Am I being unreasonable to my wife?


#1

Hello ladies and gentlemen,

Thanks alot for having on this board. I was born and raise catholic.

At the moment I am clashing with my wife on some domestic/household issues. I told my wife that I don’t feel it’s necessary to work since I make a very good salary ( and I mean very good). I suggested it is more important that she focus more on the domestic front and be a homemaker. I also suggested that instead of chasing a career, she rather spend her time devoting herself to charitable causes and the community since she will never “want”. Anything she needs/wants I can pretty much get several times over and in abundance.

I also asked her to kindly ask or let me know of her plans and where she is going, since I as the man give her enough respect to tell her where I am, what I am doing and how long I will be.

She tells me I am being unreasonable and controlling.

Fair enough, I work extra hard to make sure that she will never desire anything and that anything she wants I can get.

After a few attempts I finally told her to do what she wants and I will say no more.

Are my being completely unreasonable? If I am, don’t be timid about telling me off.:thumbsup:


#2

Is your wife Catholic also? If she works when you can provide, she is taking a job away from someone who may need it more. She needs to pray for God to direct her life.

Have you tried using God’s secret weapon, Ephesians 5:22 ? LOL

Ask her to listen to the following talks. I wish I had as a young wife, it would have saved me so much difficulty. We are called to be a sign of contradiction in the world, never more so than today.

trueteaching.net/Other/ The Marriage talks are at the bottom.


#3

I think leaving a note to say where I’m going and when I’ll be back is just common courtesy. —KCT


#4

Yes, Although she wasn’t a practising Catholic when we met. However she was baptised as a catholic and her family is catholic.

If she works when you can provide, she is taking a job away from someone who may need it more. She needs to pray for God to direct her life.

HA! I never even though of that one. I just told her accumulating more money when there is no need for it is greedy and unreasonable. So far I can manage some of her shopping sprees and her wanting a new car. I haven’t quite managed to figure out how to buy her a bank:p (joking)

Have you tried using God’s secret weapon, Ephesians 5:22 ? LOL

Nope I never went the biblical route. I was going to seek the counsel of the Catholic Church and hope they could talk some sense to her, as anything I say will be seen as another form of control. But she wouldn’t have to worry any more because I am not going to say anything any more.

Thanks


#5

What you are asking for is not unreasonable. It is possible though that the way that you are asking might be unreasonable. I hope that you are not demanding that she give up her career. Have you talked to her about why she wants to keep working?

While personally I do think that it is best to have a husband who works to support the family and a wife whose job it is to look after the home and family, sometimes fitting into that neat little box is not as easy as it should be. Sometimes there are economic reasons that it won’t work for certain families. Other times there are control issues that make it not such a good idea.

Are you aware that men who are controlling and abusive to their wives do have the frequent tendency to want their wives to stay home? They don’t want them to have any type of economic independence. They also have the tendency to demand to know where their wives are at all times. I think if a husband is at work, he doesn’t need to know each and every move his wife makes. She should be able to go to the grocery store or run other typical errands without having to inform him of her every move.

I am a little bit sensitive in this regard as I was in an abusive marriage. I did give up my job and stay home with the kids. This had been what my husband had wanted, and he lorded his high salary over me, thinking it gave him great value and in comparison that I was worthless. He also was very obsessive, wanting to know where I was at all times. Our grocery store was a deadzone for cell phone service, and it still makes me feel a bit panicked to grocery shop there because I still remember how angry he would be if he called and couldn’t reach me when I was at the grocery store. He probably called me ten times a day and would sometimes come home unannounced in the middle of the day. Every time I vacuumed I was afraid that I was missing hearing the phone ring. That’s no way to live.

So, while you might think common courtesy would dictate that you always know where she is, I think common courtesy would also dictate that you not need to know, that you would trust her and be willing to give her some space.


#6

I would like to read “her” side of the story.


#7

I voted for Yes. I do not think that this is a domestic/household issue. In fact the disagreements between your wife and you stem from differences in your life goals and expectations from each other. Did you discuss these issues before you got married?

This is a passive-aggressive way to tell you that she does not agree with you.

This is your passive-aggressive way how to disagrre with her.

There are several issues going on between you and your spouse because of a lack of communication. Talking to each other and not listening to each other is going to ruin your marriage. Your disagreements should lead to some sort of compromise not to a war. Do you really want to win?


