[quote="moosey, post:1, topic:205951"]
I am a long time user but needed to be discreet in order to post this because I don't want friends or family to know about my situation.
I had a hunch something was wrong and went through my spouses emails and facebook and discovered that my significant other was seeing another person, but I did not know how far it really went. I confronted the person and they admitted a relationship but nothing happened except for going to the bar. The next day they admitted that they kissed. I forgave my spouse and we decided to work on our marriage through counseling. I also demanded all passwords for email/facebook accounts.
My problem is that I am having a hard time with trust right now. I find myself constantly looking at phone records to see if anything is still going on right now. My priest said to stop beating myself over this because it is only natural for someone to do in my situation. Bridges need to be rebuild, and its going to take time.
My other already suspects that I am looking at records and has changed passwords and deleted text messages, and I don't want to cause a fight and then be wrong about this new number. There is also a new number that is supposedly for a coworker, but it does not match the number on the employee list and all messages have been deleted.
Advice please. Guys? Ladies?
Sorry this is so scatter brained...
You are in a very difficult situation. But it is not hopeless.
I don't think that trying to get back to life "as it was" is going to be a solid option. You both must decide to move ahead together, assuming you both have the desire and capacity.
As for you, you may not be able to trust your "old" husband, because what evidence do you have that he wouldn't do it again, albeit more carefully? And you probably shouldn't, not without some demonstration from him that he wishes to become totally transparent and open to you, and start a "new" beginning.
Which leads me to my second point, that he will have to decide that his actions were very destructive, and that he needs to pursue a new direction with you. Until now, he has chosen a life that contains a significant element of deceipt, playing in the shadows as it were. He may have felt a perverse sense of "freedom" by having a life larger than the one you know about, and he is going to have to want to tackle this very powerful demon. This is going to be huge for him, a real life-changer.
Which leads me to my third point, that if both you and he are willing to do this (not a small "if"), at some point later down the line, after a lot of healing, you may need to step a bit out of your own comfort zone as well. The status quo turned out to be a bit of an illusion. It may be time for you to reflect on the actions chosen by your husband. He is the one who is supposed to be closer and more trustworthy to you than anyone, but he is also the one you are supposed to know better than anyone. There is no blame here for you, honestly, but there may be some opportunity for both of you, as hard as it is to see right now in this mess that he has made.
I will remember you in my rosary tonight.