Almost 40 and still single. Is there any hope? Someone PLEASE help


#41

Maybe it is not about finding something wrong with the girls, but simply not clicking or not much in common?


#42

Also when it comes to looks I have seen several couples who are unsimilar. Either boy attractive girl not, or girl attractive boy not. Or differences in age, education, socioeconomic status, values, hobbies, height, religion, culture, ability or disability, personality,you name it. There really is no knowing what could happen, because we are not God.


#43

I wonder if online dating is only making the problem worse? The reason I ask this is that we may be spending so much time behind our keyboards and not enough in real life.


#44

Good question. For me, I signed up because I wasn’t meeting practicing Catholics in real life. I think most people I meet are good, but nominal. Although i have been readjusting this, whatever God wants.

Online dating is kind of a supplement. Assuming I have done whatever I could in real life situations.

I have also read that usually when one graduates from school there are less opportunities for meeting people. Well, there are clubs, classes, seminars, activities one can attend in one’s area to broaden the circle of acquaintances and friends. It also depends on one’s interests, and where one lives.


#45

Love knows no age. So it’s never too late for you. Sometimes, the love of your life would come in the least expected circumstances. Do not lose hope. Instead of focusing on not having a companion right now, why don’t you focus your attention into other things such going to the gym or doing your hobbies.


#46

I think you need to call the girl that lived two hours away. I think you could learn something from her about why she didn’t pursue you further. She may have wondered why you didn’t drive the two hours to see her on a Sunday. Or she may have wondered why you didn’t send her a bit of money to ease her unemployment woes. Or she may have given those reasons for breaking it off to let you down lightly.

For me, I wouldn’t likely be tempted to date you once you told me about the one night stand. It’s not just that you had it, but the way it happened with a friend arranging it. It would be far better to hear somebody was overpowered by a feeling of love while dating, than by a desire to meet a target of non-virgin by 40. As for the line, “…but it was time to get it done,” those words are painful to read. I hope you have confessed that sin.

Anyhow, a few thoughts come to mind. When I was looking for a place, I reached a point of utter frustration and essentially got mad at God. I think this is what worked, because He knew I trusted that He existed, and that He would provide what I asked of Him, otherwise it would be irrational to get mad at Him, right? I have thanked Him. Remember, ask and ye shall receive.

But as a woman coming into a relationship with you, it would be hard to fulfill all your unwritten expectations. What if the girl of your dreams dislikes camping, going on vacation, taking walks along the beach, going to Thanksgiving dinner, spending time with your family, and is jealous of the time you spend with your friend down the street? This is more realistic scenario from where I’m standing. Love is all about finding out who you’re stuck with, and loving them anyways.


#47

It’s not about copulation, it’s about loneliness. Imagine not having anyone in your life you have a personal connection with. If something good happens to you and you want to share it with someone, or comfort you if/when you need it. As a man in this culture, we don’t do this with other guys. Granted, if you’re fortunate enough to have an old friend from childhood/high school you may be close with other male friends, but in general, men, especially older men, don’t form those kinds of relationships with other men. Men generally rely on their wives/girlfriends for that kind of relationship. Men without long/old friends who don’t have girlfriends/wives are generally very lonely.


#49

So sad to see that you are idolizing marriage. We are all tempted according to our state in life. In your instance, the drive for physical relationships, which led to sin. I pray you haven’t contracted anything from that poor misled child of God. She needs prayers, too.

I have been married 27 years now. It’s no cakewalk. Everything has to be planned. There’s really no room for spontaneity. If the spouse or children have anything wrong with them, that has to be dealt with patiently and compassionately.

To find my spouse, I made a novena to St Raphael. My wedding colors were maroon and white in his honor. Because I was a secretary and he a student, we had to economize the wedding. Everything you have named that you want the joy of doing is secondary to the actual incidents. I hope you can see what I’m talking about where this idolatry – and jealousy – are concerned.

I would get a spiritual director, and an hour of Adoration. All that you posted in the original posts is exactly what should be said to Our Lord. Start your day with the morning offering. Try to pray the Liturgy of the Hours, rosary, and Chaplet of Divine Mercy. Daily Mass and weekly confession. Seek first the Kingdom of Heaven and all else will be given. Moses was given a wife after he spent weeks talking to God in a tent he pitched daily.

Pardon me if I came across as critical, but I am only calling it as I see it.

Blessings,
Mrs Cloisters, OP
Lay Dominican
Http://cloisters.tripod.com/
Http://cloisters.tripod.com/charity/


#50

Don’t give up, our SON is also 39 and single, but dating.

Have you considered that well advertised service which MATCHES one with likely candidates? Or a CATHOLIC dating service?

Do so and PRAY very much for GOD’s WILL to be accomplished in your life.

Blessings,
Patrick


#51

That’s not a very nice thing to say. He’s falling down, and so you thought that you would kick him in his guts on the way down. I see that you are an opportunist.


#52

You have to be careful about putting all your potential for happiness into one thing. That said these different life states, married, single, separated, children, childless, big family, small family all bring very their own lifestyles with pros and cons and it’s not unreasonable to have some preference.

Maybe focus on trying to build meaningful, emotionally intimate relationships rather than focusing just on romance.


