Am I being too sensitive?

I’m not sure if this is the right forum to post this in. :o

Anyways, my girlfriend of about eight months is an actress. Last year she shot a film where she was involved in an explicit sex scene. I knew there was intimate touching and kissing to be done, but what I did not know that the sex scene she’d be doing would require her to be topless. I thought it would be a pan away type of thing once the groping and kissing starts.

My feelings about this are mixed. Part of me is upset and disappointed - we have not seen each other naked and the fact that she allowed another guy to be that intimate with her, let alone see her chest in that manner just breaks my heart. I’m her boyfriend and never “got that far” with her (I know, I’m a loser). I feel like a fool; a small mouse. Here’s a guy she she barely even knew getting to kiss her and take her bra off for sake of art and story telling. And here am I … :frowning: She did say the scene was pivotal to the story and was artfully done. That does little to ease the hurt and disappointment. I’m not sure if I’m even going to see the movie, but I want to in order to support her. The other part of me tells me to take it like a man and apply the “it’s art” reasoning and the “if you don’t like it look away.” Of course knowing that others want to see her naked is also disturbing (IMDb is one bizarre place). They’re practically rejoicing.

I know that I am not in a place to tell her what scripts and what scenes to do and not do, since she is in charge of her career, and that in the future there’s a good chance that she might accept a role where she’s doing another explicit scene (that’s pivotal and tastefully done) that it’s something I must get over.

I’m just feeling a bit lost right now. I know I must respect her decisions as an actress.

I need to drink some Jack on the Rocks. :frowning:

In all honesty, I think it’s great that she has found her passion in life. Acting is a fantastic profession, and if she feels it is right for her, you must support that decision. My friend’s parents used to joke with him before he started college and would say things like, “If you call us one day and inform us that you have decided to become a rodeo clown, we will totally support that. We love you no matter what career you choose.” Basically, if you truly love her, you’ll respect her decision to take part in this film.

I feel as long as the film is not a pornographic one, I would be perfectly fine with my boyfriend taking on this role. However, your concerns show you genuinely care, and thus, I recommend you speak to her about it. It doesn’t sound to me that you’re jealous or envious of this other guy who - and **remember **- might very well have a girlfriend/boyfriend of his own. She/he may feel the same way you do about this. Have you spoken to any of your friends (particularly male) about this issue? I’m sure they could give you some insight as to how they would feel, but ultimately, no one can tell you how to feel.

No don’t worry, you are not being sensitive in the slightest.

What that woman has done is evil, it is utterly demonic, sinful, and adultery.
as well as someone with no morals.

If I were in your position… I would end the relationship with her.
Better off having a faithful wife, than someone who struggles to behave with a complete stranger, well mate I know what I would do in your situation.

Well, you’ve got one response that says it’s no big deal, and another that says it’s demonic. Let me try to tread a middle ground.
Sounds like an R if not an X rated movie. A Christian would not participate in such a film, that involved nudity and explicit sex. There’s no reason to portray such things onscreen, even with the rationale that it’s “art.” As you anticipated, they can suggest such things indirectly rather than showing everything. A bra hung over a chair can say it all.
Where does she stand with following Christ, and where do you stand? Do you want to stay with a woman who bares her body for the public? Is that what’s really happening, or were they wearing some kind of body suits that simulate nudity?
There are some actors who refuse to do nude scenes, they put it in their contracts.
Hopefully you will discuss it with her and find out if you are on the same page.
No, you are not a “mouse” or a loser. You are a gentleman who has treated his girlfriend with respect, as you should. The question is whether she appreciates it or not.
It sounds as if it’s important to clear this up before you continue with this relationship.
I would not go to see a movie like that, whether my friend were in it or not.
God bless.

A real couple have common values. If hers’ are so different to yours, someone has to change. I do not believe you should accept her ‘career’ if it involves behaviour you find offensive, both to you personally as her boyfriend and to your values. If she intends to continue to take these roles irregardless of your feelings, then there is no future in your relationship. Love is partnered with respect.

I think everyone is slightly overreacting…

Is this her first film role perchance? That might have something to do with her agreeing to appear nude on film. I know a lot of people become very exhausted with attempting to land a big role, so they often give in and do whatever he/she can find to break into the business.

