Advice needed, husband attending bachelor party


#1

My husband’s best friend is getting married soon, and there is talk of a bachelor party. I don’t think it will be a wholesome good time with friends. I don’t think my husband is strong enough to come home if there are strippers involed, because all his friends will be there and they’ll make fun of him. I’m very nervous already and don’t know what to do. If I tell him now, before the event, that I don’t want him sitting through that kind of “entertainment” he will get mad and say I’m accusing him of something he hasn’t done. If I wait until this takes place I will be more upset and talking about it may lead to a fight that I don’t want to have. Please, help. If you have a similar situation, or are just a good advise giver, please, help.


#2

Dear Catherine,

if your husband cannot stand up to his friends and respect your wishes that he not attend a certain social function (regardless of whether its a bachelor party), and if you are in any way nervous to have a frank dialogue with him about your concerns, then I’m afraid you have bigger problems than this upcoming event.

Such fear of his reaction and of a fight on your part, and his apparent tendency to make accusations without truly entertaining your worries is not a sign of a healthy marriage! Perhaps you need to look into counseling, or into Retrovaille, the Church’s program for troubled marriages.

I don’t mean to make assumptions or upset you further, but I think you need to tackle a bigger problem here than potential strippers.


#3

[quote=maendem]Dear Catherine,

if your husband cannot stand up to his friends and respect your wishes that he not attend a certain social function (regardless of whether its a bachelor party), and if you are in any way nervous to have a frank dialogue with him about your concerns, then I’m afraid you have bigger problems than this upcoming event.

Such fear of his reaction and of a fight on your part, and his apparent tendency to make accusations without truly entertaining your worries is not a sign of a healthy marriage! Perhaps you need to look into counseling, or into Retrovaille, the Church’s program for troubled marriages.

I don’t mean to make assumptions or upset you further, but I think you need to tackle a bigger problem here than potential strippers.
[/quote]

I agree with you. My husband and I have a good relationship when it come to everyday, playful life. But it seems to me that when the situation gets serious, or if he may feel at fault or cornered, he tends to shut down, or bring an agruement out of it. I always second guess myself, like maybe I’m over reacting.


#4

My brothers and my friends wanted to throw me a “traditional” bachelor party when I got married. I advised ALL of them that if I so much as even heard the word “stripper” used at any such event I’d leave. Instead, we met for breakfast the day of the wedding and had a great, sober, and decent time.

When the time came for me to stand up at one of my buddy’s weddings, I was invited to attend a bachelor party for him. I politely informed the groom and his best man that going to strip clubs would violate my conscience. Neither of them took offense.

If these guys are really your husband’s friends, they’ll understand and not be offended when he tells them he really can’t be part of such an event. Additionally, make very sure that he doesn’t blame you for turning down the invitation. He should be man enough to proudly state that he’d never dream of dishonoring his wife by going to see strippers.


#5

[quote=Patrick2340]My brothers and my friends wanted to throw me a “traditional” bachelor party when I got married. I advised ALL of them that if I so much as even heard the word “stripper” used at any such event I’d leave. Instead, we met for breakfast the day of the wedding and had a great, sober, and decent time.

When the time came for me to stand up at one of my buddy’s weddings, I was invited to attend a bachelor party for him. I politely informed the groom and his best man that going to strip clubs would violate my conscience. Neither of them took offense.

If these guys are really your husband’s friends, they’ll understand and not be offended when he tells them he really can’t be part of such an event. Additionally, make very sure that he doesn’t blame you for turning down the invitation. He should be man enough to proudly state that he’d never dream of dishonoring his wife by going to see strippers.
[/quote]

You are a very good man, and your wife is very lucky. I’m lucky too, in many ways, but when it comes to my husband standing up for me, or how I feel, he takes a more neutral stance.


#6

Sounds like your husband needs a weekend with Men of Integrity.

These men know how to fight for morality, get him a pass.

The other is Covenant Keepers on the Internet.

Men can Be Strong

John


#7

Recently my husband’s brother got married. My husband was the best man and tried to avoid the bachelor party thing altogether, but the other guys got together and were going to plan it. So my husband decided to help them plan it to try to influence them. He did NOT want any strippers, but he is a very non-confrontational person, so it was very stressful to him. I didn’t help with the stress because I was adamant that this was a situation that he had to stand up for. I wasn’t going to be happy if he went along with the crowd on this one. Especially since I knew he didn’t really want to,and the groom had said he didn’t want it either.

My husband did what he could, but as he was leaving we still weren’t sure what was going to happen with the party. He asked his father to come and stay late to try to hinder what the younger guys would want to do (this didn’t end up working as Dad went home early). He also made himself a driver so that he would always be thinking straight throughout the night. And he tried to have plans that would keep them busy with other things - Texas Hold 'em tournament and such.

