Am I accountable for something I can't control?

My first post on CatholicAnswers, actually, was on the subject that I’m bringing up once again in this thread. I have had a secret fear for the past few years or so, and lately it’s getting worse. My fear is that I won’t be saved. I don’t think I am in a state of mortal sin, although I don’t really know. I have gone to confession, and will again, for my extreme anger and disgust that I feel (toward abortion for instance and its supporters). My anger is, of course, something I know I can control. Yet what terrifies me is that I have the most horrid unwanted thoughts. I don’t want to go into detail because of the sheer shame of it, but they can suddenly intrude into my mind’s eye. These thoughts are horrifying to me, uncontrollable, and it wouldn’t even do me any good to confess them because I could have another one right after I’m being absolved. These thoughts are extremely dirty, and involve Jesus and Mary, and I am absolutely horrified and terrified by them. They can intrude into my mind when I’m trying to say the rosary, or even saying prayers as I lie trying to fall asleep, and then I feel extremely shameful. I don’t want these thoughts, and I don’t know why I even have them. They can’t be controlled. And these thoughts are the only thing I can’t control that could possibly be mortally sinful enough to land me into hell. I don’t want that, and the thought of eternal separation from God, Jesus, Mary, and all that is love and good worries me more than the fire and torment.
Last night I had one of the worst nights I’ve ever had. It was awful. I watched a “Mother Angelica” episode where she was talking to a priest who had had a near death experience, and he said how when he’d died, he was at the judgment seat of Christ. He said Jesus told him everything about his life, and after, Jesus said to him, “My sentence is eternal hell.” The priest said, calmly, “Yes, Lord,” knowing it was what he deserved. But Mary interceded and told Her Son to have mercy on him. Jesus told Her, “Mother, this man has been a priest for twelve years and has served not Me but himself.” Mary begged Him to give the priest another chance to see if the vine would be fruitful, and Jesus told her, “Mother, he is yours.” And the priest returned to life and has since dedicated his life to Mary, who saved him when he was so close to damnation.
The story gave me such worry for my own particular judgment. I’m terrified I will stand before Jesus and He will tell me that same thing for the thoughts I cannot but wish so desperately that I could control. I went to bed last night, and was in tears, and I said ten Hail Mary’s and the Glory Be, and after a few hours of just lying there in restlessness, I said to Jesus quietly in my mind to make certain He has my soul at death. I couldn’t sleep, or did rather restlessly, for about three hours, and when I would feel myself drifting, the strangest thing would happen every time. I would feel suffocated and terrified to fall asleep, afraid I would slip into death. Eventually, I feel asleep, but even had a dream about telling someone about what the priest had said, and I’ve spent all day and into this evening constantly thinking about it.
My question is, am I accountable for horrible thoughts I cannot control but desperately don’t want and am terribly sorrowful and ashamed of? These thoughts are the only thing I can’t control, and I fear it will be what sends me to hell. I’ve worried about this before, and the worry continues, and is worsening. I don’t know what to do. As I said, even if I confessed them, I could and know I would have more of them immediately. I just don’t know what I can do. I hope to have a personal answer to this question, rather than just recommended threads, because I really need someone to talk to me about this. Please let me know if I am still accountable for something I obviously can’t control, and please offer me any personal enlightenment that you might have. Thank you for taking the time to read this very dark worry of mine.
Kathryn

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