From just what you have written, it sounds like you might have a jealous streak and some insecurity in your relationship.

I mean no offense. Just a different opinion

My daughter is in the entertainment field, although not in the performing part of it. She has been in the field for almost ten years now, and makes a decent living at it.

I can tell you from sad experience that it is extremely difficult for “show business” romantic relationships to thrive and last because of the nature of the business. It’s just very hard for these couples to stay together because the entertainment field is physically/emotionally demanding. Often couples are apart for months at a time due to travelling demanded by the business…

My daughter just broke off her 5th serious relationship (dating, not marriage).

She finds men who are not in show business “boring.” She tried dating a banker a few times, but didn’t have any interest in anything that he was interested in, and he had no clue about her business. So it didn’t last (I didn’t count that as one of the five relationships, all of which were with fellow entertainment pros.)

Perhaps your girlfriend is different and doesn’t find you “boring.” That’s good!

But the fact that you don’t seem to understand her career and you question her work (the film scene) is eventually going to create a big conflict between the two of you, and frankly, I think she will end up walking away from you. I’m sorry.

If you want the relationship to last, you simply have to let her do her career and not question her professional life, but instead, support her in everything (and that includes financial support when things are slow for her).

I can assure you that she felt nothing for the actor in the scene with her, and that it was all business, and very exhausting business that left her drained and tired and probably a little crabby. She probably doesn’t even remember anything much about the scene, other than whether or not the director thought she did a good job or not. And she probably is very irritated that you are making a big deal out this, since to her, it’s just “work” and nothing else. It’s like a doctor doing a pelvic exam or a prostate exam–he or she feels nothing for the patient.

So you have to decide–do you really want to be with an actress? It’s really hard for mixed relationships (show biz/regular biz) to survive. Will you and your girlfriend be the exception? Or would you be better off ending the relationship right now and looking for a woman who is not involved with the entertainment business, and whose only “stage” experiences consist of singing in the choir and directing the annual Christmas pageant?

I hope this advice is helpful to you. It has been very hard for my daughter to keep falling in love and then having it not work out. Either decide to support your girlfriend in all aspects of her “job,” or let her go now before things get too serious between the two of you. Don’t make it harder for her or yourself.

I absolutely agree with everything you said. Very good advice.

I don’t know anything about the entertainment industry and frankly think the trend now days is toward movies that promote or show more depravity and dysfunction in the characters depicted lives than what actually even exists in the real world. Some of the characters created and behaviors shown on screen, leave me with the thought that in real life something like they depict is out in right field somewhere. Another words, today art is even crazier than real life! LOL!

Having said that, the poster who said that it’s only a job to her is right on target. Frankly though, it is a little surprising to me that your girlfriend is such an apparently “good girl” that you’ve never seen her naked— but yet she was comfortable in doing an explicitly sexual scene with a stranger. Hmmm…

I’d say that the ball is in your court. If she’s an actress and determined to go forward with her career, in this day and age she will be doing more such scenes and I think that’s just a fact of life. I agree that you should talk to her about how you feel. Hiding your feelings from someone you care for will destroy the relationship plain and simple, and I’m sure you know that. The bigger question, however, is for you to examine your own heart thoroughly and come to a decision as to whether you truly can or can not accept her doing even more sexual scenes in the future (possibly even more graphic)-- especially if you two married and had kids. If you are going to only be more unhappy if her career blossoms in the future and as your relationship progresses–if it progresses-- then in the interest of being fair to both of you, get out now before you have more time invested and thus getting out will be even more painful to you both. I mean, look at the movies and even TV out there today. Consider the actors and actresses who have made it “big” and then think about the movies they have done that brought them to that level of success. Do you really think there won’t be more and even more explicit sexual scenes in her future films? I mean, C’MON–think about it! If you care for her, are comfortable with her chosen field and honestly believe that you can come to complete terms with it, then begin now, quit worrying over the sex scene and get over it. Just don’t kid yourself that this won’t happen again–and again–and more again if she’s working as an actress in today’s entertainment industry. You’re totally kidding yourself if you think that.:shrug:

This is very sad…an must be difficult for you… i would feel betrayed if my partner exposed himself to strangers…in fact i would be in total confusion and questioning where this persons heart lay…
A petty excuse of " in the name of art" would only make my feelings feel even more belittled…
private sexual scenes are just that PRIVATE!! and people have generally lost the plot and accepted too much exposure to this sort of behaviour, we have now become desensitised to it and believe its all right “its only art”!!

