Am I jealous?


#1

Hi everyone…
I’m really confused about something for a long time and I thought of asking you guys, so someone could give me an answer:)
This problem really bothers me and I don’t want it to stand in my way…so let me tell you.

I have a boyfriend and we both are members of this social networking site (facebook). I trust him alot and he trusts me too and we are having a serious relationship. BUT there is a problem…he has a lot of people in his friendslist and the list keeps increasing each day. I don’t mind friends at all and he knows that too, but he keeps adding unknown people all the time and when I asked him about it he said that he just adds them for his profession. All he does is have some random chat with them, like teenagers would do and act funny with them, anyways he says he needs to talk to various people so that he’ll be able to do his script writing work (he is studying film direction). I don’t know about the messages he sent to those people, I just saw the messages on his ‘public wall’.
I understand that you need to talk to lots of people for inspiration(maybe), but the weird thing is that he mainly added girls in the past! I also asked him why he does so and he said that guys don’t add him so quickly. Then we had an arguing about it, because I don’t think it’s necessary to add so many people everyday. Anyway nowadays he adds more guys too, but girls are still in majority.
Another thing which happened before this was, that he hid his friendslist from me and I noticed 1 day and just asked him normally and he said I did it so “that you won’t get hurt” and I asked why should I get hurt? And he never gave me any explanation for that…but afterwards his friendslist was viewable for me though.
He also doesn’t like giving me his password of that account…I don’t mind giving any of my password, because I got nothing to hide and he knows that I would give him my password anytime. What I don’t understand is, why is a password such a big deal for him? Does he have something to hide? Or am I just jealous and overreact?:confused: I really don’t know…
I haven’t talked about this issue with him after that 1 arguing, but it still bothers me…
What do you guys think about this?
Please let me know…

Thanks alot:)


#2

It may or may not be jealousy - I’d call it a lack of trust, IF I’m interpreting it all correctly. It’s possible that you want to be able to control your environment, and knowing who your boyfriend is chatting to - especially if they’re female - is one way to do that.

If you trust him completely, it wouldn’t matter who he chatted to, who he was friends with, or even who he had supper alone with. You’d know he wasn’t cheating on you, and so none of it would be a cause for concern.

Married couples (not talking from my own experience, but that of my parents) know they don’t need to live in each other’s pockets all the time, and if one goes out to see people, it’s not necessary for the other one to keep an eye on them. They can have mutual friends, but they can also each have their own friends.

A couple still developing their relationship before marriage doesn’t necessarily have that degree of trust developed yet. It’s something to work on. If your boyfriend hasn’t cheated on you with the people on Facebook, try to feel contentment and safety in that.

Also remember that Facebook has all sorts of “friends” that are not labelled explicitly (there are some ways to do that, but mostly it doesn’t seem to be done in detail) - “friends” may be people you work with, met once and had a good chat to, i.e. acquaintances. Not all Facebook friends are people you socialise with, or even people you want to socialise with, never mind potential cheating partners. If you labelled your Facebook friends as “Acquaintance”, “Know him but wouldn’t have a drink with him”, “Work with him, don’t talk much”, “Someone I knew at school and haven’t seen in years”, etc., people would end up being offended. Worse still would be having a rating system where you rate your friends from 1-10. Facebook is a social network, not an antisocial network. So take it for what it is - not for what our natural paranoid tendencies imagine it to be.

So, what to do? Build up your trust in him, and pray. When you feel anxious, pray, and try to trust him. If you’re in doubt as to whether or not it’s sinful jealousy, confess it anyway - an objective ear and the grace of confession will help in the fight.


#3

I think there COULD be cause for concern, but it’s really hard to know. I think it just depends on your boyfriend and his character. I work in a courtroom, and I’ve seen the MySpace/Facebook type sites become an issue in divorce because of very inappropriate things one of the spouses is posting or saying.

Depending on the stage your relationship is at, you need to evaluate. If you are where you are seriously anticipating marriage, you need to look at who he is as a whole (he needs to do the same). Are there things about him that just bother you but don’t really make a difference and you can live with him? Are there things that you cannot live with. While you can certainly talk and discuss and compromise, do not go into anything expecting that you can “change him.”

Sorry there does not seem to be a lot of advice I can give you. It’s so fact specific and without knowing either of you, it’s hard to get a feel for what’s going on in this particular instance.


