Advice on Kids staying overnight with Husband and Mistress


#1

I’ve been married for 9 years with 2 children, and back in June my husband left out of the blue. Later I found out that he moved in with the other woman and her 2 kids.

Anyways, he has filed for divorce and wants overnight visits with the kids at his place. I don’t know if my wounds are too fresh, but I feel it is so wrong for them to sleep over there. He visits the kids and takes them out every week, but wants the overnights.

The state of course has a “no fault” for adultery. We have a mediation in about a week, which I will be left with no choice but to do what they ask. How can this world just look at adultery like it is not wrong, and have the kids over there when our divorce is not even final?

So the Catholic family that I wanted my kids to grow up with is gone, and now I am just forced to emotionally get it over and tell my kids that it is ok for them to stay with with Dad. Has anyone felt the same, and how do you deal with it?


#2

by accepting that even though my children’s dad is not very moral, he is still their dad. I left when he was bringing his latest ‘friend’ to visit when I was on nightshift. He’s had a live in girlfriend for almost two years, and I’ve now found out that he is leaving her, but has already introduced the kids to the new girlfriend.

He’s a very immoral man, and we share custody 50/50. But, my children wanted to be with their dad half the time. I am now in the process of setting ground rules out in a revised custody agreement. He’s an athiest, non Catholic and doesn’t attend Church, hence the Faith upbringing is left to me when they are with me for my week.

However, God knows my situation. I’ve passed it to Him. I also figure the kids have to work out on their own their dad is an immoral person and my daughter prays for Him.

I was torn between wanting to shield them from the fact their dad lived in sin, and their dad did this and was this, but I knew he was eligle for custody rights, so there was no point in making a big deal of it because this would have affected the children. He most likely would have tried to convince the children I was taking them away from him.

I’ve wondered at what stage I should talk to the kids about living in sin, but decided not to, because if they had brought it up at dad’s he might likely find a way to convince them it is ok with God and say God doesn’t exist or something that probably would be more detrimental. I just everynow and then mention for example that God would not approve of boys and girls having relations before marriage and recently something did come up about dad and his gf not being married, so I suggested they pray for Dad to know God and his laws.

I try and bring my kids up Catholic, and I hope they know and understand God. But even kids who have been raised by two Catholic parents aren’t always guarantee’d to follow the teachings of the Church. But I can teach my kids some attributes of the Church by example, and they are forgiveness, compassion, hope and love. They see I’ve forgiven their dad for his adultury, they see I have some compassion for him. They see I have hope and love because I ask them to pray for dad’s conversion to God. And I have Faith God will see my children and myself through.

Somethings are a challenge. Sometimes our world, our dreams and our plans are uprooted or shattered. But if we face the situation we have been given or currently in, we can find via God’s assistance, a way to deal with it or cope with it. It might mean making more of an effort, for example ensuring from our end that we teach the children the Faith, take them to regular Confession. Mine only get to go to mass the week with me, but I try and do other things that are of a Catholic nature to add to it.

Parent them with love, pray for you children and ex, and let God’s love help you and your children through this. Because at one stage I got so worked up that the girlfriends apparent former lesbian lifestyle might crop up and my daughter would be influenced to become a lesbian with belly button rings, and my son would end up turning into some sex maniac like his dad. But the stress isn’t worth it. It can rub off on the children. One can turn the worry into prayer and the anxiety into energy to try and add to the children’s Catholic upbringing.

We can’t shield our children forever nor from everything, but we can provide them with some tools to sustain them. And God will provide us with some tools.


#3

It no doubt seems foreign to you and troubling. But kids are resilient and seem to adjust and heal as to that rift between you and your former relationship. If you ever see fit to see a man in your life, they will adjust to that too even if he stays over night with you with them in the house. I’d keep an open mind and focus more on yourself. The kids seem over time to be able to ride with the tide and go with the flow. Kids seem to accept things easier and not take it to heart. Let’s blow this popsicle stand mom/dad and go somewhere else…lol… Kids really don’t get hung about things we think they should. They are understanding that relationships don’t last forever and they’ve peers to re-inforce they are not unique.


