For men only)


It’s been a while since I logged in here since I have been very busy with my master’s degree. Anyway I am here to ask an advice from our catholic gentleman here because I just don’t know what to do with this situation. I recently move to this small town for my master’s degree and looked for a new parish. This happened sometime around September last year…

Anyway, I will get straight to the point. I have been going to mass to this new parish and there I always , always sit at the last row, the same spot every Sunday. The first few Sundays were normal, nothing out of the ordinary but sometime around in November, one of the Church’s ushers seems to always go out his way to shake my hand, grab my attention, be behind me during communion…This has happened evesince he noticed me and even today it is still happening…it wasn’t like that in my first month there in the Church.

I did not mind it at first and I just place him in the category of another guy I am not interested in. However, as he kept on doing these things every Sunday, I noticed that I began to develop feelings for the guy…So what I did next, I check if he had a RING in his finger and HE DID !!!..I was so heartbroken , it made me cry. I can’t believe something like that would happen in Church. However, 2 weeks after my discovery, I started hearing people always consoling him…which made me wonder if he was a widower…He is always alone when he goes to Church, helps a lot in all church activities and stays for lunch after Mass.

While he is there trying to give me special attention, I am here getting tired if one day he will ever step up and ask me out. I am not the kind of girl who would also pursue a man so I am just there seated in the same place as always and there he would be giving me special attention. I am thinking of going in a different time to forget him or change to a different seat but what if he is just a widower trying to figure things out… Any advice???

My age and the guy’s age is in our 30’s …if that would make any difference…

Ask someone in the parish if he is married. :slight_smile: If he is, stay away if you truly think he is giving you special attention.

Ushers are supposed to shake people’s hands and make them feel welcome. They are usually the last to receive communion, so it makes sense that he would usually end up behind the person in the last row. Is it possible you’re misinterpreting his friendliness?

Yes, I thought about that. The other Sunday I told myself it was all in my mind…So, after mass, I left my seat went to do adoration and then made a prayer in front of St. Joseph and when I turned around, he was there staring at me… I have been thinking of going to change seats since I am falling for him and he has a ring… He has always been alone at church though…

His wife may not be Catholic. Or they may go to separate Masses so that one of them can stay home with the kids. If he’s wearing a ring, that’s a pretty clear sign that’s he’s unavailable. If he is in fact a widower, he will eventually remove the ring when he’s ready to date. Ditto for receiving a declaration of nullity if he’s divorced.

Yes! I think the best move I should make is change to a different seat.

If I was a widower and saw a woman I was attracted to alone in church every week I would have approached her by now. I get the sense he’s very married. But there is a surefire way to find out - talk to him after church and simply ask.

1). I find it pretty impossible to “develop feelings” for a guy who you haven’t had a substantial conversation with.

2)If he’s a widower still wearing his ring and getting “consolations” from other people…he is absolutely NOT ready to move forward into another relationship. He may think he is…but he isn’t.

I married a widower, please please believe me.

Yes… I have read forums of wives of widowers because of this…I cannot believe all the issues going on there…

Mayita the guy is a weirdo and I am sure you can do better than get mixed up with a recent widow (or lonely guy married to a non Catholic) who hasn’t yet taken his ring off yet stares at you and generally acts towards you, for his age, in creepy ways.

That you cannot see this, that you are falling for a guy whom you didn’t seek out, that you are allowing yourself to get distracted and dependent so easily (“I was heart broken”) when you are meant to be worshipping…all suggests you are very vulnerable in your new environment and haven’t yet got a support network of friends.

Maybe at some emotional level you want all this anyways and there is nothing we can really do to dissuade you.

But if you are not yet at that point I would go to another mass, or sit up the front somewhere. And join a sports club or yoga or tai chi or choir or something to give you more social opps. Good luck.

You are either reading into this way too much or obsessing about it too much.
What you describe sounds like normal behavior of an usher. And if it isn’t, you want no part of it. Even if a widower, your obsession and thought process is just plain old odd.

And for future note. It’s just plain silly to start a thread and exclude an entire gender. Many women could offer advice.

This is just odd

being distracted instead of worshipping God completely during mass is a very valid point to consider …Thank you

Obsession?? Odd ??? I am sorry these are the messages you are getting from me…I am just seeking catholic advices from catholic gentlemen…I dont see anything odd about that…

Yeah, it strikes me as odd. Odd that you are obsessing over this. Odd that you think men are the only qualified advice you want on this.

Either his behavior is odd, or yours is. Or both:shrug:

I would respectfully ask you to not comment on the thread that I have created. I have come here to seek for advice since I have been feeling bad about this. please refrain from posting here out of CATHOLIC CHARITY

My advice is to leave it alone. Concentrate on the Mass, and if this man is single and asks you out you can explore a relationship through dating. You could also talk to him if you wish.

You may not like the advice but this is a public forum, and you posted a thread asking for comments. You cannot pick and choose who can respond. You posted a thread about a man who was nice to you and has a ring and jumped to many conclusions.
Perhaps stepping back or finding out the truth by asking him directly is a prudent thing.
I mean no disrespect when I say the behavior is odd, perhaps I read the OP wrong.
Something seems out of place.
And I mean no disrespect when I ask this either.
Do you struggle in social situations and reading social cues?
That might change the lens that some could see in your post.


Here’s a few observations. By the way, I am a single man.

First, has this usher taken the initiative to at least make some “small talk” after Mass? At least introduce himself like “hello, my name is Benjamin.” Where are you from? I

Second, it is possible that his wife is not Catholic. I have a few brother Knights who are married to non-Catholics, and their spouse goes to a different church. Seriously, this is more common than many people think (and I do know some successful and fulfilling marriages that have lasted which are mixed marriages). Ushering is a way for a man like this to get involved, and he doesn’t have to sit by himself every week. Years ago, I ushered in part because it gave me a scheduled time where I had to be on Sunday, which motivated me to attend Mass.

Third, you are a graduate student and single. Does your university have some kind of a group for graduate students? I ask because quite a few colleges do this, so graduate students can meet other M.S. and PhD. students that are in other disciplines. For example, many education graduate students are female, and many education graduate students are male. If your university has something like this, it’s worth a look.

Fourth, before you say “all the graduate students are too young”, keep in mind that there are some doctoral students these days who are single in their 30’s. I’ve also heard from good Catholic friends that Franciscan University of Steubenville and the John Paul II Institute for Marriage and Family have several graduate students in their 30’s. There are also quite a few law students these days in their 30’s, but I don’t think law students have much time to socialize.

Fifth, I’ve met some nice single women through church that are “age appropriate.” (This man doesn’t sound like he is 50 and approaching a 30 year old socially, which IMHO would be inappropriate.) While I might say hello after Mass, I normally will meet him at a group event, say a brunch after Mass, helping with a retreat, or through a mutual friend. I think most women would find it “creepy” if a man walked up to them right after Mass or followed them around at Mass.

Just some observations.

HD may I suggest you don’t give up your day job quite yet to pursue your counselling skills on CAF.

I was thinking of changing seats so I could concentrate at mass. I have just made that decision after reading some of the other poster’s advice. Other posters made valid points that if indeed he is a widower, the fact that he is wearing a ring means he is unavailable.

He hasn’t made any small talks with me…just the nervous hand shake and being a bit too close behind me…I have heard people consoling him which make me think he is a widower but I am not sure of that so I think it is best to transfer seats because I am beginning to like him.

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