Am I really married or am I living a lie?


#1

I have been married for three years, both my husband and I practicant Catholics, with a 2 year old little girl and I am pregnant with another baby girl right now. This pregnancy is a very high risk pregnancy so I have been staying home in rest and will remain that way until the baby is born.

While staying at home, I called my husband one day to work and aked if I could go through a very large pile of old papers he had from before we were married and choose to throw out all the things that were not useful anymore and he agreed. I did so, and amongst those things I found a book binded in many layers of paper, about overcoming homosexuality. My heart sank, but instead of making a drama out of this and endangering the good relationship whe have had up to now, I decided to read the book and see what it had to offer. Many of the descriptions set on the book about the personality of a man with homosexual tendencies fit my husband like a glove, but I decided to accept that he is not perfect, that even though he never told me any of this before we married, he has been a good husband and father up to now. I mentalised myself into thinking that he knows the dangers of taking the Holy Communion if you are in mortal sin and therefore, that this must be a thing of the past. I even doubted the book being his but it is very likely that it is.

To my surprise, a few days ago I was going through my computer’s browsing hystory and found someone has been seeing facebook profile pictures of men in tiny swimsuits; only my husband and I use this computer whichi is my personal computer actually, but since I didn’t see him doing it and sometimes pictures appear as advertisement, I decided to disregard my paranoic mind once more. This happened one Sunday morning before mass and he took the Holy Communion that day so I thought, it was deffinitely in my mind.

But yesterday I caught him redhanded, though he doesn’t know it yet. I was in the bathroom ready to take a shower and he was “watching” our little one. I forgot something and opened the door suddenly and got a clear glimpse of what he was seeing in my computer screen before he collapsed it in a scared click, once again it was men. I acted out as if I had seen nothing and headed back to the shower. But then a thousand thoughts crossed my mind in a second. I am afraid that if I confront him, he will certainly lie to me and hide any further evidence I might find on this; I later checked he deleted the browsing history. This time he did not take Communion during Mass. It makes me wonder, if this is what he sees in my computer, what does he see in his? I have very little access to it.

I am afraid for my personal safety and that of our children if he were engaging in homosexual relationships, but I am also afraid of overreacting and damaging our marital life as it is now. I cannot approach a counselor at the time being because I cannot leave my house without the help of any other person at the time being (cannot drive, cannot climb down the stairs more than once daily and cannot sit for more than two hours in a row) and I would have to explain my reasons to reach counseling without telling my reasons for it. I have not told anyone else about this because I think it is unfair to reach the counsel of persons who are attached to me and cannot take a neutral and “both ways” approach to this delicate subject (my parents, his parents, our mutual and my own friends).

I beg for your counsel and your prayers for help


#2

Well if you were validly married in the eyes of the Catholic Church, then yes, you are indeed married. Just my $.02.

On a related note, perhaps he has SSA. Could be his cross to bear. Perhaps he comitted some other sin and that could be why he did not take communion.

Try and ask him about it. Just tell him what you told us. Be truthful. Don’t judge. And you cannot assume anything other than what you’ve physically seen.

Communication is key! :smiley:

God bless you.


#3

Show him the book you found and just ask him about it-much better to know the truth-he must know you are a smart woman and can check the recent history on your computer.
Prayers for you and your family.


#4

You must be very confused and frightened right now. You may have cause to be. But it might not be the end of your marriage. However, I would advise you to discuss this with your husband as soon as possible. You may not really WANT to know, but you NEED to know.

Here is a very interesting thread, about a man who has same sex attraction but is not a practicing homosexual, instead he has chosen to marry and have children with a woman he loves. The difference is that the woman knew she was marrying a man who is attracted to men. In your case your husband did not tell you, if that is the case with him.

forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?t=684931

Please try not to worry too much (I know it may be impossible!). You will be in my prayers. It will be a very difficult conversation to have with your husband, but you need to know in order to go forward into whatever future is possible.

:console:


#5

You really need to talk to a priest, not the collection of well-meaning but still ill-equiped folk like me and the rest of CAF, to work this out in your head.

All we can do, we will, that being offering prayers.

