I have grown up in a quite religious family. When I was a kid we always pray the Holy Rosary everyday and go to mass every Sunday. When I was in High school once I experienced such great peace and happiness praying the Holy Rosary. So I ask my mother about religious life, but she gets mad at me and my siblings all laugh at me.
So I ignore it. I go on with my life, went to college then got a degree. Then I got these problems with myself, for I can’t seem to figure out what I want. I end up jumping from one job to another. I was never happy though I have some relationship but end up to nothing, then I undergo with depression but never talk to anyone about, I only speak to God through prayers. I pray so hard, for I thought I’m going insane. The more I pray my fears and worries multiply. I can neither sleep nor eat. Until I given up, I cried so hard and promised to never pray and stop believing that He exist and that moment I felt so bad and ask forgiveness, and I was like saying, “ ok I’m a miserable sinner, I don’t deserve anything from you. Do whatever you want in my life, for I am soo tired and please help me.” Then I fell in my bed and fall asleep like a baby and when I woke up I felt an overwhelming peace. My worries and fears still there but it doesn’t bother me anymore. That day I said to myself, I want to be a nun. But then my visa for working abroad arrives and I already have a schedule for my flight. So I promised myself to enter a religious life just when I finished my contract.
So after two years I got home, but I was left confused because my family needs me and my sister made a petition for me. So my promised to myself a years ago was never realized. After a couple of years, after my dear father passed away, I experience again, this kind of feeling of being at home and at a peace every time I visit the adoration chapel. And every time I attend the mass, I feel such joy, that I can never explain. I love God and want to serve him for the rest of my life, for He loves me.
When I talk about it to my mother, her reaction still the same, way back then, and I have this great fear of visiting a religious congregation because I was scared If I’m called for consecrated life for this will change my life and knowing myself, knowing how I value my freedom. I don’t know what to do. There’s no one I could talk about it, and so far I’m busy with my job, even visiting our local priest. So I’m hoping someone here know and understand how I feel. Please help me. Thank you very much. May God Bless us all…