Alcohol


#1

I have received wonderful
Advice here before and would like to ask another question.

Does your spouse drink alcohol daily? Is it normal for a partner to have 2 to 3 glasses of wine each night? Is it normal for them to say they need to go drinking with dinner… After a long day at work?

It has been a habit for me and my husband to have wine with dinner. Every night -if there isn’t any he will stop on his way home. I started worrying my glass or 2 a night was dangerous to my health… So I told my husband I didn’t want any on Monday… Then on Tuesday… And he seemed upset. I couldn’t sleep that night and he went to get me a glass of wine. I said no thanks… Now that I am breaking my habit… I’m seeing on deep he is… Into this drinking daily.

Tonight he called and asked if we could go out to dinner because he needed “to drink bad” because he had a bad day at work.

He will drink 3 beers and insist on driving home or 2 margaritas… I will never let him drive… Especially with child in the car.

What do you think? Is this typical?


#2

It sure sounds as if your husband might be getting overly dependent on alcohol to deal with problems. Does alcoholism run in his family at all?

But if he is stopping after a glass or two of wine, not drinking the whole bottle, he may not be. Hard to say. A lot of alcoholics will drink until they pass out or black out, but some don't.

If his drinking bothers you, you can go to Al-Anon meetings, you don't have to be sure he is an alcoholic. the only requirement is that there be a problem of drinking in a friend or relative.


#3

[quote="Sobizarre, post:1, topic:218432"]

What do you think? Is this typical?

[/quote]

Yes that seems like normal, healthy drinking. He is drinking 2-3 drinks and then calling it a night. The comment about needing a drink after work seems more like a joke than an actual admission that he "needs" a drink to cope with stress.


#4

A 200 pound man that drinks 3 beers with a meal (one hour) has a BAC of .04, not exactly pushing the limit in any manner.

ou.edu/oupd/bac.htm


#5

"If" he has alcoholics in his family,( I do ) this could be a dangerous trend/sign. "If" he does not have a family tree with alcoholics, but has "conditioned or taught" himself that alcohol is his recreational drug of choice, then he needs to test himself. "If" he cannot go without drinking, say for 40 days - Lent - which a lot of guys give up their alcohol during Lent, then he already has a problem, although having it and acknowledging is very difficult. Part of the solution is to begin teaching him "other" recreational relaxing techniques, such as walking or weight lifting or cycling or visits to the Blessed Sacrament or family rosary etc

Not to be an alarmist, but there was an internet story this week that it was determined that "alcohol" is more addictive than heroin (Google for story).


#6

Another thing to consider is, what role does drinking play for him -- in other words, is it an unhealthy or excessive attachment to the alcohol. Which in its worst-case-scenario is not only a sin of gluttony but of idolatry -- i.e., making it more important than God and hindering him in doing God's will. Not trying to be an alarmist here, but rather to give a criteria, a measuring stick, a context for your question.

The use and enjoyment of alcoholic beverages is regarded in the Catholic faith as morally neutral if used in moderation, not endangering anyone (including oneself) physically, mentally, spiritually, etc. See the Catechism section 2290 for the basic moral teaching.

Like I said in the first paragraph, your husband might be becoming emotionally and spiritually attached to alcohol. And it is causing you, his wife, concern and possible emotional stress.

Whether he is physically addicted would be a matter for him to discuss with his doctor. And maybe also with a priest.

Will pray for both of you on this and hope all turns out well. :signofcross: :blessyou:


#7

A casual glass or two of wine with dinner is fine, but the problem comes when it becomes important to have the two glasses of wine. Can he go a day without drinking? How is his behavior following drinking? I was in denial too long about alcoholism in my family thinking it was normal. It was only when I realized that I was becoming a crazy person did I recognize that my problem was related to someone else's drinking. Go to Al-Anon. In fact go to their web site and read up about alcoholism.


#8

this is the danger signal
"I need a drink now to function" not once in a while, but regularly, even daily. so is being in a panic when there is no alcohol in the house

If you let him drive drunk you are an accessory when (not if) he kills someone. Period.

What is normal for one person to drink a day depends on a lot of things, including culture, certainly in many cultures wine with dinner is a regular thing, but typically there it is a rather small amount (not the huge wine glasses used in most chain restaurants) to enhance the meal, not as a drug of choice.

call AA and ask to speak to somebody in Al Anon to help you determine if this drinking, by anybody in the family, is becoming a problem in your house.