Peace


#6

A marriage is presumed sacramentally valid unless proven otherwise. You’re married. Just relax.

You love your husband and I’m sure there are many good things about him - now, this is disconcerting. Failing to disclose something as serious as a homosexual orientation can be a cause for an annulment, but it doesn’t mean that you and your husband can’t have a fulfilling marriage - but it will have to be a cross he is willing to share with you.

I will pray for you.


#7

You might want to talk with a pastor or with someone from that support group for reforming/ recovering homosexuals. (Dignity, I think it is called.)

This sounds like a frightening thing, and I can understand how it would be. It is worse going through alone. But you should remember, the evil one likes to isolate us, and to make us imagine things are worse than they really are, so we will give up too soon, or think it is not worth trying.

Remember that Christ not only poured out his life and died for our sins (including your husband’s) but He rose in triumph over sin and death, trampling the power of the evil one. Sin can always be overcome by God’s mercy. If your husband needs help, the sacrament of reconciliation and good counselling can restore his life and give him the grace to overcome any temptations he may be enduring. There is healing and grace to all who come to the living water offered by Jesus. Have hope.


#8

[quote="pinetree, post:7, topic:290128"]
You might want to talk with a pastor or with someone from that support group for reforming/ recovering homosexuals. (Dignity, I think it is called.)

[/quote]

Never touch DignityUSA with a ten-foot pole! They openly dissent to Catholic teachings and promote the gay lifestyle and the gay agenda in defiance of the Church. Here is a review of the website by CatholicCulture.

You may have meant to recommend Courage, in which case I can forgive your error as innocent. Courage is a Catholic apostolate in good standing with the Church. It is a support group for homosexuals that advocates a chaste lifestyle. Their website has received the Triple Excellency Gold Award for Excellence in Fidelity, Resources, and Usability from CatholicCulture.org. Here is a link: couragerc.net/


#9

First, you should talk to your priest. Right now, you only have suspicions.

You may eventually need to discuss your find with him. Before doing so, review for yourself why you married him. Also, did you accept when you were single that your eventual husband would have imperfections?

Skip the other thread - it has run its course (I am the OP there - the remaining posters are mainly engaged in polemics). However, the opening post does link to the original article, which you may find helpful.

I will likewise pray for you.


#10

Well one thing is for sure you are going to have to bring up his homosexual tendencies up to him somehow. Preferably gently, you saw that he had literature on how to overcome homosexuality. So this means he is willing to turn away from his sin. So the sooner the subject is brought up the sooner you two can fix it. This can always be a way for you all to build up trust by having him confide in you about how he feels inside. I shall pray to the Blessed Mother that all things go well.


#11

You will be in my prayer.


#12

You and your family will be in my prayers.


#13

Thank you all for your kind words and prayers, I am starting to feel calm and hopefully thinking clearly and as objectively as I can. I am sure what I have in hand is more than suspicions, the fact is that remembering certain details from the past and present I can come to conclude that my husband does indeed have homosexual tendencies, but this doesn’t mean he has been living a gay lifestyle, or been unfaithful to me with someone else. I did realize before marrying that this man was not perfect, I thought I knew most of his flaws as he knows mine, but I never would have imagined this to pop up in our lives in a million years. We were in a relationship for two years before we got married, and we were not so young then as to think this is all part of his development into an adult (we are both in our thirties).

Someone recommended an article on a homosexual man living married and with children to a woman in sacred matrimony and I found it very enlighting; it opens the possibility to accept my husband’s burden as something to be shared and carried with love. If this were his case and if he is trully willing to live according to God’s will, then I would even admire him for it. The big difference relies on the fact that the man in this article was completely honest before he got married. This lie truly hurts me because I never got that choice when I should have; we have to discuss if he married to use me as a cover up or if he truly loves me as his wife.

