Akward adoption situation


#1

I am a biological child. My siblings were all adopted as well as a lot of cousins on my dad's side of the family. There was this one uncle we use to see all the time and his kids were all adopted. I always felt adopted kids had the life because they were treated so much better than me and my parents were always stricter on me to ensure no one would accuse them of favoring the 'real' one.

Well...... Here is my issue and please see it from my perspective. One of my adoptive cousin's brother contacted me a few months ago looking for my cousin. He only knows her maiden name which is why he never found her. I told him that I would give my cousin his number and let her make all the decision. I did what I though was right and refused to give him any other information.

Well, this guys wife called me for an update. I take that to mean my cousin did not contact her biological brother. Apparently this man was really upsets and needed to find his sister. During both calls they cried on my shoulder about how hard this all was for them. And the process they had to go through just to get her name after she was adopted and blah blah blah.

Well...... Right now I resent that they unloaded on me with absolutely no desire to hear my side and how being the only biological kid came with a price tag

But what brings me to tears as I write that, is all of my siblings and lots of my cousin's have a 'second' family they can contact and I don't. They could all jump ship and have someone to go and I don't. It hurts that all these people could mistreat me and if they choose, they can leave and possibly have another family. I would be insanely jealous of any relationship any of them built with their biological family. I have no say in the matter because it is THEIR family. Yet again, the non-adopted person gets the short end of the stick and can't do a thing about it. It hurts

CM


#2

This sounds very upsetting... I've never been in your situation... so won't claim any of that.

Should the bio brother contact you again, you don't need them to understand your role as the only biological child. Your loyalty lies with your cousin. He could be a total wack job. You have no idea if he is her real brother or not. And you tell him so. "I'm sorry, but I will not release her private information to you, a stranger." I WILL give her the information. And you need to respect her desire to contact you or not. I'm sure this painful. It is for all of us."

With regard to feeling potentially abondonded. Well, truly that could happen with any relationship regardless of blood relations. I've sadly watched my father's brother turn away from his entire family. Turning only to his wife and children. He's written all of us off. It's quite sad. Which means there is no closeness with the cousins and their children. Drama exists everywhere regardless of actual blood relations.

You might want to step back a minute and re-read.. the COULD mistreat you then run off to another family...

The COULD just get curious about their biological roots, and add more people to the family.

You also sound like you're the oldest... your part in being the child whose parents are most stern with... falls on all of the oldest children. Biology has little to do with... perhaps it did for them... But I think the oldest of most families can relate to you!

I'm sure this was stressful. I would talk with your siblings and let them know your concern. And let them know that if they should search out their biological parents that you'd like to be a part of that too. There are NO guarantees they will be graciously accepted by their parents or biological brothers and sisters. In fact, your cousin is showing you right now how she doesn't want to be found by her brother (just yet anyway). I worked with a woman, whose biological daughter found her. She met her, and will tell you herself, she doesn't like her. They have nothing in common. She has ZERO maternal feelings for her. Can you imagine the double rejections? First at birth, then as an adult.

I hope you are able to come to a place of "safety" with your family... Because they are your family regardless of biology... And if there has been nothing but love... that's what will remain!


#3

I'm sorry, CM. You're in my prayers.


#4

((((Hugs))))


#5

Your parents love you. They're not perfect, but they never had to give you up and you haven't lost them. You are going to be happier if you let go of the difficulties and give thanks for the blessings you have. Do you have reason to complain? I don't doubt that you do. What you describe sounds rough. Will you ever get enough sympathy for that to make it a source of happiness? No way. Gratitude makes us happy. Grief is something to go through honestly and then leave behind like a scab that has served its use.

It does not matter one bit if you or your adoptive siblings or their siblings have more to feel grief about. It isn't a competition. You're carrying grief about your childhood. Get someone to help you leave it behind. I am not saying you don't have a real wound! I'm saying quite the opposite, in fact. If a wound doesn't clear up on its own, you get someone in the healing arts to help you drain it of infection, to help it close. We need to be patient with the inescapable hurts of this life, we need to be willing to suffer if pursuit of the good requires it, but we are not required to keep suffering from a wound that won't heal properly. We are allowed to seek help. We are allowed to let go of the things that hurt us without use.

As for your sister's siblings, you have done what you can. You did the right thing, but you can't do much more than what you have. You can tell your sister's brother that. You do not have to apologize. You can ask him not to contact you any more, except to leave forwarding addresses with you, should he change his address, in case your sister changes her mind, or to have you pass on news of family milestones or emergencies she might decide she wants to know about one day. That, and telling him when you move, of course, would be very decent of you, and will not go without its reward.