Good for you for standing up for yourself and you should also not be brow beaten into submission of acceptance of this behaviour, I know this leaves you with difficult choices but at least there your choices, on your grounds and your beautiful values in tact… She is in great need of your prayers but you should not sacrafice what you know to be right…

I believe moral depravity and evil are lurking because it is being promoted by using “its only art”…
Praying for you
God bless

No, I don’t think you are. I think your gf is being too desperate to get into the movie Biz.

Now I’m going to talk like the 61 year old man I am. In the 50’s and 60’s even Hollywood adhered to morals. You almost never saw a woman’s breasts. You didn’t even see men go into a bathroom. In the 1970’s it started to change. In the 1980’s almost every movie had 1 scene of naked breasts. In the 1990’s some actresses started to say no, and they started to win. In fact, there is 1 very famous actress who was a trail blazer for this. She was Pretty Woman, and that actress has never done a nude scene that I’m aware of. In 1 famous movie she did she had to be in panties, and she insisted all unnecessary personnel leave the set, and those that had to stay, also had to strip down to their skivvies. And now in the 2000’s it’s hard to find a movie where you see naked breasts. I thank God for this. Hollywood may remain as 1 of the most sinful cities on Earth, but nowadays an actress can demand she be hired for her acting ability, and not because she’s willing to do a nude scene.

I’m not telling you to break up with her if you 2 really love each other. But if I were you, I’d tell her no more roles where she must be nude. Because now that they know she did one, she will be offered more and more roles where she has to do a nude scene. So either she says no, and lives with the consequences, or you say no and live with the consequences. But if she says yes to these roles, it will lead to move of them, and can you live with that?

First of all, I don’t know exactly how you feel because we all feel different. What I can say is that I would be a bit troubled but not really worried. A actress are earning her dayli bread and butter making movies and so on. A new, struggling “face” need to work her self up step by step, I asume she is not very old? That include some compromises.

A movie with one or two sex scenes is a movie, and that is all. I don’t think anything wrong can happen when there are a lot of people and lights and all you can think about is around you. I would not go and see a movie where sex is the point, but a movie where sex is important for the plot is another matter. I agree it sometimes would be better to just give a hint what they are soon to do, but it is up to the director, and the producer who provide the wage. In this life we sometimes must do things we don’t really want to, but have no or very little latitude to move around.

If she loves you what she did will not affect your relationship in any way as long as you don’t make a issue about it. I think you are jealous, and in my mind, for no reason. You did ask if you are too sensitive. Giving the fact that you knew she is an actress when you started to date her you maybe did not see this situation, but I can’t really say that you are too sensitive, what you feel is pretty normal. It is like see your wife dance with someone else. It may feel bad, which is normal, but on the other hand you know she will come home with you anyway. What you feel is normal.

And for all of you who think I accept porn and sex, call back the exorcist, I am not possessed, only human. We all have seen nude people in movies, and I do not mean seeking porn, many good movies have a sex senen or two and I can’t see that it would be wrong. As always, “the one without sin may cast the first stone”. This is life, good people, and we can do a lot to keep us safe from naughty things, but if we need to hide from what is bad or sinful we have lost the battle. The one who can walk thru tempations with open eyes are on the right path. We may not like it, we may not accept it, and we may not need to, but life is life, and what we need are a strong faith. That is all we need, strong faith.

I obviously don’t go to the movies enough because I though nudity was all over the movies nowadays. Heck, it is on prime time TV now :rolleyes:

:eek:

What lies has the devil made you believe??? Doing God’s will and respecting your GF and more importantly yourself is being a winner.

Honestly, I am quite shocked at a lot of the replies. My immediate thought was dump this cruel woman that does not respect you.