#9

I didn't recognize your screen name at first but then I read your other thread about the Halloween costume.

How many threads are you going to start here before you get the picture that this man is not reliable, not safe, and has major problems??

I really thought you were set on leaving him and protecting your son. I'm pretty angry that you came here and described what you thought was abuse, your husband had KICKED your son which in no way is normal, and yet, it sounds as if nothing happened.

This man has major problems (understatement)! When are you going to be ready to leave?

:eek:


#10

My parents had a beer and a shot of whiskey nearly every day. I have never seen nor heard of either one being drunk, which was actually pretty rare among adults when I was growing up. My dad did have some alcoholism in his family, though. This was his rule: If you can't give up alcohol for Advent and Lent, you have a problem. My rule is this: Never use alcohol as a medicine for being sad (or stressed). I never heard either of my parents say "I need a drink". Drinking was something done in celebration or relaxation. It was not used to relieve stress, let alone misery.

If you are stressed, and especially if you have any symptoms that could lead to depression, lay off the liquor. If you are a man who has two drinks on a daily basis or a woman who has one, you are within the limits of healthy drinking that may even be beneficial, depending on your risk factors.

I don't know that the level of his drinking would worry me so much, but the way he talks about it does. Combining alcohol and stress is a very bad combination. Raise the possibility that he needs more ways to relieve stress than what he has at present.


#11

So I am beginning to think this poster is a troll.....

She comes here with tales of child abuse....and is told in no uncertain terms to LEAVE him.
This is followed closely by alcohol abuse....
And don't forget the gay DH thread with the the boa....

Too much, IMO. I think I smell a troll.


#12

[quote="Catholic90, post:11, topic:218432"]
So I am beginning to think this poster is a troll.....

She comes here with tales of child abuse....and is told in no uncertain terms to LEAVE him.
This is followed closely by alcohol abuse....
And don't forget the gay DH thread with the the boa....

Too much, IMO. I think I smell a troll.

[/quote]

Oh hey, I didn't even catch that they were the same poster. I'm slacking.

However, now that you mention it...

http://www.dreamwidth.org/userpic/23403/34179


#13

Actually, I'm not a troll. I'm sorry if you feel that way. The abuse thread was shut down. Cps investigated the incident and said it was entirely an accident in their opinion and said "accidents happen". My husband said he would go to therapy... HIS therapist said that I was overreacting... That the groin area was a very sensitive area to hit.

My mother also said that I should stop being so worried because my husband is a good dad. I have felt very alone.

The reason I came here is because now I feel terrible making ANY accusations because it seems I'm the one people are calling "overreactive".

I have no one else to tell any more... So I have come here for advice. My own mother said "I don't want to get involved with CPS issues and hasn't returned my calls since. This is the same woman who originally said she would provide a safe haven of sorts if things went south fast.

Now she won't return my phone calls. Either I'm the only sane person living in a world of crazy people... Or I'm the nut. Either way.. I'm feeling pretty lonely.

So no.. I'm not a troll.


#14

I second the advice of the poster who suggested going to Al-Anon. These people have decades of personal experience. They will cut through all the excuses and rationalizations and help you to determine whether or not your husband is an alcoholic.

I would not listen to the posters in this thread who are saying, "Not to worry." Alcoholism is a deadly disease that kills not only the sufferer, but those around them. If someone you knew had a lump in their breast, you would not tell them that it's probably just a cyst, would you? You would urge them, beg them, to go to an expert and get a diagnosis.

Same for alcoholism. It could well be that your husband is using alcohol appropriately. But what if he isn't?

Lots of people who drink insist upon driving. I work in a hospital lab, and I know that there are people, intelligent people, who go out drinking to the point of drunkenness and then drive home. I shudder at this. So I don't think the fact that your husband wants to drink and drive is indicative of alcoholism. It's indicative of sin, the sin of putting other innocent people (like me and my loved ones) in mortal danger. I had a beloved aunt and uncle killed by a drunk driver in the middle of the morning out in the country. I hope that some day your husband is driving home buzzed, gets arrested, and goes to jail. We are too soft on buzzed and drunk drivers in the U.S..

