AM I RIGHT!? some insight?


#1

Well I went out on a date with this guy I meet at my church and it was so nice. He was a gentlemen and I had a good time. I'm 19 he's 25. Then I found out he was married and has 2 kids!! I haven't been married let alone have kids!!! But I do want to continue dating him and get to know him. I find him very interesting. My intentions are friendship and maybe grow together or just to get to know him. Even though it bothers me that he has been married and has had kids!!! He's nice n sweet and RESPECTFULL. Will I be sinning? (Cause he's been married) (and like I'm not gunna have sex) I mean no I'm not going to be having 'relations' I'm getting to know him. I follow the catholic teachings on premaritial sex and have been living a life of abstinence/chastity for going on two years. So will I be sinning if I'm dating aka getting to know this guy. Or any advice? Will I be sinning!!??! Are any of you married or dating one who has been married or has had kids from a previous marriage!? Ugh I don't know. Thank you again for your time. Your in my prayers.


#2

Annnnd he didn’t marry through the church. But he’s divorced. Does he need an annulment in order for him to be “single”. I really don’t want to sin


#3

what does “was married” mean? If it means divorced and he has not gotten an annulment, he is a married man, and off limits to any good Catholic girl.


#4

Was married. Yes divorced. Wasn't married through the catholic church.
So he needs an annulment. And it will be adultery if we did date even though its not and will not be nething sexual. And I will be sinning?


#5

It’s not adultery, but you might want to consider the difficulties such a relationship could entail. It also depends on what his intentions are, and whether he wants to get an annulment. Also, do you want to raise someone else’s kids, are you mature enough to get in half-way at such a stage, would potentially marrying him conflict with your career goals if he is working and the kids would have to be looked after?

Good luck mate, reflect well!


#6

To be perfectly honest, I would not date a divorced man. First of all, there is a reason they are divorced: either he had issues which caused the divorce or he will have issues because of the divorce.

Additionally, there are the legal aspects. He will be financially responsible for his children for many years. This will impinge on any future marriage he might get into. The problems *might *be minor, but quite possibly will be major.

And then there are all sorts of other aspects which come into play which one cannot imagine beforehand. If one of his children becomes very ill, if their mother becomes very ill, etc.

And if you are thinking, well, we’re just hanging out together, we’re not planning the wedding, let me ask you this: why do men and women hang out together one-on-one? What does that lead to?

(And in addition, what’s a 25-year-old man doing hanging out with a 19-year-old? That maybe could be ok, but I would be concerned, esp if the 19-year-old were my daughter. He should hang out with people more his own age.)


#7

(And in addition, what’s a 25-year-old man doing hanging out with a 19-year-old?

may i ammend this just a little bit? What’s a 25-year-old divorced father of two doing hanging out with a 19-year-old?


#8

He has not been married, HE IS MARRIED. You are dating a married man lets get that clear from the offset.

A married man who is been unfaithful to his wife and the mother of his children by pursuing a relationship with you.

Who has custody of the kids?

How much contact does he have with his wife?

What makes you think he will even be granted an annulment?

Why would that matter if you are only thinking about friendship anyway?

How much can you really trust this man given his past history?

Best to tell him to get his situation with his wife and children in order than come back to you IF he manages to actually get an annulment, if he actually is granted the freedom to marry, because at the moment he isn't free to be married and therefore shouldn't be having potentially adulterous relationships.

His first marriage is probably valid and annulment will not be granted, he certainly thought it was valid when he was fathering two children with his wife.

Otherwise there are two ways this is likely to play out.

  1. You get to know him a bit more and decide your not really interested in him after all.

  2. You get to know him, get emotionally attached to him, fall in love and want to marry him, but the Church says no he is already married meanwhile his wife is demanding all the time that he takes responsibility for the children he has fathered with her hampering the life you want to have with him. Result been terrible emotional pain for you and a strong temptation to ignore the Church and marry outside of the Church just like this man did the first time thus separating yourself from God and the Church.

Do not be in rush, save yourself future problems and tell him he needs to get his life in order concerning his marriage and family, because whether he is granted an annulment or not he will still always be the father of those two children and they will always be his family. If he is able to get an annulment and he is still interested then he can get in touch BUT NOT BEFORE, you must be strong and not let him convince you of anything else for the sake of your emotional health and spiritual well being.


#9

:bigyikes: Not sure where the future of this relationship would be goin in you continue. he is still married if the marriage is not annulled by the church… you really are opening a big can of worms here. and maybe asking for a whole lot of hurt. i will be praying for your situation.:blessyou:


#10

I agree.

Althought he seemed nice after this one date, you are so young. There just seems to be too many problems

You could meet another guy who is better suited to you than this one.

If you were my friend in RL I would advise against it.


#11

[quote="angelinefromtx, post:2, topic:199019"]
Annnnd he didn't marry through the church. But he's divorced. Does he need an annulment in order for him to be "single". I really don't want to sin

[/quote]

All marriages are presumed valid to the Church, until proven otherwise. So in the eyes of the church, he is still married. (This is kinda like "innocent until proven guilty"). This reason alone would hold me back from dating someone like this. But there are other issues at play.

