It’s been a couple of years since I last posted on here about vocations.
To give a slight understanding of who I am… I am a male from New Zealand who will be 19 this year.
For the past 6 years I have stressed out a lot about vocations. I love both priesthood and marriage. The last 2 years I have become more peaceful, but have also swayed much further towards the married state. I haven’t ever dated anyone as I want to wait some years to have a good amount of savings and pay to support a possible future family.
But I sometimes feel this strong pull towards the priesthood, it feels peaceful… But at the same time it distresses me… I want to serve God in this way, I only get one chance on this Earth to serve Him. But the reason it distresses me is because of marriage that I’ll be missing.
I think about marriage for hours and hours, and when I say that I am not just saying it, it’s incredibly intense and hard, and even when I think it’s reached it’s height, the desire grows stronger.
I’d love to have a family, lots of children, support them and bring them up knowing God, it feels right and peaceful. But at the same time it also distresses me, I think, “am I not capable of priesthood and giving my whole self totally to God?”
I want marriage. But am I wasting my life by not doing something that could offer more to God?
I have had a spiritual director for the last 3 or so years on this, but it doesn’t seem there is an answer.
I have two choices in front of me now. I can join a seminary now, and if I’m right that is great! But if I’m wrong… I’ve wasted a lot of precious time to build up a career etc now which will make things so much easier for a family.
I can start on a career now, but either way, am I just walking in the dark? How can I know what I’m meant to do without God coming down and telling me Himself?