I will have to wait for a while to talk to my husband about the subject because I am still a bit enraged inside, and anger has never been my friend in serious discussions. I guess that talking to the priest and praying will help me vent these nasty feelings from my heart and probably guide me to approach the best manner to address this situation. Meanwhile, life goes on and my husband is stressed and tired from tense situations at work, it would be disconsideate from me to throw another boulder to the mix at this moment…

Please keep praying for us, I trully feel God is guiding me through your kindness


#14

You need to talk to a professional in these matters!
Do not go to any one that is not well versed in these matters.
I doubt that a priest , unless trained for this, can be much help.


#15

I did mean to suggest the organization COURAGE, not DIGNITY. Sorry. :blush:

This lie truly hurts me because I never got that choice when I should have.

You have to remember that for most this is a dark secret, very difficult to admit even to oneself, let alone to someone you love and respect. He very possibly hoped it would never surface, that it would go away. Or maybe he hoped that one day he’d be able to tell you, at the right time, or when he had the courage. There are some who have homo attraction but despise themselves. Just because he has it doesn’t mean he’s hiding it because he thinks its justified. It could be because he’d feel utterly humiliated if you knew.

With help from a counsellor, you and he may eventually be able to share the truth of the matter. Meanwhile, you just don’t know.

You are right to wait until you are calmer. Get help, but also don’t wait forever. That’s what he probably has done.

Just my opinions. No one knows until the truth can come out in the fresh air and sunshine of God’s grace, love, and forgiveness.


#16

The problem with him bringing up such things is that he may believe that discussion of his struggles belongs in the Confessional, to which you are not privileged.

I likewise suspect an unpleasant factoid in my wife’s past. But she has never discussed the matter with me and due to the seal of the Confessional, I have no right to ask.

I will have to wait for a while to talk to my husband about the subject because I am still a bit enraged inside, and anger has never been my friend in serious discussions. I guess that talking to the priest and praying will help me vent these nasty feelings from my heart and probably guide me to approach the best manner to address this situation. Meanwhile, life goes on and my husband is stressed and tired from tense situations at work, it would be disconsideate from me to throw another boulder to the mix at this moment…

There is never a convenient time, I’m afraid. Now that you have discovered what you have, you are empowered to pray for his chastity in a unique manner, however.

I strenuously repeat my advice that you talk to the priest before even approaching the subject with your husband. He may be willing to mediate the discussion or may know a marriage counselor who can.

Please keep praying for us, I trully feel God is guiding me through your kindness

will do


#17

A tough situation indeed -

If you do go the route of counseling, make CERTAIN to have a Catholic counselor. Been there, done that. My husband and I were on the verge of divorce last year. I had even left him and gone to see a divorce attorney - and we were in counseling for almost a year prior to that.

Our initial counselor was of the Christian faith, but was not Catholic. She prayed with us at the end of almost every counseling session, but then she also told me behind my husband’s back that I should leave him ASAP. She even gave me the name of the attorney I met with.

I ended up leaving my husband, and he went to our priest. The priest recommended a good Catholic marriage counselor from our parish. When my husband told me he wanted to see her, I agreed to come back home with the baby (who was 14 months at the time). Long story short - after a few weeks of meeting with this new counselor, our marriage was healed. At our first session, the counselor recommended we pray the rosary together. I believe this helped immensely.

We are going to celebrate our 4 year anniversary this month. My husband had some outstanding psychological deficiencies he did not fully disclose to me before our marriage. He is unable to fall asleep next to me and cannot bear for me to spontaneously go up to him and touch or hug him. Some days I cannot even start a conversation with him. It is truly a stuggle, but I came to realize that this is the result of a serious accident he had when he was a little boy - was hit by a car and had a terrible brain injury. He required follow up neuro studies for several years. The counselor asked me if I would have ended our marriage if he were in an accident the night we were married and I said no. And so there we are. He tells me all the time that I am his person and he is grateful that the good Lord had brought us together and that we have the perfect little girl. Ever since we started dating, he has gone to church with me every single week, and that’s got to count for something GOOD.

Whatever you do, please make sure that you see a Catholic counselor. Your marriage is sacred, not secular.

You might also want to check out the “Pregnant Mammas” (maybe the name is a bit different, now) board on here. It’s in the family living section under parenting. There are a wonderful bunch of ladies there who will be great support to you through your pregnancy.


#18

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