Am I Pushing Husband Too Much?


#1

I am sure that some of you have read about our financial troubles and stuff. My husband and I are both making a concerted effort to cut back and find ways to supplement our current income.

I feel that my husband can use his musical talents to bring in a little extra money and have a great time doing it. He is an excellent musician (plays guitar) but has never done anything but play with friends in his hometown. He does not have as much confidence in himself as I do. I am pushing him to find a band or some place to play. A local restaurant has invited him to play for a free dinner and tips. I am trying to get my husband to go for it. Also, I think he could join a band and possibly make a little extra money doing gigs. Anyway, do you think I am out of line? Frankly, I think my husband could hang the moon, but I am very biased. :stuck_out_tongue:


#2

Do encourage him. He may not know that others think he is any good until he starts getting the tips. Then he will think"hey, people DO like me and my music" I wouldn’t call what you are doing pushing, I call it encouragement. Pushing would be if you nagged him to take a high paying job at the cost of his happiness.

I am in a paradox situation where my husband seeks out opportunities to play for money and sometimes I think “Is he taking on too much?” but he always comes out on top of things and with more confidence than before. He is a bussiness man by day, and sidelines as a guitar player/singer.


#3

[quote=ConcernCatholic]Also, I think he could join a band and possibly make a little extra money doing gigs. Anyway, do you think I am out of line?
[/quote]

Not out of line. The best way of making money is to use one’s talents and do something you love. Having a supportive wife who recognizes and encourages the use of those talents is a blessing from God.

Reminds me of a man who lost his customs job. His wife told him it was his opportunity to write the novel he had always wanted. Then she showed him the money she had secretly saved for just such a circumstance. He wrote his novel while living on that savings.

In her diary she wrote:
“I am always so dazzled and bewildered with the richness, the depth, the… jewels of beauty in his productions that I am always looking forward to a second reading where I can ponder and muse and fully take in the miraculous wealth of thoughts”

Because of his wife Sophia’s encouragement, Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote The Scarlet Letter and went on to become a key influence in creating a tradition of American literature. Something that would not have happened without Sophia.


#4

That reminds me of Stephen King’s story. He kept sending his manuscripts in and they kept being rejected. He finally threw them all away, his wife retrieved them from the trash and kept sending them herself. He is now one of the most succesful writers in history.


#5

I just looked him up on wikipedia, and here is the real story, guess I heard it wrong-- but it doesn’t change the message!

One of his first ideas was of a young girl with psychic powers. However, he grew discouraged, and threw it into the trash. Tabitha later rescued it and encouraged him to finish it. After completing the novel, he titled it Carrie, sent it to Doubleday, and more or less forgot about it. Later, he received an offer to buy it with a $2,500 advance (not a large advance for a novel, even at that time). Shortly after, the value of Carrie was realized with the paperback rights being sold for $400,000 (with $200,000 of it going to the publisher).


#6

Be careful what you ask for because you may get it but not in a way that you want it. I speak from personal experience on this.


#7

[quote=Sir Knight]Be careful what you ask for because you may get it but not in a way that you want it. I speak from personal experience on this.
[/quote]

Gotta second this, my DH and I met in a band - playing in a band (outside of a Christian band and they are not know for making money :slight_smile: ) in clubs is not coudusive to a happy home/family life for the band memebers. It is looooong hours, when you play in a club - you will finish around 2 or 3 AM. Practice sessions eat up free time.

The non-band spouse gets to sit in the club or at home while the band member spouse is hit on by those who have been drinking - it takes a very strong relationship to handle that!

So, playing guitar for free dinner and tips, sounds like a nice idea. Playing in a band - well, I’d really think about pushing DH into that!


#8

[quote=Sir Knight]Be careful what you ask for because you may get it but not in a way that you want it. I speak from personal experience on this.
[/quote]

Yep that’s right! I am going to third this opinion. I had a friend that wanted her husband to make a few extra bucks too…Then she couldn’t handle the hours. Don’t expect him to be home hardly ever if he does this.


