affair


#1

I am struggling practicing catholic who discovered three weeks that my husband had a five month affair. I have gone to our priest who is currently counseling my husband but having a difficult time finding any kind of support group for me. I am not sure if I want to stay in the marriage as he has difficulty with not being selfish. He has been and continues to be a selfish person only wanting to satisfy himself. We have three children but they are older.


#2

If you have grounds for an annulment, go for it. You will also need a civil divorce, and make absolutely certain that you get adequate spousal support and an equitable division of property. A good attorney is a Godsend.


#3

I’m so torn, our priest is now counseling him. i’m reading books and they all say not to rush. I just don’t know if I can forgive. I know i should but it has been a difficult five years.


#4

To be very frank, I would rather live celibate and near destitute than live in a marriage knowing I was betrayed in that way. I couldn’t accept that it was anything but total disregard for me as a human being. Of course I speak from the perspective of 20 years of marriage, kids, many troubles in the past that HAVE been worked through, and I am able to support myself at least minimally. If he ever cheats on me, I KNOW it was a conscious act fully knowing the consequences. We’ve been close to splitting before over other serious issues, and if we haven’t learned what marriage is supposed to be by now (either of us), then we deserve to be on our own.

Marriage is supposed to teach us about our relationship with God. God would never cheat on us for ANY reason.

Just my perspective. Prayers for you and for your husband.


#5

This is a catholic group in support of marriage…so give it a try…hope this helps…there should be one in your parish you could contact for your situation:

retrouvaille.org/

What is a Retrouvaille Program?

The word Retrouvaille™ (pronounced re-tro-vi with a long i.) is a French word meaning rediscovery. The program offers tools needed to rediscover a loving marriage relationship. Thousands of couples headed for cold, unloving relationships or divorce have successfully overcome their marriage problems by attending the program.

The Retrouvaille Program consists of a weekend experience combined with a series of 6-12 post-weekend sessions over 3 months. It provides the tools to help put your marriage in order again. The main emphasis of the program is on communication in marriage between husband and wife. It will give you the opportunity to rediscover each other and examine your lives together in a new and positive way.

What the Program is not.

It is not a retreat, marriage counseling, or a sensitivity group. There are neither group dynamics nor group discussions on the weekend. It is not a time for hurting; it is a time for healing.

Who is it for?

It is for couples with marital problems including those who are considering marriage separation and those who are already separated or divorced that want marriage help.

Some couples come to Retrouvaille during the initial signs of a marriage problem. Other couples are in a state of despair and hopelessness when they attend the program. These latter couples often consider the Retrouvaille program their final option.

Many lawyers and judges send couples to Retrouvaille as a prerequisite to filing for a divorce or rendering final decisions. Many marriage counselors send their clients to Retrouvaille as a prerequisite to marriage counseling. These professionals know that the tools of communication in marriage taught in the program are often what couples need.

The Retrouvaille program is not designed nor intended for couples in a co-habitating relationship


#6

Dear sister.
My heart goes out to you. How horrible you must feel.
I think two things are important to take into consideration when considering seperation

  • Is your husband truly repenting from his adultery?
  • Was this a one time event or something that continued over a longer period of time?

If the answers to these are negative then I find it very difficult to advice you to stay with this man since I think he has very much degraded you and might do so again.


#7

It was a five month affair although they had to get to know each other first.....so they had been moving in that direction for a year. His behavior hasn't changed other than that he is being told by our priest to attend mass daily so that is his big contribution to repairing the marriage. I am bitter and angry and you can tell my by my posts. I always said that if my husband had an affair I would be out. But by the other token my priest is saying that to be closer to god you need to forgive and that he is willing to work with him in order to get him to change his behaviors. The problem is that I don't know if I an forgive. I am adoration chapel every night and praying for the Holy Virgin's help as I feel it is a disease in my to be so hateful.


#8

Dear sister.
You have every right to be angry. As St. Paul: You may well be angry but do not sin.
Of course one of the main reasons why Jesus wants us to “forgive those who trespass against us” is that it will also give us peace.
Did your husband himself confess his action, or did he conceal and lie about it?
Is he VERY sorry?


#9

Go slow. 1st, do nothing but pray and talk. Then, if the situation does not improve and you’ve done everything in your power to try to remedy the situation (and yes, I know you are the victim here - nonetheless this is your marriage and you should do anything you should do your best to repair it if it is possible), consider a trial seperation. Only after you’ve gone that route would I begin to consider a divorce. Affairs have ruined many marriages, but many marriages have also become stronger after affairs (not the the affair was a positive thing, but sometimes pretty flowers grow from manure).

You haven’t said much about your husband’s attitude. Does he want to split up? Has he ceased all contact with the other woman?


#10

Everything depends on his attitude. Is he truly sorry, truly taking responsibility for his actions, truly repenting, truly willing to do what is necessary to repair the damage. Is he making changes, Is he willing to go to counseling? A marriage can be repaired after infidelity, but it takes both willing to do a lot of hard work over a long period of time,


#11

Thank you for all your prayers. I am struggling everyday with anger which I know is wrong. Has anyone else been in this situation, my priest is working on getting us into counseling but we live in a very small town so resources are very very limited. I have called our diosese and they have ended the programs they had available so I'm back to my home church. Our priest wants us to counsel with someone who is a practicing catholic and I understand that but I need some serious help. I just can't be in the same room with him. It just makes me sick.


