Advice on premarital sex


#1

Hello!

I’m a Protestant woman in a relationship with a wonderful Catholic man. I started going to mass with him over a year ago, and this past September decided to start the RCIA process! I’ve fallen in love with the faith, and I’m excited to share in the fullness of God and His true church with my boyfriend. One thing that’s come up through RCIA is the concept of mortal sin–namely the need to confess and abstain from the Eucharist until doing so. My boyfriend and I have had (and continue to have) premarital sex. I’m not asking for permission or for you to tell me that this isn’t a mortal sin–that would be arrogant, ignorant, and misguided of me. My question is this–I would be okay to stop having sex until marriage. I’m so excited to have my first reconciliation and receive the Eucharist at Easter. I also believe that my boyfriend is indeed the man I will marry. I’m worried though that he won’t want to also stop having sex. I’m worried that it’s become too much a habit in our relationship, and I really don’t want to lose him or drive him away. At the same time, I don’t want to wait until I’m married to take the Eucharist regularly. I also don’t want to make a false confession every week and then continue to sin again the following week–that would be much worse. I’m lost and looking for advice–please help!


#2

Sit down and tell him this. That you want to do things like receive the sacraments and this prohibits you from doing so.


#3

Congratulations on your entrance into RCIA, to eventually enter an Apostolic Church!
Now just to be sure, I hope you understand the seriousness of mortal sin. It is not something that would normally be committed on an everyday basis, but a serious deprivation of God’s life within us!

From the Catechism of the Catholic Church:

1855 Mortal sin destroys charity in the heart of man by a grave violation of God’s law; it turns man away from God, who is his ultimate end and his beatitude, by preferring an inferior good to him.

1861 Mortal sin is a radical possibility of human freedom, as is love itself. It results in the loss of charity and the privation of sanctifying grace, that is, of the state of grace. If it is not redeemed by repentance and God’s forgiveness,** it causes exclusion from Christ’s kingdom and the eternal death of hell**, for our freedom has the power to make choices for ever, with no turning back. However, although we can judge that an act is in itself a grave offense, we must entrust judgment of persons to the justice and mercy of God.

From the meaning of mortal sin, make sure that you have a good talk with your boyfriend that premarital sex is no small matter. God always comes first, and the will to live towards God starts now, not later. I’m really glad you understand that, since you mention you don’t want a false confession to only sin later. That’s great!
This should be a big deal to you, your faith, your wanting to follow the teachings of God’s church. Talk to your boyfriend why this is important to you, so that he may understand that even if he disagrees with the church’s teaching abstinence before marriage, that he should at least do abstinence for you. If he truly loves you, then he should also be caring to your own concerns, to listen and also be considerate of what you want.

Just have a talk with him, and make him understand that to follow your faith is important, that for the love your boyfriend has for you that he may be considerate to allow you to live out your faith.
May God lead you and your boyfriend!


#4

Call me an old lady, but if a man cannot practice abstinence while engaged to a woman, how will he be faithful on a business trip, when you are away or not feeling well. Also, if he can’t honor the guidelines of the Catholic faith, what will a half-baked Catholic marriage be like with him? What kind of father will he be?

Take a strong-but-loving stand on this. This will determine your happiness in the future.


#5

Conversion means putting Christ first above all, even family members. Christ says clearly that houses will be divided because of him. I do get the sense that St. Paul would advise you to speed up the marriage date if passions were an issue. The context is a little different in 1 COR 7:9 but there is a parallel “to be aflame with passion”.

8 To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is well for them to remain single as I do. 9 But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion.

Suggest in order:

  • Talk to your boyfriend (perhaps review together the link here … )
  • Talk to your priest

You could get married first, and enter the Church second.


#6

Try expressing some of these concerns to him to see how he reacts. It’s possible that he will be willing to work together with you on this.


#7

Thank you for the advice thus far–important note: we aren’t actually engaged at this point, so I don’t see a wedding happening in the incredibly near future (although I would in a heartbeat!)


#8

Honey,

If this guy leaves you because you desire to live in holiness and grow in faith, then you are lucky to have discovered his character BEFORE marriage.

Be bold in the faith. God is calling you to spiritual greatness.


#9

Amen!


#10

Sexual activity is indeed habit-forming and can impair a person’s judgment, so you would be prudent to refrain from such activity until such time as the Lord would will. See 4 ways pre-marital sex is harmful.


#11

Just wanted to give an update–God in his infinite love and mercy answered my prayers from the past week tonight. Before I even had the chance to say anything, my boyfriend told me he had been thinking about some of the things I had asked him last week about mortal sin and premarital sex. He went to confession this past week and spoke with the priest and realizes that he’s been trying to justify his sin rather than fleeing from it, and that he’s been unfair to God, himself, his family, and me. Before I could even bring it up, he suggested that we stop having sex for the sake of our relationship and our Faith and loyalty to God-I had been praying for God to put this on his heart, but WOW what an answer to prayer! I’m so happy, relieved, and yet somehow sad and scared–I started crying from all of the emotions. This will be very hard–we’ve been in a sexual relationship for almost 15 months, and while it’s never been the most important thing in our relationship, this will be a huge change. Please pray for me, for him, and for us that we can stay strong in our commitment to God and to each other, and please pray that this step will strengthen our relationship rather than tear it apart.


#12

This is great news! God truly does answer all our prayers :slight_smile:
Will keep you in my prayers.


#13

Thank you! I definitely need all the prayer I can get–this will be hard, but I believe this will be a great thing for us :slight_smile:


#14

I guess in your circumstances you’ve also been using contraception? If and when you marry, that will be another area of adjustment required!

Best wishes.


#15

prayed for you, God bless!


#16

Wonderful at many levels.

Not an easy thing to do but consider it a test. If abstaining from premarital sex tears up your relationship, better to maintain your holiness and faithfulness to God then give in to fleshy desires. If he left you because of the lack of sex, he’ll leave you for any number of a reasons later on. IMHO.


#17

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