#8

Dear miss dulcissima
I am truly sorry to hear about your abusive husband. Your right that no way to live and I suppose you have need to trust another man ever again. Was he a catholic? However realise that not all men are like that. I certainly am not. You just had bad luck. If your husband had been a much better man I suppose you wouldn’t mind showing him the same respect he should have showed you.

I believe my case is slightly different.

She associates being a housewife/homemaker as being inferior and submissive.

I am not going to go into the details of how much I make but I made it a point to make sure we live in the best neighbourhood in Bucks county and made sure she got the house she wants. She always gets any money she asks for and anything she needs. There is yet to be a time when she asks for something and I cant provide. (I haven’t quite worked out how to turn off the stars in the sky but I am working on it:D )

regardless I love her anyway which is why I am taking the path of least resistance and let her do as she pleases. even though she prefers to resist me on everything and insist that I am just controlling and that I am not giving her freedom or that I want her to submit to something.

I am sorry but as for telling me where she is there is not excuse. if out of 100 times she forgets to let me know or can’t reach me 10 times or 15 I can forgive that, but if out of 100 she forgets 90 times there is a problem.

I am just not sure of my level of tolerance and how long before I start looking for a way out.

thanks


#9

Looking for a way out? There has to be a lot more going on here than what you are posting. You would leave your wife because she wants to work?

I only wanted to give you another perspective and that is why I posted my story. I think it was because there were two issues you mentioned, the working and the wanting to know where she was all the time, that I thought it might be helpful for you to see how those two issues can be a problem for women. I know it might be totally different from your situation, but unfortunately those types of behaviors are not uncommon in a marriage. My now ex-husband was not Catholic when we married. He did come into the Church a few years ago; however, he still does not believe or practice much of what the Church teaches.

I do agree with a previous poster that this is probably really about communication. I think it is about control too. Men aren’t the only ones who have issues with control.

Do you have children? I find it very hard to believe that a woman with young children would not prefer to stay at home.


#10

Well, I think letting you know where she is is a common courtesy.

I have to say though, I would be very put off if I was told to not work anymore. She has worked hard as well and probably doesn’t want to just give that up. Did you discuss these issues before you were married? Or maybe she wants to have her own income to spend. Personally I hate asking other people for money. I always fear that I’m making someone give me money that they could be using for other things. If I spend money on the wrong thing I want it to be MINE and not someone else’s. The last thing I want to do is be irresponsible with other’s money. Maybe she wants to be able to be able to take care of herself instead of always being the one taken care of.


#11

I just wanted to add that you probably are not the abusive/controlling type otherwise you probably never would have married a strong-willed independent type of a woman. I think that the controlling/abusive types only marry the accommodating/submissive types like me.

I just wanted to be sure that you didn’t think that I was implying that about you…


#12

Patrick,

Do you and your wife have children? If you do, fine, but if not, why is it so important for her to give up her career? My husband and I aren’t able to have kids, and if he asked me to give up my career and stay home to take care of the house for him, I would go crazy. Seriously, I can handle it for a few days but then I would start to go into a depression from the isolation, and also because I enjoy my career. Perhaps your wife is of the same temperment. If there were kids involved that might be enough to keep her from mental anguish, but I don’t know her side of the story so I can’t say for sure.

As for asking her to let you know where she is going: depends on what you mean by that. If I’m home and my husband is at work, I’m not going to call him each time I leave the house to go to the grocery store, etc. If you’re expecting that, then yes, I think that is controlling because it seems that you wish to account for her time. That on top of wishing her to quit working would send up big red flags.

Now if you only wish that she tells you “Hey, I’m probably meeting so-and-so for lunch and shopping today”, then I think that’s perfectly reasonable. My husband and I don’t need to have a full account of each other’s time, but we do like to have a rough estimate.


#13

Maybe her refusal to tell you where she is/when she is coming back is a protest because that is the way she can express her anger for you because you don’t want her to have a career.
You can buy her a lot of stuff but not happiness.
Do you work a lot? How often are you two together? Do you talk?
When I read your posts, it sounds to me like you are very caregiving, reliable and patient but also maybe treat her like your little doll?
Maybe she wants you to acknowledge her strength as a woman, as a person.