Secondly, you do not need to have "intimate" physical contact for it to be considered adultery - there is a such a thing as an "emotional affair." People tend to ignore this and play it down, which is very dangerous. And still a sin.

These 2 above issues could probably constitute a "near occasion of sin" if not an outright sin. Especially if you like him in "that" way.

There are also several practical issues at play here that have to be addressed sooner rather than later. Even if he had an annulment.

Why did they get divorced? Remember there are three sides to every story - his story, her story and what actually happend.

Also, who has custody of the children? What are his obligations to the children? How old are the children? Do they have any special needs?

What is his relationship with his ex wife?

Why is a 19 year old with a 25 year old? Even when I was 25 year old male, I would not pursue a woman that young.

There may be answers to the above questions that you may not like or be comfortable with. And many times, situations like these don't turn out well.

I know it feels good. But you need to look at things objectively.


#12

:thumbsup:

Begs the question - why can’t OP find someone closer to her own age, without all the strings attached?

I have always found the age/maturity agument a farse.


#13

If he was married outside of the church he still needs to get the marriage annulled or receive a special dispensation. It’s hard to say without knowing exactly how he was married. A priest could tell you for sure. I’ve dated guys in the annulment phase and wouldn’t do it again no matter how nice they were. It’s better to wait till they’ve gone through the process then sit around wondering about your status. It’s a long process too and could take 2 years or more. I’m counting the automatic appeal that’s required and can take six months as well. :shrug:


#14

Maybe I’m weird, but I don’t think 6 years is a big age gap:shrug:

But I think that you being 19, you probably shouldn’t get involved with a man that has so much responsibility and a connection that will last FOREVER to his wife becasue they have children. This might be something someone older could take on in the right circumstances, but you’re too young IMHO.

That being said, he is not free to date without an annulment. He may not know this, (is he even Catholic?) but OP if YOU do and you keep dating him, you’re getting into a sticky situation.


#15

[quote="Sierrah, post:13, topic:199019"]
If he was married outside of the church he still needs to get the marriage annulled or receive a special dispensation. It's hard to say without knowing exactly how he was married. A priest could tell you for sure. I've dated guys in the annulment phase and wouldn't do it again no matter how nice they were. It's better to wait till they've gone through the process then sit around wondering about your status. It's a long process too and could take 2 years or more. I'm counting the automatic appeal that's required and can take six months as well. :shrug:

[/quote]

:thumbsup:

Best to only date with an annulment in hand/only date those with an annulment in hand.

Saves on the heartache in the long run. Also, it's your immortal soul we're talking about.

(I know this is probably an unpopular view)


#16

[quote="Suspicious_Mind, post:5, topic:199019"]
It's not adultery,...

[/quote]

In what way is it NOT adultery if she is dating a married man??!!! :eek:

He is not free to marry OR date unless/until he has a Declaration of Nullity in his hands. PERIOD.

~Liza


#17

[quote="ComputerGeek25, post:11, topic:199019"]
All marriages are presumed valid to the Church, until proven otherwise. So in the eyes of the church, he is still married. (This is kinda like "innocent until proven guilty"). This reason alone would hold me back from dating someone like this. But there are other issues at play.

[/quote]

Actually, if he is Catholic and was married outside the Church without a dispensation, then his marriage is NOT presumed valid.

OP, is he Catholic? I don't recommend dating him right now, but I think friendship is OK. I don't think that the age difference is that big of a deal, (my husband is 9 years older than me) but I do think the having 2 kids is an issue to think of. He needs to look into lack of form declaration of nullity and should be speaking with the priest to get this taken care of.


#18

[quote="Jea9, post:17, topic:199019"]
Actually, if he is Catholic and was married outside the Church without a dispensation, then his marriage is NOT presumed valid.

[/quote]

Correct. However, point still stands, he should have this issue looked into and rectified before he starts dating. Even if it's just a simple ruber stamp procedure as you state.


#19

[quote="ComputerGeek25, post:18, topic:199019"]
Correct. However, point still stands, he should have this issue looked into and rectified before he starts dating. Even if it's just a simple ruber stamp procedure as you state.

[/quote]

Agreed. :thumbsup:


#20

Oh, I agree with that for sure. I just don’t think that people should be saying it’s adultery. Technically, if he is Catholic, and was when he married outside of the Church and did not receive a dispensation, then he is not married. If he were on here posting about his marriage situation, he would be advised to not have marital relations with his civil wife because that would put him in a state of mortal sin. So, if this gentleman is Catholic, he is NOT married (due to lack of form) and would not be committing adultery. That said, while he’s taking care of his situation he could be getting to know the OP as a friend, but not dating. I also think she needs to take into consideration that he has 2 children and will always have a connection to the mother, and if this is something she wants to be involved with right now.


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