Don't mess with this forum when it comes to alcohol. Go to Al-Alon. They're free and they're expert and what's even more important, they can HELP you and your husband.


#15

[quote="Julian0404, post:5, topic:218432"]
"If" he cannot go without drinking, say for 40 days - Lent - which a lot of guys give up their alcohol during Lent, then he already has a problem, although having it and acknowledging is very difficult.

[/quote]

The test for an alcoholic is moderation not abstinence. So as long as he drinks in moderation then there is nothing to worry about.


#16

From the 12 Steps - Step 1: We admitted we were powerless over Alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.

While moderation may be possible some people do suffer from the disease of Alcoholism. Even in moderation, alcohol may alter your judgement counter to the will of God.


#17

[quote="Catholic90, post:11, topic:218432"]
So I am beginning to think this poster is a troll.....

She comes here with tales of child abuse....and is told in no uncertain terms to LEAVE him.
This is followed closely by alcohol abuse....
And don't forget the gay DH thread with the the boa....

Too much, IMO. I think I smell a troll.

[/quote]

No, I don't agree with this. I have seen domestic violence in multiple families including mine (my parents not my husband who is great) and while I can't speak for the poster's situation, this is what happens. People tend to judge the mothers and tell them to leave but it is often not that simple esp. when the mother as in here expresses concerns over and over again and they are dismissed. It often takes careful thought and planning to leave an abusive relationship. Leaving can be hard b/c some abusers get possessive.

Domestic violence does not always involve the intent to harm a wife or child. It can involve a man who can't control his behavior for whatever reason. The problem with alcohol, a scary kind of flamboyance, and 'fast reflexes' that harm a child add up to unstable behavior in my opinion that is harmful.

I think the OP is stuck in a bad situation but has good instincts and needs to trust them. It can be painful to read what people in these situations go through but often something like Internet posting is one of the few resources they have b/c there is no one or few supportive people IRL. Domestic violence advocates may be able to help.

It is really really really hard being trapped in a bad situation with little or no outside support and getting free can take work in those cases.


#18

[quote="Cat, post:14, topic:218432"]
I second the advice of the poster who suggested going to Al-Anon. These people have decades of personal experience. They will cut through all the excuses and rationalizations and help you to determine whether or not your husband is an alcoholic.

Don't mess with this forum when it comes to alcohol. Go to Al-Alon. They're free and they're expert and what's even more important, they can HELP you and your husband.

[/quote]

Actually it's not important whether or not her husband is an alcoholic. The only qualification for Al-Anon is a problem of drinking in a friend or relative. If someone else's drinking is bothering you, Al-Anon can help.

Al-Anon CANNOT help her husband. AA is the 12 step program for people who believe themselves to be alcoholics. Al-Anon can help HER whether or not her husband ever recovers (assuming he is an alcoholic). When people come into Al-Alon, they have already tried everything they know to get the drinker to stop drinking. Nothing has worked. It's time to concentrate on themselves, because alcoholism is a family disease and it's not just the drinker who has problems.

Common misconceptions but I had to correct this.


#19

[quote="TheRealJuliane, post:18, topic:218432"]
Actually it's not important whether or not her husband is an alcoholic. The only qualification for Al-Anon is a problem of drinking in a friend or relative. If someone else's drinking is bothering you, Al-Anon can help.

Al-Anon CANNOT help her husband. AA is the 12 step program for people who believe themselves to be alcoholics. Al-Anon can help HER whether or not her husband ever recovers (assuming he is an alcoholic). When people come into Al-Alon, they have already tried everything they know to get the drinker to stop drinking. Nothing has worked. It's time to concentrate on themselves, because alcoholism is a family disease and it's not just the drinker who has problems.

Common misconceptions but I had to correct this.

[/quote]

I was aware of this. What I meant was that by getting help for herself, she would be better able to know how to help her husband. Sorry for the confusion.


#20

[quote="KostyaJMJ, post:15, topic:218432"]
The test for an alcoholic is moderation not abstinence. So as long as he drinks in moderation then there is nothing to worry about.

[/quote]

This is not true. Alcoholism is not necessarily a disease of excess.

No wonder so many people are undiagnosed. They assume that they're fine as long as they're not lying in the gutter.


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