Advice on How to Live Under These Circumstances


#1

I have written before about finding out my husband of 30 years had been getting explicit lap dances from strippers. (He has since stopped "for the marriage's sake.") Now, two years later, with much counseling, it had devolved into me having to virtually put the words of remorse in his mouth for him. He said he purposely did nothing to show remorse because doing so would only cause me to make "a big deal out of it", and in his mind, it was no big deal, and he did not want to deal with my drama. I am left with him having "apologized", finally admitting that what he did was wrong, because I was able to describe to him a scenario in which the tables were turned, making him more easily see my side. He was probably agreeing with me just to end the conversation.
It's hard for me to live apart. We have been separated 5 different times during these two years. But staying together, even though he thinks everything is fine, is killing me, literally. Knowing he did not respect me enough to stay away from strippers, and that he deliberately did nothing to show remorse and reconciliation, even while being aware that it was causing my health to deteriorate and for me to consider suicide, I am now stuck with finding a way to survive. I believe my husband has many of the characteristics of a narcissist. He says he loves me, but cannot show empathy. He shows no physical affection towards me even though I told him I craved it as a way of reconciling. (I'm not talking about occasional sex, here.) I just need to know some ways of coping with this situation which will be my life for my remaining years. I pray constantly about this, but have found no relief from my constant stress. I now have constant heart pains. My bad health is scaring me.


#2

[quote="e3342, post:1, topic:254085"]
I have written before about finding out my husband of 30 years had been getting explicit lap dances from strippers. (He has since stopped "for the marriage's sake.") Now, two years later, with much counseling, it had devolved into me having to virtually put the words of remorse in his mouth for him. He said he purposely did nothing to show remorse because doing so would only cause me to make "a big deal out of it", and in his mind, it was no big deal, and he did not want to deal with my drama. I am left with him having "apologized", finally admitting that what he did was wrong, because I was able to describe to him a scenario in which the tables were turned, making him more easily see my side. He was probably agreeing with me just to end the conversation.
It's hard for me to live apart. We have been separated 5 different times during these two years. But staying together, even though he thinks everything is fine, is killing me, literally. Knowing he did not respect me enough to stay away from strippers, and that he deliberately did nothing to show remorse and reconciliation, even while being aware that it was causing my health to deteriorate and for me to consider suicide, I am now stuck with finding a way to survive. I believe my husband has many of the characteristics of a narcissist. He says he loves me, but cannot show empathy. He shows no physical affection towards me even though I told him I craved it as a way of reconciling. (I'm not talking about occasional sex, here.) I just need to know some ways of coping with this situation which will be my life for my remaining years. I pray constantly about this, but have found no relief from my constant stress. I now have constant heart pains. My bad health is scaring me.

[/quote]

I checked your previous posts and see that you have been posting
about this issue for two yrs. Two yrs of 70 posts, seemingly devoted
to issues with your husband. Catholic Answers offers MUCH more than
a place for you to vent!

I agree that your bad health should be scaring you ... but for reasons that
you seem to ignore. Being angry at and hurt by a husband has led you
to consider suicide? Suicidal thinking and bad health??? Why aren't you
under the care of a physician - and of a psychiatrist too, for that matter?

You are in certain need of supportive healthcare. I've never heard of a wife
(who felt abused and used) considering suicide, until now. Divorce, yes and
homicide maybe, but suicide??? To consider ending YOUR life over someone
who treated you very badly - really, unusual in the extreme.


**Have you any children, any other close family?  
For heaven's sake, get yourself some real assistance.**  

BTW again, no priest can "advise" you about any "possible" annulment 
now.  That type of discussion can only take place after a divorce
 has taken place.

BTW, again, what can be accomplished by seeing a Jewish counselor?
IMO, He can not possibly understand the ramifications of these issues for
a Catholic woman with a 'not practicing' Catholic husband.


PS - yes, I noticed the few posts that mention your sister too.