#12

Thank you for coming here and sharing your story. I am so sorry and will pray for you.

Jesus loves you so much. He knows your pain, he knows the feeling of having complete love for someone and he too was betrayed. Jesus knows the pain of betrayal. Turn to him in all things.

I cannot offer you advice on whether or not to stay in your marriage as it seems to complicated. Some things are just too deep for an internet forum. What I can tell you is turn to Jesus with your pain. You are on the cross, there with him, feeling deep pain of betrayal. He can ease your suffering if you unite it with him.

Jesus has plans for you, plans of joy! I am glad you are seeking help. I pray for the best for you in your life. Please take care as best as you can.


#13

If he is not very, very sorry and trying everything to repair the damage that he has done, then I don’t see why you have to be in the same room with him.


#14

Close but not quite. My ex was cheating, but we didn’t have children and she refused to have them. So I let her go, and now I’m happily married with children.

In your situation, the long and short of it is to follow the advice of others. To make a marriage work, both parties have to work at it. It’s natural to be angry, but being angry to the point of letting it not allowing it to work things out it not helpful. Do your best, and if it doesn’t work out, in the end you won’t be the one to blame.


#15

Forgiveness is a process. It’s not an overnight thing. You have a right to be angry and upset with your husband, and not wanting to be around him right now is COMPLETELY normal. It may take a great deal of time for you to be able to forgive him. He has seriously breached your marriage, and your trust, he needs to ask you to forgive him, and show some indication that he is going to fix his behavior. This is not all your job to fix and forgive, some effort has to come from him as well.

Pray, get counseling, and don;t expect to be able to get past this at the drop of a hat.


#16

[quote="prayers19, post:11, topic:239329"]
Thank you for all your prayers. I am struggling everyday with anger which I know is wrong. Has anyone else been in this situation, my priest is working on getting us into counseling but we live in a very small town so resources are very very limited. I have called our diosese and they have ended the programs they had available so I'm back to my home church. Our priest wants us to counsel with someone who is a practicing catholic and I understand that but I need some serious help. I just can't be in the same room with him. It just makes me sick.

[/quote]

Anger is not wrong! In fact, in this situation, NOT being angry would be wrong! Your husband has betrayed your trust! If you were not angry it would mean that you were seriously shut down in your emotions and that you almost expected him to cheat. Your anger is saying "I do not deserve this betrayal!" You do not deserve it! Your husband has done something terrible. Does he acknowledge this? Is he willing to stay with you as long as it takes for you to work through this? I mean, will he continue to be accountable, not blaming you in any way, and allowing your feelings about the betrayal...Not that you should abuse him with it, but if you still have an issue with trusting him even 6 mos. out, he should understand and still be working on it, not, "Well I SAID I was sorry, can't you get over it already??" kind of attitude.

Anger is just an emotion. It can help us recognize when we are in danger, or when someone has hurt or betrayed us. You're not a saint and God doesn't expect you do be.


#17

he says he is sorry, but I feel he is just sorry he was caught, not about the affair. On top of that he has told me because I have asked so many questions that she would never lie to him and that she was a wonderful person, blah blah blah. In order to try to get her back he told her he was drinking again (he has been a recovered alcoholic for 20 years). The only reason that I know that it ended was becase the husband found out. My eldest daughter supsected something and actually confronted him and texted the person to stay away from her father 3 months before the affair ended. So I don’t believe he will ever be over her that he had an opportunity to be with someone he really loved. which makes my marriage an entire lie.

Also thanks for letting me vent…


#18

It sounds like this was more than just a sexual affair, and that he has no intention of repenting. You might want to explore the possibility of a seperation or civil divorce.


#19

Your absolutely welcome to vent here. If this forum isn’t for that then what?

All I can tell you is God can create good from any situation and does. Although you’re “in” the situation, try to separate yourself and understand that He is working on you and him. I know it’s extremely hard to imagine, but rely on your faith. Rely in Christ, embrace the passion and trust in him that in His time, God’s will, will be revealed. This is why it’s so important to be patient. Forgiveness at this point although important, is pretty hard to fully embrace because the whole extent of the suffering hasn’t been realized. Perhaps the council by the priest will bring the results needed, and maybe not. All that matters is that you trust in your Lord to hold you through this situation and every other good and bad (as we see it) situation you may encounter in the future. See Thesselonians 5:18.

I will pray for you and your husband.


#20

Anger is a feeling. It is a human reaction. This is righteous anger in my opinion that signals you have been violated. . This was a betrayal of vows. what you choose to do with those feelings is another matter and how you act is another matter and is your free will. For example, whether you choose to do harm to him and take revenge by your actions.
You asked for a catholic counselor. Try Pastoral Solutions, they do phone counseling and are Catholic and you are in a small town so that might be your best available , Let that husband know he is to immediately end all contact with the woman, he is to go to counseling, he is to take responsibility for his choice to have an affair, it will be his job to restore trust, that means you trust him going forward based not upon his words but his actions like verifying where he is and who he is calling and such and over the course of much time, .


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