The best advice I can give you though, is what YOU can do. I got my parents to baby-sit the kids overnight. I was with the kids until they went to bed - which was about the time the guys were going out. So I had the house to myself and I stayed up and prayed the entire time they were gone. All 20 decades of the rosary, a novena, some bible meditation, etc. I also asked my mom’s group friends to pray as they went to bed. I thought of this because of Cursillo - if you have heard of that. It talks about a concept called palanca where you are lifted spiritually while someone prays for you. So during the Cursillo when people give talks other people are in the other room praying for them.

As a group, they weren’t perfect for the night. But they were better than some regular nights that those guys go out, from what we’ve heard. My husband was, IMO, an angel. I don’t know that he did anything wrong that night. There were no strippers, no naughty bars. Apparently some flirtatous dancing and stuff for some of them - including the groom, but I am not too sure on that as my husband was not on the dance floor at all.

I am sure that my prayers helped. Mary interceded.

If you let me know the date - I am willing to pray for your husband and all the guys involved. I feel very strongly about this issue.


#8

Sorry, there is more I need to say after reading through your post more closely

There was a time when I didn’t say anything to my husband. We were in a very bad time in our marriage. Full of other problems. I thought he would know how I felt.

He went along with the guys when they went to the strip club. He didn’t really care if he was there or not, just couldn’t stand up to these guys. Old college friends that would definitely have made a huge deal out of it if he didn’t go in. I was waiting for him to call and have me pick him up - I really thought he would call me if this situation came up. But he didn’t. Like I said, our marriage then was far from what it is now. He was trying to hurt me, get back at me for things. He justified it to himself because he was better than the other guys. He didn’t pay $1 to get the tits in his face and so forth. He didn’t sit up near the stage - stayed in back.

So when I called and asked if anything like that happened and he said they just left that place, I freaked out. I didn’t think I could be that upset or feel that hurt or angry. I had no idea I would react like that. I mentioned that he was trying to get back at me. That was were our relationship was. I had hurt him deeply, worse than this thing. So I didn’t think I had a right to tell him not to do it beforehand or react after. But I couldn’t hold it in. It hurt so bad.

I made him take me there to see what it was like. We stayed a couple minutes so that I could see it. Worse than I ever thought. And I have not lived a perfect life. This was so disgusting. Thinking about it still makes me want to throw up.

I have no anger for my husband now. We have grown so much since then. But I wish I would have said something beforehand. Even though the fight afterwards was part of what made us realize the problems we had and how hard we had to try to fix things – it easily could have driven us further apart. We were lucky. I am lucky that he cared about our marriage enough to be willing to try to save it. Willing to grow himself and push me.

I would suggest telling him beforehand how you feel. I wish I would have.


#9

catherinesiena,

Relax, it is not worth the heartache and worry you are putting into it

Despite their bad reputation, bachelor parties are mostly harmless

And I’ve been to a few
A lot of talk, a couple of beers, and that’s about it
Usually the worst that happens is that somebody passes out some cigars and for a few days he will taste like Mao did the long march over his tongue

or course a lot depends upon the age of the group
some younger guys can get a litte jerky

It’s a good time for your husband to bond with his friends
His best friend according to you

Why would you stand between the man you love and his best friend?

If he wants to go, let him

Make up you mind, either you trust him or you don’t

Don’t make him choose between you or his friends

Ultimatums aren’t good relationship builders


#10

[quote=catherinesiena]My husband’s best friend is getting married soon, and there is talk of a bachelor party. I don’t think it will be a wholesome good time with friends.
[/quote]

From a man who “KNOWS”…
I’d tell him in no uncertain terms that his “bachelor” days are OVER. But he can become one again if he goes to one with women involved.

I went to my own bachelor party with a group of friends who all were traditional Catholics. We had a blast, at a fine restaurant and no women. Period. Yes, we said Grace b4 and after.
They are some of the funniest guys on the planet when they let their guard down.


#11

Do you know for a fact that there will be strippers there? If you do then you have every right to protest in a big way. If you’re thinking that because his friends are ‘like that’ then you’re probably right. If his friends are decent people then I think it will probably be a few cigars and a couple beers as mentioned in the above post.

If there are trust issues then maybe some counseling is order.

-D


#12

well, break his leg, that’ll keep him home!

seriously, I know my own husband changed his mind with respect to this issue as he grew in his faith and eventually converted… if your husband is not very observant, and more of a “vitamin pill” Catholic (attends mass to get his weekly fix of the eucharist but not much else) and secular, then he may not have deep insight/understand why his attending a stripper bar is sinful and disrespectful to God, you, the stripper, the prospective bride, etc…

No matter, I think you should definitely express that you believe it’s sinful to be oogling another woman (lust in the heart!), and not in keeping with his marital vows/hurtful to you. It will definitely take strength of character to stand up to his pals, but you should tell him that’s what he should do. On one occasion, my husband went out to the bachelor party dinner, and then once the strip-joint hopping started, he just left the party. Also, once at another bach party when he realized the intention of the gang to detour to a strip bar, my husband offered to drive them there and pick them up later (i.e. be the designated driver). He went back to his hotel room and just watched tv for the interim. Let me say, though, that before my husband converted to Catholicism, he, I know, went to nudie bars several times, in particular when he’d visit an out of town college friend from whom he felt severe peer pressure. Since he’s converted, he has been able to witness effectively through abstaining from those activities, as I described above, and it has not hurt his friendship with his old college pal… in fact the last time he visited the friend, his friend didn’t even ask about doing the nudie bar thing!

if your husband does decide to go, he’s a big boy and it’s his relationship with God, and just pray for him. What more can you do than trust in God?