#6

Next time they call you if they do tell them you have passed on the information and it's up to your relative to decide weather they want to be in contact with their biological family or not. It sounds like they are trying to guilt trip you or manipulate you into giving them what they want which isn't fair. Frankly after the last conversation I would refuse any further phone calls and I would definitely let your adopted relative know how they tried to manipulate you....that was uncalled for and totally wrong of them regardless of their suffering. :thumbsup:


#7

I think you need to realize this is not about you. I don't want to be rude, but, it is really not about you.

I think you need to seek some counseling for your feelings. You seem to have this rose colored view of what it is like to be an adoptee.

Admittedly I am an adoptee. So I come from that side.

You don't know the circumstance of how these children came to be adopted. They may have suffered HORRENDOUS abuse at the hands of their parents and still have scares to this day. OR, they were given up for adoption as infants, and left to wonder when they were growing up, why wasn't they were not good enough to be loved by my birth parents. In either case, they are constantly reminded by everyone around them of how lucky they are or how blessed they are to have been adopted. And yes, that may have been a blessing but to constantly be reminded of that fact adds to the feelings that there was something wrong with them. You talk about some magical second family... many many times, this is not the case. There were problems to begin with that caused the adoption... they don't go away.

So please, just pass on the message like you say you will and let your cousin do with it what she will. That is all you can do. But really understand it is not about you.


#8

As an adopted person myself I see how your sibilings want the "joyful reunion" with their biological families...even if your family was very good.

The firs and most important thing you need to do. LET GO of your childhood resentment of having your parents being "fair". Especally if you don't have kids, it is difficult for you to understand how you sometimes have to sacrifice time, money, and attention for the sake of the other child. This can happen in adoption situations where the child has additional needs or with a handicapped child...for instance the sibiling of a child with down's sindrome may have alot more required of them at a younger age. My cousins, were 10, 8, 7 and 5 when their youngest sibiling was born. The family had alot more responsibility and the children got alot less parental attention and had to help out around the house more. Often it wasn't "fair" but now that they are older (20, 18, 17 and 15) and the "baby" is 10 they are a good family unit. They didn't get to go to the 18yo's freshman parent day because the little one had a health crisis, and it wasn't fair..but that's life.

Back to the adoption. More than likely your sibilings and cousins are about to set out on a very painful journey that will leave them burnt out and with a bitter taste. They may find a wonderful aunt or a comrade in a cousin, but 90% of the time things like this turn into a disaster.

And family is what you make of it. I have my adopted family, I have scattered members of my biological family, I have a youth-minister and his family who saw me through some really rough times whom I consider my uncle, (and aunt and cousins). I have a wonderful woman in a third order that I consider my aunt (along with the rest of her family). I have two persons in religious life that are the people I trust most in the world. They are my family, each and every one of them. And if I am blessed to be married, that man will be my family, too, and his family also mine.

These people may want to include you. I have welcomed every member of family that has ever come along although some without the grace I now adhere to. At the same time, these people haven't been very respectful of your protecting your cousin (wheither for the right reason or not) and it may be an indication of the chaos that their life will fall into when contact is made.


#9

[quote="faithfully, post:2, topic:215231"]

You also sound like you're the oldest... your part in being the child whose parents are most stern with... falls on all of the oldest children. Biology has little to do with... perhaps it did for them... But I think the oldest of most families can relate to you!

!

[/quote]

Wrong, I am the youngest, so that throws your theory away


#10

[quote="msumissa, post:7, topic:215231"]
I think you need to realize this is not about you. I don't want to be rude, but, it is really not about you.

I think you need to seek some counseling for your feelings. You seem to have this rose colored view of what it is like to be an adoptee.

Admittedly I am an adoptee. So I come from that side.

.

[/quote]

With all due respect, you have proven the whole point of my resentment. There is tonnes of sympathy out there for the children that were adopted. So much that society keeps pushing to make it easier for people to find their birth parents. All you cared to do was mention how hard it was for you to be adopted. I NEVER negated the pain an adopted child goes through. I simply asked for equal consideration to go to the biological child who was the only one who wasn't adopted. You made it crystal clear I don't deserve any sympathy which proves my whole original point

CM


#11

I'm sorry, but I really don't see where you've gotten "the short end of the stick." Did your parents abuse you? Neglect you? Kick you out in favor of the adopted kids?

So, the adoptees have another family -- POTENTIALLY. Only potentially. Have you ever considered what it would be like to grow up wondering why your parents didn't keep you? Did they not want you? Did you do something that made them give you up?