I don’t know how religious you are, but prayer together + talking + maybe asking your priest to help will take you to a solution of your problem. God bless you both!


#14

Hello Patrick,

I’m new here, but I’d like to offer up my humble opinion as well. I suppose I just don’t understand why it is so important to you for her to not work. I fully understand that you can easily support your household on your own, and I’m sure she understands that as well. Is it possible that she wants to work not for the money, but because she enjoys what she does? I echo other posters in wondering if you have children, or are you two planning on starting a family soon? Honestly, I see no problem in her continuing to work if it’s something she enjoys, and I really don’t understand why you don’t want her to. Is there more going here?

Also, I think asking her to disclose her general plans for the day isn’t asking too much (i.e. “Honey I’ll be running errands today”). However, asking her to inform you everytime she goes to bank, grocery store, post office, etc. is a bit unreasonable.


#15

Ok, I’ll be frank. :smiley:

I don’t think your sentiments are unreasonable. It sounds to me like you want to take care of your wife and give her the freedom to contribute to society and to the marriage in whatever way she wants without worrying about money.

However, if you presented it to her the way you phrased it in your post, this probably didn’t come across very clearly, so I’m not surprised she reacted the way she did.

In the present culture, the best way to make sure a woman won’t want to stay home is to present these notions to her in the manner you just did. :slight_smile: She’s likely to think you just want a free maid, rather than a wife and an equal partner.

In short, assuming you aren’t trying to limit her opportunities here, I’d say that “controlling” label is a bit off the mark.

Just my :twocents:


#16

Hi ladies and gents,

Sorry for the delay I have been working on some things.

ok to answer all the questions.

Does she have children? There is one on the way. so although she has not yet popped she still wants to work. why not stay home and relax. too much moving around doesn’t make sense and accidents can happen the more you move around pregnant. But hey I am not saying a single thing this time because if there is a problem. I told you so…

however when our marriage first began I did suggest she not work and let me provide but she sees domestic chores as being submissive. I can understand that so I don’t say much on that.

It seems to be a case of pride in asking for money from someone. But I am not someone. I am her man and that is what I am here for. If she asks I will give, as long as it reasonable. If she asks for monry for shoes. I will have no problem. If she ask me for her own personal jet. that would be difficult.

Are my controlling/abusive?No. I don’t try and force people. I offer advice and hope to God they make the right choice.

Are my protective?Yes, most definitely. I would rather sacrifice my time and energies to making sure my wife shall never want.

On the issue of the common courtesy of telling me where she is. I don’t expect to tell every time where she is. However if she is going to travel well out of our county of Buckinghamshire to travel 10miles to another town, that information, should she choose to pass it on, is of paramount importance. But to avoid being the bad guy I am not saying anything incase I get accused of being authoritarian.


#17

Okay, I am not meaning any offense…but your posts are bringing out a strong implication that the issue here is not one of finances or working, but of respect.

I voted yes for controlling because your posts are completely founded on an assumption that you are right and that you expect her to fall into line.

The feeling I’m left with when reading this thread is someone who is very comfortable with their authority and power…and thus doesn’t fall into the typical idea of “controlling” e.g. angry, belligerent and critical.

OP, if your approach to this issue with your wife is the same as your approach on this board, it must sound to her that you expect her to kneel down and obey because you are all-powerful and mighty.


#18

I am also wondering if you come from a culture outside of the UK?


#19

Yes, I think you are being unreasonable. The above statement is what clued me in. You seem to think that money talks, and that any wife who doesn’t want to be “kept” by you is being unreasonable. So, if you start looking for a way out, what do you think she is going to do to support herself? If you have all the money you say you do, you can afford a cleaning person, a gardener, and a nanny for the children. If a career is important to your wife, then she should have one. It is as simple as that.


#20

hasikelee i take no offence. Thats the reason I brought up this topic. I wanted to see if I was being completely unreasonable or not. I am not the kind of guy that believes I am the all power and she must obey and submit. Even if it says so in the scripture. I just don’t like the idea of someone submitting to me or obeying because I just don’t like that feeling.

So far the tide seems to be going to a resounding “YES”. In which case I will have to talk to the counsel to see what they say and if it follows a similar pattern then I will have to give her what she wants altogether and not complain.

I can then take a more backseat role and she can do more breadwinning and pay for her own things.

Thanks;)


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