Almost 40 and still single. Is there any hope? Someone PLEASE help


#21

For what it’s worth, I’m in the same boat, well, I’m only 38, but still. :slight_smile:

I used to pray about it a lot, but I’ve pretty much given up. Praying about it lead to a slight increase in hope which ultimately led to more disappointment and me feeling worse about it. Every time something would happen that would lead me to believe things might be changing, a weird roadblock of some sort would pop up out of the blue and any progress would stop. It seems that God’s plan for human salvation hinges on my loneliness. :slight_smile:

Seriously though, I think a lot of it depends on where you live. I’m in the Seattle area and it’s just terrible. Due to the ever expanding tech scene around here, for every 100 single women, there are about 144 single men. Odds are not in my favor. I’ll take my dog for a walk at a park and see a dozen or so other guys walking their dogs, maybe a few couples, but no “single” women. I’ll take various classes and there are always lots of guys in them, but no women. Church, lots of old people and families, but no potential mates there either. I’ve tried online dating as well and after several years, I’ve yet to get a response to an email I’ve sent someone. Hoping for anything to change seems futile.


#22

Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!

Please reread Genesis 2. God said “It is not good for the man to be alone”. Pushing aloneness on people is playing with fire with the nature that God gave us. The OP turning to the “dark side” by fornicating illustrates that. It is a clear example of what St. Paul said in 1 Cor. 7 regarding “it is better to marry than to burn” and “in order to avoid immorality, everybody should have their own spouse”. Sad that people are forgetting these basics.


#23

[quote=“CajunJoy65, post:14, topic:453974, full:true”]

“I will always feel incomplete as long as I don’t have a mate”

Without meaning to sound harsh, there in lies part of your problem. How will anybody else complete you if you’re not happy by yourself with yourself. If you can’t be satisfied in your aloneness you will never be happy even if you find someone. [/quote]

You mention “aloneness” so maybe I’m over reacting, but there’s a definite, huge difference between being alone and being lonely. As someone suffering from chronic, decades long loneliness myself, I can attest to this. Being lonely is something you can’t be happy with. Being alone, yes, you can, being lonely, no. For one thing it’s a health hazard. Recent studies show that chronic loneliness is more unhealthy than obesity, smoking, etc. People who suffer from it are 40% more likely to die prematurely. Is that something we should be happy with? Would you tell a cancer patient that they need to be happy with their cancer before they could get better? People who are chronically lonely are miserable and the only way to change it is to not be lonely anymore. For some of us, that seems an impossible task.


#24

There is a currently a topic on this and the almost-unanimous consensus is that since children need both a mother an father, it is not a good idea for singles to adopt.


#25

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Honestly, what’s wrong with this? Our unhealthy fixation on having sex ASAP is disturbing! I’m single. I’ve known guys who’re in their 70’s and happily single. Don’t allow society to dictate your life. Now, on the other hand marriage is a vocation and a calling. My folks have been married 43 years. It’s a lot of work and nothing to rush into! I’ve heard people say, “Well, everyone should have a mate” or “You’ll die younger” or “You’ll get desperate and fornicate”. That’s all hogwash rubbish! Maybe it’s true for the person who spouts it; however, it’s not true for everyone. Because you’ve exhausted every resource I would consider seeking a psychologist and discuss this frustration. He may have valuable insight! Obviously, doing a Novena and seeking God’s will is critical. You’ve tried “Your way” now ask God. Finally, give back to the community. Being single makes you available for all manner of charitable work. Also, you may meet someone! If you’re destined for marriage God will nudge the two of you together. Desperation will only lead to unhealthy relationships.


#26

But marriage isn’t a contest. Marriage in the Catholic Church is a Sacrament not to be entered into lightly. This is the person you are supposed to live with, love, share EVERYTHING with for the rest of your life. That “match” does not just happen spontaneously. It takes time and discernment.

Also let’s say JUST to have the physical side of your singleness taken care of you marry------does NOT mean that your physical side of your singleness will be satisfied. Things happen in every marriage: health issues, emotional issues, all kinds of things. A marriage is what goes on outside of the bedroom as much as it is what goes on inside the bedroom. If you get married JUST for sex then that is, to me, wrong. Will you leave that wife as soon as she isn’t on the same page as you physically?

If a person is NOT happy with themselves then NO ONE will make them happy. The Bible also says in Matthew 19:10-12. Marriage is not the ONLY vocation in life. Single life is not to be looked down on or criticized. All states in life should be lived according to the will of God.

OH and guess what when any of us turn our thoughts & actions away from just ourselves and how satisfied we are and turn them to helping and serving others then you can truly know the feeling of being satisfied and fulfilled.