There are a zillion "this or that could happen" situations out there for all of us. If we spend our lives crying about everything someone else has, we'll never live our own lives.

[quote="cmscms, post:1, topic:215231"]

But what brings me to tears as I write that, is all of my siblings and lots of my cousin's have a 'second' family they can contact and I don't. They could all jump ship and have someone to go and I don't. It hurts that all these people could mistreat me and if they choose, they can leave and possibly have another family. I would be insanely jealous of any relationship any of them built with their biological family. I have no say in the matter because it is THEIR family. Yet again, the non-adopted person gets the short end of the stick and can't do a thing about it. It hurts

CM

[/quote]


#12

I'm sorry this is so hard on you. I can see how there might have been a difference in the way the kids were treated, and especially with you being the only biological child in the family, it makes even more sense. Some people are prone to overcompensate and end up hurting the ones they love in the process - sounds like this happened to you. I think that sometimes parents do make these decisions that result in one child being "favored" over another, or one being given more attention. And maybe the one who got more attention needed it more. But maybe the one whose needs weren't as urgent ended up getting much less than they should've. It's not fair. I bet you were that kid from your parents' perspective. I was that kid in my family, and I really do think my needs were neglected. It stinks, I know. However, our parents are flawed themselves, and their mistakes come from their own problems. It's good to come to terms with your parents' humanity so you can forgive them for mistakes (even the big ones) that were probably well-intentioned, even though they backfired.

[quote="cmscms, post:1, topic:215231"]

But what brings me to tears as I write that, is all of my siblings and lots of my cousin's have a 'second' family they can contact and I don't. They could all jump ship and have someone to go and I don't. It hurts that all these people could mistreat me and if they choose, they can leave and possibly have another family. I would be insanely jealous of any relationship any of them built with their biological family. I have no say in the matter because it is THEIR family. Yet again, the non-adopted person gets the short end of the stick and can't do a thing about it. It hurts

[/quote]

Another perspective for you to consider: did you ever have a childhood friend whose parents were divorced and remarried? Did you ever think that that friend had it so great because they "got to" live in two households, and they "got to" have twice the parents to come to recitals and to give them love/attention? Or if you didn't have that friend, have you ever seen a TV show that romaticized that sort of a family situation? You probably are aware though, of how difficult divorce is on a child. And how no matter how nice the two houses or the step parents are, that almost every child of divorce has as his deepest desire for his parents would get back together again and that they could be a real family, and for them not to be split down the middle between the two households. Turns out the reality isn't nearly as nice as the made-for-tv image. Well of course adoption is a good thing, while divorce and remarriage usually is not. But from the child's perspective, I wonder if it's all that different. While you see the advantage of having extra family members, are there really all that many adopted children who are peachy-keen with the two-family situation? My guess is that there are problems either from the biological side, or problems that the adopted child had because of the psychological toll that it seems to take - that would make most adopted kids yearn to have a simple story like yours.

I don't say that to sing the song of the adopted side. But I think that you might be idealizing this "two family benefit" that your adopted relatives have, while in fact, you really may have the better deal. At least when it comes to that one issue, more is usually not better.

You mention "Jumping ship" - are things that bad in your family that you think your siblings/cousins would do that? Or do you seriously want to jump ship?


#13

[quote="cmscms, post:9, topic:215231"]
Wrong, I am the youngest, so that throws your theory away

[/quote]

Well, this statement proves that... For sure... Sorry... It was just a guess. Usually the oldest have the hardest set of rules.


#14

[quote="cmscms, post:10, topic:215231"]
With all due respect, you have proven the whole point of my resentment. There is tonnes of sympathy out there for the children that were adopted. So much that society keeps pushing to make it easier for people to find their birth parents. All you cared to do was mention how hard it was for you to be adopted. I NEVER negated the pain an adopted child goes through. I simply asked for equal consideration to go to the biological child who was the only one who wasn't adopted. You made it crystal clear I don't deserve any sympathy which proves my whole original point

CM

[/quote]

You do deserve sympathy, but you deserve even more to let this hurt go. Resentment will rot you from the inside out. Finding someone who will validate that you really do hurt is only the first step. Don't stop this process until you find someone who can help you get beyond it. That is where you want to be, trust me.


#15

[quote="agnes_therese, post:11, topic:215231"]
I'm sorry, but I really don't see where you've gotten "the short end of the stick." Did your parents abuse you? Neglect you? Kick you out in favor of the adopted kids?
.

