Am I going to hell?


Give you the short version…

Converted to Catholicism - 1991
Married to (name of DXH deleted) 1993
Had 2 more children - 1995 and 1997
Leave DXH because he is severely abusive to me and kids - 1998
Divorce is initiated by me and later dropped - 1999
DXH impregnates his paramour, who gives birth to his son, 2000
Divorce initiated by DXH and becomes finalized in 2002
DXH remarries 2002
Yours truly enters Navy 2006
Yours truly meets a (non Catholic) widower who treats me with respect 2006
Marriage before JP scheduled on 20 Dec 2007

I cannot bring myself to identify with the Catholic religion anymore, true, I did go to Mass in bootcamp, but that was the last time I did, I cannot bear walking into a Catholic church knowing I am a second class citizen for even THINKING about getting remarried. Yes I was a 19 year old kid who made a MISTAKE. and a BIG ONE. Must I pay for it the rest of my life before I can be saved.

I truly think God hates me. why else would my life be so full of big-time problems. Once again I am on the outside looking in and saying to myself "Man…"
I have nothing against the Church, I would come back if I could.



Have you even looked into an annulment?

Would you be willing to postpone your remarriage (and any relations) until that process was finalized?

It doesn’t sound to me as if you have given this much consideration and I think you should.

I suspect that you’ll soon discover that you are anything but a second class citizen.

Know that you are now in my prayers.


Good luck explaining all this to my fiance, is about all I can tell you for now.

I would get an annulment if I could find the A. H. (I’ll let you figure out what this particular abbreviation stands for)
His kids call me “Mom” (their real mom died in a violent car crash four years ago) How could I tell them not to call me that? :frowning:

Anyway, any help you could provide would be… appreciated.


How are you being treated as “second class”?
Nothing is forcing you to reject the Church and nothing is causing you to do anything sinful.

The Church openly welcomes you with open arms, but it has rules that must be followed for your well being (literally) and that of the Church. It is a tough and touchy issue, but the fact is divorce and remarriage was never part of God’s plan and is forbidden by none other than Jesus Himself. Your duty is to remain unmarried, as hard as that may sound, and you will remain a Catholic in good standing and worthy to partake in the Sacraments.


Dear Seabee, you are making this a lot harder than it needs to be. You need to go to Church, find the priest, tell him the whole story, make a good confession, and start the annulment proceedings.

I don’t know how religious you are, but, Satan will attempt to deceive you into thinking you’re not welcome in the Church of God. It simply isn’t true. Come home.

The annulment tribunal will take this all into consideration. No you don’t need to “pay” not even one second more.

No, God loves you, and so do we. You are in my prayers. Now go see the priest!


you don’t have to locate your ex, you have to talk to your priest who will guide you on the annulment process. you are not being punished by the Catholic Church for a youthful mistake, you did not commit a sin. You are paying the unfortunate price of an innocent partner in a marriage to someone with those issues, a punishment arising from the circumstances of your first marriage, not from any action of the Church or anyone connected with the Church.

talk to your priest or Catholic chaplain who will get you started on the annulment process. you do not have to locate or contact your ex, what you have to do is complete a questionnaire giving all the relevant info, provide your divorce papers, and baptismal certs if either of you were baptized–if you have no idea about your ex, the tribunal can investigate this for you. you provide contact info with potential witnesses who can testify to circumstances that pertained at the time of your marriage which, in your estimation, render that marriage invalide. The tribunal will also guide you through what those reasons might be.

there are several good annulment threads on the liturgy forum which will give you links to good sources on the general topic.

I doubt very much anyone connected with the Church has called you a second class citizen, and certainly no one here has done so. we can’t very well welcome you if you don’t even come in.

come on home, we’ll leave the light on for you.


You dont need to find the A.H.:smiley: (I have one of those too)…but I do suggest that you speak with a Priest about your situation and let him guide you on what steps to take


Were these kids from a previous marriage of his? If so, you’ve practically got a paper annulment.

And no, you don’t have to tell his kids not to call you “Mom.” Don’t be ridiculous. A mom and a dad are the ones who care for a child: you can always be their “Mom” no matter what your relation to their biological father is.