#27

I’ve never heard being single compared to cancer! The 90+ year old religious that pass away in my Diocese seem perfectly fine. Perhaps had they been married they would’ve lived to 92?! They live in a community. People who are single and lonely should either find a roommate or move back with family. I’ve never heard of people dying from “Failure to Copulate”. “Doctor, what was the cause of death?” He grimly responds, “Failure to copulate I’m afraid …” “The poor chaps reproductive system imploded killing him instantly!”


#28

SAYS WHO? Certainly not God, since it was HE Who said “It is not good for the man to be alone”.

Although not the only vocation in life, Jesus said regarding the eunuchs for the kingdom that not all can accept that teaching, only those to whom it was given, and that people should accept it as they are able to. Lifelong celibacy in the ordained or religious life requires supernatural graces, and we cannot presume that it is handed out to everyone. Not everyone can handle lifelong celibacy, and if a person has discerned that they cannot handle it, we should not be criticizing them.

Additionally, CCC 1603 states that the vocation to marriage is written into our very nature, coming from the hand of God. So, if there is a “default” vocation, it is marriage.


#29

Are your expectations way too high?

Like are you trying to find a Rachel Ray, Martha Stewart and Carmen Electra all rolled into one gorgeous, professional homemaking, top chef knockout package?


#30

There have been studies that show that, as a whole, married men live longer than unmarried men.


#31

"SAYS WHO? Certainly not God, since it was HE Who said “It is not good for the man to be alone”.

Well if someone can NOT find happiness by themselves AND not with God then I would guess no other person could fill that emptiness. If you ONLY depend on another person to make you happy then you really need to pray about it.

Sure the perfect, lifelong, deeply affectionate, truly right marriage is something I guess every person might want but if they don’t find that it doesn’t have to be the end of their world.

I have QUITE a few single family members and friends in their 50’s, 60’s. Some may have wanted marriage at a young age but it didn’t happen and they have certainly gone on with their lives. They make the most of what has been given them and use their “gifts” as singles to help others. Was it easy, no but they did it and are continuing to live their lives the best they can. I am NOT saying that it isn’t a heartache, struggle, real true hurt for some. I don’t deny that some people really are miserable as single people. But some are perfectly fine and use it as a positive instead of a negative.


#32

Wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles! What will they postulate next?:roll_eyes: Well if God wishes me to live longer or shorter it’s up to him. The largest study only had 3.4 million individuals across various countries. That’s roughly the population of Puerto Rico :puerto_rico:. Hardly representative of the world.


#33

Kindness is needed here and charity


#34

I thought I was being kind and charitable, it was an honest question mixed with a little humor.

I’ve had friends before who were single, then I show them dozens of girls I know and girl after girl after girl they find something wrong with them.

Unrealistically high expectations are a common reason for people being single.

If you look like Tom Brady it’s reasonable to expect a Gisele.

If you look like Quasimodo, expecting a Gisele is unrealistic.


#35

I agree that the best family is a mother and father, but considering many foster children are never adopted and end up being kicked out onto the streets without a family of their own, having a single mother or a single father is better than not having any family at all.


#36

I feel your pain bro. God bless. heres hoping for the both of us!!!


#37

In society, there is this idea that if you don’t have an intimate partner there is something wrong with you. Also it doesn’t help that sex seems to saturate everything around us. Sex sells of course.

I have come to the conclusion that you need to fall in love with yourself first, and that love will shine through and attract people towards you. Men with low self esteem or confidence issues are unfortunately shunned. So instead of waiting for some women to give a crap about you. Learn to enjoy yourself just for you. I have a sneaking feeling that some women out their might want to be a part of that enjoyment.


#38

Some might find it condescending and mocking rather than good humour


#39

Then why did God say “It is not good for the man to be alone”? You need to face facts - we were not built to be alone! (Those who were given the supernatural graces for a vocation involving lifelong celibacy are a separate case).


#40

Hi there. I am single female. One of the things I realized is that no matter how much we overanalyze why we are single, and list down all our defects, things we could work on, and strengths, listen to all the dating advice, unless God tells us explicitly, there’s no knowing why.

I would like to meet a practicing Catholic guy. As it is, it is hard, even after joining onlin dating. I do not get to meet them in real life so far. I already told God that I am okay with meeting a non Catholic guy too, if that is what He wants. If God wants me to be single, then okay. Whatever He wants. I pray that I would want what God wants for me, and remove whatever is not His will for me.

Most people who found their spouse did not overnalyze or plan their meeting. It happened without them knowing beforehand.

I pray for you and your vocation. I do not know whether you are to be married or not, because I am not God. However, I pray that you would meet your wife to be soon, someone who is God fearing and kind. Please pray for my vocation to marriage as well.


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