#3

This is going to sound hard, but forgive your husband. I can feel your anger and bitterness and it may be these emotions you are having trouble living with rather than your husband. You have to release these negative feelings before you can heal, surely your marriage can't progress while dealy sins are involved. You say putting the shoe on the other foot has made your husband understand how you feel and has apologized, accept it. If you haven't started yet start showing him the affection you crave and keep praying. I will pray for you as well. God Bless your effforts and your determination to make your marriage work.


#4

You might be doing this to yourself. Two years ago you caught your husband in wrong behavior. Unlike most men, he stopped to save your marriage. Then, unlike most men, he engaged in counseling. But that is not enough for you that he has respected your wishes. You want him on his knees begging forgiveness with roses in hand. Like most men, he would find that humiliating. He feels he’s cooperating and hanging in there with the marriage. A big clue is he feels you have “drama” issues. He may be right. You are never going to feel like Cinderella being swept off her feet by this man. He’s not that type. But sounds like he is not a jerk either. He does not want to talk about past mistakes and analyze his feelings, like most men! Seems to me you have a marriage that can be built up to a level of affection and trust again…if you stop berating your husband.


#5

[quote="catharina, post:2, topic:254085"]
I checked your previous posts and see that you have been posting
about this issue for two yrs. Two yrs of 70 posts, seemingly devoted
to issues with your husband. Catholic Answers offers MUCH more than
a place for you to vent!

I agree that your bad health should be scaring you ... but for reasons that
you seem to ignore. Being angry at and hurt by a husband has led you
to consider suicide? Suicidal thinking and bad health??? Why aren't you
under the care of a physician - and of a psychiatrist too, for that matter?

You are in certain need of supportive healthcare. I've never heard of a wife
(who felt abused and used) considering suicide, until now. Divorce, yes and
homicide maybe, but suicide??? To consider ending YOUR life over someone
who treated you very badly - really, unusual in the extreme.


**Have you any children, any other close family?  
For heaven's sake, get yourself some real assistance.**  

BTW again, no priest can "advise" you about any "possible" annulment 
now.  That type of discussion can only take place after a divorce
 has taken place.

BTW, again, what can be accomplished by seeing a Jewish counselor?
IMO, He can not possibly understand the ramifications of these issues for
a Catholic woman with a 'not practicing' Catholic husband.


PS - yes, I noticed the few posts that mention your sister too.

[/quote]



I would say that when speaking of a 30 year marriage suicide is not that uncommon when encountered with feelings of depression. Whatever happens now will be life changing regardless. You need to get into Catholic counseling and either learn to forgive or end the marriage for both of your sakes. I am not advocating one choice or the other nor am I saying that you will or will not be able to get a decree of nullity but having one foot in the door and one foot out is probably driving him nuts too. You must make a decision and stand by it. Please see a Catholic counselor and your priest.

#6

[quote="Rudolfo, post:4, topic:254085"]
You might be doing this to yourself. Two years ago you caught your husband in wrong behavior. Unlike most men, he stopped to save your marriage. Then, unlike most men, he engaged in counseling. But that is not enough for you that he has respected your wishes. You want him on his knees begging forgiveness with roses in hand. Like most men, he would find that humiliating. He feels he's cooperating and hanging in there with the marriage. A big clue is he feels you have "drama" issues. He may be right. You are never going to feel like Cinderella being swept off her feet by this man. He's not that type. But sounds like he is not a jerk either. He does not want to talk about past mistakes and analyze his feelings, like most men! Seems to me you have a marriage that can be built up to a level of affection and trust again...if you stop berating your husband.

[/quote]

Well said and SPOT ON! Congratulations. A welcome tonic for all the 'dramatic' people giving advice.

OP-I hope you take this advice, or divorce and move on. These are the only 2 paths to resolution of your problems.


#7

WOW! Excellent advice. Curious to know how you found out about the lap dancing?


#8

Read the threads by Corinne3 before she was banned.

forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=520118

forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=486014

I have reported her.


#9

Why did you report her?


#10

E3342 sounds like Corinne3...


