Almost 41 and jealous of a 16 year old


#1

This is so embarrassing to admit. I have a friend whose daughter I use to take everywhere and visited them over the holidays. The kid is now 16 and she is gorgeous. She showed me a lot of pictures of herself and to be honest, I was shocked. The pictures are definetly very sexy and not the type of picuture I would have shown of me to my mom. But her mom acts like nothing is wrong

Well, I am jealous because she is having the teenage years I was never allowed to have. She now has a part-time job and more money than I had at that age ( my parents never allowed me to have a part time job in school which was a big source of fights)

Also I am jealous because I was overweight as a teenager and got picked on for it.

And I am jealous because she has more friends than I had.

But more importantly, I am jealous because in a lot of these pictures there are guys with their arm around her or she has her head on their shoulder. At that age no guy wanted to pose like that in a picture with me the class geek. And needles to say, I feel less than because her dating life is just beginning, and I have not had a date in years and to be honest have given up at almost 41 in finding a man without kids who has never been married.

in my day to day life, being single is something I do a good job at accepting. But every six months I visit these friends and for the past 3 visits, the second I see all these pictures of the daughter, I immediately become jealous and feel less than.

Intellectually I now it is a sign of insecurity to value oneself by the amount of guys who are willing to have their picture taken with you. But as humiliating as it is to admit, I do get jealous.

I know this is 100% my issue to deal with and try my best not to take it out on the kid. Apart from prayer can anyone recommend anything else (going to the bar to try and meet a man is not an option;))

Can anyone relate. Are their mothers or aunts on this forum who struggled with jealousy when their daughters started to date?


#2

In all honesty it sounds like you're crying over spilled milk. This really shouldn't even be an issue. We can cry over the past all we want, but it's not worth it.

Why are you so jealous of a gorgeous girl having boys notice her or having their arms around her? There's one man who thinks you're just as gorgeous as any other girl and will always have His arm around you even when you spit in His face with your iniquities. I'm sure you can guess who that man is by the way I'm capitalizing pronouns that describe Him. He's waiting for you in the monstrance and can't wait to see you ;) I promise.

The fact that you're getting jealous is just evidence that you need Him in your life more than you know it.


#3

Be careful what you wish for (or envy). Pain and inner struggle has this odd way of equalizing for everyone. Ever notice how often it’s the beautiful cheerleader or rich businessman who end up committing suicide? The popular 16 year old girl has her inner struggles too, even if it doesn’t seem to show on the surface. Navigating the emotional conflicts of this “being alive” thing isn’t easy for anyone.

I’m familiar though, I see the childhood I never had in kids all the time. And yes I used to get mad and jealous. But more and more I’ve come to kinda adore seeing it. I think because it seems all the more precious to me having not experienced it, so it’s at least nice to see kids getting to experience those things now :wink:


#4

Your jealousy is understandable, but as mgreen77 hinted at, beauty has difficulties as well as rewards. That girl will probably have many more temptations than you had. It is very rare for a very beautiful girl to remain chaste through college these days. She will likely have many guys interested in her because of her beauty and nothing more (moreover, such guys tend to be shallower, and are not necessarily the type of guys you want to be interested in you).

Though I think the even greater difficulty will come from the danger of building her concept of self around a temporary aspect of her life. Beauty is not forever. It may be lost in an instant, and will certainly be lost over time. However, when we receive praise for some aspect of ourselves, or when much of our life revolves around the existence of that characteristic, it becomes very easy for us to believe that characteristic is necessary for our happiness, or that it is fundamentally us on some deep level.

LOL. Well, that was very abstract, so I'll give you an example. If you are very beautiful, you probably have a lot of people saying, "You are beautiful," all the time. You probably have a lot of people who befriend you, or are kind to you, because you are beautiful. And you start to think to yourself, "I am beautiful." And that becomes part of your identity, part of your sense of self. But in reality, beauty is just a temporary condition you are passing through--it is not your true self. It is not who you really are.

But once you start to believe "I am beautiful," when someone comes along and says you are not, or you encounter some experience that contradicts your concept of your own beauty, you feel insulted, hurt, offended. (Typically, we only get offended when something or someone contradicts what we believe, or want to believe, about ourselves). Furthermore, when you start to lose that beauty (and inevitably you will) it is that much more terrifying, because by that point you have become mentally and emotionally dependent upon it.

Don't get me wrong. If this girl has wisdom, she will not fall into these traps, and her beauty will be an incredible blessing on her life. But most people do not have that kind of wisdom...


#5

Being pretty for a girl is often spiritually a bad thing.

I will say that most girls I’ve known who were of average attractiveness have good self-esteem but I’ve known a few very attractive ones with very poor self-esteem.

Attractive girls are much more likely to be the target of predation by men. It means they’re much more likely to fall into sexual sin and all the consequences of it. In the old days, it also meant they were more likely to be raped (I’m talking old days of horrible warfare).

Just a thing to point out.


#6

Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are able to see the issue, voice your feelings and acknowledge where they come from. That is MORE than 1/2 the battle.

Pray to have less envy, pray for healthy teen years for the girl and keep moving on.

You are not a bad person. You just have baggage like we all do…the difference is you are brave enough to acknowledge yours and try and face it.

Taben


#7

Having a lot of attention from men is a BAD thing. When she finally does settle down it will be very hard for her to know which man likes her for her and which man just wants in her pants.

There is nothing spiritually advantageous about being pretty.


#8

This x1000.

Not only that, but girls who encourage this kind of thing end up becoming… well, not the modest, pure girls.

She may be beautiful but what is beauty without purity?
What is beauty without self-respect?
What is beauty without love?
What is beauty without reference to God?

It’s nothing. It’s lust. It’s selfish.