#9

I’m giving a fourth vote on the be careful what you ask for theme.

The last time I was in a band came very close to costing me my marriage. The music scene is rife with temptations of the worst kind and they come constantly. It’s the reason I stopped playing. My wife wasn’t even aware of what I was going through in this regard because I was too embarassed to talk to her about it. After the last gig I played it dawned on me just how close I was to doing things that I would come to deeply regret and it was the band or my marriage.


#10

[quote=ConcernCatholic]I am sure that some of you have read about our financial troubles and stuff. My husband and I are both making a concerted effort to cut back and find ways to supplement our current income.

I feel that my husband can use his musical talents to bring in a little extra money and have a great time doing it. He is an excellent musician (plays guitar) but has never done anything but play with friends in his hometown. He does not have as much confidence in himself as I do. I am pushing him to find a band or some place to play. A local restaurant has invited him to play for a free dinner and tips. I am trying to get my husband to go for it. Also, I think he could join a band and possibly make a little extra money doing gigs. Anyway, do you think I am out of line? Frankly, I think my husband could hang the moon, but I am very biased. :stuck_out_tongue:
[/quote]

Yes continue to encourage him, but do not be overbearing. Continue to be positive when you talk to him about this and if he is getting defensive then it is time to back away for a while. If he enjoys playing guitar then I would think he would be excited. Again, be positive, encourage, but do not push too hard. IMHO :smiley:


#11

Thank you all so much for your input. I have actually shared this thread with my husband and it has helped him to verbalize why he had reservations and has helped me to better understand his point of view. He loves the idea of playing in a band for fun but doesn’t want to gig because of temptations and time away from the family. He is definitely going to go to the little restaurant to play because we can go as a family. The owner is insistent that his restaurant be family oriented even though they serve some alcohol. My husband is going to work on doing things solo so he doesn’t have to do anything in the club scene. I would love to hear anymore anecdotes/stories so that I can quit hanging on to the idea of him being in band that gigs, unless they play weddings or family events. NO CLUBS!!!


#12

[quote=ConcernCatholic] I would love to hear anymore anecdotes/stories so that I can quit hanging on to the idea of him being in band that gigs, unless they play weddings or family events. NO CLUBS!!!
[/quote]

Since I was the first to express an negative opinion, let me share my story. My wife wanted me to cut back at work (50-60 hours a week to 35-40 hours a week) so that I could spend more time with the family. When there were cut-backs, I wasn’t seen as contributing enough and was let go. Now, I have a LOT of time to spend with the family and my wife has become the main bread winner. Our roles have been reversed. We’re trying to flip them back to the way that they were but it hasn’t happened yet. Bottomline is that my wife got what she wanted but not in the way that she wanted it.


#13

[quote=Sir Knight]Since I was the first to express an negative opinion, let me share my story. My wife wanted me to cut back at work (50-60 hours a week to 35-40 hours a week) so that I could spend more time with the family. When there were cut-backs, I wasn’t seen as contributing enough and was let go. Now, I have a LOT of time to spend with the family and my wife has become the main bread winner. Our roles have been reversed. We’re trying to flip them back to the way that they were but it hasn’t happened yet. Bottomline is that my wife got what she wanted but not in the way that she wanted it.
[/quote]

I have absolutely no complaint about his work hours. He works 40 hours a week and is an assistant manager. He only works 9 miles from home. Whatever he does, it cannot interfere with his day job. That is an absolute must. We are just looking for alternate sources of income so I do not have to get a full time job. I have the skills, resume, and references that would allow me to get a full time job tomorrow. I just don’t want to because I feel that being home for my children is the most important thing for me to do. When I do work, I make sure it is on the day the my husband is off. Also, I am working on selling books online and am trying to get a career service off the ground. Thanks so much for your input. BTW, if anybody needs any help, I will be more than happy to help with job searches and resumes for free. I am still trying to get my feet wet. At this juncture, I would be afraid to charge for fear of failure. I did help my sister find a job making 20 thousand more than she did at her previous job.


