Ok. My first confession was last Saturday. Now I’m freaked that I might be in mortal sin, meaning I can’t receive my first communion - which I’ve been waiting for a year and a half! And now I hear that the Church doesn’t practice any Sacraments until next Monday! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Ok. Since my first Confession, I have tried SO hard to be perfect. I felt so clean that I immediately became intensely scrupulous, having a difficult distinguishing minor matter from grave. So I got really scared, hurt, and angry at myself when I caught myself swearing (a bad habit), going 4-10mph over the speed limit (another bad habit), raising my voice at people (my mom and wife included), losing patience, letting a tempting thought (especially lust-oriented) sit in my head for too long, participating in dirty jokes or lewd behavior at work…I even got nervous that I was lusting after my own wife!!! Now, when I noticed what I was doing in any of these cases, I immediately stopped, felt bad, and prayed about it - that also counts for this following situation; and this is the situation that has me most concerned: yesterday, at work, (I work in a warehouse full of VERY secular men and you can imagine the atmosphere) some guy was looking for pics of women to lust after on the internet. I reminded him he shouldn’t be doing that. But then - I have NO idea why - I mentioned a girl’s name to type into Google that I knew would produce porn. I actually got this guy to type it in and when the pics popped up, I looked at them for a couple seconds (enjoying it) and then my eyes widened in shock and horror at what I had done. I’m pretty sure I literally jumped away and started yelling “I can’t believe I just did that! UGH!!!”
I’m telling you, my mind must have been absolutely BLANK during those few seconds that I suggested that and helped another guy fall. I haven’t dwelled in thought on what I saw and I haven’t been impure with myself. But I’m really down for what happened. I think it was like I was caught up in the humor of the moment or something…at that warehouse, there has always been a habit of this kind of stuff and I’ve become very desensitized and used to it. It just happens without me thinking. Now I’m freaked out and depressed that I can’t get to confession and might have to abstain from my first communion at Easter vigil!
Am I in mortal sin???