The title here seems melodramatic but I assure you I am at the end of my rope.
Things are horrible right now. I am a physician, (well technically, although it seems I am of no use to anyone right now) and I have been with out work for 6 months. My wife and I have an 8 month old son and we are having to survive on my wives salary (that of a teacher).
This nightmare all began last October when I was in a pathology residency, which by all accounts has multiple deep seeded issues. I made a comment about our program director who consistently makes disparaging statements about us residents without having proof or the experience to back them up (a true statement which I stand by). Things like “you don’t work hard enough, and all you guys do is complain, and it only gets harder in the private world” are tough to take. Especially when they are all false. Needless to say many of us became very alienated due to these comments. Regardless I was the stupid one to open my mouth and instead of a slap on the wrist I got the guillotine.
So after this happened I was told that my year to year contract would not be renewed and I would be out of a residency position June 30th of this year. I continued in this horrible situation until May 22 of this year. At that time I was offered a position doing some assistant work with a local pathologist, however I only found out later that I had to obtain additional licensing before I could start. On top of that the red tape had made so I might still begin working there but I have not begun thus far.
At this point I am out of a job and I have a 2 month old son. Oh it gets better, shortly after this we find out the sabbatical that my wife was planning to take this upcoming school year has been cut due budget cuts. So we are now in a situation where she (who deserves and should be able to stay home with her baby) has to go to work, and then there is me who still can’t find a job. I am home instead of her. All the while trying to do anything and everything each day to make it ok that she is not able to be home with our son.
Currently I have reapplied to the residency match program, with the hopes of getting into another residency so I can finish my training. During this time I have not been able to find any kind of work, short of being a waiter (which I have found I am horrible at). We are out of money, I have already had to ask my father for several thousand dollars and he refuses to help out any more. I know my wife has feelings of resentment toward me because of the difficult situation we are in and I feel like we are being pulled further and further apart because of all of this. I know this is the least of my worries but we aren’t intimate any more (or at least haven’t been since most of this started). I cant say that I blame her I wouldn’t want to have sex with me right now either. I mean I get it she is tired, breast feeding takes it out of her along with work. It is like we are roommates and not husband and wife. I feel like if I could find some sort of work that I would feel useful again and things would begin to turn around. The problem is there is NOTHING out there! It is amazing I have 4 years of college, 4 years of medical school, and 2 years of residency training but no one will hire me because I don’t have the experience or the credentialing.
Finally this brings me to the title statement. I feel like all hope is gone because I am out of money with no idea where I am going to get money to pay off credit card bills, much less student loans. I feel like a failure because I can’t provide for my family, hell I can’t even buy my son a Christmas present for his first Christmas! I feel like my career is in a smoking crater in the ground with no hope of recovery. Most importantly I feel like the most important person in my life hates and resents me. I feel like I slowly loosing the love of my life and there is nothing I can do about it. I have been praying, pleading, beseeching God to give me some sort of glimmer of hope and there has been nothing. Like I said at the beginning this is month 6 going on 7 of this nightmare and I don’t know how much longer I can take it much less my wife. God I don’t want to loose her, I don’t my son to grow up seeing me unhappy, I just want things to be ok and work out. I just don’t know what else to do and I am out of ideas.