#11

Corrinne and I had similar problems with our husbands. But why did you report her?


#12

[quote="e3342, post:11, topic:254085"]
Corrinne and I had similar problems with our husbands. But why did you report her?

[/quote]

I did not report Corinne3, I reported you, because I thought you are Corinne3 who was banned.

You have the exact same problems down to the T. Apparently the mods are giving you another chance.

As Corinne3, you were consumed with whether to leave your husband. Now that he is back, you are consumed with "making him pay."


#13

But why was I banned?


#14

Our situations are not the same "down to a tee" as you say. My husband went to strip clubs, he was not dating one like Corinne's husband. What I don't understand is, why are you putting yourself in the position of "thought police"? I thought the purpose of these forums was to seek compassionate counsel, not to receive sanctimonious judgment from fellow posters.


#15

[quote="e3342, post:13, topic:254085"]
But why was I banned?

[/quote]

It isn't that people are being thought police. Corrinne got people very upset by the things she was saying and the behaviors that she was demonstrating. On top of this creating another user name in order to circumvent a past banning is against forum rules which is what you just admitted to in teh above statement.


#16

You realize e3342 joined more than 6 mo before Corinne3.


#17

“I did not report Corrine, I reported you.” is what you said. And since I am not Corrine, I asked, “Why did you report me?” If you go back and read our posts you will see, that although similar, Corrine and I are two different cases. Indeed, many times, I responded to her posts! How does that happen if we’re supposedly the same person? I wrote here with a broken heart, looking for compassion and advice, expecting to find it among people of my own faith, instead I find your response whose presumption and arrogance sickens me. I deserve an apology from you!


#18

Hi,

I hope I am not intruding by stepping in to ask this. I am a brand new member and was simply looking through threads when I came upon this one. After reading this thread and what was said by the moderator (at least I think that is the title of the person) and another individual who said that people didn't "like" what she was was saying and the behaviors she was demonstrating, I think I perhaps should not have joined Catholic Answers. Please forgive me if I upset anyone, but I joined because I thought here is where we can safely talk about our problems in addition to other things without being judged, and that is what seems to be happening here. I do not know the extenuating circumstances so I apologize but from what I read she should not have been reported at all and no one here on Earth should judge another for what they say and do. That's Gods job. I believe this matter should be escalated to someone in administration so that individuals like me can feel free to talk and not be scared like I feel now.


#19

[quote="customsewing, post:18, topic:254085"]
Hi,

I hope I am not intruding by stepping in to ask this. I am a brand new member and was simply looking through threads when I came upon this one. After reading this thread and what was said by the moderator (at least I think that is the title of the person) and another individual who said that people didn't "like" what she was was saying and the behaviors she was demonstrating, I think I perhaps should not have joined Catholic Answers. Please forgive me if I upset anyone, but I joined because I thought here is where we can safely talk about our problems in addition to other things without being judged, and that is what seems to be happening here. I do not know the extenuating circumstances so I apologize but from what I read she should not have been reported at all and no one here on Earth should judge another for what they say and do. That's Gods job. I believe this matter should be escalated to someone in administration so that individuals like me can feel free to talk and not be scared like I feel now.

[/quote]

You might want to check out the apologetics and Scripture threads. They are very informative and enlightening.


#20

[quote="e3342, post:14, topic:254085"]
Our situations are not the same "down to a tee" as you say. My husband went to strip clubs, he was not dating one like Corinne's husband. What I don't understand is, why are you putting yourself in the position of "thought police"? I thought the purpose of these forums was to seek compassionate counsel, not to receive sanctimonious judgment from fellow posters.

[/quote]

It's not my decision whether or not to ban people. If you'll notice, there is a little triangle next to every post to report abuse. These forums are strictly monitored by moderators. This is also found on comments sections of newspapers.

Not sure how my noticing your problems are extremely similar to a banned poster is being "sanctimonious."

In addition, discussing banned posters or reasons for being banned are not allowed and reasons in itself for banning. Therefore I have not idea why you were banned in the first place.


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