Movies are NOT art. They purposely use sex to sell and that is prostitution. Honestly, it is a no brainer. Dump her, you deserve better and this is coming from a woman.

OK, now I am confident everyone is going to blast me

Angie

First blast:

:thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup::thumbsup:

Is this blast coming from a man or woman:)

Really, how anybody else feels about this isn’t important. Truly.

You need to go contemplate somewhere what your values are, what you want in a long term relationship. What you can deal with.

The person who thought you were insecure has it very wrong. You have a set of values and morals that says being paid to take your clothes off and let other people touch you intimately is wrong. You believe that level of intimacy should be reserved for the one special person in your life, not cheapened by being willing to sell it to others.

You are entitled to your beliefs.

That isn’t insecurity, it is quite the opposite. Security in your beliefs. Do you want to compromise those beliefs for the sake of a relationship?

Whether others can make a distinction/emotional separation between paid performance art and true intimacy is irrelevant. You will have to look at yourself in the mirror and be comfortable with yourself, and that includes not believing you compromised your values.

This behavior is inherently sinful. Furthermore, it is scandalous, potentially leading others to sin.

….My feelings about this are mixed. Part of me is upset and disappointed - we have not seen each other naked and the fact that she allowed another guy to be that intimate with her, let alone see her chest in that manner just breaks my heart. I’m her boyfriend and never “got that far” with her (I know, I’m a loser). I feel like a fool; a small mouse. Here’s a guy she she barely even knew getting to kiss her and take her bra off for sake of art and story telling. And here am I … :frowning: She did say the scene was pivotal to the story and was artfully done. That does little to ease the hurt and disappointment. I’m not sure if I’m even going to see the movie, but I want to in order to support her. The other part of me tells me to take it like a man and apply the “it’s art” reasoning and the “if you don’t like it look away.” Of course knowing that others want to see her naked is also disturbing (IMDb is one bizarre place). They’re practically rejoicing.

Sexual immorality whether some see it as art or not, is still sin. Please take some time read about and contemplate chastity as presented by reputable Catholic sources.

….I know that I am not in a place to tell her what scripts and what scenes to do and not do, since she is in charge of her career, and that in the future there’s a good chance that she might accept a role where she’s doing another explicit scene (that’s pivotal and tastefully done) that it’s something I must get over….

No, you are not her boss. You most certainly should not approve of her sinful actions, though.

Are you comfortable dating someone who accepts money for, in part, engaging in graphic, sexual behavior with others for the world to see? Do you want to be married to someone who accepts money for doing with others some of the same things you and her do in your own bedroom as husband and wife?

The actress is NOT “doing the same things you and her do in your own bedroom.” She is portraying a CHARACTER who is “doing the same things you and her do in the bedroom.”

There is a huge difference. Keep it straight.

I don’t know what the movie/script was about. I realize it might be a tawdry, meaningless story that contributes nothing to the good of mankind and is little more than graphic porn.

But there are many stories throughout history in which the characters have committed grave and horrible sins, and yet the story has made a positive impact on the world.

An example would be Shakespeare’s “Macbeth.” This story features one of the most evil characters of all time, Lady MacBeth, who exhorts her weak husband to join her in her sins.

Would you say that this story should not be told and is not art because the characters commit sins that are scandalous?

Another example is the canon of stories about Sherlock Holmes (Doyle). The villain Moriarity is a monster. Is an actor who portrays this character doing something wrong? Should a woman reject as a husband an actor who is willing to portray Moriarity?

A more modern example of such a story is Mitchell’s Gone With The Wind. Both the novel and the movie present Scarlett O’Hara, a scheming, selfish woman who is willing to do almost anything to get what she wants. Was Vivian Leigh an evil person because she portrayed this character on the screen?

There are many stories in which women get caught up in sexual sin, and not all of these stories are trash. MANY women here on CAF have no doubt committed sexual sin, and have repented and gone on to live saintly lives. Hearing the stories of these women can be very uplifting to others who are struggling with sins in their own lives.

I think we need to be careful when we make the claim that various works are not “art.” We don’t even know the movie that the OP’s girlfriend was in, and what the story was, and what the motivations of the character are.

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