#4

JRichard, I’m so sorry to hear of your very sad situation. :frowning: I expect as a faithful Catholic you would never have any men “staying overnight with you” as suggested by Iamblessed unless you were married to them. As this is all so recent and the emotion is very raw I hope that over time the emotional pain will lessen. I have not been in this situation, have your spoken to a lawyer before you go to mediation? I don’t know if the fact that you were raising the children as Catholic and now their father is asking them to come and live part-time in a situation that is contrary to church teaching would be something you could contest. I would definitely find out what your legal situation is, if you accept anything in mediation it will probably be almost impossible to later change it. You might well be able to contest it or ask for sole custody if your husband abandoned the family. Make sure you have good legal advice, is there a Catholic lawyer in your parish? Mediation might be cheaper but you may end up unwittingly giving up your rights to make decisions about the children. Unfortunately if you are legally obligated to let your children stay with their father overnight then this is something you will have to accept.

I would focus on maintaining a Catholic domestic church at home, praying frequently with your children and having them involved with church activities and other loving Catholic families. I would do my best to avoid judgmental statements about their father. Children will figure things out for themselves. Make sure you have a lot of support around you: family, friends, spiritual guidance and activities centered on your faith. When the children are with their father maybe that is the time to take a spiritual retreat day, a spa day or other way to nurture yourself and be kind to yourself. Find a group for other faithful Catholics in your situation such as The Beginning Experience.

I know faithful Catholics who have come from all kinds of family backgrounds, be consistent in your faith so that the children see the rock that the church is for us whatever life sends us.

Every blessing to you and your children.


#5

Kids rock and accept whatever especially ages under 13, and don’t overly worry about them as they will adjust and accept changes. They can learn a new language easier than we can. They will look upon a parent as to what is not right, so keep a stiff upper lip at all times and not get into a pity party mode. The more people they have thinking about them and things to do, places to go, the better. Just keep them busy however keep them in what they are used to if they are in the faith. Does not sound like they are in Catholic school. As to good advice as to the prior poster, and a Catholic lawyer, they are spot on, however, I’ve found Jewish ones to be exceptional and the pool to choose from much larger. .


#6

You can have the visitation agreement written where there are NO overnights permitted if there is an unrelated adult of the opposite sex in the house. This will apply to both of you. It is pretty common.


#7

I know you mean well stating this, but kids DO get hung up on these things, they just don’t feel that anyone cares what they think, when dad is more concerned with his new lover than them. That IS what goes through kids’ heads. I have friends who have gone through these same things, and how it sometimes manifests itself is in kids getting bad grades, having sex as teens, drinking, drugs, etc…Kids seem to roll with the punches, but inside, they are not ‘okay’ with dad shacking up with another woman, and her two kids. I lost my parents as a young kid, and I seemed resisliant, because no one asked me what I felt. Obviously, this ‘dad’ here in this thread, doesn’t care at all what his kids think…and THAT, kids pick up on, and figure, why should I put up a fuss? Dad might throw me away too, the way he threw mom away. :frowning: THAT is what goes through a kid’s head when they see their family being destroyed. Kids are more PERCEPTIVE than we think. That might be a better sentence. They appear unscathed, but inside, believe me…they are hurting beyond belief as to what their dad has done to the family. :frowning:

To the OP, I would highly suggest doing what kage suggest. Don’t put up with this. Your marriage is ending, but you’re your kids mother, and fight for what is right. I will hold you in my prayers. :hug1: :gopray:*


#8

If possible, perhaps even have it written that no overnights if any unrelated adults are there. Yes, abuse happens even with uncles and aunts and cousins, but I believe they are statistically safer with family than a parent’s lover or friend of any type.


#9

I wanted to thank everyone for their input. Never thinking this would happen to me, I feel so vulnerable. I will definitely ask my lawyer about having an agreement to not have any adults of the opposite sex present in the home when there are overnights. Only thing is…he lives at his mistress’s house and her kids, but I will bring it up anyway.

