after cancer

I’m new here and really don’t know where to turn. My wife and I have been married 37 years, 8 years ago she had breast cancer. She had surgery, chemo, and radiation treatments and was cured. I was there for her from beginning to end and still am. The problem is she is on an anti-cancer drug for the rest of her life and it suppresses all desire for sex. I love my wife but we have a next to zero sex life now. I’m 57 and she’s 56, I’m not ready to live like this. We’ve talked to her cancer doctor and with her family history he doesn’t advise stopping the anti-cancer drug she’s taking. Any time I bring up the subject of sex with her she gets upset and threatens to stop taking her medicine. I don’t want her to stop the medication for fear of the cancer returning. I’m between a rock and a hard place, it’s been ongoing for 8 years now I don’t know what to do. I can’t talk to her about it, I’ve prayed about it, and still have no answers, what do I do?:frowning:

I think you guys should probably also talk to her gynecologist.

We were refered back to her cancer doctor. I think I need the wisdom of Solomon, I just can’t find a solution to this problem. It’s got to the point where I wish I’d had the cancer and died.

So, what does the oncologist suggest you do?

Will she be on the same medication for the rest of her life?

Yes she’s on the medication for the rest of her life, the doctor didn’t have an answer for us. After 8 years the stress is starting to take it’s toll on me, I really don’t know where to turn.

Hi sadmaninpain,

I am so sorry for the struggles that you have both been through.

I would recommend going to talk to your pastor as a source of help and advice, since you are feeling stressed out and don’t know where else to turn.

Prayers said for you and your wife.

God bless you both, and I hope that your wife continues to feel better.

Couple of other thoughts,

Did she have reconstruction surgery? How does she feel about her scars? How is her self image? Those could be a problem along with her meds. Her actions of not talking about sex and threatening to quit her meds, doesn’t sound like a very confident woman. Sounds like she is keeping you at arms length so she won’t get rejected. Have you tried just cuddling with no intention of sex what so ever and other things along those lines. Better to have a cuddle here and there then to have nothing. Sounds like you two need some counseling from someone who specializes in cancer survivors.

Also ask yourself this.Reverse the role, your the one who had testicle cancer, and you have survived it. But the side effect of your meds is no sex drive and you can’t get a erection? What would you expect your wife to do? She is young only 56 you know, sometimes we are dealt things in life that just doesn’t seem fair. But you are lucky because by the grace of God she is doing well and is alive by your side.

So lessen the focus on sex, and focus more on the beauty of life and the rest will come in time.

Prayers for you and your wife.

She and I are fine with how she looks, she had a partial done. And yes I’ve just cuddled for most of 8 years. I thank God everyday that she’s still alive. I do know my way around a women’s body and how to make things click I would stand on my head and whistle dixy if that’s what it took to pleasure my wife… I’m not a fat slob that let themselves go either. 6 ft tall and 170lbs and still have all my hair too. I just don’t know what to do…

Praying for you and your wife to find your way through this.

Memorare

REMEMBER, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thy intercession was left unaided. Inspired with this confidence, I fly to thee, O Virgin of virgins, my Mother; to thee do I come; before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me. Amen.

Praying for the intentions of you & your wife in sickness & in health. Praying to St. Peregrine for the continued health & recovery of your wife.

Cancer.org has a whole section on sexuality during and after chemo. It might help. I also wondered if you were hooked into a survivorship program. It is now a requirement for cancer centers to provide surviorship care. These are typically run by nurse navigators who have years of experience working in oncology and certification on a national level.They work with patients to adjust to life after treatment. Also does your wife’s cancer center have a bosom buddies program. There women get together and talk about their experiences and solutions. I would keep looking if I were you. Some doctors are great at medicine but don’t always have tthe time or inclination to deal with the psychosocial aspects of illness. Look for a nurse practitioner or physicians assistant. They tend. to be educated more towards patient education and supportive therapies. Good luck.

Also cancer.net had some very good advice.

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