#14

[quote=ConcernCatholic] Also, I am working on selling books online and am trying to get a career service off the ground. Thanks so much for your input. BTW, if anybody needs any help, I will be more than happy to help with job searches and resumes for free. I am still trying to get my feet wet. At this juncture, I would be afraid to charge for fear of failure. I did help my sister find a job making 20 thousand more than she did at her previous job.
[/quote]

She is great at doing this too. If you are searching for a job, send her a PM.

Just a little push for you :thumbsup:


#15

[quote=ConcernCatholic]Thank you all so much for your input. I have actually shared this thread with my husband and it has helped him to verbalize why he had reservations and has helped me to better understand his point of view. He loves the idea of playing in a band for fun but doesn’t want to gig because of temptations and time away from the family. He is definitely going to go to the little restaurant to play because we can go as a family. The owner is insistent that his restaurant be family oriented even though they serve some alcohol. My husband is going to work on doing things solo so he doesn’t have to do anything in the club scene. I would love to hear anymore anecdotes/stories so that I can quit hanging on to the idea of him being in band that gigs, unless they play weddings or family events. NO CLUBS!!!
[/quote]

Well, are there any parishes or churches in the area that need a part-time music minister? It seems like there is always a shortage of adults willing to give up one or two nights a week to practice with young adults or choir members and then sing at a couple masses on Sunday. Some of these positions are paid, some aren’t, but the ones in my area usually are. Do you have a diocesan newspaper that might advertise these things?


#16

[quote=Princess_Abby]Well, are there any parishes or churches in the area that need a part-time music minister? It seems like there is always a shortage of adults willing to give up one or two nights a week to practice with young adults or choir members and then sing at a couple masses on Sunday. Some of these positions are paid, some aren’t, but the ones in my area usually are. Do you have a diocesan newspaper that might advertise these things?
[/quote]

That is what my husband does! Evening mass on Sunday and practice during the week. He chooses all the music, makes the copies, makes the song sheets, and is also a volunteer coordinator for the General music ministry at church. It has worked out great for us. Our 2 year old constantly tries to run up to daddy during mass, but our 9 year old is just pleased as peaches that THAT is her daddy. I think it gives her a great example of stewardship.


#17

[quote=Princess_Abby]Well, are there any parishes or churches in the area that need a part-time music minister? It seems like there is always a shortage of adults willing to give up one or two nights a week to practice with young adults or choir members and then sing at a couple masses on Sunday. Some of these positions are paid, some aren’t, but the ones in my area usually are. Do you have a diocesan newspaper that might advertise these things?
[/quote]

Our parish already has a wonderful music minister and none of the surrounding parishes are in need of one. The night the choir practices conflicts with his Knights of Columbus meetings and he can’t really miss those because he is the financial secretary. I get diocesan papers and I have several Catholic jobsites permanently bookmarked on my computer. I am a stay at home librarian mom and I am always on the lookout for part time jobs that my husband and I could do on the side.

Also, we would not feel comfortable getting paid for doing something at a church. When we do things for our parish or any parish, we do it as part of giving our time, talent, and treasure. We try to give as much of our time and talent as we can since we don’t have much treasure right now. We just finished doing our taxes and realized how little we actually make. We make so little that we actually get refunds. :smiley:


#18

DO NOT PUSH

When I get pushed I push back, and it makes me work against my own progress.

Encourage, but never push, and know the difference.

Just because he has an offer from a restaurant does not mean he is emotionally prepared to perform there, unless you already know that the type of music he can provide is acceptable to the owner. If that isn’t an issue then certainly I would encourage him to take a standing offer.

I play organ at two churches for one Mass each per week, and the second church I was pretty worried about, plus I was always worried they would find my music unfavorable compared to their previous player. Finally I got over it and found them to be very warm and even more welcoming than my home parish. Meanwhile, it adds a couple hundred dollars every week.

The problem with being pushed is that if I feel like I made a decision under pressure I am more apt to second-guess the decision and thus find it difficult to fully commit myself to it.

Alan


closed #19

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