One of my great regrets in life is that I always called my step-dad “Monte” while still calling my biological father “Dad,” when my did far more for me and many more sacrifices than my Dad did. Let those kids call you “Mom” if they want to: if so, you’ve earned the title.



Hey, if the guy loves ya then he’ll make a real effort to understand, right?

I would get an annulment if I could find the A. H. (I’ll let you figure out what this particular abbreviation stands for)

Don’t know that that is actually necessary. It doesn’t sound to me like you’ve even talked to a priest about it.

His kids call me “Mom” (their real mom died in a violent car crash four years ago) How could I tell them not to call me that? :frowning:

Why would that even matter? So far as they are concerned, you are their Mom. That has absolutely nothing to do with your annulment. If anything, that indicates that you are a better person.:shrug:

Anyway, any help you could provide would be… appreciated.

Well since none of us can give you an annulment online, about all we can do is encourage you to look into the process and don’t be so negative.

Hey, I realize that it hasn’t been an easy path and all that, but you’re the one who asked.

As to whether you’re going to hell, none of us can make that judgement. That is strictly God’s venue, not mine.

It sounds like you’d like to resolve all this and that’s why I encourage you to contact a priest and get all this dealt with. It’s not like the Church wants to condemn you or anything. Sheesh! we ALL make mistakes. It’s not that that defines us but how we deal with those mistakes and it sounds like you’ve really struggled.

Remember one very important thing from Jesus Himself, okay?
Luke 4:[18] "The Spirit of the Lord is upon me,
because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim release to the captives
and recovering of sight to the blind,
to set at liberty those who are oppressed,

[19] to proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord."
and [/size]

Matthew 12:[20] he will not break a bruised reed
or quench a smoldering wick,
till he brings justice to victory;[/FONT]


Make no mistake about it, despair is the work of the devil. Jesus (and therefore, his Church) always has his arms open for you. The only sin that he can’t forgive is the one that you won’t ask forgiveness for. Thinking that you are bound for hell is simply a lie of the devil.

God gives us tempations all the time to make us stronger, the devil tempts us in order to cause despair and encourage us to turn away from God. That’s how you can tell the difference.

It sounds to me like you want to come back, but don’t know how to get started. Trust Jesus, he’ll help you! Call a priest, any priest worth his salt will be delighted to get you back!

You were created for Heaven. God wants you with him for all eternity, the first step is always the hardest, after that, it’s all downhill!


There are a lot of us in the Church that have very similar stories like yours. Please look into an annulment prior to your marriage, if at all possible. The Holy Spirit has triggered something in you to seek guidance from the Church.

God Bless!


I will pray for you. If you’ve sinned, your sin isn’t against “the church”, it is against God. What you need is not “the church”, and its approval, but the love of Jesus and His forgiveness. Once you’ve experienced God’s mercy and His forgiveness, you will no longer live in fear. Your hardships are for a reason. Take refuge in Jesus. If you come to Him for mercy, He will not reject you.


Everyone on here is giving you hreat advice. Do what they say. Seek an annulment, talk to a priest. No one is guilting you at all, and a lot of people have gone through what you have. My prayers go out to you.

And by the way, if anyone, anyone, EVER calls or treats you as “second class” because you were divorced and got out of an abusive relationship then they are NOT worth your time, and I’d say their sin is greater than any of yours. (not that there is a scale, but at least you are repentant for yours. They are judging and hating you to make thmselves feel better, and Jesus has VERY specific words for those people).

Hold your head high, you are seeking to do the right thing, and that is a marvelous thing. As for your fiancee, if he can’t/won’t understand why you need to do this, just explain to him that it is important to you, and if he is any decent person at all, he will understand. Hold your head high, and know that for your faith and desire to do what is right, Jesus smiles down on you.


I have a cousin whose story is almost identical to yours. She married at 19, had seven kids, but her husband starting abusing her shortly after the honeymoon.

She got a civil divorce and started the annulment process. Her young age at the time of the wedding and his abusive treatment of her were both taken into consideration. The annulment was granted, and she remarried within the Catholic Church. She is today a very happy practicing Catholic.

It sounds like you have an excellent case for an annulment. I stongly urge you to speak to a priest. You stated “I have nothing against the Church, I would come back if I could.” Well, if that’s true, you owe it to yourself to check out getting an annulment.


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