#4

You must misunderstand Facebook. That’s what it’s for. If that’s all there is going on, then yes you are being too jealous - unjustifiably so.


#5

sorry I am too old for this thread as I prefer to have friends the old fashioned way, in person and in relationship, up front an honest, not behind an internet shield. It is my personal opinion based on no solid research whatever that spending more time with electronic relationships than with real ones betrays a real poverty of personality development. If you are not married or engaged or in the later stages of courtship leading to engagement you are not in a serious relationship, much less an exclusive one where you are entitled to monitor each other’s friendships.


#6

He’s adding a bunch of girls to his list and messaging them. You are not allowed/able to read the conversations. He placates you by claiming this is for his future writing career.

Whether you’re jealous or not jealous, it is clear that you two have a different idea of what relationship you two are in.

You might be acting jealous and that might be your own issue, but I wouldn’t wonder for a second what he was doing if I was in your position. It’s pretty clear to me, if your post is accurate.

Does he have a webcam too?

I bet if you swept his pc you’d find a motherload hahaha.


#7

What do you exactly mean with “You might be acting jealous and that might be your own issue, but I wouldn’t wonder for a second what he was doing if I was in your position.”?
Yes he has a webcam…is that wrong?:confused:


#8

I do add people too or people add me, but normal people add few people a week right? Not like 10-20 a week?:confused:


#9

I mean that your behavior, standing by itself, might be called jealousy (and you would know that in your heart as well) but he is not the angel here.

Webcams are an important aspect of having an online relationship.


#10

There are tons of people obsessed with Facebook who are “friend collectors” and add as many people as possible (looking around on there at times, I can find people with over 1000 listed friends :eek:). Add a business dynamic - trying to network and establish connections, and it would be easy to do what this guy is doing. I think you are overreacting, or misunderstanding the situation (given what you’ve said).


#11

It doesn’t matter if you are jealous or if he is wrong. What does matter is that you are both not on the same page. That is what you need to figure out. You may both be right. But you can’t both be right and be happy together. It’s ok if it bothers you that he adds random girls as friends. It’s also ok that he adds random girls (as long as it’s for the purpose he states and nothing else). So what do you do??? This is where communication and compatibility come into a relationship…it can’t all be just about love.


#12

I think it is totally over the top that you would even suggest that he give you his email password. That you would give him yours is totally beside the point. Keep in mind that this person is your boyfriend. If you don’t like him adding people to his facebook or talking to them, then you are perfectly free to leave him, no need for mind games.


#13

OK, puzzleannie, I’m not sure if it is just me or not, but I find your post really funny, coming from someone with over 18,000 posts on an internet forum.


#14

#15

As someone who works in the film/tv industry its **extremely **important to network, collect names, because the industry is all about who you know. One never knows when that one person who you met online will lead you to a connection. Most people who get jobs get them because of someone they met a conference, facebook, and one of the other hundreds of industry forums.

If your boyfriend is in this field, I think its important to ask yourself whether this will bother you or not. Personally I don’t really care who my boyfriend/husband would have on his list, nor do I believe that I have a right to see it and know his passwords.


#16

I wouldn’t call it jealousy at all, but natural concern. Just don’t be too investigative. Let it simmer down for a month or so, and see how it goes. Keep an eye on it, confront only when you see a serious problem.

Remember, watch his posts to others on facebook more than the others’ to him, girls may act all flirty, but it’s his response that should be of a concern to you.

Vent: Facebook is rubbish, it’s a great place for identity theft and seems to be some kind of internet cult.

:smiley:


#17

Girls_Questions, you overreact a bit, at least on the emotional level. You may be right, of course, but still try to approach the problem with a level head first of all. Asking someone for a password is a bit intrusive and I understand people feeling bad about being asked.

Using myself as an example, I can tell you I’m not paranoid about passwords. A couple of people know some of my passwords and in fact, I don’t know theirs, with the exception of one. On a couple of occasions I’ve asked a close friend to read me my mail or check it for me when I haven’t been able to. But if someone asked me for my e-mail password (not some account he might need for a real reason), I wouldn’t tell him. On principle.

People’s correspondence is private. :wink:

On the other hand if there’s a lot of a person’s life to which you don’t have access and which is password-protected from you, then you might need to reevaluate your relationship with that person. I agree with what Hasikalee said.


#18

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