AHH! another vent/parent issue!


#1

Heylo!!..

well.. I have another big issue happening in my life at the moment. So, im sorry, if this comes out as being a partial vent.

Well, for those of you who dont no me, im a first year uni student. So im 19. and for the sake of the story - my family and I are pretty strong in our faith. But.. moving on. This year, has been a big stepping stone for me. Since, iv had to get out of being spoon fed and become more independent - i.e. with getting myself to uni (which is 1.5hrs from home by bus&train) in contrast to High skool (where i got dropped off and my hs was only 5mins from my place). umm... and other examples including, iv tried to become less dependent on my parents in terms of transport and also on the emotional level (as in, less venting to them about issues and assigns..)mmm.. however, the real problem is.

That they still treat me like a child.

One typical example is that they dont let me go out with my uni friends to a pub or a night club in the evenings (btw - i dont plan on getting drunk or laid or any of that..). However, these friends that i go with are very trustworthy. As in, none of them do drugs, smoke or get drunk. I've introduced them to my family, but my mother will only let me go out with them, if she knows their mother or my friends extremely well.

but the think that really ticks me off, is that, when my eldest brother was my age - he was allowed to do whatever he pleased, regardless if my mother knew his friends or not. So, in contrast to him, my other older brother and me are not treated in the same way. We are I guess, seen as the 'irresponisble' children in the family and this is due to - a) me, being the messsy child i.e. messy room & lack of helping out wif chores b) my other brother being the one that struggles at getting good grades in uni.

so basically, my eldest brother (the, one who is the 'responsible' one) has never ever broken boundaries with my parents, in terms of going out or having a girl friend, has left me to do the work. Which, in my opinion is sh*t. Coz only a few days ago, I brought up these issues with my mother and she had a yelling fight with me about it.

So, pretty much............... she thinks "im in the wrong". and btw - i brought this up with my spiritual director about 4 months ago. and she suggested if I found it impacted on me quite a bit, I should bring it up with my mother. so i did. and omgosh.. it did nothing..

I'm trying to become more independent in terms of getting my license to drive and getting a job so i can show her that. She can let me go. But honestly, im seriously going insane. I hate it how my mother wont let me go without being un-supervised. This trust issue and over-protectiveness is really getting to me.

omgosh.. and I hate it how my eldest brother ('responsible one') never ever broke any boundaries.. and now has left it to the younger ones to look after. far out, i cant even imagine when my mother will allow us to actually go out on dates etc etc.

help! any good words of advice..?!..
or what can I do, to show my mother that it is alright to let me go out..? and that not all the time, she can control my environment...
Do you think talking to my mum helped..?! ah!


#2

My parents were the same way, but my solution was to make sure I went to university far far away from them. :o Talking to them about those issues did nothing either, so eventually I just had to write them both off as hopeless causes. I think I would have gone insane if I continued to live with my parents all through college. Is it too late for you to transfer to a different school by any chance?


#3

The Catechism would be a big help here. It tells us when we are permitted to STOP obeying our parents (hint, it has nothing to do with being 19 or going to "uni" or any of that...) Emancipation - when you are on your own and paying your own way in the world - THEN you can go out to pubs on school nights and not worry about what mom says.

Work hard, get a good job and get on your own feet. Until then, the moral thing to do is to obey your parents.

scborromeo.org/ccc/para/2217.htm

**2217 **As long as a child lives at home with his parents, the child should obey his parents in all that they ask of him when it is for his good or that of the family. "Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord." Children should also obey the reasonable directions of their teachers and all to whom their parents have entrusted them. But if a child is convinced in conscience that it would be morally wrong to obey a particular order, he must not do so.

As they grow up, children should continue to respect their parents. They should anticipate their wishes, willingly seek their advice, and accept their just admonitions. Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them. This respect has its roots in the fear of God, one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit.


#4

Your parents are the way they are, maybe there is a chance that you can talk to them and convince them to give you more freedom.

The best solution to this problem however is to move out. Can you take out loans and live on campus? A 1.5 hour one way commute is pretty long. It might mean getting into debt, and that is something you have to consider. What are you majoring in? Will the job you get in the profession pay well? If so, don't worry about debt, and even if your parents won't help you take out a loan and move out.

That said, I am saying this under the assumption that it is really unbearable to live with your parents. Are there other solutions? Do you have to tell them where you are going? Why don't you tell them you are working on a group project and go hang out with your friends? No, it's not honest, but at the same time your parents are not behaving reasonably and it might be a compromise solution to moving out.


#5

Ugh, please don't do the "I'm studying with my friends" bit. It will only take coming home smelling like smoke and alcohol once (even if you and your friends neither smoke nor drink, other people at those places surely do) to completely destroy whatever trust your parents do have in you and make them feel entirely justified in keeping you on social lockdown indefinitely. Dishonesty is never a solution.


#6

Child, until you have a job and can be relied on to pay your rent and bills on time without needing a bailout from Daddy, you are going to be in this situation.

Once you have a year or two of University under your belt, getting a decent-paying part time job will be easy, and in the meantime, get a low-paying job and sock your little tiny paycheques away into an ING savings account - this will ensure that you have a down payment and first month’s rent ready to go as soon as you feel confident enough to fly the nest. :slight_smile:

Meanwhile - clean up your room, do your homework, help out with the chores around the house without having to be asked to (ie: notice the sink full of dirty dishes and wash them, just as if you were the Mom), and stay away from boys who drink. :wink:


#7

I agree with everyone here. If you live in their house and are reliant on them for housing and money, then you play by their rules. Whether or not you think it is fair isn’t really the point. You’re called to obedience. If you’ve tried talking with your mom about it and she didn’t listen, then I would be inclined to drop the issue. As the issues you’re having aren’t really that big of a deal in the grand scheme of life.

Also, perhaps in regards to your older brother, she saw how he didn’t do well at school and now is trying to help you out. Perhaps she’s trying to keep you getting good grades. You can’t always assume the worst, I’m sure she loves you and is trying to help you out, even if you don’t see it.


#8

No one can defeat you, except you let it yourself.
Do not let others to push you down.
And of course, stay in control. Being out of control is one of the worst feelings in the world, sometimes even worse than pain. It is its own kind of pain.


#9

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