The advice for our family to keep praying for my husband is good. This way, they know that it is not what God intended and at the same time know that Mom still cares for him as their father. I know that God will help me so that the judge will decide what is best for my kids. I would prefer to solve things over mediation, but don’t see much cooperation from my husband.

I don’t understand how he could abandon his kids and then pretend to be such a great Dad to her kids. What kind of person does this? He even shows my kids pictures of her kids which is hurtful. I’ll never forget the day my children were at a fair in my community and we ended up bumping into him with his mistress and kids. I was so disgusted that he did not even bother to ask me to bring his own kids to this fair instead, but was happily parading around with his new family. Anyway, such is life, and I will just adjust to these changes and ask that God guide me and help me while I deal with this. Thank you everyone for responding. This has helped me understand others point of views and not feel like I am the only one so uncomfortable with this situation.


#10

*Sadly, a person who strays from God, does this. A person who puts temporal pleasure and gratification above doing what’s right, and morals…does this. (to answer your question) That said, your husband is need of prayers. The sad thing is that he thinks he’s going to ride off into the sunset with the mistress, with no backlash to his behavior. Most people who are entrenched in sin, don’t see the sin for what it is. If sin felt bad from the get go, no one would sin. :o He is in the honeymoon phase of sin right now…but when his kids stop wanting to come to visit him, when her kids don’t love him the way they love their dad, when she starts seeing him for what he is, a man who abandoned his family…and when they BOTH start wondering when not if the other will cheat…that is when the scales will fall from his eyes. My sister had an affair with a married man…he left his wife ‘for her,’ and they shacked up together for a short time. He eventually cheated on her, the kids did not accept her as she had hoped, and there was definitely no riding off into the sunset. If anything, reality was worse with this man, than she would have ever imagined.

Affairs are not based on reality. When your husband and the mistress continue to spend time together, and the day to day becomes nothing like the affair was, they will have regrets. Very few affairs that turn into relationships, last. Very few. People that have affairs think it’s the marriage, or the person they are married to, but once they leave their marriages, they realize that they have a whole new set of problems.

Your husband is in for a rude rude awakening when it comes to your children. Just like my sister, his kids might not get along with ‘her’ kids…he may favor her kids over his own. It happens, be ready for these things. Be ready for your husband to say, when you talk to your lawyer about drawing up an agreement…‘why do you have to do this to the kids?’ OR ‘Why do you have to be so difficult?’

He made the bed…he needs to lay in it. He needs to figure out how to visit his kids, even if that means getting a hotel during his visitation hours…or him staying at your house, and you leaving and staying with friends. Remember, it is for the best interest of your kids, at this point. Your kids sleeping over with their dad who is still married, and having a sexual relationship with a woman that he had an affair with is NOT in the best interest of your kids. It’s not, and never will be. If anything, they will believe that that is ‘normal,’ if dad does it…then maybe I’ll do that, too someday. No, you want to do everything you possibly can to shield them from that ridiculousness. He created the ridiculousness, not you. Whatever your problems were in the marriage, doesn’t warrant your children to be put through this! :mad: I’m angry thinking about it, and I don’t even know you both. But, I remember the pain the kids were in, when my sister would relay stories to me about her with that guy. (They are no longer together by the way)

I will hold you and your kids…and your husband, in my prayers…that all involved will put their own self interests last, and the needs of your sweet children FIRST.*


#11

to the OP, I had it put in my mediation agreement about no adults of the opposite sex unmarried spending the night when the kids are over there.

Because that kind of person will go through several in the next decade. And your kids don’t need to be subject to a parade of strangers.

It teaches them the wrong lesson.

And when they are with their father, if he wants them over there, he needs to be paying attention to THEM.

If they go over there and he’s playing with the other kids, your kids won’t want to keep going over there. They’ll come home to your house all angry and take it out on you.

Line up a counselor for them right now to sort through their feelings of rage and betrayal and abandonment and resentment.

By the way, are you SURE those other kids aren’t his too?


