Age related dilema


#1

My 19 yr old son just announced to me yesterday that he’s going out with a 29 yr old woman.

Today, he asked that I meet her, I flatly refused. I’m being accused of being close minded. I agreed with him. In this situation, I am being close minded as I can’t see anything right about a 29 year old woman even finding interest in a 19 yr old.

I’m not being rational about this right?


#2

My opinion would be to just meet her and see how you like her, but don’t go in with a negative attitude.


#3

I don’t blame you for being skeptical. There is a huge difference between 10 years at 19 and 29 and 10 years at, say, 45 and 55.

However, I’d say you’re probably going to have better luck expressing your concerns and going along with it (after all, legally he is an adult). At least you can meet her and have some solid complaints against her… or there’s always the off chance she’s a great gal who happens not to care so much about age. Maybe your son is just really mature :stuck_out_tongue: .


#4

You may be right, however I would fear that might galvanize his desire to see her. He could rebel saying, “I’m an adult, I’ll see who I want to see.”

I think I’d just stay cool, meet her and be nice. I’ll bet it’ll blow over.


#5

I can’t be too judgemental–10 years is the age difference b/t my husband and myself. BUT, I was 23 and self sufficient when we started dating, not 19 and (I’m guessing) living at home. I tend to agree with the other posters, most likely this will blow over, maybe he’s just trying to get you riled up. It’s up to you to decide how much of a fuss you want to make of it. Good luck!


#6

Since your son is an adult, you might as well meet her. My youngest is 19, and it seems to me that the more I know about what she is involved in (with her consent, of course), the better position I would be in should she ever turn to me for help or guidance if things go awry.

I’ll be 60 in November, but I remember when I was 19. I’m first to admit that I didn’t know then nearly as much as I thought I did at the time, but I also remember being commissioned a Flying Officer (1st Lieutenant for US readers) in the Royal Canadian Air Force. It happened when I was 19, so there seemed to be more happening than just chronology.

Blessings,

Gerry


#7

With rare exception, this not being one of them, I would urge you to never refuse meeting someone your ds knows - dating or otherwise. It puts you out of his life more than them and leaves a rift between parent and child long after they are gone. It’s not worth it.


#8

Yes, I knew I was overeacting.

I’ve already got alot of backtracking to do (I wrote this message AFTER having a run in with him). It’s a good thing that we didn’t go as far as yelling over it but I did say a few things that I regret.

I wonder what I can now do to smooth out the situation.

My problem is, that I could never behave in such a manner that it would show that I don’t mind that a woman is interested in “kids”. Yes, legally he’s an adult, I know that, but YUK! What possesses a woman to want to get involved with a person that’s still in his teens?

Ok, breathing in, breathing out… whew! My son went and told her everything I said about her (when I found out he was dating her)… then blamed ME for hurting her feelings. I told him that he should have told her that I wasn’t ready to meet her, that I didn’t approve and that it might take some time to warm me up, rather than tell her all the juicy details of our conversation. That is the level of maturity he’s at right now. Now how do I fix this with my son, and ultimately, with this woman? She knows that I was vehemently opposed, that I thought there was something wrong with her thinking, that I called him “practically a victim of pedophilia” etc! Ugh! I have a big mouth!

I’m almost positive they’re sexually active, and I’ve warned him that sometimes some women feel their biological clock ticking and may feel that a naive person could give them a child if they don’t have anyone older that is interested. I’m sure he told her this as well.

You know, I have put myself in a precarious position with my anger, but how to “fix” it now?


#9

Tell him that you have had time to calm down and, having thought it over, you realise how wrong of you not to get to know the woman.

Who knows, you might find lots of things to talk about with her that she is unable to discuss with you son. When she was 20 he was only ten. There must be a lot of topics that that he would not be able to relate to that she, as a mature older woman would.

Just be friendly and keep the lines of communication open. If he doesn’t have to get on the defensive he won’t have to prove anything to you or himself.


#10

[quote=Loboto-Me]Yes, I knew I was overeacting.

I’ve already got alot of backtracking to do (I wrote this message AFTER having a run in with him). It’s a good thing that we didn’t go as far as yelling over it but I did say a few things that I regret.

I wonder what I can now do to smooth out the situation.

My problem is, that I could never behave in such a manner that it would show that I don’t mind that a woman is interested in “kids”. Yes, legally he’s an adult, I know that, but YUK! What possesses a woman to want to get involved with a person that’s still in his teens?

Ok, breathing in, breathing out… whew! My son went and told her everything I said about her (when I found out he was dating her)… then blamed ME for hurting her feelings. I told him that he should have told her that I wasn’t ready to meet her, that I didn’t approve and that it might take some time to warm me up, rather than tell her all the juicy details of our conversation. That is the level of maturity he’s at right now. Now how do I fix this with my son, and ultimately, with this woman? She knows that I was vehemently opposed, that I thought there was something wrong with her thinking, that I called him “practically a victim of pedophilia” etc! Ugh! I have a big mouth!

I’m almost positive they’re sexually active, and I’ve warned him that sometimes some women feel their biological clock ticking and may feel that a naive person could give them a child if they don’t have anyone older that is interested. I’m sure he told her this as well.

You know, I have put myself in a precarious position with my anger, but how to “fix” it now?
[/quote]

Call her, or approach them when they’re together and say that you’re afraid you got off on the wrong foot and would like to start over, if they’re willing. Simplicity and humility often do the trick.


#11

If she is 29 she should be mature enough to know the mother of a 19 year old would not be happy about the situation…oh, wait…that is assuming she is sane enough not to DATE A 19 year old in the FIRST place.

I am just goofy enough to call her up, apologize, invite her over and then say, "So, what do you have in common with a 19 year old boy besides lots of sex? Is he any good? "

But then again, she might answer you…

that’s the problem, you are dealing with someone who doesn’t seem to show real good judgement about her own life.

I always find it odd that people who insist that what they do and feel and believe be accepted will never accept or respect what other people feel or believe…and I think you do have the right to tell them how you think and believe in a loving, Catholic Christian way and then treat them with good manners so that when your son (hopefully) either comes to his senses OR if this turns out to be the love of his life and the two of them decide to have a life together you can be a great witness to what a life of holiness in the Church can be for a married couple.

And then make your Jesus Box and start writing…


#12

I have a friend who married a much older woman when he was young. They are still happily married and he is in his 40’s. His parents, his mother in particular, has not spoken to him for decades as a result. The parents are now very old and may very well die without reconciling with their son over a choice he made and is very happy with. I pray for these people every day.

Now in this case the woman in question was a wonderful person. This may not be so in your case - but it is something to consider.


#13

[quote=koda]I have a friend who married a much older woman when he was young. They are still happily married and he is in his 40’s. His parents, his mother in particular, has not spoken to him for decades as a result. The parents are now very old and may very well die without reconciling with their son over a choice he made and is very happy with. I pray for these people every day.

Now in this case the woman in question was a wonderful person. This may not be so in your case - but it is something to consider.
[/quote]

VERY good point…because really, we never know what God has planned for us…


#14

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