Am I a terrible wife?


#1

Hello all, sorry I havn’t posted before…I’ve meant to introduce myself but I’ve mainly been a lurker :slight_smile:

I’m a new convert, my husband is not. I’ve tried to talk to him about what I’m doing, he says well I’ll have to look into it. Yet no effort has been put into it. Our son goes to Catholic school, so it wouldn’t be too hard for him to find information. However, this is the least of my concerns at this moment.

We have been married for five years and have been through everything. His family business collapsing and us getting stuck with $300,000 in debt, infertility, infedility (not on my part), false accusations as foster parents, anything you can think of. Then add on top of that I am a recovering bulimic/cutter/rape survivor.

It used to be that we worked really well together, always supportive, just…we were just us. We were THAT couple… Then I started therapy to attempt to deal with the issues stemming from the rape. That triggered the eating disorder and the cutting again, and during that time I lost 85 pounds. Rather than attempting to understand what was going on, my husband decided that I must be doing this for another man and now uses it as a weapon against me. I cannot leave the house without a child that is able to speak, he goes through my phone, I cant finish school,I cant talk to anyone (male or female) that he doesnt act nasty and suspicious, goes through my facebook, internet history,wants me to quit my job, drives by my work to “make sure I made it ok”, etc etc. Last night he got SO mad because he again went through my phone and found that I had been texting my friend Jill. He has never had a problem with her before, but now all of a sudden, I don’t care about him because I was talking to her and not him. He says he didn’t know I was cutting again, didn’t know I was restricting my food again… and then it happened. “You don’t ever want to have sex with me”.

I don’t feel like I’m doing anything wrong by talking to a friend. If anything, my feelings are hurt that he doesnt know me well enough to know that something is wrong until I have no interest in sex. It always gets turned around on me. As if I dont have enough guilt about being raped and everything after that…now it’s my fault that my marriage is falling apart because I tried to deal with it, all this stuff came up and I’m not handling it well.

I feel like I’m completely alone. The person that used to be my best friend only wants me to be ok so that he can have sex. What am I doing so wrong to be treated like a prisoner…

He also adds in that now all of a sudden I want to change and be Catholic too. I tried to find peace in the church, I know that I cannot get through this without God’s help. Why is it being used as a weapon against me now?


#2

I welcome you to the forums, though I wish it was under different circumstances!

No, your not a terrible wife.

This releationship sounds unhealthy. Go into therapy. Quickly.


#3

There were several things you mentioned that worried me (brought back memories of a high school relationship I had), so I wanted to give you this website:

National Domestic Violence Hotline
1.800.799.SAFE (7233)

From the NDVH:

Does your partner:

* Embarrass you with put-downs?
* Look at you or act in ways that scare you?
* Control what you do, who you see or talk to or where you go?
* Stop you from seeing your friends or family members?
* Take your money or Social Security check, make you ask for money or refuse to give you money?
* Make all of the decisions?
* Tell you that you’re a bad parent or threaten to take away or hurt your children?
* Prevent you from working or attending school?
* Act like the abuse is no big deal, it’s your fault, or even deny doing it?
* Destroy your property or threaten to kill your pets?
* Intimidate you with guns, knives or other weapons?
* Shove you, slap you, choke you, or hit you?
* Force you to try and drop charges?
* Threaten to commit suicide?
* Threaten to kill you?

If you answered ‘yes’ to even one of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship.

My sincerest apologies if my post is way off base, Hon. :o Prayers.


#4

You aren’t off base with that post at all. Honestly the last time I was in therapy and he pretty much made me quit it was right after he found a book that had the diagram of the cycle of abuse in it. I know this is abusive. I just don’t see how he can always turn it around and make it my fault…

The other thing he uses against me is that when I’m catholic, if I divorce him I will never be able to get married again and our kids will be illegitimate (that looks spelled wrong).

At this point I would rather just be alone…


#5

Your husband sounds like he has severe problems which makes it impossible to have a loving relationship with mutual respect.

Is it possible that you can make an appointment with a priest so you can explain all that you have explained so far on here? Perhaps if you write everything out as a guide as to what to mention, you will not forget to mention anything pertinent.

Your husband is wrong in saying that if you divorce him that your children would be illegitimate.
It is very possible that an annullment is possible, if it should come to that, if he had these problems with control at the time of your marriage.

Prayers for you…

Dorothy


#6

:console:

Perpetrators are very good at doing that. I speak from personal experience, unfortunately (I was all of 16 years old when I was severely controlled, threatened, and sexually assaulted by a boyfriend).

First of all, your children will NEVER be illegitimate. NEVER. Holy Mother Church does no such thing; no child is illegitimate. And your husband does not know that you’ll never be able to marry again; that is for a Tribunal to decide, not him or anyone else. So don’t worry about that bridge until you need to cross it. :smiley: Safety (yours and your kids’) is the number one priority right now. DV nearly always escalates, so safety is a major concern, even if an actual weapon or physical violence hasn’t been used yet.


#7

I’m praying right now for you. This relationship is very harmful for you and you should try to get your husband into therapy also. This is not your fault and by he turning it towards you is him making a reflection of his own thoughts. Be careful and start planning how to get out of there if he doesn’t accept the therapy.
Keep God close to your heart and ask for strength. Talk to a priest or a nun from your church or the school. They may be able to help you.