#12

Every break up situation is a bit different and people deal with it hopefully in a civil manner for the sake of the innocent children. Kate & Jon’s arrangement with the kid is an odd one as they go through their divorce but are both spending time with the children but not together as a couple. Jon made his bed, but he felt neglected and they argued and he left. His wife, was busy doing her thing, writing books and traveling, doing shows and signings. As many who follow the saga, Kate has a new show planned with TLC which is all about her and not the kids. God bless her. I wish her the best. Everyone has a story to tell.


#13

:thumbsup:Good post


#14

This.

It’s bad enough that your husband has and still is committing adultery he doesn’t need to flaunt it in front of your children by making them spend the night with him and his mistress.


#15

*You know, people who put their kids through this…it’s so sad. Imagine packing your toothbrush, your clothes for the week, weekend, whatever…every other week…to go live somewhere else, with someone you know, and a stranger. Perpetually living like this, no choice of your own. (I’m speaking of ‘parents’ who abandon their families for other women/men, and then turn around and expect their kids to just go live with them, and their lovers. Not speaking of the injured parties. :()

It should be a crime, what some ‘parents’ do to kids, because their sex lives come first. :frowning: Truthfully, if the father here in question cared about his kids, he would move back in with their mom, leave the mistress, and try to make his marriage work. Period. For him to move out, in with another woman, choosing to see his kids ‘whenever,’ shows where they rank. :frowning:

jrichard, you have my prayers…stay strong. Stay close to Christ, and fight for your kids–for them to not have to be subjected to your husband’s ‘other life.’ I will keep praying that things get better for you. *


#16

Jrichard…I am so sorry that you have to deal with this. I bet if feels surreal.
Under no circumstance can you let your children stay overnight at your husband’s when his mistress is there. Your kids do not need to be exposed to their father’s sex life like that. I am disgusted on your behalf :mad: and so sorry that you and your children have to suffer through the destruction of family because your husband and this lady need to feel “happy.” It will hurt your kids so much to see that their daddy now lives with some other lady’s kids and they are getting more of his attention than they are. There is really no way around this truth, so brace for it and be a safe place for your children to land. I am getting angry for you just typing this and thinking about it. This mistress is abusing her kids as well…having them live with a man who is not her husband and whom she plucked from a marriage. These poor children of hers, they are victim just as you and your kids are.
I will keep you in my prayers. Just know that this is the time when God will step in and be a leader of your household. Even when you think you are falling short, I promise you, God will pick up the slack where you think you have left off and he will provide for you in amazing ways as long as you keep inviting him into your hearts.


#17

I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your family. Its such a tragedy.
My husband left me and our 2 kids for his mistress in June as well, only when their relationship wasn’t all it was cracked up to be, he moved out of her apt and is now renting a room from a couple, and I moved in with my mom.
He visits a couple times a week. Our 13 year old girl is disgusted and hurt by her dad, and our 2 year old boy just misses him.
I’m glad to know that parties can agree that the kids won’t be present if an unmarried adult is staying in the house.
I’m glad you’re going to talk with your lawyer about that.
I’m not sure how old your kids are, but in the case of my little one, I’m going to try to avoid overnight visits as long as possible. He’s too young to understand!
I’l be praying for you and your family.
Keep us posted!


#18

definitely talk to your lawyer about the “no unrelated adults” and overnight stays.

also? try your hardest to keep from saying anything hurtful about their dad in front of the kids. if teh truth is there, they will see it. and meanwhile you saying things about their dad can be used against you in custody hearings.

prayers.
PS do your best to find them good families with kids they can play with.


#19

I didn’t realize I could ask for it in the mediation, which I know we both will not agreen in. About the other kids. My son said the boy who is 6 has a picture on the fridge with his own dad( Dad lives in California according to my husband).

However, the little girl who is 3, does not have any pictures with the dad. My daughter said that the girl calls my husband Daddy. I know that toddlers will call a man daddy sometimes, but I do wonder. What a nightmare!


#20

Oh my gosh, this whole situation is so wrong. I’m so very sorry you’re going through this, and your kids, as well. Praying that you will draw strength from the Lord during this time. :frowning:


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