God bless


#13

Since your husband is the Best Friend, planning the bachelor party would fall to him. He gets to pick the location, menu, etc. Getting together all the guys for a golf weekend, hunting/fishing trip, cookout and shooting pool - whatever the groom is interested in. Find some good caterers, locations, etc. and offer suggestions instead of objecting to one thing, present good fun alternatives - many men are not good at event planning or thinking outside of the box, and they would just go for what is easy -

Offer to help with invites, and make sure that the Bride’s father and other male relatives are included.

If these guys are hunters, they would rather sit in a cabin for the weekend than just about anything! Appeal to their passions - I mean, the OTHER passions.


#14

My bachelor party was at my parent’s house with my Mom’s cooking and her and grandmother upstairs. Dinner was great, and I was happy to witness a fun time with college friends, that would never consider such a bachelor party.

On the flip side, some years later, I did attend a high school friend’s bachelor party at a strip club. I did not intend on going, but actually had some prodding from my wife. Looking back, this may have been guilt from what her bachelorette party was (compared to mine).

In the end, it was not an enjoyable time. I felt sorry for the strippers to have to do what they did as well as my friends who though it was fun. I was able to see first hand how some of these married friends cold not have a close relationship with their wife with their attitudes. I was very happy to leave and return home.

In the end it was a lesson for me. Next time, I’ll won’t even have to think about saying NO and can honestly say it was not an enjoyable experience.

Perhaps if your husband goes, he can learn a similar lesson. But if you can get him to decide that (on his own) before hand, that would be better for both of you.


#15

I had the talk with my husband last night. I just calmly explained myself. He rolled is eyes (which I expected, but still hate) and said that no one has planned for a stripper yet, and that I was over reacting (which I aslo expected). I told him that I don’t care if he goes out with the guys for the evening, if he drinks responsibly, and if he comes back home that night, but if the party takes the turn of going to a strip joint that I’d like him to come home. I feel so bad because he wouldn’t promise. He just gave me a patronizing pat on the head and said not to worry about it. Maybe we do need some conseling, but I don’t know where to go.


#16

Sending you a PM.


#17

When my husband and I got married, they threw him a stripper bachelor party and we almost called off the wedding. I was so hurt, and he was so mad that I was hurt. I didn’t have a bachelorette party. I had a bridal shower with my friends and female family members. We had a blast playing games and eating snacks. Why can’t guy, especially Catholic guys, just do that?


#18

[quote=catherinesiena]When my husband and I got married, they threw him a stripper bachelor party and we almost called off the wedding. I was so hurt, and he was so mad that I was hurt. I didn’t have a bachelorette party. I had a bridal shower with my friends and female family members. We had a blast playing games and eating snacks. Why can’t guy, especially Catholic guys, just do that?
[/quote]

Because men are raised with the thinking that being perversed is okay. They are raised (and I don’t necessarily mean by the parents…it could be a friends influence ect) to think it is fine and natural to look at women and lust after them. Women are taught differently, that looking and acting in a manner that men are taught is okay, is innapropriate. It should not be this way, both men and women should be taught respect of the opposite gender.

The way your husband acts, he should really listen to you and take how you feel to heart. Giving you a gentle pat and telling you “not to worry” and lack or promises, is not going to put your mind at ease. He should comprimise, it should not be all or none. I am sorry you have to go thru this, I will pray for you and ask that he respects your feelings and has a change of heart.

I wish you the best, continue talking with him as that is very important. Make it clear to him that it hurts you.


#19

[quote=catherinesiena]When my husband and I got married, they threw him a stripper bachelor party and we almost called off the wedding. I was so hurt, and he was so mad that I was hurt. I didn’t have a bachelorette party. I had a bridal shower with my friends and female family members. We had a blast playing games and eating snacks. Why can’t guy, especially Catholic guys, just do that?
[/quote]

They can and do, although I’m willing to bet the snacks and games are different. i’m thinking sausage and peppers and may be shooting some pool.:smiley:


#20

if the strippers are going to be there, there is a possibility it may be held in the lounge away from other customers, if that is the case he could always discreetly go to the bar until it is over, or even make his way to the toilets if bar and lounge are not seperate, he may be willing to make tis compromise to keep both you and the groom happy


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