[/quote]

I put in my post that adopted children were treated better and my parents were stricker than me. I do not feel the need to go into more detail on the internet. If you still don't see how I got the shorter end of the stick there is not much more I am willing to do to prove it.

CM


#16

[quote="ThyKingdomCome, post:12, topic:215231"]

Another perspective for you to consider: did you ever have a childhood friend whose parents were divorced and remarried? Did you ever think that that friend had it so great because they "got to" live in two households, and they "got to" have twice the parents to come to recitals and to give them love/attention? Or if you didn't have that friend, have you ever seen a TV show that romaticized that sort of a family situation? You probably are aware though, of how difficult divorce is on a child. And how no matter how nice the two houses or the step parents are, that almost every child of divorce has as his deepest desire for his parents would get back together again and that they could be a real family, and for them not to be split down the middle between the two households. Turns out the reality isn't nearly as nice as the made-for-tv image. Well of course adoption is a good thing, while divorce and remarriage usually is not. But from the child's perspective, I wonder if it's all that different. While you see the advantage of having extra family members, are there really all that many adopted children who are peachy-keen with the two-family situation? My guess is that there are problems either from the biological side, or problems that the adopted child had because of the psychological toll that it seems to take - that would make most adopted kids yearn to have a simple story like yours.

[/quote]

I totally understand the point you are trying to make. The only thing that is really frustrating me about a lot of the replies is the idea that 'I should look at it from other's point of view'. If they want sympathy for their situation, they are free to start their own thread. I just don't understand why my needs are being considered less important than others. How often have you told people from divorced families 'Look at it this way, some biological child has only adopted siblings and cousins and it is very hard for her to be a minority.' Probably never ! So why is my situation so often passed off as nothing to complain about

[quote="ThyKingdomCome, post:12, topic:215231"]
You mention "Jumping ship" - are things that bad in your family that you think your siblings/cousins would do that? Or do you seriously want to jump ship?

[/quote]

The point is they have that option and I don't. They have a better spot in my family and an option


#17

Have you tried to address your pain over this situation with a counselor? Nothing can be done to undo the past. All you can work with is the now and the future.

I am also an adoptee but wasn't told, so all my childhood I thought my sister and I were biologically related and related to my parents. My sister developed cancer when I was 11 and died when I was 13. My mom became mentally ill and remained so all my teen years. I found out I was adopted by accident while looking for my birth certificate when I was 18 and and was a few weeks away from getting married.

To say my mom handled my discovery poorly is an understatement. It was discovered when I was 7 months old that I had a severe heart condition. The day I discovered I was adopted she said I should be grateful because a lot of people told her when my parents found out I was sick she should have given me back.:eek: Nice huh? Gee thanks for taking pity on the poor, pitiful, sickly orphan. My mom was feeling threatened and probably afraid of rejection.

My point is your childhood can not be changed. The fact that you have adopted siblings can not be changed. The fact that they have other biological relations can not be changed. The only thing we have control of in our lives is how we deal with life and the things the things that happen that are not in our control. I had some pretty horrendous teenage years -and it took time to work through it. I still love my parents -even though they are imperfect, don't always get it right and my mom, even though she is better, still has mental break downs.

So first I would suggest asking God to help you forgive your parents failings, and to help dissolve the bitterness and jealousy you feel toward your adopted siblings. Then I would suggest seeking a counselor to help you work through it all. Your feelings, your pain is real -but to keep holding on to it -only harms you further and keeps you from freely living a life that you do have control over.

God bless, you are in my prayers.


#18

[quote="cmscms, post:16, topic:215231"]
I totally understand the point you are trying to make. The only thing that is really frustrating me about a lot of the replies is the idea that 'I should look at it from other's point of view'. If they want sympathy for their situation, they are free to start their own thread. I just don't understand why my needs are being considered less important than others. How often have you told people from divorced families 'Look at it this way, some biological child has only adopted siblings and cousins and it is very hard for her to be a minority.' Probably never ! So why is my situation so often passed off as nothing to complain about

[/quote]

I'm not intending to make you look at it from their point of view, or say that you should feel bad for them. What I'm saying is that what you are identifying as a diamond (or maybe just a pretty cubic zirconium) may actually be a lump of coal, and not worth feeling jealous of.

Really, I do sympathize with your situation. I don't think people need to ever play the game of "who has it worst" to be worthy of validating your pain. We shouldn't need you to prove that you really did have it worse than your adopted siblings/cousins. Your suffering is still your suffering. By the same token, I think that for you to move forward, you might have to set their situations aside in your own mind too - this is hard to do when a bio-relative keeps pestering you about your cousin. It may be right that counseling would help you sort through what has happened so that you can put the situations of your siblings aside and focus on bettering your own situation. Or maybe right now, you're not at the stage of wanting someone to tell you what to do, and you really just need a sympathetic ear. In that case, (((HUGS))).