OP there is nothing to be jealous of. You are a daughter of the most loving, perfect Father ever!

And I think you are beautiful too just because you are you :thumbsup:


#9

Many hugs to you! Here is what I am thinking. Don’t try your best, just don’t take it out on the kid at all… You have control on how you act towards her and she doesn’t deserve to be treated any different then how you would want to be treated yourself. It doesn’t make you less of a person to be jealous, but you need to be happy with yourself and your goal should be on how to go about getting that happiness and to not focus on what others have because you will never be them. You have the ability to find that happiness you just have to find a way to get it.

No, but it happens. I think the people that are unhappy with themselves tend to be jealous of their children or other people’s children because those children have what the other person so desperately wants which could be many things. youth, beauty, friends, their whole life ahead of them to make choices the other person wish they could of made. Yeah, it sucks to look at others and wish that you had what they had, but no ones lives an idea life and everyone makes mistakes. I believe my sister is going to be jealous of her daughter. I already have seen signs. Your post kind of reminded me of my sister. She lives a life of regret and she is nearing 40. I feel bad for my niece.


#10

[quote="NewsTheMan, post:8, topic:224510"]

Please don't make assumptions about this 16 year old girl. It's not fair to her. You don't know how she lives. You just know what the OP said and just because she said the girl has pictures with guys, it doesn't mean squat. Unless you know the 16 year old personally, don't down the kid to make the OP feel better.


#11

I made no assumptions. I believe I spoke generally enough. By saying “she” I didn’t mean this girl in the OP, I mean someone who behaves in the way I described.


#12

Pardon me.

The way you and violet made your posts, it seemed like you both were referring to this young girl, not speaking in general…


#13

I don’t know how it came across that way. Pretty women are at a huge disadvantage when it comes to staying pure. The more seducers you have the more trouble you will have.


#14

I think the thread is moving off course a bit. As I read the question from the OP, she is basically asking how to handle her own jealousy and insercurity.

To that, I think it is not the best idea to ‘fault’ the person or circumstances of the person of whom one is jealous. There are LOTS of happy, social, beautiful, popular young ladies and men in the world who go on to have wonderful lives…and that is OKAY. OP needs to know and accept that that is okay.

It is also understandable, given the background she has, that she would be a bit jealous of this…seeing it happen with her friend’s young daughter. I think she is struggling with how to handle this jealousy. She is also (OP) doing a great job of acknowledging from where the feelings are coming.

Any other thoughts on how OP can handle her feelings…beyond talking about how/why pretty people are not always happy/blessed, etc? Maybe this girls WILL remain very happy and popular and beautiful. How does OP cope with this?

Taben


#15

It really isn’t. What the person looks like on the outside doesn’t determine the type of person they are and their self worth.


#16

[quote="taben, post:14, topic:224510"]
I think the thread is moving off course a bit. As I read the question from the OP, she is basically asking how to handle her own jealousy and insercurity.

To that, I think it is not the best idea to 'fault' the person or circumstances of the person of whom one is jealous. There are LOTS of happy, social, beautiful, popular young ladies and men in the world who go on to have wonderful lives...and that is OKAY. OP needs to know and accept that that is okay.

It is also understandable, given the background she has, that she would be a bit jealous of this...seeing it happen with her friend's young daughter. I think she is struggling with how to handle this jealousy. She is also (OP) doing a great job of acknowledging from where the feelings are coming.

Any other thoughts on how OP can handle her feelings...beyond talking about how/why pretty people are not always happy/blessed, etc? Maybe this girls WILL remain very happy and popular and beautiful. How does OP cope with this?

Taben

[/quote]

The point is this life isn't about happiness but rather holiness. Happiness can actually be a detriment to holiness.

I am not jealous of very happy people because my sufferings are a blessing that provide me with humility, perspective, compassion, and dependence on God. Rejoice in our sufferings, says St Paul.


#17

Well said!


#18

Yes. I can recommend a few things. You are expressing some regret over things missed that you would have liked to have enjoyed, and your jealousy is just a form of taking it out on this girl.

We grow as people. Find things that there are still ahead for you in life, and decide which of these things are really important for you, both personally and spiritually, pray about them, and decide on the things that you need to do and not miss. It will help you to devise a new plan, one where - when you are 80, you won’t look back at 40 and say “Why didn’t I see that wake-up call and do something about it?”

Peace.


#19

[quote="Lapis, post:15, topic:224510"]
It really isn't. What the person looks like on the outside doesn't determine the type of person they are and their self worth.

[/quote]

We all have our moments of weakness. Being good-looking makes it more likely that one will be approached during a moment of spiritual weakness. As far as self worth, hearing, "you're pretty" all the time can make one feel as though their self worth is tied up with how they look as if that's all they're good for.


#20

I agree with this poster. Envy and jealousy are sins, but they also tell us that we are missing something in our lives that the other person represents, but that we feel is not possible for us to have or achieve. There is a dream buried somewhere that needs watering. Maybe the OP needs to dress up in flattering ways more, take care of her appearance, improve her attitude, freshen her dreams up, like that 16 year old. Find out what that youth and beauty are representing - is it that she has to recover some of her own lost teenage years? Obviously she can’t go back and start wearing a letter jacket…but maybe there is a long-lost dream that will make her feel a little younger in spirit. I think that even negative emotions like jealousy can be turned into blessings if we use them for our own improvement.

When I see very pretty young girls, from my viewpoint I say to them in my mind, “Enjoy it while you have it, dear girl, because all beauty fades, except for that of the soul.” I went through a phase where I got a LOT of attention from men, and while it made up for years in my life when I felt ugly and awkward, I ended up losing even more of myself into the bargain.


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