#53

That would be nice, the problem is that it’s not always an option. It’s definitely a problem with men in our culture/society. Middle age men, I believe, commit suicide at a higher level than almost any other group. Men generally don’t make close, personal friendships with other men. Granted, like I mentioned earlier, if a person is fortunate to have a friend they grew up with or met in high school or college and have been able to maintain that friendship throughout the years, that might work out as such. For men that don’t have that option, it’s pretty much impossible to make friends that get beyond the simple “buddy” status. Most guys in their 30s are probably married or at least in a relationship that meets their needs at that level so they don’t need to form “serious” relationships with other men.

So if men can’t form deep, meaningful, intimate, relationships with other men, what option does that leave us? Right, women. I could be wrong here, having never experienced it, but I believe it would be pretty much impossible to form a deep, meaningful, intimate relationship with a woman without romance being involved.

I have a couple of male buddy/friends that I hang out with a few times a month. They’re both married and have kids so their social time is very limited outside of their families. Outside of those few times a month, I have no one to interact with or talk to. I come home from work every day and just stay home because I can’t think of anything to do by myself, that just compounds the situation and forms a catch 22. It truly is miserable.


#55

do you have a desire to get married? Have you asked God to provide a ‘wife’ for you? Ask and ye shall receive… But don’t ask on behalf of the pleasures and lusts of the flesh.


#56

“You need to face facts - we were not built to be alone! (Those who were given the supernatural graces for a vocation involving lifelong celibacy are a separate case).”

Again, I have QUITE a few single family members and friends in their 50’s, 60’s. Some may have wanted marriage at a young age but it didn’t happen and they have certainly gone on with their lives. They make the most of what has been given them and use their “gifts” as singles to help others. Was it easy, no but they did it and are continuing to live their lives the best they can. I am NOT saying that it isn’t a heartache, struggle, real true hurt for some. I don’t deny that some people really are miserable as single people. But some are perfectly fine and use it as a positive instead of a negative.

And facing the facts NOT all people are meant for marriage and I am NOT talking about clergy. Some people do NOT want to get married and there is nothing wrong with them. They are fine good people. Some people honestly don’t have what’s necessary to be married (NOT talking physically, either). Catholic marriage is a Sacrament. It is between a man, a woman AND GOD! Some here make it sound like once you’re married everything is peaches and cream. Well guess what, NO IT"S NOT! There are so many struggles and hardships that CAN happen in marriage I can’t even begin to list them all. If all marriages were so WONDERFUL do you think we’d have a 50% divorce rate today? If someone is lonely and gets married just so they won’t be alone or just for the physical aspect that marriage allows, or just for security or just for (insert any other reason) they will be very disappointed as time goes by. Everybody changes, situations change, peoples’ looks change, peoples’ health changes. Let ONE major life altering thing happen in a marriage and BOOM that tests those vows very quickly.
Do you know what marriage REALLY is-----It is not about making yourself happy it is about wanting the best for the other person, what’s in their best interest even if you might suffer for it—making the other person happy and they in turn are supposed to do that for you. I heard it said that marriage is 50/50. Well NO that’s wrong. If both are just giving 50% something is gonna go “south”. A marriage has to be 100/100 but that 100% from the wife is for the best interest of her husband and not herself-for HIS happiness and well being. That 100% from the husband is for the best interest of his wife not himself-for HER happiness & well being. Marriage is about self-LESS-ness. Until both spouses realize that something will always be lacking.


#58

Yes, very well said.


#59

Kind hearted is for everyone


#60

And you’re a grown up calling somebody dumb?

That’s your interpretation. What i see is some one that’s probably felt inadequate all his life for varying reasons and now he is suffering with severe depression. His inability to connect with the opposite sex is a symptom of his lack of self esteem which exists for other reasons and probably effects every facet of his life, not just in regard to women. What do you know about his life? Have you walked in his shoes. I wouldn’t assume that the real problem lies in his inability to get laid.

Who are you to judge, macho-man.


#61

I didn’t call him dumb, I said his thought process was dumb.

I’ve never had a girlfriend in 27 years and I’m staring down the long barrel of that likely never changing so I know exactly what he’s talking about and I’m walking down the same road he is. The difference is that I didn’t let the feminists and the Left convince me that my value is determined by what women think of me.

The real problem is that everyone thinks they were put on this earth to be haaaaaaaaappy and if they aren’t haaaaaaaaaaaappy then they can call it worthless and give up. Well I think that is stupid! I refuse to accept that and especially if it’s because the ugly, scheming, worthless mass that composes the majority of modern women don’t want to marry me. I am sick and tired of the men of my country and religion using women as a measuring stick for their value and I am sick and tired of hearing them whine about it.

Especially non-virgins. We have the least, the absolute least, right to complain about being alone. We already committed the sin! By all rights, we not only should be single forever, we should be in Hell!

I want this guy to man up, and acting like a woman and trying to kiss his booboo ain’t gonna help him do it. I care more about him than any of you, because I am him.


#62

Good for you. Now lets help the man dealing with severe depression. Calling him dumb and telling him to “man up” isn’t going to help him. He does not require your services He requires understanding and compassion and people that are going to boost his confidence in a positive way. Not somebody that thinks hes better than everyone…


#63

I think that not everyone who wishes they were married is called by God to marriage in this life. What is essential is discerning and accepting God’s plan for your life.

I’m older and still single. If I don’t marry, it’s not the end of the world. All my heroes in life chose a life of celibacy. So many of the great saints were single persons.

Being single gives me tons of time to spend with Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament, so I always feel a bit remiss in complaining too loudly to God about the whole thing.


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