#19

Catechism of the Catholic Church:

2539 Envy is a capital sin. It refers to the sadness at the sight of another’s goods and the immoderate desire to acquire them for oneself, even unjustly. When it wishes grave harm to a neighbor it is a mortal sin:

St. Augustine saw envy as "the diabolical sin."326 "From envy are born hatred, detraction, calumny, joy caused by the misfortune of a neighbor, and displeasure caused by his prosperity."327

2540 Envy represents a form of sadness and therefore a refusal of charity; the baptized person should struggle against it by exercising good will. Envy often comes from pride; the baptized person should train himself to live in humility:

Would you like to see God glorified by you? Then rejoice in your brother’s progress and you will immediately give glory to God. Because his servant could conquer envy by rejoicing in the merits of others, God will be praised.328

You have given in to an immoderate sadness that your siblings have had things that you have not had, and now you are claiming that sadness as your right. It is not your right. There is no sin in feeling the pain, but clinging to a sadness because others enjoy goods that you do not have* is an offense against charity*. Your pain is real, but you may not use it as an excuse to harbor envy and resentment without suffering deadly harm to your spirit. I do mean that it is a deadly path: even the secular world knows this!

Do you know the story of how wild monkeys used to be captured? The hunters would find a coconut and put a hole in it the size of the monkey’s hand. Then they would put something inside the coconut, a piece of candy or something else the monkey would covet. Their victims would come and put their hands in the coconut traps, but having grasped their prizes they would find that their fists would not come out of the traps. Yet the hunters could catch them easily, because a monkey only rarely let go of what he was determined to have, even though it prevented his escape and doomed him to lose his freedom.

The evil one is using your past hurt to lay a trap for you. Get help if you need to, but please, for the sake of your eternal welfare, let this go.

That little prize your pursuer is offering you in his trap is a fake, as well. You have an emptiness you are trying to fill, but he is trying to exploit your pain by offering you a false consolation. This resentment you are defending will never make you happy! Seek God, who will give you a real consolation, instead.


#20

[quote="cmscms, post:1, topic:215231"]
I am a biological child. My siblings were all adopted as well as a lot of cousins on my dad's side of the family. There was this one uncle we use to see all the time and his kids were all adopted. I always felt adopted kids had the life because they were treated so much better than me and my parents were always stricter on me to ensure no one would accuse them of favoring the 'real' one.
...
But what brings me to tears as I write that, is all of my siblings and lots of my cousin's have a 'second' family they can contact and I don't. They could all jump ship and have someone to go and I don't. It hurts that all these people could mistreat me and if they choose, they can leave and possibly have another family. I would be insanely jealous of any relationship any of them built with their biological family. ...
CM

[/quote]

(((((((CM))))))))!!! I just want to hug you. I am so sorry for your pain. Like Easterjoy, your pain here is what struck me most, too. And CM, you are right to be annoyed with folks here who are not validating you pain. But have pity on their ignorance. They just don't understand what its like to have such a deep, deep wound.

You probably sourced your pain correctly - "my parents were always stricter on me to ensure no one would accuse them of favoring the 'real' one". Whether it is a matter of them worrying about what others might accuse them of (this is shallow! But possible) or that they simply overcompensated in their own inner need to not favor you - whatever the reason,* they wounded you*, deep in the heart. They did not love you as they should as parents, and your spirit knows it. Your spirit is wounded.

Your parents are sinners like all of us and they carry their own unhealed personal wounds from their own parents, and others in their early life, which contributed to their being unable to love you as they ought.

Perhaps you've tried to tell them that, to no avail, and perhaps no one ever saw or ever validated your pain (instead, they told you that you should feel sorry for the pain of those adopted ones, and you should feel grateful for your state in life...). :nope: I think the devil puts those ideas in peoples minds when wounded ones are seeking validation. Because validation is healing, and the devil wants to keep you down and wounded.

I have more to say and I will get back to this later this weekend. I just can't be up any longer right now. But I just wanted to say that your pain is valid, you have a good reason to feel stunted by the pain, and it can be healed! (And I think your spirit knows it can be healed. Thats why you are complaining!).

You can not* think* away the pain, * will* away the pain, or* reason* away the pain. It needs supernatural healing graces.

I will pray for you! And I will post again later.


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