God bless and keep safe!


#8

I just don’t see how he can always turn it around and make it my fault…

get away fast.

go to a safe phone. call the abuse hotline, let them direct you to a shelter. call the dept of social sercvices to get the foster kids. call a priest, a lawyer and your mother or whoever loves you best in the world. .


#9

because he is abusive. get counselling and help please, does the counsellor you have been seeing know all of this? if he has not helped you address it find a new counsellor. Also see your pastor for care the Church can give you. You of all people know the long lasting damage that can come from remaining in such a relationship and having your children exposed to it. Your parish can also refer you to Catholic counsellors who will address your needs in light of Catholic values. We will be praying for you.


#10

that is not true, and such misconceptions are another good reason to see your priest. go with a trusted friend if you have anxiety about meeting someone alone, which would be quite understandable with your history


#11

If you're converting to Catholicism and both you and your husband were not Christian before, your marriage can be annulled if he no longer wants to be married to you, with no questions. [Or so I was told in my religion class]. However, if he doesn't give permission for you to leave, then you'd have to go through the entire annullment process.

Getting your self to safety is important! Save yourself and your children.


#12

talking about annulment is premature while you are still married. please see your priest and get advice that pertains to your own unique personal situation.


#13

You just described a textbook case of an abusive husband. Please go get some help now because it is only going to escalate. Use the link that Truly Beloved posted. Also, in relationships when someone accuses a spouse of doing something "for another man" it's usually because he is actually cheating himself. Are you sure he is being completely honest with you right now?


#14

I didn’t mean to push her towards that, however, I was responding to the part where her husband told her she’d never be able to get married, etc., should she leave him. I fully agree that she should go see her priest, I just want her to know that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel and that help is avaliable. Her husband could very well be wrong.


#15

[quote="klriggins1, post:1, topic:190735"]
Hello all, sorry I havn't posted before....I've meant to introduce myself but I've mainly been a lurker :)

I'm a new convert, my husband is not. I've tried to talk to him about what I'm doing, he says well I'll have to look into it. Yet no effort has been put into it. Our son goes to Catholic school, so it wouldn't be too hard for him to find information. However, this is the least of my concerns at this moment.

We have been married for five years and have been through everything. His family business collapsing and us getting stuck with $300,000 in debt, infertility, infedility (not on my part), false accusations as foster parents, anything you can think of. Then add on top of that I am a recovering bulimic/cutter/rape survivor.

It used to be that we worked really well together, always supportive, just....we were just us. We were THAT couple... Then I started therapy to attempt to deal with the issues stemming from the rape. That triggered the eating disorder and the cutting again, and during that time I lost 85 pounds. Rather than attempting to understand what was going on, my husband decided that I must be doing this for another man and now uses it as a weapon against me. I cannot leave the house without a child that is able to speak, he goes through my phone, I cant finish school,I cant talk to anyone (male or female) that he doesnt act nasty and suspicious, goes through my facebook, internet history,wants me to quit my job, drives by my work to "make sure I made it ok", etc etc. Last night he got SO mad because he again went through my phone and found that I had been texting my friend Jill. He has never had a problem with her before, but now all of a sudden, I don't care about him because I was talking to her and not him. He says he didn't know I was cutting again, didn't know I was restricting my food again... and then it happened. "You don't ever want to have sex with me".

I don't feel like I'm doing anything wrong by talking to a friend. If anything, my feelings are hurt that he doesnt know me well enough to know that something is wrong until I have no interest in sex. It always gets turned around on me. As if I dont have enough guilt about being raped and everything after that....now it's my fault that my marriage is falling apart because I tried to deal with it, all this stuff came up and I'm not handling it well.

I feel like I'm completely alone. The person that used to be my best friend only wants me to be ok so that he can have sex. What am I doing so wrong to be treated like a prisoner....

He also adds in that now all of a sudden I want to change and be Catholic too. I tried to find peace in the church, I know that I cannot get through this without God's help. Why is it being used as a weapon against me now?

[/quote]

You wont' find the answer on this forum, or any other. About the last thing you need, is another opinion from anyone who is not privy to the full story. Seeking advice for anything but trivial matters on internet forums is questionable as to it's merit anyway, as you can always couch things to get the response you seek. A therapist will be better able to see things for what they are once they know you. But for someone in your position, what you're going through.... No way no how can anyone here help you beyond prayer and moral support that you find the answers and peace you seek. Stick with the therapy and listen to him/her and let them help you. You're going through a traumatic time in your life. It will get better. Have faith in God, in yourself and don't be so hard on yourself. Your husband is going through some difficult things to, and I will pray for him and hope that he too seeks the help he needs and gets it. It sounds like you two loved each other very much at one time. You can get that back. Just a bump in the road. A very BIG bump, put people survive all sorts of things and come out on the other end in tact and happy. It can happen for you.


#16

No, you aren’t a terrible wife at all–you’re strong and brave to be going through therapy to face your traumatic experiences and I think you need a good therapist to help you with your current position. Your husband is being abusive and controlling. Check out the resources others have provided for you. I’ll be praying for you–don’t put this off, hon! :hug1:


closed #17

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